Hey Girls.. and guys peeping in to the forum.
I have spoken in the past about changes..
We all have physical changes to some degree on HRT.. more for some less for others.
What I want to discuss are the mental changes that happen.. and they do happen.

I will start out by saying.. "I am not the man I used to be".
My behavior is different, I am a new person..or what I like to say.. a freed person that is finally alive.

So being a newly born human.. in every sense of the word...I am excited about life.. so much that it affects my daily behaviors.  I am excited, happy and holding on to every moment of life I have now..

The only thing that is the same is my past.. and my work life..

My son and Grandson went on a trip together last weekend.. It was so fun..

My son and I had a long talk and one of the topics was that I do not realize how different I am.  He said and I quote " If you look on a clear night at all the stars..and they represent my Dad before the change..then picture only one star left, thats all that is left of my Dad". But he is glad I am here.. everyone is learning to love Keri.. but some do not exactly like her.. they blame Keri for taking their husband and father.. or even friend..
Its like I swallowed him.. and he is gone... completely.\

When I had started transition I said I will always be me.. and well that is true.. but the me I am is Keri.. not Doug..  sure Doug and his experiences influences and makes Keri who she is.. but I am not Doug.. Not at all.

So what to do.. I realize how much I have changed.  Well, what I have been trying to do is be proud of who I was.. embrace what I once was, be proud of that person that got me here.. but I can't behave like someone I am not.. that ship sailed, I am me.. I am free.. I am alive and I will live as an authentic person with no excuses for who I am.

I wanted to write this so that anyone getting ready to transition can see that.. depending on the person you can change more than you expect..
One change I can say I love is that I do not let life revolve around wants any more.. its about people for me.. my friends who love me and my family..

So I am done with this little ramble..
Love
Keri

Gosh, absolutely.

Night and day
Chalk and cheese
Black and white

I like your son's comment. It's very accurate for me too I feel.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the hormones or the social transition that does this... Hard to know for sure. Probably both. Either way, I feel alive and unbridled. I have the fortitude and heart to shape my life just as needed. It's an amazing feeling compared to the suffocation before. Even years later, this thought lights my most gloomy of days. 

Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on October 26, 2015, 04:16:13 PM
Stuff

Such a fan of your posts... you're awesome and have had a miraculous transition.

Keep on keeping on

Hi there

I could not agree more . To Me I have not changed at all except for feeling like a whole person for once in my life .But My Wife said that I am now nothing like the Man she Married it is as if I have killed her Husband and replaced him with a completely different Person .How can We both be right .how can I see Myself as others see Me . I think more People like the new Me better as I am calmer ,Happier, more approachable and friendlier .So am I really wrong for thinking that this absolutely is the best thing I have ever done in my life?

I can absolutely understand how one's repressed self could appear as an entirely different person to the outside. But just to offer a complementary perspective, I, for one, am perceived as ever so slightly different. My friends and family say they see the same passionate and caring individual, just spicier, less anxious, more lively, or to summarize it all, more authentic.

If what's been repressed is mostly related to gender identity and, to a milder degree, gender expression, I have a feeling that the changes might be more perceived like an evolution. But if much of one's personality was buried for years, we're talking revolution!


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I'm becoming more vocal (I talk all the time now, lol), opinionated, outgoing, and more of a planner than I used to be.  I'm becoming more like my wife! haha.

But generally, I'm not much different aside from the mood swings, the desire to shop for clothes, dressing better, and taking longer to get ready in the mornings.  And I have better hair. 

Hi Keri,

Love your posts.  My guess and I haven't transitioned so it's just a guess but maybe it's not as much about being more feminine and has more to do with the fact that you're no longer hiding a big secret from the world.   All that bottled up inside people surely changes how they deal with others.   It's not surprising once that's removed and you're more relaxed,  a different person emerges.

Take care,
Paige

Quote from: ToniB on October 27, 2015, 06:12:02 AM
Hi there

I could not agree more . To Me I have not changed at all except for feeling like a whole person for once in my life .But My Wife said that I am now nothing like the Man she Married it is as if I have killed her Husband and replaced him with a completely different Person .How can We both be right .how can I see Myself as others see Me . I think more People like the new Me better as I am calmer ,Happier, more approachable and friendlier .So am I really wrong for thinking that this absolutely is the best thing I have ever done in my life?

No Toni, your not wrong.. this is about who we are inside.. not what others want us to be.. all humans deserve to be free in so many ways including us..
Muah
Keri

Quote from: Paige on October 27, 2015, 09:21:39 AM
Hi Keri,

Love your posts.  My guess and I haven't transitioned so it's just a guess but maybe it's not as much about being more feminine and has more to do with the fact that you're no longer hiding a big secret from the world.   All that bottled up inside people surely changes how they deal with others.   It's not surprising once that's removed and you're more relaxed,  a different person emerges.

Take care,
Paige

Hi Page,
It is wonderful to have nothing at all to hide.. I would never go back to my old self.. although I miss him.. he was amazing.. I saw pics of myself in 1993 and I was such a good looking dude.. but I always felt I did not look good.. I see my old self from a female point of view now.. and I love that guy.
Thanks for the thoughtful response.
Keri

Quote from: KristinaM on October 27, 2015, 08:39:25 AM
I'm becoming more vocal (I talk all the time now, lol), opinionated, outgoing, and more of a planner than I used to be.  I'm becoming more like my wife! haha.

But generally, I'm not much different aside from the mood swings, the desire to shop for clothes, dressing better, and taking longer to get ready in the mornings.  And I have better hair. 

Kristina.. LOL.. you are changing more than you think..  But thats good right.  Clothes.. omg I have so many now.. and I too love shopping..  If you get me in a candle shop look out.. my nose is in 6th gear and I want every candle I smell.. My ex has to drag me out of Yankee Candle..
Muah.
Keri

Quote from: martine on October 27, 2015, 07:10:39 AM
I can absolutely understand how one's repressed self could appear as an entirely different person to the outside. But just to offer a complementary perspective, I, for one, am perceived as ever so slightly different. My friends and family say they see the same passionate and caring individual, just spicier, less anxious, more lively, or to summarize it all, more authentic.

If what's been repressed is mostly related to gender identity and, to a milder degree, gender expression, I have a feeling that the changes might be more perceived like an evolution. But if much of one's personality was buried for years, we're talking revolution!


Martine,
LOL yes the revolt happened and Keri won hands down.. so wonderful.. and I agree we become much more lovable because we now can love ....
Keri


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Ⓥ on October 27, 2015, 02:50:39 AM
Such a fan of your posts... you're awesome and have had a miraculous transition.

Keep on keeping on

Thank you V....so much.. I sometimes feel I post too much positive and not enough negative.. I have issues like anyone else.. however the blessings certainly outweigh the bad stuff...
Keri

Quote from: Sammym on October 27, 2015, 01:59:44 AM
Gosh, absolutely.

Night and day
Chalk and cheese
Black and white

I like your son's comment. It's very accurate for me too I feel.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the hormones or the social transition that does this... Hard to know for sure. Probably both. Either way, I feel alive and unbridled. I have the fortitude and heart to shape my life just as needed. It's an amazing feeling compared to the suffocation before. Even years later, this thought lights my most gloomy of days. 

Hi Sammy, I sure wish I could figure it out..I do know the brain loses volume... maybe that is why I am more submissive to dudes now..like I am totally chicked out... It is after all what we all want.. to change into who we are.. its so wonderful.  That is why you feel so alive.. and sounds like you transitioned years ago.. It is heartwarming to hear you say you have the fortitude to shape your life the way you want..  I feel that way but worry I will be held back somehow.. I am free from worrying about possessions and that does allow us to alter I lives easier..free from stuff and free from the trap of our bodies.. = so so wonderful
Keri

Hi Girls I thought I would respond to everyone.. I normally do not have time to do this but all the responses were so wonderful.
You all rock.. and wish you all a very good week.
Keri

Great post Keri, thank you for sharing as always.

Are we really the same person after years of social, medical and surgical changes and transition?  The same person but grown and matured beyond the capacity that once bounded us?

I feel and think differently in so many respects and consider Jim to be gone and a part of my past.

I feel like a very different person than he was and thank goodness, he was a real mess by the time he was retired.

Having a full and dazzling array of emotions, knowing new ways to love, even color and smell are different.  Yes, I am a fundamentally different person and, if fact, unrecognizable to those who knew me then....

Thank goodness for the ability to change and to shape what is a certainty.  We all change.  We can give it direction too.

Quote from: Tessa James on October 27, 2015, 01:12:34 PM
Great post Keri, thank you for sharing as always.

Are we really the same person after years of social, medical and surgical changes and transition?  The same person but grown and matured beyond the capacity that once bounded us?

I feel and think differently in so many respects and consider Jim to be gone and a part of my past.

I feel like a very different person than he was and thank goodness, he was a real mess by the time he was retired.

Having a full and dazzling array of emotions, knowing new ways to love, even color and smell are different.  Yes, I am a fundamentally different person and, if fact, unrecognizable to those who knew me then....

Thank goodness for the ability to change and to shape what is a certainty.  We all change.  We can give it direction too.

Well said Tessa... its really like climbing out of a dark tunnel into the light.. Life becomes so much more.

I don't presume to speak for you, but did Doug ever really exist? Or was it always just Keri pretending to be Doug?

Although I'm very early in my transition,  my family has said something similar - that to them it's like I'm dying.  I get it, but I don't really. But I guess...  The "Dave" they knew never really existed. He was just a facade Victoria (? Still trying out names) wore to fit in.  I'm just taking off the costume.

Quote from: victoriafrantic on October 27, 2015, 01:43:31 PM
I don't presume to speak for you, but did Doug ever really exist? Or was it always just Keri pretending to be Doug?

Although I'm very early in my transition,  my family has said something similar - that to them it's like I'm dying.  I get it, but I don't really. But I guess...  The "Dave" they knew never really existed. He was just a facade Victoria (? Still trying out names) wore to fit in.  I'm just taking off the costume.

Victoria,
Its so true.. you reminded me of what my therapist said over and over.. we spend a lot of energy being someone we are not.. its always with us.. once we don't have to expend that energy it is replaced with other more positive things like just being so thankful for life..
You are right.. Doug was an actor.. but we play the part well because we learn early how to do it. So in a sense I have not changed.. I have just become who I am on the inside and outside.. its wonderful
Keri

Hi Keri;
Great thread. I am really interested in your comments on Mental changes. Before HRT I was a typical go getting Male - well not Alpha but my peers or bosses always indicated thsat I was so full of drive and energy always trying to success and fill my life with stuff to do!. I know of course that this was a defence mechanism to push my dysphoria into my inner self!,

But now after 2.75 years back on HRT,I believe I have changed. I am now much calmer, I don't want to be seen as the aggressive one in conversation"- I always butted in to put over my point of view". That just seems very strange now. I feel that I want to be totally submissive in everything. I am interested in different things, feel much more empathetic especially with other women. Interestingly even when dressed as a male (not very often these days except for key customer meetings), men seem to treat me different - a very good friend - my best man from my marriage (who doesn't know) when I met him recently wanted to give me a big hug.. He never did that before!

So I a very interested in how you have also found mental changes. What are others for you.

One problem though for me is in my business world, because I believe the HRT, I have also lost  some of my competitive focus, almost my business edge, which is not to good when you are a Management Consultant, but I have gained customer empathy and better understanding especially with other women, although some more masculine women do treat me differently too!.

Judith

Quote from: judithlynn on October 27, 2015, 09:26:01 PM
Hi Keri;
Great thread. I am really interested in your comments on Mental changes. Before HRT I was a typical go getting Male - well not Alpha but my peers or bosses always indicated thsat I was so full of drive and energy always trying to success and fill my life with stuff to do!. I know of course that this was a defence mechanism to push my dysphoria into my inner self!,

But now after 2.75 years back on HRT,I believe I have changed. I am now much calmer, I don't want to be seen as the aggressive one in conversation"- I always butted in to put over my point of view". That just seems very strange now. I feel that I want to be totally submissive in everything. I am interested in different things, feel much more empathetic especially with other women. Interestingly even when dressed as a male (not very often these days except for key customer meetings), men seem to treat me different - a very good friend - my best man from my marriage (who doesn't know) when I met him recently wanted to give me a big hug.. He never did that before!

So I a very interested in how you have also found mental changes. What are others for you.

One problem though for me is in my business world, because I believe the HRT, I have also lost  some of my competitive focus, almost my business edge, which is not to good when you are a Management Consultant, but I have gained customer empathy and better understanding especially with other women, although some more masculine women do treat me differently too!.

Judith

Wow Judith,
I wish I could add something to what you said.. I think you said it all and described me to a T.. I feel exactly the same way..
I do think though its a good thing... as you know things do not make us happy, our friendships and family are what are truly important.. sure we want to eat.. and sure I want a yacht again.. really badly.. seriously..  but its the time with others that I cherish now.. you are happy with you.. so you don't need the other things as much.. you thrive on learning about others lives..  I find myself so happy just sitting there hearing about others lives and their stories.  Its a wonderful place to be.. congrats..
Keri