Hello,

First I would like to thank everyone on here, reading the posts and experiences from so many people has been helpful.
I won't go into detail with my whole story as I'm not sure it is so different from what I've seen here and not sure it has much bearing on my question.
I am awaiting my appointment with the Endo and am finding myself depressed and at the verge of crying for what seems no reason. I know I am headed in the right direction and am looking forward to what is coming, but I am in a position where for work reasons I can't fully express myself, be who I am openly. I have no outlet. I am assuming I am not alone in this, how do you get through this? I have been down a lengthy road of self discovery and admission, now that I accept myself, I still feel trapped by the life I have previously built.
Anyways, thanks for reading this and I look forward to any advice you have.

Quote from: Hope1972 on November 03, 2015, 07:24:45 AM
Hello,

First I would like to thank everyone on here, reading the posts and experiences from so many people has been helpful.
I won't go into detail with my whole story as I'm not sure it is so different from what I've seen here and not sure it has much bearing on my question.
I am awaiting my appointment with the Endo and am finding myself depressed and at the verge of crying for what seems no reason. I know I am headed in the right direction and am looking forward to what is coming, but I am in a position where for work reasons I can't fully express myself, be who I am openly. I have no outlet. I am assuming I am not alone in this, how do you get through this? I have been down a lengthy road of self discovery and admission, now that I accept myself, I still feel trapped by the life I have previously built.
Anyways, thanks for reading this and I look forward to any advice you have.

Hope- I hear what you are saying. I have been there, and AM there. I came to all of this later in life. I just did not put it all together until late. There were traces of being a transgender woman all through my own life. For years, I assumed it was a combination of fetish and being gay. Which I sought to repress. It finally became clear 2 years ago. I did a horrible job presenting what I had discovered to my wife of many years and children. For some crazy reason, I thought they would be happy that I had come to this remarkable place of self discovery. Wrong, they all threatened to leave. I sought therapy and then HRT. The HRT has been amazing and certainly quieted a good deal of my dysphoria. The dysphoria was bad enough to actively vision suicide. I have the benefit of being retired and am able to spend time in a vacation spot away from family. I put on make up every night and wear my heels most of the day. I love the feeling of being me. But, time is coming that I am going to have to make a choice. Like you, it has been a long journey of self discovery. But, I am still, after all that and after considering suicide, strongly considering ditching it all and trying to be what I am not. Just typing that makes me cringe. The other part for me is what to do alone? I keep thinking, if I was courageous enough of moving to a large city where there is support and less stigma attached to being who I am. I would continue to do all the things that we all think of in relation to transitioning fully: continue HRT, electrolysis, find a support group, and live full time. I just don't know if I have the courage to give up my family do so. It is a bad feeling being where I am, BUT, I can say that the HRT was a wonderful thing for me. Sorry to ramble on, but I am lost in my own way, and appreciate your willingness to discuss and be open. Blessings, Sheila

Thank you Sheila, although it is hard for you, at least we aren't alone, feels better to know that.

If you have anything you want to talk about, message me, I would love to know more about your experiences.

I am (more or less) in a similar situation, though maybe not even as far along as you. Anyways, gender dysphoria for me causes a lot of moodiness (grumpy), anxiety, and a nagging depression. Now that I know what the trigger is, I find comfort knowing that I am doing something about it - that this is a process and if I continue to push forward no matter how hard it gets, I will be the woman I have always dreamed of being. Usually this snaps me out of it or at least makes me tolerable to be around.

Some other things that help.. I practice walking, speaking, sitting as much as possible. I sit down on the toilet (mostly did this before anyways). Trying to think of more, but I think you get the gist. Oh, I also started excersising which is a good thing to do while you can lose the weight more easily, plus it is a good stress reliever. I've lost 15+ pounds in a month if that gives you an idea of my stress level

Best of luck with your appt, Hang in there!!!

K

I remember when I was at that point and at one point it was possible that my waiting to see the Endo could be half a year or more off just because of how booked up 1 endo was and where he was located. One thing I did was focus on hair removal and the other thing I did was dive into talking to other people be it here on Susan's or those who are around me. My waiting in the end did shrink because we switched to the first endo they offered and I was seen in less than 2 months after having the letter in hand. In other words i focused on what I could do in the meant time like build up my wardrobe and not what I couldn't. Just because your in a waiting cycle doesn't mean there are not things you can do. Hugs
Mariah

Again, thank you for the replies, it is nice to know there are others out there who have been through or are going through similar issues and are handling it with a smile.
I am so ready for my appointment, I am hoping that I can get started on HRT very soon.
I have been with out any hormones in my system for over 8 weeks now, I am hoping it helps with the moods and energy levels.

Hi Hope,

I can really relate to how you are feeling, when i finally decided begin the path to become who i really am it seemed like a massive mile stone and things moved quickly. now all of a sudden things have ground to a halt waiting. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. i know there is a long road ahead but when i look at the others on this site and what they've achieved i know its all going to be so worth it.

Bernadette   (((^_)) 

In the same boat here. Waiting is hard. Just trying to keep my anxiety to manageable levels and counting down the days. I have to say, this place has really helped. When I feel like things are piling on top of me lately, I come over and read about other people's experiences, and think about how much I have to look forward to.

Hi Hope,

One method of coping is to make a time line of changes that are important to your development and journey. It doesn't have to be accurate, it just needs to provide you with attainable goals, irrespective of when they actually happen.

Doing this will create a positive attitude and approach to achieving those mile stones, irrespective of how small the step you took to achieve it. Filling your mind with positive attitudes, leaves very little space for negative emotions or incidents from outside your field of influence to affect you.

Hope this helps. Speak to you as soon as I peel the potatoes.

Hugs
Catherine

I am really new to this, to me, and I can't express enough how much it means to know there are others out there who understand and are will to help. Thank you all, truly.

Hi Hope,

You are ahead of me.

I am in the middle of the anxiety and depression stage.

I feel like I am presently stuck. Half my mind has conceded I need to try to transition to relieve the GD,  the half half thinks I am crazy for considering it (with feelings of guilt and shame).

My therapist has been very upfront that if I try and bury the feelings of being trans and ignore then they will not go away and I put myself in the trans category which has a huge suicide rate (~40%) - which is frighteningly high.

I hope you draw strength from the comments here and that there appears to be a lot of people here who are happy to share and help.

Take care

Hi CassieH,

Your therapist is right, the feelings won't go away, i tried to suppress them for many years, and i even thought id succeeded in getting rid of them at one point, but they came back, in some ways stronger than ever.

I can relate to how you feel, in some ways i am in the same place as you. Please don't feel bad about the feelings you have, i too have had the guilt and shame, but somehow I've managed to move through them and i feel stronger for doing so. I know its difficult, and amazing and scary and sometimes theres horrible feelings, but you will get past them. Im still at the beginning too, but do this for you, you deserve to be happy and complete and who you really are. we've all struggled with this for a long while, and now its our time !

Hugs

Bernadette   (((^_))

Dear Grace and Others:

There is no easy path later in life when the family is having significant difficulty with a loved one transitioning.  Whether the path of denial of who you are is worth the discomfort and significant risk of suicide is a question only each person can answer for themselves - just be honest about asking the question and formulating your answer.

If it's later in life, you know you've live a significant portion of your life.  Deferring the life you are intended to live runs the real possibility of never being true to yourself.  At that last moment, assuming you are capable, how will you answer the question of whether is was worth it to deny yourself knowing you didn't try it on?

Strategies and skills to cope in the short-term make a lot of sense as they help avoid needless upset and pain.  Consciously deciding to deny who you are potentially forever is a whole different matter.

I don't know what is best, sometimes even for me; just be sure you are willing to close the last sentence of the last chapter of your life with the choice.  For if not, then what purpose does your life have even allowing there are no guarantees of anything during our fleeting moment in the cosmos?

Much love to us all for we need it to embrace this strange and mysterious gift,

Rachel

This is a challenge for me too. I'm at a really awkward point where I'm struggling with even accepting myself, and I keep going back and forth on my identity. And even getting therapy of any kind is not an option yet due to having to sort out insurance issues.

I don't know anyone where I am very well, and the few friends I've made here only barely know me as a guy. I can't come out to any of them since they don't know me well enough to care. I struggle with accepting myself because every time I do come around to the idea of being trans I tend to back away from any social interaction because I can't feel like I can let them keep seeing me as a guy, that I'm not being authentic with them. So then I revert to being a guy and put it out of my mind for a while, until it inevitably surfaces again.

So yeah, waiting on everything here and I'm still not sure what to do with myself in that time either.

I denied/ignored the feelings of being in the wrong body,of many years, i thought i was going mad. Ever since i can remember I've had these feelings, since a little kid. i tried everything, marriage, having a family etc all to no avail.
Sometimes i actually thought id succeeded in getting rid of the feelings, only to have them reappear when i wasn't looking, stronger than ever. I'm thinking now that i have to do this, I'm just hoping and praying its not too late in life for me. i have so many fears, telling my loved ones, my job is such that I'm sure i won't be allowed to continue with it. but on the other hand, when i do even the slightest thing towards my transition it feels sooooo good and i have thoughts of relief and peace. i don't want to get to the end of my life and have those terrible "should have" thoughts and the realisation that i haven't been true to myself. Its been a constant battle with myself, but I'm pleased to say that I'm finally loosing the battle and beginning to accept the fact that i am a woman inside and she's going to have a chance at life and a chance at being happy.

I know it is tough..and none seems to know what you're going through but you. I am kinda in the same situation. I am a senior in highschool, being told by my dad that "I have to tuck it down deep for a little longer." They don't understand how much pain we have every day when we wake up and realize nothing has changed. What helps me is to just think about the future and remember that IT IS COMING and IT WILL HAPPEN. It will definitely be worth the wait. Another thing that helps me is that I am on Zoloft, it has made my overall mood so much better

Hi Hope,

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was in your spot not to long ago. The good thing is, the first time you get your hormones you almost forget about how long you waited because you feel so relieved. I was so depressed before I got hormones but when I did, it felt like I never even waited. It goes by quick than you think we have all been there. The main thing to get through this time of waiting is to focus on something else. The good part in transitioning is if you are waiting on something, there's always something else you can do to move forward with your transition like laser, researching for future things transition related, or even things like find a new wardrobe for your new self. I had to wait four months for hormones and now I'm almost 6 months. At the time I thought I was never going to get them but looking back you realize it's so worth waiting for. Stay strong and you will get through this!

Thank you Nattie.
I have been trying to focus on other things. I have been dieting in hopes I will lose some mass and not look masculine, I had my first laser treatment today, and went shopping. And tonight I am going out, as me, Hope!!!

It sounds like you have a great plan and know what you are doing Hope. I learned the hard way that you will always be waiting for something during your transition. Whether it's hormones surgery etc but everyone has there own techniques to make it work for the meantime.