I've only just started transitioning and i already feel like I'm starting to loose people

i thought i could trust my parents to be supportive but I'm not sure anymore, i think my mother doesn't believe me, and she gave me this long lecture about how she's scared that in 10 years time i'll be completely isolated (implying that she doesn't believe anyone in my family including her will keep in touch with me) so i lost my confidence in the idea of telling my dad or my brothers. i feel like I'm going to get ganged up on under the guise of my personal safety.

the only other support i have is my boyfriend, and i recently talked to him about some issues that were worrying me, and overall he's supportive but he's just not very talkative. i don't know if its because he has no worries or because he doesn't want to talk to me about them. he tends to shut down when i talk about testosterone etc. he has started correcting himself when he refers to me as a girl - switching to gender neutral 'person' without me asking him to ... am i selfish for wishing he'd say guy instead?

i know that he'll accept me not being a woman i just don't know if he or anyone else will ever be willing to see me as a man. i could probably live with that post-top surgery and T but at the moment i'm pre everything and that makes it harder.

I spent the last four or five years at uni trying to blend in with the other girls in an attempt to make friends and i feel like this was a really bad idea because now no one believes me when i say i identify as male. but i feel like if i have female mannerisms (she questioned me for the way i ate a piece of toast in a feminine way) it's because i was raised as a girl

i also feel like because i have a boyfriend i'm always going to be ID'd as female when I'm with him because of cultural heteronormativity, because i'm so much shorter and slighter than he is. I don't really care as long as i get to stay with him, but i'm scared of being outed in public and it causing trouble for us both. 

how do i tell my parents that i don't need any negativity from them without disregarding their feelings? it's like they'd rather i didn't do anything just so that they don't have to worry, when if i actually had their support i'd be less likely to get into trouble or become isolated.

she also said that i only feel this way because my life is unstable (being self-employed and not yet earning, not being mobile, and being in a long distance relationship) and if it settled down i would forget about feeling this way. this doesn't seem fair because it could take years for my life to become stable. my parents have only just started being financially stable and this is after over 20 years of marriage and 5 kids. i don't think my life will ever 'settle down' and if it does, and i have even less to think about, why would my GI not resurface with no distraction? besides, i have been feeling this way since puberty and i had a reasonably stable youth. i explain all this and no one trusts me.

i just think that if i was doing something more 'normal' like purposely having a baby (i'm 24 and my mother had her first kid at 23 and my dad was 22) or getting married, everyone would be happy for me. I feel like i get treated differently because I'm the only girl, and so i'm like some precious dolly with all their hopes pinned to me.

I didn't think this post would be so long but i guess these things have been bugging me...

Its good to write long posts.
it can help getting things out, and having a bettter look at them.

Well often people overdo gender roles until they find out its not them. Its like an attempt to try.


Concerning coming out you could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

and concerning transition you could look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194986.msg1737439.html#msg1737439

The usual route is to go for a good gender therapist...
someone to support and help along the way...

well you could tell your mom that you will be like your male twin... with still the same sense of humour... and that a lot of people are more happy that way, because a feeling of being in a body you'd like more could bring you more happiness... and less depression...

well concerning your boyfriend... boys tend to be less talkative and talk less about emotions.
It might be possible to really talk to him, in a way he feels understood and not interrogated, but saying its important to talk... to exchange viewpoints, and help understand each other...

Quotei just think that if i was doing something more 'normal' like purposely having a baby (i'm 24 and my mother had her first kid at 23 and my dad was 22) or getting married, everyone would be happy for me.

Don't do that. Some people did and regretted it later.
Do what you feel makes you happy.


*hugs*

Don't worry I'm not planning on getting knocked up... i just mean that they'd trust me with other adult decisions and not this, just because they understand the more traditional things more.

Thanks for the support and info C:

I've got my GP appointment on Friday and it turns out my bf won't be able to come with me, which i understand - he's got stuff going on + it was even my suggestion that he stays at home a bit longer - but everyone seems to have forgotten I'm even doing this? I know I'm only asking for a referral but I've never come out to a stranger before and it feels like a big step.

I'm realising more and more that I'm going to have to do everything by myself. I know this happens to a lot of people, it's just the main reason i came out to the few people i have was that i trusted them completely to help me and I think instead they're going to ignore me until the 'problem' goes away. it's kind of hurtful that people think I'm not rational enough to have considered the reality of surgery and HRT already, and that once i speak to the doctor and clinic i'll change my mind.

I'm not doing this for attention but at the same time i feel really ignored. It would be different if anyone had given me any positive thought when i came out, but i only got negativity. It's really hard to know I'll be the only one going into this with hope.

It's not uncommon for transgender people to "overdo" trying to fit in with their assigned-at-birth gender, and it doesn't make them any less trans. And keep in mind that "normal" is only what everyone says is "right" and as history has shown they're often wrong anyway.

Sadly we can't always expect people to come on board with our transition straight away, if ever. I hope your mom comes around.

it's hard for others to understand and equally hard to explain.

It's just so wearing, my older brother's getting married soon, and instead of thinking in 2 years time i could be getting married i just keep thinking in 2 years time my boyfriend might have dumped me because i grew a beard... and i know that i can't tell that for sure but it's hard to stay positive when no one around me is

I'm sure we all go through some paranoia at times. It's normal. That's one of the things a therapist is good for... determining what is real and what is not. It's okay to worry. It's okay to fret. But don't let those things beat you up. We all face these things from time to time. And that is everybody, not just "us."

Cindi

I can't afford a therapist lol

I'm hoping to get a referral to a GIC through the NHS soon though.

I'll probably feel better if i came out to the rest of my family, but I don't know how to go about it. I also feel like outing myself outs my boyfriend (as something he doesn't even identify as) and that holds me back a bit.

I spoke to my GP today and she's referring my to a psychologist (sigh) and then to GIC.

I spoke to my mum as well and said that I'm going to use the year or so it'll take to get the GIC appointment to start living 'in role', if i can figure out what that even means, so that she can prepare for that happening soon.

It turned out she'd already told my dad which I'm relieved about though i still have to tell my brothers. The youngest two are an issue because i feel if i just tell them my parents might be annoyed, but i think it'll take a while for them to get access to a child therapist for advice first (which seems pretty overkill to me anyway). Which means no pronouns at home and a delay to using a new name...

i am definitely going to look at getting my name changed on documents asap though. It seems to be a fairly easy process in Scotland which is fortunate. Professionally I'm already using initials instead of my female name (at least within the last 6 months), but i have one last article with my female name on it coming out in the next few months, and one show finishing, and after that i'll start asking for the new one to be used. it should be ok because i'm moving to a different area of the arts anyway so it's like a fresh start.

Well, it is good you were born in the UK! There it is a medical condition. Here in the US it is a "lifestyle choice." And you are fortunate to work in the arts. Artistic people are much more open to change. It's a tough time for you now to be sure. But remember, we are on your side. Stick with it and don't be afraid to open up with your medical professionals.

Cindi

Just wanted to say that you do not need to see a psychologist before going to a GIC. Your GP seems out of touch with the current policy of referring you straight away. Also to change your name all you need to do in print of a deed poll template onto certificate paper with two signatures from people who know you but aren't related. Sorry if I'm telling you stuff you may already know; just don't want you to waste unnecessary time/scammed from 'legitimate' deed poll websites. I'm  from the UK also. Good luck with everything

Yeah I read the guidelines for GPs and I seem to remember that referral to psych was optional but I didn't feel like arguing would be productive. Maybe I should be more assertive next time. :/

My GP actually hadn't read the guidelines (I brought a copy with me tho) so maybe they'll change their mind and just refer me straight to the GIC.

I know of a clinic that's further away from me that I can self refer to if my GP is slow but i'd rather go to a closer one.

Starting to worry that not sticking up for myself about the psychologist was a bad move, also afraid that when i do speak to one they'll decide I'm not trans... i'm starting to struggle to work because i'm thinking about it all the time, i just feel like i failed at being a girl and i'll fail at being a boy too, like i'm already doing it wrong