To begin with I would like to reach out and give all of you a big hug!  I love this place, and reading through the posts of others, I have already received some insight and help.

  I am 64 years old. (Are there any other ladies here now that started so late? I would love to talk)  And I suppose mine is a all too familiar story; my earliest memories are that of feeling that I was a girl. I would stand in front of the mirror tucking to look like a girl and wishing my boy parts would go away. I would get into my mother's panties and play with her slips too. When she painted her nails I wanted mine done also (she would do my toenails ). And I remember on many occasions her telling her lady friends "I should of been a girl" and she was so right. (Guess moms just know. Not that the signs weren't there)  I never fit into the ruff and tumble play with the boy's and much prefered to be with the girls.  I didn't have much upper body strength either and P.E. at school was a nightmare. Of course the other boy's picked up on all of this and I was bullied and got the crap beat out of me. As a result I pushed the girl so deep inside, I went so far the other way, no one would ever find her again. NO one but me that is, all these years later.
  I should add here that I'm married and I'm a homosexual. (Boy,what a mess eh?)  I realized early on that I was gay....it just felt so right. (Something that I have never felt whenever I was with a woman)  But it gave me one more thing to hide from the world. God, I wish I would of been stronger back then but 1963 America was a much different place. (Saying that sounds like such a cop out....I don't mean it to be)  Fortunately, I haven't hidden being gay from my wife and she has known for 20+ years and she loves and accepts me.  In spite of my attraction to men, I love her with all my heart. Truly I do. However, she does not know of the woman within me and I fear the knowledge of that will be the straw that breaks the camels back. It is easy to hide one's homosexuality, quite another thing when one is in transition. (And right now, transition is something I feel I must do. Perhaps that may change as I move forward but I don't think so) 

  Last week I had my first appointment with a therapist that deals with gender identity. She gave me much to think about, and some reading to do. I made the appointment but by the time it rolled around I was having doubts but thought I'd just see her this one time. I sat down in her office, she asked one question, and it all came poring out, I couldn't stop talking. By the end of the hour I was trembling and crying uncontrollably. I look forward to her helping me navigate through this and give me some direction. It's a bit scary what with all my fears.

  This is actually my second attempt at dealing with this. A year ago I tried on another fourm. I was trying without the help of a therapist. I rode a wave of euphoria then that lasted perhaps a month before I crashed and reverted back to the angry person I was prior to it. One truly needs help with this, I now believe.

  Before closing;
Music has been such a big part of my life, from banging on the family piano as a child to playing 5years in a very successful local rock band.  That said, songs speak to me and the song that touches my heart right now more than any is, IN THE ARMS OF A ANGEL by Sarah Mclachlan. The lyrics are so powerful and moving I cannot sing the first verse without breaking out in tears. It's been around for a while now but if you haven't already listened to the lyrics please do so and let me know if your as moved by them as I am .....or, if there's another song that moves you, please let me know that too.

  I look forward to upcoming conversations

   HUGS,

  Savannah

PS
I must apologize, this was starting to look like a novel 

Hi Savannah 

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Hugs

V M

Hi Savannah, welcome to Susan's. You have nothing to apologize for. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing a novel too. I had that same problem too therapy sessions that I just couldn't stop talking. Your never to old o transition. Several are older on here and have had no issues transitioning. Music was part of my life prior to transitioning too so I can totally relate except that sang and even did so in the church choir for a time. It's wonderful that you have started therapy and are now taking the steps that you need too. Please feel free to ask questions because we are more than willing to help. I wouldn't say it is to complicated at all. All of us come to this point having traveled different, but often similar journeys. So many of us tried to cover and bury it at different points before transitioning, but as you have found out it doesn't work so well in the end and we have to move forward instead. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Welcome to Susan's Place and I am also 64 years old. We differ in that I was Asexual and I forced my way through the system to find treatment so I could receive surgery at 30. You are correct that there wasn't much around and good treatment was very hard to fine. Your sexual preference has nothing to do with your gender identity. You need to decide what you want in life and we will provide the information you need to make it happen. Just let us know what you need and we will do our best to provide it.

Hi Savannah 51

Welcome to Susan's...sounds a bit like you have put yourself through the mill over the last couple of years. I am a young lass of 52 so have a little catching up on you. This is my third attempt to sort my gender issues and it would seem in my case I finally have the right people and the right support to make it through the transition and on to a better life.

There is no substitute for a rock solid partner, staying together is a tough gig for partners. My wife and I have probably grown closer together over the last year than at any other time in our marriage. She has difficulties and is not entirely comfortable seeing me dressed but she is way better about it than she was. She is a marvellous support for me and has really changed her attitude over the last few months. She accepts my need to transition as she has been the major witness who has had to deal with the aftermath of these physical manifestations.

Good luck with your Journey and there are many wonderful people here only to willing to help

Sarah T

 Hello again!

  I must make a small correction, the song is; In The Arms Of The Angel, and not A Angel. A small mistake granted but one none the less. That will teach me to proof read my postings in the future.....but I wouldn't count on it!   Ha

  Mariah,

   Yeah, I have a habit of over explaining things so I write on and on it seems. It's as if I'm afraid no one will understand so I write twice as much as needed to make them understand. Don't quite know why or where it comes from.  There was something I read years ago that went;" Don't explain....your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyway".  Probably not 100% correct but pretty darn close I'm thinking.
  I honestly couldn't do this without some help as my thoughts get to jumbled up. At the end of the first hour at the therapists office I wanted to keep talking, but of course I couldn't. And that's why I come here. To ask questions or just to talk to someone who has gone before. It seems like such a long time between therapy and its so good to talk to someone who UNDERSTANDS!
  Thanks so much! HUGS HUN

  Dena,

  So.....I see 51 was a very good year,eh?  (That is,if you already have had your birthday this year. Lol)
  Surgery at 30!?  OMG girl you are light years ahead of me! Surgery for me is a unattainable dream. I would love to undergo surgery if it were affordable, at least for my voice if nothing else. Right now therapy is stretching it a bit.  Long term goal?  Undergo HRT, live 24/7 as a woman without the surgery. But, it's a long road, so we'll see. Thanks!
  Big squishy HUGS


Sarah,

  Oh, you are a young whipper snapper!! Lol A young lass indeed at 52 but I'll lay money that you never catch me! Ha! Not to offend the younger folks here but doesn't it kill you when a 40yo thinks that they might be to old! if only....  Again, no offence to anyone.
  I do hope my wife can withstand the storm that's coming. But I fear not. The amount of negativity that will come her way (and mine too) from family and friends alike will be just to much for her to take. (Her Family has a zero tolerance policy I believe) Unless we move far away I can't see how our marriage will survive this. Hopefully I'm wrong (been so before) but I don't think so.  So sad but I can't stop here, I have to move forward to be who I am meant to be. This is something I will struggle with....my happiness or  hers. Seems like it cannot be both.  I can't tell you how happy I am to know that your wife understands you and it gives me hope that mine may too. After all, it's a bridge we haven't crossed yet. Hopefully she will see the happiness within me.
  Continued good luck to you! HUGS Sister

Quote from: Savannah 51 on November 15, 2015, 08:41:53 PM
  Dena,

  So.....I see 51 was a very good year,eh?  (That is,if you already have had your birthday this year. Lol)
  Surgery at 30!?  OMG girl you are light years ahead of me! Surgery for me is a unattainable dream. I would love to undergo surgery if it were affordable, at least for my voice if nothing else. Right now therapy is stretching it a bit.  Long term goal?  Undergo HRT, live 24/7 as a woman without the surgery. But, it's a long road, so we'll see. Thanks!
  Big squishy HUGS

My birthday is in August and yes, 51 was a very good year. I had 2+ years of RLE and your goal may bring you very close to where you want to be. At the end of my RLE I found I could be comfortable without surgery if it weren't available. The real goal is the life style and that would be obtainable. If you are in the United States, there may be some changes in the works for Medicare but the government is still kicking that around. Just let me know if I can help you and by the way, personal messages will work when you hit 15 post. 

Your story was delightful to read. Write more novels please. Haha. Welcome x


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Nothing wrong with that, I sometimes go into to much detail myself. It's important your able to do it in a manner your comfortable with and for some of us it might me long lengthy responses. Explaining to my friends was very important to me and I felt they deserved to know that much and then what happened was mostly up to them. it is true though that you don't have to explain to them if you don't want to or are not ready to. It's only necessary, if you you feel it is. Otherwise it isn't important to. However, I do know that as part of making sure I was ready for SRS so i could receive my letters both therapists asked questions about my friends and if they know or not especially those friends I knew pre-transition. I always came away feeling that way and sometimes jumbled up as I tried to convey everything I needed to. I took to writing things down and bring it in a diary with me to the appointments. It helped me organize my thoughts better and made sure I was able to get to everything I wanted to in the particular session especially whey are throwing questions at you as you move along. I know it can and even more so when sessions start to get further out. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Savannah 51 on November 15, 2015, 08:41:53 PM
   Mariah,

   Yeah, I have a habit of over explaining things so I write on and on it seems. It's as if I'm afraid no one will understand so I write twice as much as needed to make them understand. Don't quite know why or where it comes from.  There was something I read years ago that went;" Don't explain....your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyway".  Probably not 100% correct but pretty darn close I'm thinking.
  I honestly couldn't do this without some help as my thoughts get to jumbled up. At the end of the first hour at the therapists office I wanted to keep talking, but of course I couldn't. And that's why I come here. To ask questions or just to talk to someone who has gone before. It seems like such a long time between therapy and its so good to talk to someone who UNDERSTANDS!
  Thanks so much! HUGS HUN

Clarabrown,

  Thank you so much my dear! That was so sweet of you to say and from a English Lit. Teacher?  Sweet indeed. Thanks for the welcome Hun.
  Warmest Hugs

Dena,

  Ah, ya got me by a month or so. I'm a September baby...a Virgo and I'm picky,and a perfectionist. I like things nice and orderly,everything in its place,and I generally drive those around me nuts!    lol
  Yes, the lifestyle, and some peace of mind are the goals. I think the two walk hand in hand.
  Hugs


Mariah,

  I have thought about keeping a diary or journal of sorts.  I'm not much for writing (probably evident,lol ) as thoughts are usually coming so fast and from multiple directions I have a hard time keeping up. Read; I'm SLOW! Lol  Still I should start one if for nothing else but to have something to look back on. What I really need is a pocket note book to jot down random thoughts I have through the day.
  You touched on a subject I intend to get into soon but in the proper sub forum. And that is friends, but right now I have to run.
  Hugs Sweetie

  Love ya all!

  Savannah
 

Sometimes my notes in the diary were just a list of things and nothing more so I could keep organized with what needed to be talked about during a session. I think that is the key sometimes they really do come from different directions and sometimes at the same time. Remember always go with what your comfortable doing and when your comfortable doing it. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Savannah 51 on November 16, 2015, 10:13:00 PM
Mariah,

  I have thought about keeping a diary or journal of sorts.  I'm not much for writing (probably evident,lol ) as thoughts are usually coming so fast and from multiple directions I have a hard time keeping up. Read; I'm SLOW! Lol  Still I should start one if for nothing else but to have something to look back on. What I really need is a pocket note book to jot down random thoughts I have through the day.
  You touched on a subject I intend to get into soon but in the proper sub forum. And that is friends, but right now I have to run.
  Hugs Sweetie

  Love ya all!

  Savannah

V M,

  Please forgive me for not recognizing earlier that you were the first to welcome me here. Thanks Hun, and I have read through the links you sent along too. 

  Hugs

I am 60 and have Just started my transition been on HRT for about a Year and living Full time for about 7 months .Youy are never too old to be true to Yourself

Toni