when I was going trough puberty it was basically an exhausting, confusing, nightmarish marathon of body dysphoria and crossdressing.. The more I look back at those years the more I realize how much pain I was in. I had no one to turn to and I was hurting because my body was fighting my mind. I tried to relieve the pain through cross dressing , but that really just caused more pain because it showed me how wrong I was.

Started early for me... at least by age 11 if not a bit earlier. I can't say it was fun but it wasn't intolerable. I didn't discover the "fun package" component until I was about 12 and a half... after that it was the only way I could get "relief" and disconnect from reality. Ugh.

I had the whole dysphoria thing going on...all of my "wet dreams" were with me as the female...add to this, the confusion of puberty and then just to ice it off put a good dollop of child sexual abuse on top....I hated puberty...it was gross and extremely depressing. I knew I was male because that is the way my body was developing but did I want to be male and so started the constant battle...yes...I mean no...I mean yes...oh hell I dunno...it is a lot for a 11 or 12 year old to try and work it out especially when you have no knowledge of anything trans and no frame of reference...Confusion was one of the major emotions in my pubescent life and that constant dysphoria of wanting to be a girl never let up despite the physical trauma visited upon me by the abuser.

Sarah T

Mine was not difficult.  I knew I was trans at 11 but because my parents found out I crossdressed I got sent away to an all male military school at 13.  This obviously didn't cure anything but it did remove television and isolated me from any triggers and all opportunities so it was easy to repress during those years.  Also, it was 1973 and I thought I was unique in my insanity and didn't suspect there were others or that there were options until later.

Combined with that was me trying to prove myself and working to achieve some specific things to be able to go to the college I wanted.  So I focused on overachieving at everything and the rest went to the background for a while.

Even so, I was aware of my difference and remember watching and copying others to portray gender appropriate responses to situations, going overboard with the macho act sometimes.  But it worked.

One thing I have wondered though is if watching others to figure out how to behave during those years is unique to trans people or if it's something that everybody does subconsciously?  Maybe that's just the normal way people grow up during puberty.

Wow, was just thinking about this...it was hell for me.  Horrible experience with dysphoria driving all sorts of actions and feelings.  Without a support or research structure, I was not able to figure out why was was feeling like I did.  No way to understand that I was actual acceptable and normal...I vacillated from bad to really bad thoughts.  My lack of understanding created anger that I took out on everything and eventually gave way to alcoholism (the alcohol use lasted till I started HRT in 96), but the anger did subside leaving just the dysphoria to cope with.

Not all was bad.  I uncovered my name during my puberty years and that is precious.  I also by 16, was gaining a level of self acceptance.

I was happy about it, at the time.  Coming of age was a huge deal for me.

Sheer hell. I watched my dream of being able to live as a woman slip further out of reach every day. I turned from a quiet timid but friendly kid into a PITA. I coped by underage drinking, skipping meals, self harm and fighting. Fortunately I lacked the ruthless streak to be a real thug.
I thought that by being a teenage brat from hell no one would notice my difference from other boys, in reality very few people were fooled

Hated hated hated it! Wondered why hair wax growing every where. But the worst wax the smell I can still remember it. Also that's when I started getting major dysphoria with my body at the time. I couldn't stand to wear shorts because of the hair and trying to cut the hair off and still growing.

Also didn't help that my parents didn't explain anything to me at all and I wax homeschooling and had zero friends. So it took research on my own to figure what wax going on by myself.  At least now I'm going through the right puberty.

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Mine was well filled with jealousy.. I was jealous of how the girls were developing, I so wanted breasts and to wear the cute outfits they wore. I also wanted pierced ears, my father was strictly against males having earrings.  My second puberty went very well.

As teenager, i cross dressed to help me feel better, it just felt right wearing female clothing items, ok.. I only wore as a teenager pantyhose, a pantie and cheerleader skirt.  After high school I started exploring the fact I might be female and then I would wear complete outfits.

at 21 my second puberty began and I began to look how I felt inside, a young woman.

Not a lot of fun. Feeling left out from what everyone else was apparently feeling. Just feeling sad, and wrong, wrong, wrong.

I think isolated is the word. I grew up in a rural area with a real small town small minded mindet. By then no one was going to understand becoming more and more something I didn't want to be so no point saying anything. All in all confused and frustrated.

Cause it is the same age this reminds me of sports in school.. being forced to play "boys" sports which I was no good at and not interested in really somehow added to my depression.  When I was about 17 I started playing field hockey (considered a "girls" sport at the time) and found myself so much more enthusiastic and actually was quiet good at it.  By then it was the start of the 90s and maybe attitudes were changing..five years before it was not even possible where I went to school.

I don't know when puberty started.

In a way, I was lucky until late 20s because I was so ignorant about medical transition. About body characteristics, I learned late about that too. I saw girls grow longer hair. My parents were taking care my hair remained cut so I just accepted it. I thought I will always have hair and that I will be able to grow it myself someday.

I didn't notice breast on girls, so no big deal either. I didn't stick with boys who would make sexual remarks so that was clear too.

I also didn't know about the genitalia difference literally until the biology class when I was 14. After that class I did check (again and repeatedly) what is in my pants and here is my thought -- I can make it disappear if I wish for it, right? I will use magic. Something has got to work. But I knew that was not truth. I was not about to ask girls whether they really have a vagina. I knew better by then. Back then I didn't know anything about transition so I just accepted the state of things too. I was a kid. Adaptable. Flexible.

Those parts were not as damaging. The most damage I suffered is from inability to socialize with girls and take social role of a girl. Heey, colorful stuff. Sweaters. Barbie backpack. Dolls. Had none of it. I watched my childhood slide and roll away. Lost. I will never accept it. Even nowadays I think somehow it will come back and I will have those days again. I know it is a trick of my mind, but can't help it. Thus, selected: mentally damaging. Those people who knew me since primary school and had elected to add me on facebook after I came out do notice one big difference. Will quote one female friend


Enough said.

Moody, crying, then happy and all over again like a cycle. That sums it up

Completely confused and bewildered pretty much sums it up 

Hell but slow enough thankfully. Voice didn't drop until I was 16-17. Body hair though took off like a rocket and I was extremely bummed out.

Multiple suicide attempts. Cops by our house often.

Tried on everyone's clothes. I lived with my dad and there was no clothes in the house.

If I knew transition was possible then I would have done it.

Socially, it was a nightmare for me.  I knew there were "rules", but the only one I was able to figure out was that you are not allowed to ask what the rules are.  I never fit in with other boys and never really learned boy stuff.  (I'm only now figuring out why: 'cause I wasn't one!)  And, being male, I was not allowed to learn girl stuff. 

Add well-meaning but clueless parents who refused to sign my permission slip for sex ed at school, but who wouldn't tell me about it at home, and I turned into a lonely, isolated guy.  I still have a hard time fitting in, or at least believing that I fit in, in any group.

Easily the worst time in my life.  I felt so upset and disturbed by what my body was doing and yet felt ashamed abd guilty for wishing I could be having a female puberty.  Growing up in a catholic background didn't make me feel okay with my feelings and I didn't properly understand what being transgender was and that there were other people experiencing the same feelings as me.  Meeting the first other transgender person ive ever met really was illuminating as Iearnwd about transitioning and rhat there was a whole other set of people goibg through the sane stuff.  At the time, thoufh,I felt like I was a sick freak for feeling the way I did and felt like a hideous beast for watching my body turn into what it was changing to.  I've never really recovered from that period of my life and still very much feel emotionally like the scared kid that i was when going through puberty and when in mid/high school.

LTL, that sounds so familiar!  Was alone until November of 1990.  All the way to that point, I considered myself as the only one and absolutely crazy.  This was affirmed by my strongly Catholic parents and a religious doctrine that viewed me a abhorrent.  The last thing on earth that was possible was to live as myself...that would have been a sin!

One man in one evening shattered my defenses and set me on the greatest path I have ever tread, but I have suffered the pain and scars of a self-transphobic adolescence.  Sounds like I am not alone in this.

Oh I knew when I was twelve or thirteen.  I was watching television.....the Phil Donahue show and they had these people on the show that were women but not really women.  I was in the den by myself watching this and when I was able to put two and two together I cut the television off and got out of the room as quickly as I could. It became quickly clear why I was so envious of Cathy and Becky at school.  That started many years of living a lie, hiding the big secret from everyone and being in mortal fear of being found out.  I could not tell anyone.....family....friends....anyone.   Life was depression, dysphoria and trying anything to rid myself of these thoughts and feelings.

I diidn't start puberty until I was 16, and it was difficult being so underdeveloped, because I was picked on a lot; I wanted to fit in, which led me to start lifting weights when I was 19, and subsequently start taking anabolic steroids for a year when I was 23. I was very confused and in denial for a very long time.