I don't know how I feel. Right now I'm a bit emotional about it. I want things to be easy- I want life and it's victories to be more attainable. I have fears that I didn't always have.

I like that being transgender has made me a bit more creative and driven, because I have been able to prove to myself and those close to me that I will become what I want to become in this world. It's allowed me to become more driven, and more passionate. I don't know if, without it, I would be try to be so kind to those that have hurt me in my life, because I might not have know what that kind of pain ever felt like.

I feel just great about being trans.  It is the truth and it took a long time for me to accept it.  Decades of that self defeating shame and guilt are over and what do we ever gain from that self harm and denial?  We can take a chance and expose our vulnerability and encourage others to do the same rather than exploit our fears.

Learning to see and feel the the bright lights of being OK the way you are is magic that works with repetition.  Repeat daily; I was born this way and I'm OK

Yeah, pretty ripe with embarrassment and shame, not nearly as bad as I used to be, but still have trouble being open about it to others, particularly face to face, and it doesn't really have anything to do with what they think. It has to do with what I think, and my own feelings of disappointment, or of being something not socially praised... they may have no problem with it at all, even think it's great. I know that it something I have to work out with myself. Tried to buy clothes today, went to two different stores, but they were too full, and I didn't have the nerve. Really wish that I wasn't like that, my shame and embarrassment is not flattering to myself, or anyone else like me.

If it wasn't for those that did have pride, and self-respect, it would be impossible for those like me to do it. I'll force myself though, maybe tomorrow.

Quote from: Elsa Delyth on November 15, 2015, 01:09:21 AM
Yeah, pretty ripe with embarrassment and shame, not nearly as bad as I used to be, but still have trouble being open about it to others, particularly face to face, and it doesn't really have anything to do with what they think. It has to do with what I think, and my own feelings of disappointment, or of being something not socially praised... they may have no problem with it at all, even think it's great. I know that it something I have to work out with myself. Tried to buy clothes today, went to two different stores, but they were too full, and I didn't have the nerve. Really wish that I wasn't like that, my shame and embarrassment is not flattering to myself, or anyone else like me. It took me a long time not to care when I bought clothes. It's a lot easier not to care when you shop properly dressed.

If it wasn't for those that did have pride, and self-respect, it would be impossible for those like me to do it. I'll force myself though, maybe tomorrow.

for me it was just a very slow process of getting use to it. I've bought things since I was 19 , but always was terrified. One day about 20 years ago I decided to go shopping dressed properly and found it was so much easier and when the store clerks  treated me like every other woman it stopped all the anxiety.

I have always hated it so much.
It has been like the elephant in the room.
It destroyed relationships and made life miserable

Only with the help here from a few special people who shall remain named, Cindy was I able to do anything about it.

How do I feel now?
2 years after E I am scared but happy.
It has allowed me to be she/me. It feels so very different but right.

Do I like being trans. No. never have.

Anyone for elephant well done?

Quote from: Jenny07 on November 15, 2015, 02:01:51 AM
I have always hated it so much.
It has been like the elephant in the room.
It destroyed relationships and made life miserable

Only with the help here from a few special people who shall remain named, Cindy was I able to do anything about it.

How do I feel now?
2 years after E I am scared but happy.
It has allowed me to be she/me. It feels so very different but right.

Do I like being trans. No. never have.

Anyone for elephant well done?

I like tomato sauce on my elephant burgers!

And you young lady are going to be in for a shock when I make it to Sydney.

Quote from: Cindy on November 15, 2015, 02:07:38 AM
And you young lady are going to be in for a shock when I make it to Sydney.

Promises, promises!!!

What have I done now?

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 15, 2015, 02:13:39 AM

Quote from: Cindy on November 15, 2015, 02:07:38 AM
And you young lady are going to be in for a shock when I make it to Sydney.

Promises, promises!!!

I have just about got enough points for a business class seat, I only fly first or business class of course. My seat number is reserved. 1A.

Be frightened. Very frightened

A pre Christmas shopping trip in Sydney appeals.

I don't feel proud or ashamed of it, it's just .. there I guess? It rarely impacts my life at all anymore. I figure if people that knew me before don't seem to care why should I? The way I see it is, if I can't be a cis woman, I am happy to be a trans woman.

I just find being a  trans person has such a curious ring to it.

Quote from: Abysha on November 14, 2015, 10:28:10 PM
I think that most of us who didn't have the privilege of transitioning during childhood grew up with an enforced internalized transphobia, even if we didn't realize it...

Yes, this!
I felt a strange attraction to trans girls when I was younger, not realizing it was really me that needed to change

xox, Candi
P.S. I wish there was a like button, so many great posts here
I must be using facebook too much

Thanks everyone.  I do appreciate hearing all your thoughts.

To be honest, i have been feeling extra embarrassed/ashamed the past week cause I overheard people talking about my situation and got the sense that stuff I posted on here was read by some people in my real life.  To be honest, I'm mortified and embarrassed about that possibility. While the people I think found account are good hearted and accepting people, I still want to crawl into a ball and just die over it.   It just makes me feel really ashamed cause im still living as male in my day to day life and honestly may as well be in the closet still considering how much I try to hide of myself.  But i guess it could be a good thing.  I'm going to have to face those feeings if I'm ever going to get past my fears.  And my therapist has really been pushing me to begin the social transition though I don't feel ready cause Im very insecure with my appearance still. I doubt ill ever fully pass and probably wil always be ugly/manly, but I'm very sensitive about looking ridiculous and getting laughed at - hopefully the new injection dose ive been put on will do something.
Anyway, I can only keep pushing everything off to the side for so long and have to start addressing my fears.  Otherwise ill never be happy and never really have the life I  want.  I can't waste another year of my life being uncomfortable and miserable.  I just hate always being weird or different.  And while I respect those who have inner pride, i I imagine ill always feel some embarrassment over being myself.  I wish I didn't rhough cause its emotionally exhausting.

By the way, here is a story from today that kind of highlights how i feel.  When I picked up my hormones today, the pharm tech went away from the window and talked to someone  inside for a minute and I heard them both laugh very loudly and then he came back and handed me my hormones.  This is the sort of stuff that makes me feel shame and embarrassment.  Now I don't even know if it had anything to do with me and even if it did you can understand why a man buying estrogen injections is somewhat humerous.  Whether or not it was directed towards me, I just finf it hard to walk away from stuff like that without feeling really ashamed.

Ps.  Forgive all the horrible grammar in the above post.  This is what happens when I post on my phone quickly and don't read it back.  You get an incoherent long winded rant, though that's kind of all my posts, lol.

It's a curse and would not wish it even to my worst enemy. Even if I pass, blend in, get all the surgeries in the world with 10 men waiting to marry me - I will always feel a sense of lack deep within my core.

This is my honest opinion thanks.

I never like myself as a transguy, even with transition. I will never know what's it like to "sleep" with a woman and I could never get a child of my own. Yeah, and the transition process is painful too.

But apart from that, I love every other aspects of myself and my life. I like myself as a good person and I'm happy with my hobbies, my work, my family ...

After months and months, I find myself posting twice in one day. I haven't talked to you in a while and having gone through 2 name changes to land on one that stuck and really fits, (Michelle) I wasn't sure you would recognize me.

Ms Grace is right. Again. (I am firmly convinced that there is a mountaintop somewhere waiting for her to take up her position as resident Guru.) Shame is a social construct. Necessary or not, helpful or not, it can be brutal. I felt it all my life, I just didn't know what being trans was. I think that the relief of putting a name to it just killed  that shame as I haven't felt it since. I was so tired of being ashamed and hating myself. My brothers never felt shame at being a boy, my sister never felt shame at being a girl. Why should they? Why should we for being born the way we are?

What do I feel about being trans? I can not separate it from myself, so it just is. I am just happy that I was born in a time that I could do something about it, I don't have to live in a body that I can't stand. I don't know how it will turn out, but it's better than the alternative. 100 years ago, 200 years ago or God forbid 1,000 years ago forget about it. Might as well just dig a hole, smack me in the back of the head with the shovel and plant me in the hole. Maybe I would come up the next spring as a girl.

I am not brave or bold, I just do what I have to do to fit into the image of myself that has been in my head for as long as I can remember. I don't want to stand out, I want to blend in, become a part of everyone else for the first time. This is the only way I know how to do it.

At the same time, I can't live for everyone else either. This is it, the big show. No one really KNOWS what comes after. I want to live my life as a PART of everyone else, not an EXTENSION. An extension of so many's biased and limited views? I think not! They won't be lying on my deathbed with my regrets or triumphs, I will be damned if I let them live my life.

Michelle

Quote from: April_TO on November 15, 2015, 06:24:18 PM
It's a curse and would not wish it even to my worst enemy. Even if I pass, blend in, get all the surgeries in the world with 10 men waiting to marry me - I will always feel a sense of lack deep within my core.

This is my honest opinion thanks.

Amen sister.

I can't get pregnant, I always have self doubt, my kids call me daddy and people on all sides tell me I'm not real.

What's there to like?

For most of my life I thought I was a transvestite, but there were also certain feelings about being in the wrong body or wanting a female body that drifted in and out of my consciousness.

Now that I have accepted who I really am, I feel special and I consider being Trans a gift from the creator.

I feel that we are the vanguard of an emerging social, not sexual, evolution that will eventually lead to a kinder, gentler, understanding of what it means to be human. 

I will take time and it will be a struggle and I wont see it come to fruition in my lifetime, but that's OK.

Quote from: Mikaela on November 15, 2015, 08:33:09 PM
After months and months, I find myself posting twice in one day. I haven't talked to you in a while and having gone through 2 name changes to land on one that stuck and really fits, (Michelle) I wasn't sure you would recognize me.

Ms Grace is right. Again. (I am firmly convinced that there is a mountaintop somewhere waiting for her to take up her position as resident Guru.) Shame is a social construct. Necessary or not, helpful or not, it can be brutal. I felt it all my life, I just didn't know what being trans was. I think that the relief of putting a name to it just killed  that shame as I haven't felt it since. I was so tired of being ashamed and hating myself. My brothers never felt shame at being a boy, my sister never felt shame at being a girl. Why should they? Why should we for being born the way we are?

What do I feel about being trans? I can not separate it from myself, so it just is. I am just happy that I was born in a time that I could do something about it, I don't have to live in a body that I can't stand. I don't know how it will turn out, but it's better than the alternative. 100 years ago, 200 years ago or God forbid 1,000 years ago forget about it. Might as well just dig a hole, smack me in the back of the head with the shovel and plant me in the hole. Maybe I would come up the next spring as a girl.

I am not brave or bold, I just do what I have to do to fit into the image of myself that has been in my head for as long as I can remember. I don't want to stand out, I want to blend in, become a part of everyone else for the first time. This is the only way I know how to do it.

At the same time, I can't live for everyone else either. This is it, the big show. No one really KNOWS what comes after. I want to live my life as a PART of everyone else, not an EXTENSION. An extension of so many's biased and limited views? I think not! They won't be lying on my deathbed with my regrets or triumphs, I will be damned if I let them live my life.

Michelle

I agree with your post about Ms. Grace.  She has been a very helpful member of the staff since I've been on here.  And yes, I do remember you.  The avatar charactef and the character in your writing is familiar.

See, I agree with you about wanting to blend in.  Standing out isn't something I seek either.  I guess having always been the weird different person, I just want to fit in and be normal.  However, as a transgender person that's not really going to happen.  We are different.  If we can't accept living as men and that's too depressing and uncomfortable for us, then we are going to be living as women that do stand out, unless you're lucky and can easily pass or blend.  I just hate being seen as the weird different person.  And I'm ashamed for it cause I want to be normal, but thst kind of goes out the window when you have a sex change.  It's very conflicting for me cause I don't know what to do and how to process this all.  Sometimes I wish I could run back in the closet and no one would ever know, but the reality is this isn't something I can run and hide from forever.  The only thing I take solace in is that for the most part I have been shown kindness and acceptance from most people, with the exception of myself.  I just fear what will happen once I actually do begin the social transition.  Let's be hobest, a man walking out of the house in women's clothing and makeup is quite different.  What will everyone say?  And what if you really dont blend well.  How can you avoid feeling embarrassed and ashamed? But if you are hiding everyday and living a miserable life for it, isnt dealing with the shame worth it?  It's very conflicting and im always focusing on both "what will the neighbors think" and my hopes and dreams for a hsppy life.  Right now, I'm very depressed and scared.   I just hope ill get past this snd can do that without looking like a laughing stock.  But right now its hard to not feel ashamed of myself.

Anyway, I'm guessing the reason most of us feel differently on this subject is that we are all in different places in our transition.  Hopefully its one of those things that eventually fades.