I will start with the fact that my daughter was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). These last few months it has not been good. She attempted suicide and cut many times. We just found her a dialectical behavioral therapist (DBT) and we're hoping that will help her BPD.

2 weeks ago she proclaimed that she was transgender. She created a FB profile with a male name, began wearing male clothes, and changed her Instagram name to her new male name.

I'm still in shock. I was on vacation last week with my husband do I didn't have to deal with the situation very much but it was still on my heart and mind. Today is my birthday. My daughter and I usually do special things together on this day and I had to practically beg to get her/him to go to Starbucks with me for an hour.

I'm frustrated and confused. The boy she has become is not like my daughter. The mannerisms and communication are different. It's a completely different personality. My daughter is vivacious and fun and this boy is quite chill. I seriously feel as if I'm talking to a complete stranger that physically resembles my daughter but is not her.

I don't know what to think and I just try to act normal but inside I'm screaming. I feel like I'm mourning a daughter who has disappeared or something and trying to act like everything is fine with a person I don't know but who gut-wrenchingly physically reminds me of her.
Obviously, I am going to have to go to a therapist. I'm also going to talk to her therapists. Will my daughter ever come back? Is this the BPD or is this new boy here to stay? I feel like it was so sudden. I thought we could at least discuss how to work through this but the boy doesn't want to talk. He just says " Whatever makes them comfortable. I don't want people to be uncomfortable."
She only ever showed possible signs of this in high school when her BPD was flying out of control, at least in my recollection. And she has always been a dress-up person. She adores putting on costumes and assuming roles. So when she went to her BFF's prom as her date and got a tux, we all just thought she was being sweet and funny because the boyfriend was too old to go to prom.
I'm so confused. What do I do? Mourn my daughter? Maintain hope that I'll have her back?

Hi Confusedmom,

I'm not sure what to say.  One thing I do know is if he's transgender, he's probably been thinking about this for a very long time, it may seem sudden to you but probably not at all to him.  With that being said, I think you're doing the right thing talking to a therapist and also talking to his therapist.  One thing you should remember, this will not happen overnight, it may seem like things are changing fast, but it's always a long process if he chooses to transition and that may not happen.

The best thing you can do is be supportive whenever possible.  It's not easy for him either.

Good luck,
Paige

Welcome to Susan's place. I am not a doctor but what you described is reason to be concerned. Normally people who are depressed and isolated before the transition become happy and friendly after the transition. Sometime in the transition the pressure of dealing with the transition can build to the point where we are worst for a while. It sounds like something isn't going right in his life and therapy is needed unless he is willing to open up to you. Sometimes the transition can cost friends, family or even jobs. Sometimes the pressure of not passing public can cause issues as well. If you are in contact with any of his friends, you might be able to learn what is going on from them but for the moment stay in contact because you might become the only one he can turn to.

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Concernedmom,

I am not qualified to advise on your child's recent manifestation of transgender.  However, I can tell you with some confidence that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is the most effective treatment for BPD.

Please encourage your child to continue with the DBT regardless of gender issues.

Wishing both of you the very best for the future,

Cathy

I would say the best thing you can do is support him, even if he is only experimenting, knowing that he has your support either way will make it an easier process.

Maybe his change in behavior is a defense mechanism - I know I've become a bit paranoid in interacting with my family since coming out to my mother in case my behavior is used against me (because she doesn't believe me). If i knew she'd believe me regardless of my opinion on wallpaper patterns I'd be a bit happier to join in, if you get me.

My boyfriend was raised female, and has been transitioning physically for almost 4 years and socially (living as a male, by male name, so on) for almost 6 or 7 now. However he also has BPD. He's had symptoms since he was a teenager but he only got diagnosed this year after some bad incidents took place. Since then we have done a lot of reading on BPD and unstable identity can definitely be a part of it. Sometimes people may "change" their sexual orientation or their gender identity when their identity is the most fragile. So it's very possible that your child is experiencing an identity crisis and that this is something that is not the right choice for them. My bf and I have discovered upon reading some blogs of people who regret transition that they do seem to meet the criteria for BPD, so we have wondered if many misdiagnosed cases of GID are actually BPD.

That being said, my boyfriend meets all the 9 criteria for BPD. He has had identity issues and sometimes doesn't know who he is. But he's never questioned his gender identity and he has never looked back, despite the many challenges he has faced for his transition. Most people with less steely resolve would have quit long ago. I have known him this entire time, and this is one thing that has just never been an issue for him. He still struggles with BPD but the difference in his moods are astounding.

I asked him to read the OP and he has said that one thing to think about with your child's change in disposition is the fact that people with BPD tend to "mirror" others. If your child believes that men are supposed to be more "chill" or act a certain way they may be mirroring men in their lives.

At the end of the day it could go either way. It is very possible that this is a manifestation of the borderline personality, but it's also very possible that someone could have BPD and be transgender too.