I haven't been on this website for quite a while due to the fact that I abandoned the idea of myself being transgender. I told myself that i was only doing it because I /wanted/ to be the opposite gender, and that I wanted the attention that came with it, and that I was only in a phase.
That was, say, nearly 2 years ago. I was 14 at the time, and desperately thought I was transgender. But then I was torn apart by a large side of me pointing out how feminine i can act at times, and how emotional/sensitive I can be. Basically, it made no logical sense for me to be claiming that I'm a male when I never have before I found out about FTM existing.

Every now and then, thoughts would randomly pop up in my head "i wish I was a boy doing this" or "I wish I looked like him" or " I wish I had those parts". Those thoughts happened at random throughout the past few years, but I always dismissed them as myself just wanting to be different yet again.

I kept dismissing it because, again, it honestly makes no logical sense of me being a male. I was a girly kid when I was younger. Sure I liked playing in the mud, and playing with toy cars but I always loved dresses and acting like a "mommy's girl". I wanted to get my period so bad when I was younger because it meant I was growing up, and it never bothered me until about 8th/9th grade. I never thought my privates (chest area & genitals) were strange until maybe 7th grade. I didn't act like every other transgender person where I got along with people opposite of my sex. As I kid, I was pretty much just an average girl, just loads nerdier than the rest.

But now everything feels swapped. For two years I've dismissed all these thoughts of "what if I am?"
But now everything feels wrong and it feels like it's suffocating me. I respect those who accept themselves as transgender, honestly I do, but I dont want to be trans. The thought keeps occurring to me more and more that I may be FTM and it's making me want to have anxiety attacks.
Since the summer I keep thinking about how much I wish I had/want male anatomy and how much I would just swap my body if I could, and all these things about how gross and I awkward I feel in my already unattractive body. I don't feel like I fit in with boys, and I don't feel like I fit in with girls, (along with nonbinary, gender fluid, etc.). I dont fit in with any of it and I don't understand anymore. I thought I'd be okay if I kept saying I wasn't, but it's only gotten worse.
I didn't feel disgusted by my female anatomy as a child/preteen, why do I feel so differently now? Why can't I just be okay with how I am now? Do I just want the attention of this on a subconscious level? IM so confused and even being on this website makes me want to cry because I just can't handle the thought of this. WHy did I suddenly flip a switch and only as an early teenager did I think I was trans? Is this just some type of hidden misogyny surfacing?

For two years these thoughts of " i really wish I didn't have *insert female body part here*" keep targeting my brain and my chest feels like it's going to explode every time I actually think about it. I feel so stupid.

None of it makes sense

I guess I'm asking for some, or really any, type of advice/help. Just.. Something.

I know I went the other way but I will work with you as long as you will work with me. We don't all have the same age of discovery and many of us are able to suppress what we feel for a while. The problem is when we suppress it, when the feeling returns it hits us even harder. I don't know how much you learned the last time you were here because I have only been here about 6 months so I will give you the basics you may or may not know. Most commonly the desire to have the body of the other gender makes people think you are a transsexual but that isn't always the case because there are other states between transsexualism and CIS. You might be feeling there are some thing you enjoy from your birth gender but other things that make you very uncomfortable. You need to find a place to exist where you are comfortable with all the feelings you have. In my case, I was very uncomfortable as a male but I had many skills and abilities I wasn't going to give up. As the result, people often wonder how a woman can do that. For starters you need to determine what of the female side you are still comfortable with and what you need from the male side. You also will need therapy because you will accomplish more there than I can help you with. For now, if you haven't already done it, go to youtube and request "the transition channel". You can compare what you feel with what a doctor would look for. Knowing what you are will help give you the strength to seek a treatment that will deal with what you feel.

Feel free to post questions on this thread and will check it when there is a post.

I can really relate to what you're saying.

As a kid, I had no doubt I was a boy. I liked action movies, superheroes, videogames, comic books and everything that "a boy is supposed to like".

I felt ok with who I was and didn't question myself. When I was about 12-13 I started thinking "what if I was born a girl?" I don't remember if I had anything against being male because my puberty guaranteed that I would hate my body anyway. The acne, the sudden height changes, the discomfort of my genital area.

I didn't even know that there were such thing as transgender people, I just knew that I wasn't comfortable with myself. I thought that the "what if" crossing my mind maybe was just some kind of fantasy or fetiche. When I found out that being trans was a thing, I was in denial. I like so many masculine things. It just couldn't be.

It took me a few years to process. Being raised in a very regilious and conservative family, it was hard for me to let it sink in. I thought maybe I was queer or something like this. But deep down there was this "I wanna be a girl" screaming. Ignoring it caused me a lot of pain. I never really thought about how this would get me attention, the only thing I crave is being comfortable with myself.

If I wasn't trans my life would be much more easier. I would't be constantly arguing with my father. I would't have to worry about saving money for the treatment. I would be able to leave home only when I'm ready. But all of this isn't true, I am trans and I have to deal with all of this. And if being able to be who I want will get me rid of all the dysphoria and anxiety, then it's all worth it.

I'm not saying that your case is just like mine. But give it time. Give it thought. It may take a long time untill you can figure it out, but that's something that depends on you.

Finally, no matter if you're a boy, a girl or either, I wish you can find your way. And if you just need someone to talk, you can count on me.

Hey buddy what you are going through is quite normal. And much like the post was above gender questioning is different for all. Growing up I was OK being a boy, tho I do remember have periods of girl envy growing up I was fine with being a boy. Then when I was about 13 this envy got a little stronger. I only experienced true persistent dysporia around end of '13 early '14... So about 2 years. Everyone is different. Try all the roads you can and be the best you

Hi -

You are correct in thinking 'it' makes no sense . . . it doesn't.  It is one of those mysteries that remains shrouded from us; it does however occur and for those us who experience GD the making of no sense and recurring doubts is common.

Now you know that you aren't experiencing some flighty and nonsensical feelings.  They are real - blessing or curse there you have it.  Give some thought to seeing a therapist and meeting up with a support group.  They can really make a difference. 

When I first reached out, seeing a therapist immediately began the long road to peace.  Support groups were another matter - I just couldn't reconcile that I was like 'them!'  They were transgender after all and that was scary and unsettling.  However, there were a couple of folks that were very kind to me and saw past my unsettled stand-offishness.  They became great friends and supports for me through my transition.

How things might go for you can only be known in retrospective, but give some thought to being easy on yourself and accept that you're a good person and worthy of happiness and joy.  (Hint: You are just that you know!)  Reach out and see what you experience and realize it's OK if matters don't seem to open up immediately, or as friend once told me, "The skies may not open up with angels singing to you, but it will bring a new day, and another, and another."  She was prophetic and I did come to find my way after five decades of denial.

This is a great place; maybe a little scary or frustrating for you just now but the people here will 'love' you like a rock.  There simply isn't a more compassionate and caring group of folks.  So hang out, keep talking and be easy on yourself; you may find that the dismay with these recurring feelings and doubts are but a calling to accept one of the greatest and most mysterious gifts humankind can experience and share.

Much love to you and yours,

Rachel

Dena,
I want to thank you for your kind words, and explanation. It doesn't occur to me much that I can take different aspects of both genders and find where I'm comfortable with them. I get the feeling all of this is going to take a while to really become clear to me, but thats something I need to definitely keep in mind for the (near and far) future
As for the youtube channel you've mentioned. I already have visited it a couple years ago, but I think it may be time for me to start looking into information like it again. Thank you for the reminder!

MicheleGui
It reallys means a lot to me to hear your story, because I can't say how many times people have told me "you can't be this because you acted like this" I don't know if I am, or if I'm not. But either way this was really comforting to know about, and again I thank you for it

chloeD33,
Thanks for sharing that info about the ages. For some reason it's always something really hard to wrap my head around because of how late I had these feelings.

Rachel,
oh wow, thank you so much for those supporting words. That means so much, and I wanna thank you for sharing some experiences of your's with a support group- as Ive been thinking about that. Though i wouldn't know where to start.. 
Your friend makes a wise point, and it's something I'm going to try to remember.
Again youre very kind, and I appreciate it greatly <3

I don't think anybody wants to be trans. Who would ask for this if they had a choice? The whole problem of being trans is that it doesn't go away. That makes it a problem.

My mother seems to think my telling her I have this condition means I'm an attention whore. I know that I'm not, so her words have no weight. Are you generally someone who seeks attention for things all the time, because if you aren't, then no, having this problem (and not wanting to have it) means it's not a cry for attention. Especially if all it does is make you feel bad.


Sure, I've asked myself over the last 3 yrs if I really took to the idea of being trans because I wanted to feel special or maybe because I want some excitement in my life? But it's not a glamorous kind of special, more like an ordeal to go through, and in terms of excitement, it's a lot of waiting and worrying. So no, I know it's not that. You gotta do a lot of thinking and collating information from your past to add up to the big picture after the realization that you may be trans. I've done that over 3 yrs and I've arrived at the conclusion that I am - I must be - because my whole life is so awkward and uncomfortable for all the textbook FTM reasons. maybe you just need to mull over it more.

It's possible to be attention seeking and trans that's not necessarily a bad thing

For example I don't think I'll ever know for sure if I liked the girly dresses my mum bought me when i was 7 or 8 because I liked them, or because she wanted me to like them. I got a lot of attention for being FAAB because I was the only girl out of 5 kids. As a child we're not always self aware enough to identify aspects of gender that really are social constructs. There are loads of 'boy' things that i did as a child that shouldn't make any cis women question their gender. My little brother owned his own barbie dolls and had the same sparkly pink my little pony wellies as i did. He could view this as a sign about his gender or he could remember that it was because he just wanted to join in with what i was doing (and he had to have his own barbies because i wouldn't share!)

I try to bear in mind that there are plenty of cis-identifying males that like to cross-dress, or do ballet, or played with their sisters' dolls as children, and have never questioned their gender. What's most important is what's in my head and how i feel about my body.

Anytime! Remember you are among friend here ! We wana help you find you with you. And some of the things you talk about is what I went through, tho in the opposite direction. Growing up I liked playing what some people may consider more male orientated video game like grand theft auto and such (I say more male because I never met a girl who played those games, but plenty of boys did), when I was 12 I was already shaving facial hair and I kinda liked it at first... In the last few years I hate it, but like you it was a sign of growing up. I had far more friends who were boys then girls, tho I truly enjoyed being with the few who were girls. Now during these times did I have girl envy? Yup, but that didn't mean I hated being a boy back then. This notion that being transgender means you must have hating being your birth gender from 3 days old and lived an entire life time of crippling dysporia is not as common as one things but is a popular thing in the media. Explore your options, you could be a woman, non binery, a masculine leaning woman or perhaps a man. All good things and you will find which one you are . This time in 2010, when I was 16 I would have NEVER have planned transition or call myself transgender. I was in such denial, but here I am. Go through this with an open mind, it helps so much in the long run

Sorry if that came across preachy but I wana help with advice anyway I can

As I like to put it, "I took on the trans-beast For Real six years ago...." There were plenty of false starts along the way starting at about age 16. A very long time ago indeed for me. These false starts include two serious "experiments" with transitioning before settling on self-identifying as a CD. (As in hoping and wishing I can live at that end of the TG spectrum in spite of all my feelings otherwise)

You are certainly not alone in the yes I am, hell no I aint swings. I subscribe to the "If you think you may be TG, you are" school of thought. Figuring out where you are in the broad spectrum between cis-female and cis-male is often difficult. It is often a moving target as you too move through life.

I like you "Don't want to be trans" my totally uneducated, non-scientific guess is everyone here would like to have been born with the right body parts.  I've been suppressing female thoughts/feelings/desires for 45+ years.  It wasn't until recently that it was becoming hard to handle.  Then one day doing some research I found the term "Gender Dysphoria".  It was like an explosion went off, volcano erupted and my life was laid out in front of me in print.

Having a medical term to go with what I was feeling gave me the tools to look deeper and talk about it.  I finally opened up to my wife just last week.  Since I could point to a medical list of symptoms I was more confident and prepared to bring the subject up.

It also scared me in that some of the "side effects" included suicide in an alarming high percentage of people.  I personally never got to that state, but I could see how easy it would be.

Consider educating yourself on that term and talk to someone.  I started with my sister who I knew would be supportive.  She is my free therapist to whom I can talk to about anything from clothes to sexual preferences.

What ever you do, please find someone to talk to.  If you can't I find writing it down helps.  At times I want to go all in TODAY, and at times I want to keep things the same.  Change (and this is a whopper!) is scary.

BTW - If I could swap bodies with you, I'd be there this afternoon.

Quote from: animalover9 on November 07, 2015, 06:56:41 PM...I was a girly kid when I was younger. Sure I liked playing in the mud, and playing with toy cars but I always loved dresses and acting like a "mommy's girl"....As I kid, I was pretty much just an average girl, just loads nerdier than the rest.

There's been some great advise from those above so all I'm going to add is this.  Growing up, I loved baseball.  I played from age 7 to my senior year in high school and when I was younger I was quite good at it making the All Star team as a third baseman.  At puberty, I kind of got left behind in size, strength and speed so I went from very good to average but I still tried.  However, after a game, if my parents weren't home for any length of time, I might go from my baseball uniform right into my mom's dresses and heels.   So "normal" behavior for a boy in my case meant nothing other than I simply liked what I was doing.  It meant nothing regarding my being transgender.  Although I did find that being a baseball player, I got beat up a lot less than when I was the nerdy little kid who read science fiction books even at recess. 

Bev