One of my colleagues came in to work today. She'd missed the general "X is now Thomas" announcement and someone else filled her in this morning. i know she's a very committed Christian and rather conservative in some ways, but very well intentioned. And, in all honesty, a better person than I am in some ways. She expressed her worries to me that I might not be doing the right thing, and that god wants us to live in the bodies that we're given (my argument that I'm possibly correcting a god given birth defect - allowed by most Christians including my very Christian grandparents was dismissed), and that while she'll call me Thomas she'd feel dishonest referring to me as 'he' or 'him' since she doesn't believe that people can/should change their gender.

I told her that while I respect her opinion, I'd really rather that she not intentionally misgender me because it was hurtful. Then she started to cry.

Now I feel like an absolute ->-bleeped-<-.

And yet I'd really rather that she not intentionally misgender me. We've known each other since we were both bachelor students (ages ago now) and we've always gotten on well with one another. And i know it is very hard for her to be a believer in what is an overwhelmingly secular institution. I want to respect her beliefs and her right to believe what she wants. Yet I just don't want anyone, no matter how good a friend they are, to undermine my identity like that.

Has anyone else here been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I don't want to alienate this person, or make her feel like I don't value her friendship, because I do. But I want to stand up for myself too.

Sounds to me like you were respectful to her, but were just asking not to be hurt. Maybe she cried because she felt she would never intentionally hurt you? Maybe in her mind, she just doesn´t get that something like that could hurt anybody.

But still, you asked politely for something you needed, and respect for your decision (even if she doesn´t agree with the decision). Maybe you can ask her to have a drink togheter and then talk about it? Tell her that you did not mean to hurt her in any way, but that this is important to you.

She´ll see that you care and that you take some time to talk to her. I can´t imagine anybody not appreciating that.

I've never been in a situation like this but I want to let you know I think you did the right thing. I don't think that was an ->-bleeped-<- thing to do either. This is your identity. I mean man, we're here on Earth to teach people what it means to be something other than the "normal" identities and that we can't just let them walk over us. Value friendship, and value yourself. you can only hope that she'll learn in time how much it means to you, in order to keep the friendship.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have never been in a situation like that but I read her argument from Christians all the time.

It really doesn't make any sense from a true Christian perspective.  You are not asking her to believe anything one way or the other.  You are simply asking her to act with charity towards you.

Maybe this will help.  The word charity below is the Greek word agape which means love.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal. (1 COR 13-1)

This is what the word means: From the Greek English Lexicon of  the New Testament (BDAG)

The quality of warm regard for and interest in another, esteem, affection, regard, love (without limitation to very intimate relationships, and very seldom in general Greek of sexual attraction).

You might tell her to open her Bible and look at the Chapter I cited above. 

Does she value your friendship at all?  If so then she shouldn't have any problem showing you charity since it's a tenet of her faith.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

From your description, I honestly can't see how you've been a jerk in this situation. On the contrary: what she said to you was highly inappropriate. I'd imagine she started to cry because she didn't want to feel like she'd upset you. If you reassure her that you greatly value your friendship but it's important that she understand & respect your trans status, you might be able to move forward together. Perhaps you could help her by giving her some good sources of information? She'd clearly benefit from some decent 'Trans 101' education.

As you say, it's hard for her to be deeply religious in a secular institution. But if I'm right about where this happened (I take it this happened in Belgium?), she needs to be very careful. There are strong anti-discrimination protections in place, and she is not permitted to bring her religion into the workplace. Your trans status is protected, and she must treat you with dignity and respect even if she happens to have a personal problem with it.

She is right about one thing though: it isn't possible for us to change our gender. What she fails to appreciate, though, is that your gender has always been male and that the only thing you might be changing is the packaging it comes in.

Agreed with everyone. I'm prone to that feeling of "GDI, I should never have opened my fat mouth" whenever I stand up for myself re: trans issues too, but you clearly weren't necessarily cruel or too aggressive in making your point. On the contrary, it sounds like you really respect this person, and I suspect your conversation with her was equally respectful. Like the others, I think she probably began crying because she felt bad/upset at the prospect of hurting you or because she was self-conscious.

Firmly but politely stating that you aren't comfortable with being deliberately misgendered is neither mean nor persecutory. It's totally appropriate. Frankly, I'm proud of you for doing it.

Some religions are there to control people through fear.
The conflict between her love and respect for you and her fear put into her by her religion made her cry.
None of this is your fault.
Think, stupid.
Think.

I had a similar situation with a family member who would use excessive pronouns and my birth name when I was around. While we haven't reached an understanding yet, she doesn't go out of her way to misgender me anymore. I made my point by being something of a jerk and only referring to her with male pronouns and the male version of her name. It made her cry, but I think she finally understood where I was coming from. Of course, that was in-family and she and I have never quite gotten along as she is hyper religious and I am not religious at all.

The way you handled it was firm but polite and respectful. I wouldn't feel bad at all.

You could say that her misgendering you is like you going about whispering that God isn't real: unnecessary and rude... Some people find it hard to see where the line is between expressing their personal beliefs and treading on someone else. It sounds like she might be sensitive enough to see where she's wrong and move on?

Thanks everyone. I'm going to let things settle and then ask her to go get a drink and a chat. I don't have high hopes that she'll change her mind about trans people, but I hope that she'll see that this is hurtful and adjust her behavior accordingly. I think that she is indeed sensitive enough to see this. I have to stand firm on this. I'm hoping that in a couple of years I'll be passing full time, and I want to be in control of who knows about my past. Not anyone else. Especially at work.

In my experience when someone, specifically the second party who is denying respect to the first party, cries in this type of situation it's a guilt tactic.  Had she not cried you wouldn't be feeling like ->-bleeped-<- for talking to her about this.  You were reasonable and polite in your talk to her.  Whether or not she feels comfortable calling you he/him is irrelevant in the work place.  For her to not do that is inappropriate conduct as your coworker.