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gender identity issues most prevelant when it comes to sex...

Started by monsieur jellyfish, October 28, 2015, 11:44:30 AM

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monsieur jellyfish

...Hello. First post here, after many long years of dysphoria/self loathing/ etc, etc  I'm feeling desperate to talk to someone.

I identify as gender queer but I am biologically female.

As it's 1am and I have work tomorrow I'll keep it brief for now. I am more than willing to share more if it helps me clear things up.

So the biggest thing that has been affecting me more now than ever is that I can't satisfy myself without feeling miserable.  I put on the het porn and I identify with the male involved. When I'm finished with my business or whatever I feel so <not Allowed> low and horrible and it hurts because I wish I could just snap my fingers and have a glorious penis for having sex with (among other things)

When it comes to the rest of my life I feel like there are many parts of me that are very feminine and others that are more masculine. I don't know what it feels to be either necessarily as I've never felt comfortable in my own skin nor have I felt like I could entirely relate to either gender. I'm just me and kind of weird and awkward.

I don't know if what I'm experiencing is something common, but I hate it. I'm single but I hate masturbating unless I imagine myself as a man... But afterwards I always feel so unsatisfied and sad.

When I mentioned to female friends that I wish I had a penis they just say "oh me too" and we end up talking about how misogynistic society is. But I still don't feel like they get it. I don't know what would help at this point.

This is something I've gone through in waves. It's been hitting me hardest as of lately. 

Hope this is the right place to put this. If I should elaborate more let me know.

Thank you.

Mod Edit- Please watch the language. Thank You
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Dena

Welcome to Susan's Place. I think a gender therapist would help you get to to the bottom of this. Sometimes when we self diagnose we may not get it right and other times there are issues we need to deal with in order to be comfortable where we are. I was transsexual and I knew it at an early age but it took me a great deal of therapy in order to become comfortable with the fact. You might very well be gender queer but more on the masculine side. Exploring ones feeling takes time and possibly others will be able to give you more input on this. Good luck with your journey.

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captains

Hey man -- your post really resonates. I identity as a non binary guy (think: FTMish) and I have a lot of the same issues wrt dysphoria and intimacy.

Sorry I can't respond in depth atm. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
- cameron
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cinnamute

I can relate to this a lot as well.  The only thing clear in my mind is that my sex is wrong.

I think the only reason it bothers me less, after 2 years of mtf HRT, is that my T is so low I don't think about sex that much. 

Others seem to be able to get into the cultural aspects of gender, and seem to take comfort in conforming to their notion of the feminine or masculine ideal.  But culture seems arbitrary to me.  I see no reason to stop doing this and that if I like it, or to start being these other things if I'm not like that.

Very similar experience with the solo stuff as well. If I fantasize about being the female, it's exciting, but very sad, and always has been.  The male role is something I can do in a detached fashion, and it scratches that itch, as it were.  I think masturbation is good for helping to avoid depression, even if you have the wrong bits, if you approach it like it's a simple exercise, like a set of bench presses or something.

I've adopted the stance of calling myself "not male," or "other".  I think there's much more to being female, both socially and biologically, than can be corrected in me, even if I do strongly identify with one particular component of it.  But at the same time, I simply can't relate to male behavior, either.
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Catherine Sarah

Hi jellyfish,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Personally I have experienced to some degree, parts of where you are. Only my outcomes were more an incentive to move forward and get this whole GD thing addressed.

My only comment for you to consider would be contemplating contacting a gender therapist, as there may be unrealised issues involved in the whole transaction. You may not be aware of them and you may not be comfortable expressing hem here, either. A god therapist will guide you through the process so you can deal with these matters.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Speak to you as soon as I get the kids off to school.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine




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Dinah

Dear mr jellyfish, you're not alone. I have issues similar to yours. For a while I tried to "solve" them by avoiding sex and masturbation completely, but that just made me feel uncomfortable in a different way. :(



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