Yeah, I know this is not a big deal to strangers because everyone has dead people and goes through trials, tribulation and all that other pile of dog crap. But this is a big deal in my perspective. I don't even know what thoughts I "should" think right now. I am not very skilled with portraying sympathy/empathy on the outside for the world to witness. In fact, not very many people have the opportunity to view me as "emotional" at all. The way I carry myself from a day-to-day basis is not "normal. I feel, look, and think like a machine set to "auto-pilot." To be a "machine," means that I am "pre-programmed" only to perform tasks of familiarity. With familiarity, I can be safe. I do not know how to express myself....literally. Like I ->-bleeped-<-in have the hardest time with showing certain emotion, if any. Hell, I can't even comprehend nor differentiate just which emotions I am either feeling on the inside or projecting on the outside. I know we all have an addiction to blaming our childhood on our "oddities," however, I honestly believe my pops raised(conditioned would be a more appropriate word in this psychopathic scenario) me to not feel.

Anyway, I found this bad news out yesterday on my way to the doctor. Because I had to shift my focus 100% on this appointment, I temporarily had to dissociate myself like a computer being unplugged from a wall socket. But this hit me like a great, massive tidal wave once I went to bed that night. I honestly don't know how I even managed to fall asleep after talking like crazy to myself, out loud.

This morning, I came to the sad conclusion that I would not attend her funeral once she passes. I love my great grandmom. I do not have the love of my family, however. They couldn't stand me even when I tried unsuccessfully to live as female. I don't even want to imagine the ->-bleeped-<- I would endure from them if I went as Phoenix.

I don't even want to share any of the cruel crap they would spit in my face to me on here, cause I would be so liable of makin everyone here hate me too. 

So, they definitely have my sincere sympathies(even if this emotion is hard for me to show, I sure can feel it), but its best if I remained where I am and do not attend this. Chaos would surely ensue.

This morning, I briefly met with my cis bro, a very rare occurrence due to his employment in the military. I asked him, "Would you ever go to a funeral in a dress?"

His answer was to look down to the floor in pure, silence....

~Nixy~

do what you need to do for yourself. I stayed away from my fathers funeral until all my siblings had left. I wasn't going to go because I was the one who took care of him until he passed, but my cousin persuaded me to go. It really wouldn't of been a big deal because I was the only one by his side for 6 years.

Do what you can stand. Funerals are about paying respect to the dead, not pandering to the living. Have a moment of silence for her on your own and go visit her grave another time to say goodbye. I have a hard time being around sad people, so I don't go to funerals. Does it make me look bad to my family? Maybe. Do I care? Not a bit, because it's not about them.

Sorry about your grandmother. Mine passed away last month. FWIW, they also said she had a week to live. In April. So your grandmom might be around longer than they say.

King, My deepest sympathies.

I think you response to your brother was magnificent BTW.

I didn't go to either my Dad's or Mum's funerals - they never could accept me and I left home when I was young (17) to live my life.

Now I do regret it, but I made my decision and it was the right one at the time.

Funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living and if the living don't respect you; well they don't respect the dead either.

Hold you GreatGranma's heart in your soul and remember that she loved you and you her. That is all that is important.

Cindy

Phoenix,

Just like Cindy said, funerals are for the living, not the passed. Only you know the right thing to do, and how and when to do it.
I know how that conditioning of auto pilot goes, the machine like familiar day in day out routine. Having nothing more than just that, no emotion, no internal to external ways to show how you are feeling. Just clockwork.

Just know that you can show your grandma your sympathies with or without going. Of course in these times it is "best" to be with family to help the mourning process... But if they are not within the same page as you then well we wont need to have the physical and mental abuse of being there as a "family punching bag." I'm not sure how exactly your family is with certain aspects of life, respect or anything else, but its your decision to respect your grandma's life and passing in your own way. Don't let anyone else especially family ultimately run or ruin your response to these event in life and death.

I know your grandma would be proud of you in any which way you decide to go by, if you go to the funeral, or if you stay away from the familial aspect of it and just have your own memorial for her.

Kate <3

Thanks, everyone, for your replies....

~Nixy~

Quote from: Katiepie on November 11, 2015, 10:03:31 AM
But if they are not within the same page as you then well we wont need to have the physical and mental abuse of being there as a "family punching bag."

Yeah, that "but" says it all....

~Nixy~

Quote from: Katiepie on November 11, 2015, 10:03:31 AM
I know your grandma would be proud of you in any which way you decide to go by, if you go to the funeral, or if you stay away from the familial aspect of it and just have your own memorial for her.

Kate <3

I suppose so.

~Nixy~

In my experience, funerals are really for the people left alive, not the dead. I've sat at funerals where people reeled off the craziest ->-bleeped-<- about someone they never liked in life, claiming to be devastated and that the dead was a wonderful person and I've had to grit my teeth to avoid confrontation. I've been at funerals with police presences because the deceased was a murder victim and the murderer's family was sat in the front row pretending to cry. I've been at wakes where the family can only just about tolerate each others' presence until they get real drunk and then the ->-bleeped-<- hits the fan. In short, I hate funerals, and after the one with the police presence I swore I'd never attend another, even if it was my mother's. Plus, to be honest, I feel they're rather useless as a way for me to honor the dead, because in such a formal environment I completely clam up, wear my face of stone and just wish it was over with.

I've always had more heartfelt goodbyes saying them privately to the passed on by myself somewhere. If you get a chance, see her while she's still alive. Moments like that are far more meaningful for you both than attending funerals, I guarantee it.

The funeral is about how you and others grieve the loss.  If it is going to be difficult or disrespectful in how you are allowed to grieve, then do what's best for you . . . it's funny but your actions will probably be wise for others as well.

I send you my best wishes and care for you and your loss.  Take care of yourself and be gentle in your grief.  It will serve you well as time passes.

Take care,

Rachel

Quote from: Qrachel on November 12, 2015, 04:30:14 PM
The funeral is about how you and others grieve the loss.  If it is going to be difficult or disrespectful in how you are allowed to grieve, then do what's best for you . . . it's funny but your actions will probably be wise for others as well.

I send you my best wishes and care for you and your loss.  Take care of yourself and be gentle in your grief.  It will serve you well as time passes.

Take care,

Rachel

Thank you.

And yeah, she actually just passed away today. Not exactly sure where things are gonna go from here but I think also my decision to refrain from attending her funeral would indeed be wise. I really don't want to create any more upset than there already is from the loss of a highly respectable matriarchal family member like my Great Grandmother. But my heart continues to ache, not only from guilt of "being different" but this loss is starting to really get to me after hearing it from my dad a couple of hours ago.

I just want to let it all out, but my mechanical lack of sympathy and obsession with appearing more male and adult at the same time won't allow for it. I know I shouldn't let stupid, minuscule things like that stop me from expressing grief and sorrow for the passing of my Great Grandmother, but I guess I really cannot help it. I feel so heartless and yet so sad...

~Nixy~