Hi all,

I've just signed up after a long period of browsing the site as a guest, frightened to commit myself to joining on the basis I'd considered my gender issues to be down to a mental illness and have been both embarrassed and disgusted with myself for not conforming to societies rules.  Sorry, but long bio coming up as I'm just glad to finally be able to communicate with many like-minded people rather than just uncomfortable conversations with my partner.

In my 40's, I've been hiding a secret for many years, although I did open up to my partner of 24 years about 14 years ago.  She's not too enamoured by the idea but doesn't stop me and I can release my true desires when I get the chance.  I first cross-dressed when I was about 6 and really hit a high during my teens, deep down feeling I'd like to be a woman.  As I believed it was wrong and sick I kept it hidden and then started to get into heterosexual relationships.  At this point I was able to really control the urge and keep it locked away thinking I was now normal, with the odd flurry with knickers and tights.  However, when I turned 30 and my partner fell pregnant with our first of 2 girls, something happened inside (almost a maternal instinct if that's possible!) and I couldn't hold back the urge.  I started, for the first time, to buy clothes and during my 30's tried hard to fight the desire and disposed of the clothes I'd bought a couple of times.  This feeling wasn't going to go away and I've steadily increased my feelings that I really want to be a woman and this was escalated last year when I lost my job and I had time to spend all day in the feminine products I was buying.  Since then, I've been building an extensive wardrobe and live on Ebay, browsing/buying women's clothing/make-up/shoes.  I've learnt a lot about this subject over the past 12 months and now feel comfortable, but still embarrassed if my secret escaped, about my feelings.

I'm now bored with the idea of looking at and buying men's clothes because I don't really want to, and only do so when I need to.  I'm attracted to women and have no attraction to men at all and hope to remain this way.  At the point I'm dressed, I'm a different persona completely.  When I look at attractive women I think to myself how pretty they are and also how I like their clothing and would love to be able to wear it!  Women have such a wonderful selection of clothes/shoes and I dream of being able to openly browse/buy/wear it all as a woman.  I'm thinking about taking the plunge and walking the HRT path, and have already started laser to remove my beard as well as hair treatment to repair a slight balding on the temples.  I shave legs/chest regularly (not under-arm), epilating the back (ouch!) and am working hard to shed weight to reach my target weight where I'd feel comfortable to begin transition.  I'd like to tell my girls (11 & 14) but am really frightened to tell my parents who are probably not totally tolerant to LBGT matters!

Well, there we are, I think it's all out!  Hmm, probably not but that's for another time.  Thank you for reading this far and I hope I can integrate into what appears to be a thriving community here.

Regards
Jenni

Hi Jenny. I'm glad you decided to try coming to the forum. You aren't mentally ill. There are now a number of theories including genetic anomalies for ->-bleeped-<-. Try googling medical papers on Transgenders. It might make you feel better.

Coming to the point of admitting to yourself that you feel like you are in the wrong body can be a tough step. You've made it though, so I think it will be easier for you from here out. There are plenty of people here just like you, and you will get lots of support and information. Welcome!

sam1234

Hi Sam,

Thank you   

Definitely some very interesting information here and it's great to be able to openly discuss things without worrying about it.  I'm confident I'll have a good time here, whatever my personal outcome.

Jenni

Hi Jenni 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

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Hugs

V M

Jenni. Welcome to Susan's.

I wish you good luck with telling your family.

In no way is there anything wrong with you. I spent 8 years in therapy and the only issue I had was I wanted to be a girl. My surgery was in 1982 and the combination of the transition and surgery has eliminated the discomfort from my life. I have never regretted my decision and truly enjoy every day of life. Feel free to ask any questions you may have and let me know if I can help you.

Big warm welcome to Susan's Jenni

Thanks for joining, and fully agree with the buying mens clothes bit... yuk, yuk, yuk!

Its good that you have already told your loved one, and yes it will be hard for her to understand... its a massive change to her norm! I have hidden my secret to loved ones etc, for over forty odd years, now I can't do that anymore... so once it bites the emotions and drive just increases over time... no idea really how I survived the anguish.

Epilating... yes as painful as hell fire, but as HRT takes hold it gets easier, oh and so does your pain threshold

Glad you joined us and look forward to seeing you around the forum's

L Katy 

Thank you all for being so welcoming 

Jenni

Sadly things have taken a turn for the worse for my situation :-(  My other half has secretly confided in her mother and told her everything without letting me know and without talking to me about her feelings regarding my gender issues.  I've not even spoken to my parents yet and they meet my other half's mother often.  I can appreciate her struggling to come to terms with what I've told her but I've explained there are people that can help us in confidence.

The end result is my other half moving in to the spare room until she can afford to move out, which is when I found out she'd told her mother and a week or more after that event took place.  I'm a bit upset she didn't even let me know about that before telling me she was moving in to the spare room.  Already feeling embarrassed about my long time secret, I now cannot face her mother which makes for a tricky time ahead.

We then have the matter of how this affects our two daughters.  This is going horribly wrong and I am deeply concerned for my daughters  I think I'm about to hit that period of depression that seems to be common!  I think the damage is done and I don't feel I can suppress my ideas of becoming a woman enough to keep the family together.

As much as we would like things to go smoothly they often don't. The family was bound to find out sooner or later and unfortunately you are facing it much sooner. I know you are embarrassed because we all were but the part of getting better is to become comfortable with yourself and your life. Dealing with the family will help you get over the embarrassment and allow you to move forward.

As for your daughters, they are still young enough that they may be easer to deal with than you think. You may find they are very interested it you because it's in the news so much and they may have even talked about it with their friends. An addition advantage is that they are girls. Boys might have more trouble adjusting to this.

Hi Jenny,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

Isn't it nice to know you are now quite normal. You always have been, so theses no need to take others shame on board. They are the ones with the problem. I myself wouldn't be too concerned with your mother in law. I'm sure she as enough problems of her own to look after, she hasn't got time for yours. Anyhow they're her problems not yours.

Before the depression bug bites too hard, get yourself off to a gender therapist. They should be able to support and guide you through this labyrinth and help you discard others indiscretions and judgements. They don't suit you.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Speak to you as soon as I wash the cat.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Dear Jenni;

I guess by now you know your story isn't that unusual. In fact, change a few things here and there and it could have been written about me.

For years I tried to keep my inner self locked away and I often thought I wasn't in my right mind but eventually, my other side won out and I am now a lot happier than before.

My heart goes out to you. One of the rules, if not the best rule for an ally is not to "out" the other person. I can understand your wife telling her mother but I don't think it was right. You should have been given a say in this as it's your life too.

It might be a hard thing to do, but I feel letting your folks know first before your wife's family spill the beans is a good thing. This way you get to tell them the truth and what you want to say not what someone else wants to say or think. When I came out, I prepared an information package about what it means to be trans. It had facts and good information that could be of help. Now, my family may have tossed it in the trash and not even read a word, but at least I tried to provide information. That might be of help?

There is a section on the site here for family members to talk. I've not been there but maybe it might do your wife some good to look it over? She has to understand she is not the first woman to have had this happen to her. In the mean time, let people know it is not right to "out" people until they are ready, if ever, to come out. No one says you have to do that at all. It's a personal choice you get to make.

As for facing her mother, I know you'll feel embarrassed and ashamed. You'll do fine in the long run. I found telling the first person I was trans was the hardest of all. The others seemed a lot easier and believe me Jessi, it does get easier as time passes.

I wish you luck for the future and best wishes.

Love,
Clare

Don't be afraid, you are you, you are not what people want you to be. Take a stand for yourself

Thanks for the kind, supportive responses.  I was wondering if I'd done the right thing and that contemplating transitioning was the right path for me when I posted the other day!  Then when I got home from work last night, having been discretely feminine under work clothes, I donned a pair of black skinny jeans and heels (taller than I expected when they arrived after an Ebay purchase!).  My other half even made a few jokey comments about watching my heels on the laminate flooring (a complete role reversal , lol), so despite the 'separation' things are gutter level just yet!

Today, feeling comfortable again with femininity discretely under my man-clothes    How can I possibly believe this isn't for me!

Dear Jenny;

I am glad to see that at least you get to be yourself for a while.

In regard to Ebay, it must cost a lot to have things sent to you. Some people charge the Earth for shipping charges. I always charged the exact rate the post office charged me but I'm getting off course here.

You can save a lot of money by buying your own things and don't be afraid, the shops don't care who buys their merchandise or why. If you look online, you can find male/female size charts. Find your sizes and mark it on a piece of paper and then pretend to be looking for a gift for someone. I did that and eventually found a nice sales lady who was of great help to me and best of all, very discreet! As a general guideline, buy women's shoes that are 2 sizes larger than your men's shoes. If you're a 9 then it's a ladies 11 you need.

With that said, there are all manner of traps though. A size 12 dress from one manufacturer is not the same 12 dress from another so you really need to try things on and I can totally understand your reluctance to do so. If it's a skirt, measure your waist then take a sewing tape measure with you and measure the skirt's waist. If it's 18 inches then multiply it by 2 to get 36 and if your waist is 36, then it should fit.  Shoes are also in the same category. I have 10 and 11 shoes so again, fit can be a problem.

Second hand thrift shops are a good place to start too. Prices are low compared to new and sometimes clothes with manufacturer's tags are found on the rack you can generally try them on too without too much, if any difficulty.

Anyway, Jenny, only you can choose what is right for you to do and how you want to do things. I am not trying to force you.

Take care and hope things will improve.

Love,
Clare

Hi Jenni,

As said earlier - you are not alone.

I am in a similar place - except I don't know if my wife has shared my secret with her mum or not - some questions you are too afraid to ask.

I too am struggling with the shame and guilt, but as time progresses I am starting to feel more at ease with it. It's a long road and I am at the start of the journey.

Take care

Hi Clare,

Firstly, thanks for the advice.  I've been quite fortunate with my Ebay purchases and have slowly been downsizing my clothes as I lose my waistline, which is pleasing    I've had one or two bad buys but generally I buy new items (with tags) for a lot less than shop price.  I know there is a chance the item has been 're-tagged' but if I'm paying 25-50% I can live with it.  I do buy from high-street stores too (online!) as I'm not confident enough yet to buy in-store, despite having purchased clothing and underwear for my other half many, many times over the years.  I'll work on my confidence though.

Thanks again, Jenni 

Hi Cassie,

I asked my other half what she actually said to her mother, it was pretty much "he's started wearing ladies clothes and is thinking of having a sex change!"!  Well, these two are so far apart but the two statements themselves don't paint a pretty picture and there is so much in between.  But what's done is done!  She is also aware about my cross-dressing, long before I announced my gender identity issues this year so all in all, not a helpful unauthorized 'coming out'!

Good luck on your journey 

Jenni

I do not consider my BD a mental illness. I consider it a birth defect.

Hey Jenni!  There is nothing wrong with you, trust me. Everyone is the world is dealing with something, it may not be to a body dysphoria extent, but they have their own battles.

I know it's tough, but just be tough, this is a great site to ask any questions that you have; some super nice people here! Good luck!

After my other half told her mum, who regularly meets with my mum & dad, I felt I needed to talk to my mum asap and had been desperately trying to figure out how to do it!  I went for it over the weekend and there was lots of tears from both of us.  It hasn't really gone well and my dad (who I just couldn't tell directly at the time) has phoned me because my mum cannot talk to me anymore.  They are upset that the man I was is disappearing and neither want to or will accept what I am becoming, are not happy with the destruction it will cause to my family (two daughters) and are in admiration with my other half.  This is all getting too much for me and I am now in a position where I have my 15 year old daughter and nobody else.......it's all creating a 'what have I done, is this what I want moment', to break up my entire family over a personal issue.

I've not spoken to anybody yet, but am in two minds about abandoning the whole idea and dealing with the consequences, to avoid losing everything    The damage I'm causing is turning me off the idea and making me feel dirty again and resentful of my life long secret and desire.