So... I'm very excited today!! I got a phone call from the gender clinic in Amsterdam, and I made my first appointment there! I actually have two appointments there on the same day: one is at the endocrinologist, and one is at the psychiatrist two hours later.

Even though the appointment is still far away (22nd of January), I'm still excited because it gives me something to look forward to! I hope everything goes well, though I can't help but feel a bit nervous still...

On a related note: I have spend the better half of last month writing a draft coming out letter that I plan to send to my mother and family. I decided to do this by letter (e-mail) because my family (especially my mother) comes from a very 'traditional' background, and confronting them about my ->-bleeped-<- face to face would most likely only result in a lot of unnecessary swearing / hostility and drama. The intend behind this letter is to tell them very clearly that my gender dysphoria is not something that I wish to ignore any longer, and that this isn't something I can resolve in any other way.

My plan was to send this letter after I had my first appointment, but right now I'm not sure if I should wait longer or not. I would hate to send this letter too early when everything is still so vague. What do you girls think I should do? Or, what would you do in my situation?

Dear Galyo;

Congratulations on your appointments and hope all goes well.

As to announcing your coming out, why not wait a little while if you can before you do it? I do understand the feelings of urgency you have but why not wait until after your psychiatric visit? This way you may have an opinion from someone else and have time to better prepare yourself.

I came out to my family in person. I just felt that was a more personal way but then again everyone has their own way. If you decide to send an email, it can appear to be cold and uncaring because they are just words on a screen with no voice inflection or tone unlike the spoken word. Should you decide to do it in person, raising your voice won't help neither will swearing. Take into consideration that this will be a major shock and have great impact on the recipients. It can be harder depending on the mindset of the recipients toward anyone from the LGBT community.

I began by telling my family that I had a personal situation that was serious and was causing me great stress and mental anguish. I let them know that if I could resolve it any other way I would have but cannot delay any longer. I also asked them to refrain from interrupting me as what I was going to say was extremely difficult and to bear with me. If they had any questions, I'd answer them as best I could after. It was then I dropped the bomb shell.

I had brought with me an information packet for each of them that explained what being transgender meant, why I was the way I was, various options for me, how to be a supporting ally and hoped they would read it over at their leisure. I was surprised at the reaction I received with the family saying they were supportive and the like which was the complete opposite of what I had expected. I only found out much later through a third party I had been right in my initial assessment. The great thing is I know their true feelings but they don't know that I know so I can push things a little.

In the end though, it ultimately will be your decision how and when to come out and there is no right or wrong way to make the announcement. You know your family much better than I ever will and armed with that, you'll make the choice that is right for you.

I wish you much luck and happiness.

Love,
Clare

Coming out, in my opinion, is probably the hardest and most stressful thing you'll do on your journey.

I agree that coming out in person would be a lot more personal, but my family is just not that positive minded about me so I want to avoid it as much as I can. Like I said, if I come out to them in person, I'm 99.9% sure it would end in a lot heated arguments, and in my mother calling me all sorts of negative things that I generally don't have any need for. I feel like if I come out using a letter, it would give them all the personal time they need to accept it and internalize it. I hope that makes sense... o_O It's mostly my mom who is very quick to judge. My other family members I couldn't really care for what they think of me, to be honest.

And yes, I do want to wait with sending the letter after I visited the psychiatrist. But should I wait until after the my first appointments, or during the diagnosis? o_O

Thanks for the advice! I really appreciate it. I have a long road ahead for me and I hope everything goes well.

You want advice?

Listen to your heart.
Grow some balls.
Don't eat yellow snow.

"Grow some balls". Does that imply that you think I should confront them face to face? It's not that I don't have the 'balls' to come out to them. I already came out to them about having a boyfriend, which was also a big struggle for them to accept (and probably still is). I'm just not sure if I want to be confronted with even more emotional baggage, if you get what I mean...

I love being enigmatic. But without that, I might have said - :

Find out what is right for YOU [Listen to your heart]

Defend it against family, society and outside pressure. Stand your ground. Don't give in. [Grow some balls]

Do not accept situations where those with narrow minds make the rules. [Don't eat yellow snow]

Clear enough?
Challenge me.

I see! Yes, now it is more clear. XD I always had some trouble reading between the lines...

Thanks a lot for that. It helps me build confidence where I previously had none.

QuoteIt helps me build confidence where I previously had none.

Wrong, stupid.
You have always had this confidence because this is who you are.

Choose the right point of view, the right perspective.
There is no need to change your character.
Just get your priorities right, that is the really hard part.

Okay, geez... >_< I'm not 'changing' my character at all. I just feel like I finally have at least sóme nerve to stand up for myself in order to do this.

What kind of priorities do you mean?

So many members on Susan's struggle with the balance between their own needs, the wishes of their families and spouses and the pressures of society.
Choosing who decides about their future is impossibly difficult for them, they are fighting for a solution to their conflict of priorities.
Those who arrive at a **** *** stance are ready to move on, the others bow to the fears and limitations of others and remain stuck and miserable.
What is so hard to understand about getting your priorities right?

Im still waiting for the clinic in amsterdam to phone me for the screening ^^.

But on the comming out part i first only told my mother face to face and a few friends i trusted enought.
But after a little while i couldnt hold it any longer some co workers started to notice my changes mentaly.
After about 2 weeks of hearing co workers talk about me i finaly had enough and just told everybody i was pretty fearfull about the outcome but they had to know  and i wanted them to hear it from me, that way they could ask me if they had any questions.

so far everybody accepted it and i feel great.

thats my comming out experience so far i hope it helps a little

good luck and hugs ^^

congrats. I don't know do you have a specific reason for telling you family sooner. I think having a support person such as a therapist to bounce things off of if your family gets hostile would help . Also you would be more inclined to charge forward after getting the first appointments out of the way and seeing the path better. Just my 3 cents. Unless there is some sort of reason like wanting to go full time as far as dressing and you just want them to know what's going on.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 07, 2015, 02:34:55 PM
Also you would be more inclined to charge forward after getting the first appointments out of the way and seeing the path better.

Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking myself... I suppose never is really a 'good' time to come out, but it seems more logical to wait until after my first appointment.

And thanks. ^_^

Quote from: FromAtoZ on November 07, 2015, 12:10:23 PM
Im still waiting for the clinic in amsterdam to phone me for the screening ^^.

But on the comming out part i first only told my mother face to face and a few friends i trusted enought.
But after a little while i couldnt hold it any longer some co workers started to notice my changes mentaly.
After about 2 weeks of hearing co workers talk about me i finaly had enough and just told everybody i was pretty fearfull about the outcome but they had to know  and i wanted them to hear it from me, that way they could ask me if they had any questions.

so far everybody accepted it and i feel great.

thats my comming out experience so far i hope it helps a little

good luck and hugs ^^

It seems like the VUmc is always busy. >_< I would expect your appointment to be take place sometime early next year, just like mine.

You came out this early already? God... I did tell my chef about my situation, and she has a lot of respect and asked me to keep in touch about it. My family is next on my 'coming out' list, and after that I would consider informing my co-workers (though I hope to be on hormones by the time that happens).

Thanks and good luck to you as well! ^_^

Quote from: Girl Beyond Doubt on November 05, 2015, 04:34:20 PM
So many members on Susan's struggle with the balance between their own needs, the wishes of their families and spouses and the pressures of society.
Choosing who decides about their future is impossibly difficult for them, they are fighting for a solution to their conflict of priorities.
Those who arrive at a **** *** stance are ready to move on, the others bow to the fears and limitations of others and remain stuck and miserable.
What is so hard to understand about getting your priorities right?

My priority is to focus on my personal needs and well-being, which is something I have done too little in my life so far IMO. At the same time I acknowledge that my family (my mother I should say) did a lot of good things for me, which I am thankful of. This is the reason why I want to be upfront about it and be open about this personal issue that means a lot to me.

Quote from: Galyo on November 07, 2015, 04:00:15 PM

It seems like the VUmc is always busy. >_< I would expect your appointment to be take place sometime early next year, just like mine.

You came out this early already? God... I did tell my chef about my situation, and she has a lot of respect and asked me to keep in touch about it. My family is next on my 'coming out' list, and after that I would consider informing my co-workers (though I hope to be on hormones by the time that happens).

Thanks and good luck to you as well! ^_^

I had to in male mode i was miserable couldnt focus at al at work every personal work evaluation was bad.
I was also heavy 130 kg.
This was about a year ago, and now i weight 96,i got over nail biting over night, started to grow my hair,and then i suddenly got a good work evalution it raised to many red flags in some people there eyes( not bad tho ^^ ).

At that point in time i just couldnt hold it any longer the real me wanted to burst out.

so i kinda was forced cause where people work they talk ^^, and in the end al my co workers accepted me and are supportive.

only advise i know helped me is to personaly tell them, so you can awnsers there doubts and questions.

Good luck ^^

I think that currently a lot of my co-workers just view me as some andogynous looking gay dude. XD

I've already worn a dress to work before. It's very alternative / gothic looking so I could kind of pass it off as some sort of alternative looking vest or something. So in that sense they already know I'm a bit different. I think the moment I can be on hormones, I will inform my co-workers about my transition, since that is the point where they can begin to see my appearance changing the most.

So... I have to bump this topic for the following news.

I've been preparing to move to a new house for a while, and yesterday my mom helped with packing my stuff around the house. Of course, after a while she did find some of my dresses and other related stuff. She didn't make a big fuzz about it back then (though she was visibly confused). I suppose I could have hidden the dresses before she arrived, but I'm not really one to hide stuff. >_<

So today, she drives me home, and during the car drive there she tells me that she wants to have a serious conversation about why I wear those things. In other words, I can basically throw my letter-idea out of the window... I don't think I have any other choice but to come out in person to her now.

I'm kind of scared, but on the other hand I'm kind of glad that she made the offer to have this conversation. I will probably have that conversation after I'm done moving out (I hope to have everything moved to my new place by saturday) and then I'll have to keep my fingers crossed to see how well she will take it...

My decision to transition is very strong, since this is what I wanted to do ever since I was a teenager and learned about the term 'transgender'. I know that transitioning will break my life-long cycle of having a negative self-image and a lack of self esteem. However, I love my mom and I hope she takes it well. I would be heartbroken to see her drop her support for me. Then again; if she saw my dresses then perhaps she already has an idea of what is to come... I hope.

Wish me luck girls.

Good luck with that. I am far away from my mom, otherwise I would prefer talking with her face to face. So I can also observe and thus understand where her reactions will be going.

This is the thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194775.0.html

If you have written your letter already, you can give it to her now.

Help her understand, give her time, do not make her think she has any say in this. The decision is yours alone.

Quote from: Girl Beyond Doubt on November 09, 2015, 02:47:34 PM
If you have written your letter already, you can give it to her now.

Help her understand, give her time, do not make her think she has any say in this. The decision is yours alone.

I still have my letter, but I feel it contains a lot of venting... I'm not sure if that's a good approach. Maybe I can keep it short.

You know her and your relationship with her best.
That said, I would give her the original letter (including venting), and then talk to her and explain to her why I had written it and how I had had intended to give it to her.
I would.