Hey, I wanted to post this in the Significant Others forum but then I saw the request to keep that a safe space for them. Problem is this is kind of a question for them but I figured I could learn a bunch from other trans folk too.

Basically my problem is that my brother has turned his back on me. We were very close, we shared a room from the moment of his birth when I was 3 until I was 20. Then I moved, a year and a half later he followed me and we shared a room for another 4 years. We were housemates after that for a further few years. I had always taken my role of big brother very seriously and he was one of the people in my life that I never wanted to loose. The thought of what my suicide could do to him restrained my hand in my darkest hours. I have offered him unquestioning and unequivocal support his whole life. Even when he wasn't talking to our folks he talked to me. We had four or five long phone calls a year, three guarantees and floating maybes. He lives in another state with his wife and kids. I also usually got to visit once or twice a year.

We haven't spoken since I came out in February. I was able to coax an email out of him back in August in which he told me that his brother died when I came out, he has been in mourning ever since and he doesn't have time to get to know someone new. He still says he supports me but also accused me of being "toxic". His birthday is coming up this month and I noted that FB wasn't reminding me of it so I tried to find his page. I found out he and his wife have blocked me and unfriended me. I was going to write him on his birthday (keeping it positive and focused on him) but now I don't know if I should. Anyone have an opinion?

I have no way to know what he is going through. But, I have been loosing all of my friends. I have lost all of my male friends and all but one of my female friends now. The one I have left wasn't that close before I transitioned. She has become a big help and a saving grace.

A couple of those who were close to me also have told me that they are mourning me. The caregiver in me wants to help them heal. But I don't know how. What can I do for my brother? What are they going through? My former best friend muttered a couple months back that he should message my brother (they were friends/roommates/band mates) and I encouraged him to do so. But I don't think he did. Should I just move on? How do you cope with your lost connections? Have any of y'all been able to rebuild relationships years later?

I have come to the best place I can with this right now but it still hurts. Any advice?

sad to say, but you might as well move on , His wife might have something to do with it. My niece and the only one that I had contact with from my family stopped communicating with me and I feel my sister had a lot to do with it. He might try to contact you in the future so there is always hope, but I think the problem at the moment is possibly the whispering in his ear.

I think the only option of you is to use snail mail to communicate with your brother. You might want to leave the return address off the letter in the hopes that it will at least be looked at.

Thanks y'all. You are both probably right. And thanks for your suggestion Dena. I think I can move on whilst sending notes of love to the silence. I was friends with his wife and sent her an email. The response seems to have been blocking me.

The worst part is he had a new baby this year. My parents have not been invited to meet the child but have had to see his wife's family in photos holding it. I am not privy to those pics. I think they are being shut out because of me.

I felt guilty for that until today. I remembered how I had always taken his blame when we were kids. I felt I deserved blame in general. One of my worst fears about coming out was that it might tear my family apart. Now that has come to pass. But, my Mom said he is acting like an a$& ho#% upon the revelation of my ban and that made me realize I was again taking the blame for his actions. So I have come to terms in a way and I have moved the blame for the division on his shoulders.

It just hurts me to know that he is hurting and there is nothing I can do. I won't wait for him to contact me, but I will love him all the same when and if he does. Heck, I will always love him unconditionally.

You need to understand that you are growing and becoming a more mature person. People who reject you refuse to grow themselves or acknowledge that for once you need to do this for your self. Many of us including me give a a good deal of ourselves to others and that gift isn't always acknowledged by the others we love. You don't deserve it because you are asking only one thing from them when you have given so much but there is the possibility that some day they will understand and return to you. It has happened to others on this site and I hope it happens soon for you.

Thank you Dena, you are so wise and comforting. I have seen you help so many folks here. You have helped me maintain hope.

It sounds like you have done all you can.  If you leave the door open, maybe someday he will have a change of heart.  That happened with a family member of mine.  Once the mourning period was over, in this case about 8 months, they came back and our relationship was stronger than it ever was.  They described the same feeling, that the other person had died, and that they are now getting to know this new "long lost family member" they never knew before.

But everyone is different.  Another family member and I haven't talked in years, and I doubt we ever will.  Don't try too hard, the decision is with him, and no amount of well-wishing on your part will change his mind if he's not open to it.

This is a heart-wrenching and interesting subject for me. I am starting to see it in a few friends, the distancing or just outright avoiding of the newer me.

It tells you how gender is so entrenched in peoples ideas of identity. It probably should not be. I'm the same person in so many ways i have always been. Probably more the same then different, adding in positive things like more mental stability, no longer depressed and smiling all the time. Really i believe they would like me more. We are all just people making our way through this world, why complicate it more than it needs to be.

I have one friend where we stay close via texts and FB to an extent, but lately our every two week beers together have become a thing of the past. I finally called him on it nicely and he was like, i have to be honest - i am stupidly nervous about people thinking we are "together" at the bar. I am like wow really?! am i that homely? he said no actually the opposite and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Sort of strange but i appreciate his honesty. My wife says give him time, i will.

Anyways so sorry you are facing this.

mfox, sorry I didn't get back to you, and thanks for your kind words. My brother's birthday was Sunday. I was at my parents house. They had emailed him earlier in the week asking to video chat. They told him I would be there and he said he was too busy adding that I was not respecting his boundaries. I don't think four emails in ten months is too much. Especially when those were just asking what contact I could have and expressing my unconditional love. Well, I guess I know that I can't contact him. So I didn't. I have made my peace with this. All I can do is hope. I won't wait though. If I get my brother back it will be with open arms that I greet him.

Robyn, you put it so well in your first paragraph. That is exactly how I feell. I know that what you talk about with your friend is one of the issues with my former best friend. I knew my relationships would change, I just didn't know how much. It is painful but I think I am growing from the experience. That is the important part. I would never go back even if I could. Even with all this loss in my life lately my seconds, hours, days and life are better than they ever were before.