Hi Jayne,
Sorry that I am a bit late into the conversation. I could never transition, there was no way, even though I knew I was female from an early age.

In the end I did (thank the goddess!) and my life changed to one of happiness. But I went through similar emotions to what you and the other women have reported, doubt, fear, restless nights and doom filled days. The fight. The terrible fight.

I recall my first therapy session so long ago now. I asked the psychiatrist if he could make me stop feeling this way - could he make me be a man. (Ha! in retrospect!).

He just looked at me quite sorrowfully, and said I can change your body to match your brain, but I cannot change your brain to match your body. I can give you T shots, but they will plunge you into despair. I can give you E shots and I think that will resolve your issues.

I transitioned.

After a few months as my body changed and my dysphoria went away and I could finally take off the towels that covered the mirrors, I realised I had this unnatural feeling; I was happy. I didn't recognise the feeling; I realised I had never been happy.

My wife responded in an odd way, she said one day. 'You've changed, yes you have boobs, yes you dress as a woman, but I see something in your eyes that I have never seen before: happiness.'
'I now realise you are a woman and have always been one; I'm so sorry I ever doubted that.'

We celebrated our 34 year of marriage this year. We are finally a couple.

Was it easy? No. Was there self doubt? Yes. Am I happy? Oh goddess yes.

Well here I am again on this nauseating roller coaster. Before I go on to my rant, I really appreciate all the support and help you are all offering. It is truly welcome and needed. Thank you.

So here is my rant. I am once again doubting my feelings and wondering what all the fuss was about. It is like when a child plays with a light switch ON-OFF-ON-OFF etc.... I feel ok one minute. Actually better than ok. I feel great just the way I am, then the switch flips and I want nothing else other than to be a 100% woman without delay, right now! Then some time later, minutes, hours or even days, the switch flips again and I just want to be the way I am.

If I was always either one way or the other, I'm sure I could find a way to accept it. But this back and forth business is making me crazy. How could I possibly make any decision on which path I should take when I switch back and forth?

What am I? How can I live like this??

J

PS: I know my posts may seem a bit inconsistent in the way I come across as far as how I see myself. That is because the way I see myself seems to change so often and the way I feel what my gender is swings all over the place. It is a major source of confusion, frustration and anger at myself.

You have two options. The first is it's normal for the trans feeling to vary. When you are distracted as in work or problem solving, the feel can pretty well fade out. When you have nothing to keep you busy such as at night waiting for sleep it can become pretty strong.

The other option is you are gender fluid if you find yourself comfortable in both rolls. Only you can decide which you feel and where you want to be.

Hi Dena, I don't really understand gender fluid and how to live a life as gender fluid. Maybe worth exploring with my therapist. But the way you describe it, option 1 seems to fit me....mostly.

Thank you

Jayne

Gender fluid is a really hard concept for me to grasp and confusing for somebody who is. Think of it as waking up one morning and feeling male and the next feeling female. If you are thinking about surgery, you have to decide which you feel more. I saw a post from a person who was gender fluid and they had two names and two different looks they would switch between them depending on how they felt. It doesn't really solve the problem but it helps them cope. I think it's about as hard for me to grasp how a gender fluid person feels and it would be for a CIS to grasp transsexualism.

I do often feel either male or female. It causes me endless confusion. I do need to discuss it with my therapist to first understand what it is I am actually feeling and then how to deal with it. Gender fluid seems like a very difficult thing to cope with.

Jayne

I've had similar extremely intense Male-Female-Male-Female...... feelings early on. Looking back now it is safe to say:
A) I had No Clue at all what actually living breathing female for me would be or is like. All I had was a pathetic image in a mirror that poorly aligned with my internal image. Forget about being out in the real world. The wounds from my previous 'experiments' 30 years earlier took a very long time to sort of heal
B) Being male was really all I knew and TBH mostly had to feel, out of survival. It was mostly an automatic, trained reflex. Pretty simple when you think about it. A few grunts, angry explosion. Down a six-pack or two   
C) Staying male was the simple, safe, comfortable route. As I like to say, No sane person Wants to be TG!

Any wonder there are EXTREME "WTF Am I Doing " swings? Couple that with the Shame & Guilt twins sitting on your shoulder shouting into one ear, while this quiet, serene sounding voice whispers what scares you more then anything else, even death?

No matter how hard I try to wish otherwise, I am not "male", I am a female in my heart and soul. However, that is not stopping me from going out and changing the alternator in my car that died last night. It's part of who I am as much as being girlie-girl. Whenever a serious thought passes through me about stopping this craziness as I stand on the corner of Hopelessness and Futility, the pain of never seeing or being Joanne is too painful.

I had a really low personal point a few months back on the heels of a series of disasters that in a dark mood I easily went to "Even fate is against me". After a few days it suddenly hit me "I do want to NOT Be Able to transition". I absolutely cannot allow that option to be taken off the table, any more then I cannot allow myself to devolve back into that lifeless, soulless thing I was.

Hi again everyone,

I have been away for a couple of weeks. My wife and I had to rush away overseas due to a death in the family. During the first week, visiting hospital and later funeral, the gender dysphoria took a distant back seat. So much so that I found that I was angry with myself for ever thinking I was trans. As things started to settle, the dysphoria came back and I would wake up every morning thinking to myself "I want to be a woman and I want it NOW!"

I see my therapist again on Tuesday. I have so many things I need to talk about I will need a much more than the 1 hour session. This whole thing is such an emotional roller coaster.

Jayne