Hi,

Well, here is my story; I'm just gonna core dump here and get it all out at once

I am mtf transgender, identifying as transfeminine, started HRT two years ago at age 37.  I also have a range of issues around sensory input/output, and social communications and understanding, which has been finally diagnosed as high functioning autism.  So I kind of don't fit in anywhere, as the trans people I know are all very socially capable, and the ASD people I know don't really get the transgender concept.

I interact very easily with computers, and work as a software developer, but outside of work, I'm simply lost.  I have never been able to talk socially, it just... doesn't work.  I try, but people avoid me afterwards.  Though I can talk fairly well about anything purely technical.

I can't handle interacting with more than one person at a time; I get overloaded.  I can look at someone, talk to them, listen to them, and think, but can only do one of those things at a time.

I can't block out auditory sensory input(other than things like jet noise, or white noise), so I have to listen to every conversation in the office I work at.  And since becoming transgender, I can now follow like 3-4 conversations that I'm not interested in, and I'm stressed out by noon because I want to be programming, not listening to inane conversations.

I used to like programming for its own sake; now I mostly like it because I try desperately to impress people with my range of computer capabilities, so that they will hopefully like me, and it appears to not work that way.  I do enjoy programming, if it's for someone I think cares about me.  Otherwise, I get very depressed about it.

I am a bit of a mess from being ignored/disliked/misunderstood by everyone(both parents and siblings included), from as early as I can remember.  But I keep on going, and once I understood what was different about me, I don't hate normal people as much.

My favorite thing in the world is cuddling.  It is pure euphoria to me, and I hadn't experienced it at all until last year.  It was like the IV morphine they gave me in the hospital once, but 100x better.  But cuddles are an extremely rare event for me.

I love what HRT does for me, but I don't really try to pass, as I can't really act like anything in particular.  I'm just me, whatever that is.

My biggest hope in life is to find someone I can relate to, which has proven quite difficult.

so... that's me   thx for reading!

Welcome to Susan's Place. There are several people on the site who have varying degrees of autism so you won't be alone here. As for programming, I wrote my first program in 1970 and have been doing it for many years. I understand how hard it is to block nose and at first I used shooting earmuff to cut it down some. If I had noise problems today, there are some expensive, high quality headphones that will cancel outside noise greatly reducing what you hear. You don't need to have music playing through them, just use the noise canceling feature. Post where and when you feel comfortable and feel free to ask any questions you might have.

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Thanks

I do use the best earmuffs I can find, but they hurt my head after awhile.  Can't wear earplugs because that gets uncomfortable after awhile as well.  And my mind just turns up the gain.

Noise cancelling can only cancel out low-frequencies somewhat effectively, not voice frequencies.  But the ones I tried were first-generation, so maybe they've gotten better?

As for programming/computers, my love is being in a UNIX environment, so 1970 is the beginning of the creation-story(more or less) of my universe

I still like C best, but I've come to appreciate C++ for application development; GUIs in particular.  Though I prefer the libraries I use, whether from somewhere else or something I write, to be in C, when feasible.

I've realized C++'s ugliness is there because it has to be, and nobody really celebrates it, but it's better than  being separated from the machine any further than we already are.

I also think programming has gotten too easy, and it has paved the way for a lot of brokenness and unreliability, in the years since 2000.  Not that it's inherently wrong that a language be easy to use, but that it enables people to program, that shouldn't be programming, and get away with it long enough for it to become someone else's problem.

Whereas, before, someone clueless could achieve absolutely nothing with a C or FORTRAN compiler from a command line, and it would persuade them to go do something else. 

hello from a fellow autistic (an aspie in my case), however a non-tg one. the noise-cancelling can be a huge problem for me. it sent me running, screaming too many times. noise-cancelling equipment can often be just as distressing, simply because of that unnatural dullness. i was diagnosed very early, so i managed to cope better than i otherwise would've. cuddling...used to like it. but now i don't. although i let people i know do it if they really feel like it, because sometimes people need it and it's not THAT uncomfortable.

I have heard there are high quality headsets designed for music and aircraft pilots have some very good ones designed to cancel aircraft noise. I haven't had my hands on a good set yet but a audio shop might let you try out some before you buy them. Yes they are a bit uncomfortable at times. I just started using Skype to talk with other moderators and sometimes wear them for hours. It's nice to get the things off after a while.

I am a stone age programmer. I spend about 7 years total with Fortran and the rest was assembler. Even today the software I am maintaining contains over 100,000 lines of assembler. I have used a bunch of operating systems but my first hands on with Unix was when Apple introduced OS X. I have played around with C on it but I really haven't worked with C all that much. As far as libraries, what's that.  When you have one big massive blob of assembler code the subroutines are a part of the whole package. One little mistake can make some really interesting failures and my special ability is to find those little nasties and exterminate them.

Quote from: Dena on October 31, 2015, 05:22:21 PM
I have heard there are high quality headsets designed for music and aircraft pilots have some very good ones designed to cancel aircraft noise. I haven't had my hands on a good set yet but a audio shop might let you try out some before you buy them. Yes they are a bit uncomfortable at times. I just started using Skype to talk with other moderators and sometimes wear them for hours. It's nice to get the things off after a while.

I am a stone age programmer. I spend about 7 years total with Fortran and the rest was assembler. Even today the software I am maintaining contains over 100,000 lines of assembler. I have used a bunch of operating systems but my first hands on with Unix was when Apple introduced OS X. I have played around with C on it but I really haven't worked with C all that much. As far as libraries, what's that.  When you have one big massive blob of assembler code the subroutines are a part of the whole package. One little mistake can make some really interesting failures and my special ability is to find those little nasties and exterminate them.

that's what helped me. but mine broke down.

Hi Cinnumute 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

I'm a UNIX weenie too! I started out on a DEC 20, moved on to UNIVAC mainframes, then Prime and some others I don't remember. I remember soldering together my own Z80 boards to design and build robots for a company I worked for to handle disks in a clean room. I've written code in assembler, Fortran, Pascal, Eifle, Prologue, C, C++, Java, and a whole bunch of others I don't remember. Just throw me a manual and I'd get the job done. I've done a bunch of stuff in database programming with Oracle and SQL plus some others that no longer exist.

I'd get bored with a project when it was finished, tidy up the documentation, and go find another job. I liked new and challenging stuff. It was fun. I also lost my life to it. Too many hours, too much junk food, and not much socialization. I never really had true friends until I quit working.

Noise cancellation headphones work really well when the processor can predict the frequencies, modulations, and volume of sounds. Aircraft noise is easy to predict. Human voices, not so much. Big Bose is pretty much the standard for good noise cancellation. I've never purchased them but I have used them. Bose makes lousy speaker systems but they have been a very innovative company in the past. Their noise cancellation is quite good, even on human voices.

So, I drone on.

Please feel welcome here. For you are indeed special.

Cindi

Cinnamute. It's wonderful that your enjoying HRT and congrats on being on HRT 2 years. Something you mentioned really resonates with me. My brother feels the same way that he misunderstood, not liked, or you can fill in the blank and also is on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. I can imagine it can be difficult to find people you can relate to, but as you go through your transition and life be true to yourself. You find people you can relate to in time. Autism is actually rather common among people are transgendered so it might be easier than you think. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Dena on October 31, 2015, 05:22:21 PM
I have heard there are high quality headsets designed for music and aircraft pilots have some very good ones designed to cancel aircraft noise. I haven't had my hands on a good set yet but a audio shop might let you try out some before you buy them. Yes they are a bit uncomfortable at times. I just started using Skype to talk with other moderators and sometimes wear them for hours. It's nice to get the things off after a while.

I am a stone age programmer. I spend about 7 years total with Fortran and the rest was assembler. Even today the software I am maintaining contains over 100,000 lines of assembler. I have used a bunch of operating systems but my first hands on with Unix was when Apple introduced OS X. I have played around with C on it but I really haven't worked with C all that much. As far as libraries, what's that.  When you have one big massive blob of assembler code the subroutines are a part of the whole package. One little mistake can make some really interesting failures and my special ability is to find those little nasties and exterminate them.

Okay, I'm intrigued by the whole 100k lines of assembler thing.  You must work on a huge OS or something?  And you must be a Jedi Knight with a debugger, and dream in opcodes

I'd be really interested in your thoughts on architecture.  Personally, I miss the days when there was at least a little processor architecture biodiversity in the mainstream market, though I never logged much assembler time.  It was nice to know that, in other computer worlds, there were rotating register windows, or other exotic oddments to play with.

I missed out on the mainframe thing entirely.  Have recently done some projects with AWS, and it's actually kind of depressing, knowing that you're running on a herd of (nearly) nameless servers that you'll never get to know, and I feel bad for the servers themselves.

I've always kinda wished I had a reason to play with FORTRAN, but it hasn't yet presented itself.  I work on atmospheric data simulation and visualization lately, which is pretty fun, but no one wants to talk to me at work, so that kinda sucks.

Quote from: Zóôt Threepwood on October 31, 2015, 05:17:56 PM
hello from a fellow autistic (an aspie in my case), however a non-tg one. the noise-cancelling can be a huge problem for me. it sent me running, screaming too many times. noise-cancelling equipment can often be just as distressing, simply because of that unnatural dullness. i was diagnosed very early, so i managed to cope better than i otherwise would've. cuddling...used to like it. but now i don't. although i let people i know do it if they really feel like it, because sometimes people need it and it's not THAT uncomfortable.

It also feels like there's a pressure, maybe?  Like the noise cancellation is increasing the pressure against your eardrum?  I dunno 

I yelp if there's a sudden loud noise, and get really bad fight-or-flight, and a few people found that really amusing at work to pop those sealed air balloons that things come shipped in nowadays, until I snapped and started yelling at one of them( I normally make no noise whatsoever and talk barely audibly, as I'm terrified of making noise).  Between that, and I think management involvement, the explosions have at least stopped.

Quote from: Cindi Jones on October 31, 2015, 05:51:02 PM
I'm a UNIX weenie too! I started out on a DEC 20, moved on to UNIVAC mainframes, then Prime and some others I don't remember. I remember soldering together my own Z80 boards to design and build robots for a company I worked for to handle disks in a clean room. I've written code in assembler, Fortran, Pascal, Eifle, Prologue, C, C++, Java, and a whole bunch of others I don't remember. Just throw me a manual and I'd get the job done. I've done a bunch of stuff in database programming with Oracle and SQL plus some others that no longer exist.

I'd get bored with a project when it was finished, tidy up the documentation, and go find another job. I liked new and challenging stuff. It was fun. I also lost my life to it. Too many hours, too much junk food, and not much socialization. I never really had true friends until I quit working.

Noise cancellation headphones work really well when the processor can predict the frequencies, modulations, and volume of sounds. Aircraft noise is easy to predict. Human voices, not so much. Big Bose is pretty much the standard for good noise cancellation. I've never purchased them but I have used them. Bose makes lousy speaker systems but they have been a very innovative company in the past. Their noise cancellation is quite good, even on human voices.

So, I drone on.

Please feel welcome here. For you are indeed special.

Cindi

Thanks!  I think it's an easy way to avoid thinking about life, when you can be immersed in learning something new and fun all the time.  I got derailed from that process a few years ago, when a job went really bad socially, so perhaps it forced me to deal with myself earlier than I would have.

When you're thinking, you're not feeling.  But it catches up with you, especially at night.

Thanks everyone who's replied so far, this is the best forum intro ever for me

(aand... it's time to hide from trick-or-treaters :/ )

Quote from: cinnamute on October 31, 2015, 07:31:21 PM
Okay, I'm intrigued by the whole 100k lines of assembler thing.  You must work on a huge OS or something?  And you must be a Jedi Knight with a debugger, and dream in opcodes

I'd be really interested in your thoughts on architecture.  Personally, I miss the days when there was at least a little processor architecture biodiversity in the mainstream market, though I never logged much assembler time.  It was nice to know that, in other computer worlds, there were rotating register windows, or other exotic oddments to play with.

I missed out on the mainframe thing entirely.  Have recently done some projects with AWS, and it's actually kind of depressing, knowing that you're running on a herd of (nearly) nameless servers that you'll never get to know, and I feel bad for the servers themselves.

I've always kinda wished I had a reason to play with FORTRAN, but it hasn't yet presented itself.  I work on atmospheric data simulation and visualization lately, which is pretty fun, but no one wants to talk to me at work, so that kinda sucks.

We have a protocol converter that converts IBM mainframe channel to RS323 devices, BISYNC and SDLC. There is even a network interface allowing connection to the internet. The hardware uses the Motorola 68000 family of processors and we designed the board and chassis. Because we were pushing the limits of the processor, all of the code that drives the unit is written in assembler. The drivers are not considered part of the operating system and are directly called by the application. All of the software runs for a short period of time so the OS uses the idea of if there is work, the work needs to be run to completion. This allow the operating system to fit in a couple of pages of code. The OS looks for events that were queued by an interrupt and then passes control to the task. When the task completes, it returns control to the OS to look for more work. Very simple but it gets the job done.

The unit can have up to 4 processor per board and the largest unit we built had about 70 processors in it What makes the code so big is the number of emulation supported and the emulation can be connected to each other in different ways so the unit fills many different function depending on the customers needs.

Hi cinnamute,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

I think you fit I here just as well as the other 10,000 odd members here. I'll bet, the moment you start asking questions and joining in the conversations, you'll find plenty of peeps who'll understand what you're on about. That my prediction, at least

As for programming, I'm good at that too. I can plug the thingy into the whatsee, flick the doverlackie, stand back and see what's left after the smoke clears. Do I get the job .. Eh??

Actually I'm an old DOS freak. But then the Ark set sail.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Speak to you as soon as I finish flossing my teeth

Lotsa huggs
Catherine