Hi there everyone. I was thinking of introducing myself, but at the same time I wanted to ask a couple questions, and I felt maybe introductions section wasn't the appropriate place. So here am I.

I'll tell a "little" of myself so that I can ask what I want to know afterwards. Edit: it's actually nowhere near "little", so bear with me. If you're gonna read it, make a little bit of time. Sorry, but every part is important. Thanks in advance!

So basically right now I'm 22, and I'm a guy. Well, at least I have the body of a guy, I don't know exactly what I am. I am sexually attracted to girls, but I found in the last few years that I'm quite "flexible". I found this website last night. Going through desperation and anxiousness, I googled what I was feeling, what was going through my mind, even knowing that maybe I wasn't gonna find something as specific as my case. It spitted one of the threads in this forums, created in the year 2009, and I posted there already. You can check my only post there if you want.

Basically I was born a boy. I liked to play with little toy cars as a kid, I liked watching cartoons, as most kids, and everything was pretty "normal". Many memories from back then are pretty blurry because I just got to remember many of those things in the last few years. I found that there are many inconsistencies now (regarding my past), things that were not supposed to be like that if I was supposed to be just a "guy". The fact that many of these memories are blurry is because I was very young. I believe I was not yet 8, when I was young, and one of the ladies that used to look after me when my mom and dad went out, made me sleep in a bed next to hers so she could be sure I was ok while sleeping. I was afraid of typical kids stuff when sleeping, so I slipped into her bed, and she hugged me telling me everything was okay. When that happened, I completely forgot about whatever ghost was inside the closet, and I looked at her breasts. It sounds pretty funny now, but a strange thought crossed my mind,... this "why does she have breasts and I don't?", Even if I was a girl at that age I wouldn't really have breats, but I was just a kid, and that crossed my mind. Anyways, I, without thinking (as most kids act), asked her, "why can't I have breasts like yours?". I remember very little of what happened after that, but she looked at me with a very surprised face.

Then we jump to the time when I was about 11 or 12. I have very bad memory, really, some things may have happened inbetween this age and the previous events. My parents used to go out on weekends and come back home late on weekends. I live in an apartment building, so they felt I'd be safe alone just for a few hours. I had had the feeling of wanting to dress like a girl eversince I had a memory. I really wanted it, while I was at school I'd look at how the girls were dressed, and not only did I feel sexual thrill, but I also liked the way they dressed, I mean, their skirts, tops, bras, and stuff. I really needed to dress like a girl. So I went to my moms room and, shaking nervously, I put on some of her clothes. Skirts, tops. At first I didn't put on underwear cause I was afraid she'd come back all of a sudden and I wouldn't be able to react with all those clothes on. I was very afraid of what I was doing, but after a few weekends, I stepped a bit further, and started to dress more and more like a girl. It felt really good. I did get a sexual thrill out of it, it is note worthy that I had not masturbated even once in my life till then, not that I can remember. I believe I might have had an orgasm for the first time wearing girl clothes, but I can clearly say that the interest for wearing girl clothes didn't come out of sexual arousal. That came after I wore them for the first time.

Years passed, and I thought that I could live doing that, I was just a kid, turning into a teen, and I didn't really think it through... that I was not exactly "normal". I don't mean to offend anyone, what I mean, is that friends I had at the moment weren't doing the same thing probably. And eventhough I went on doing this, I kept on asking myself what I was doing, but I kind of kept ignoring the question too, because I liked it too much. Throughout those years, I proposed myself this little game, this challenge, if you will. I liked to wear girl clothes just because it felt good at first, and the arousal came afterwards most of the times. So this time (and from now on) I just wanted to do normal things, I wanted to do normal house work. I was older, like 17, or 18. My mom started travelling with my uncle to Europe regularly for periods as long as a month to visit family there, and I didn't like traveling, so I didn't go with them. They trusted I'd be responsible and I knew how to take care of myself. So what do you think I did most of the time? Yeah, dressed as a girl. I cooked, I watched TV, I even took a bath, changed clothes with new ones. Listened to music, played videogames online, and some other things. I almost lived like a girl most of the time, except when some friend came over. I'm not a person of many friends, but I do have a few. They would never suspect a thing about this, outside my house, I'd look like any guy you see walking down the street. But it all comes down to the last year, and these last few months more precisely. I did this for the last time about 3 months ago, thinking it was a fetish, at least that's what I liked to think the last few years (I tried to find an excuse everytime I did it, because I have to have an explanation for things in my head, and while I was growing up, this didn't stop, and that's what I told myself most of the time). But this time, when it all "ended" and my mom was back from the trip, and now that my family was almost always home and I got no free time to do anything, I felt desperate. Not sexually. I realized that I have had this feeling always, eversince I started doing this, but it grew throughout the years. A lot. When I was a kid I had the mind of a kid, so I didn't worry about it much, I thought that some day I'd magically be a girl if I wanted to, then I was a teen and thought that I was just a weird boy and that I'd solve this someway when I was older, and that I didn't have to rush and enjoy the times I could dress up how I wanted. Now I realize things are not like that. Like I said, the feeling grew, and now I'm afraid. Now I feel worried. Now I'm afraid I might not live the life I want if I don't do something about it. I know it's never too late, but I'm 22, and this feel like a move I should be ready to do now. This is important, it's about me being happy for the rest of my life, for being who I really feel inside... I mean, am I just a funny weird kinda femenine guy? Because I'm getting strange feelings, and when I think about all this, my heart beats faster because I feel very worried about it. I'm afraid that if I go to the a therapist he/she will tell me that I can't be what I want to be, that I don't have what I think I have.

I feel like I kinda just want it all now, suddenly. If I have to do it, I'll do it. But am I sure what this is, if this is really happeing to me or not? I have to admit though, it makes me scared that this could be true, too, this is a life changing event for me after all. I can't take it lightly. If I was asked right now what I'd wanna be if I was born again, I'd say a girl, but things are not magic in life. I look at myself in the mirror now, and sometimes I just get mad, because I don't like what I see. I get really confused, cause I don't know if I'm not okay with how I look because I'm not fit or a bit overweight, or because I just don't like this man body I have. I feel frustrated, I feel sad, I cried, because I want to know what the hell is going on with me, in the last few years I found out I like many girly things. I love k-pop, and I lately found myself trying to learn lyrics and trying to dance some girl-groups choreography, and I had so much fun doing it. But I felt sad when I realized I can't share that with anyone because "I'm a man", and I'm not supposed to do that, and that I just kinda look stupid and awkward doing it. I feel sad I can't share how I act when I'm alone, and how I feel most times now.

I start looking back now, and I see there's so many things I overlooked for being an ignorant kid. I've always been a sensitive person. I cry for many things you wouldn't believe. One night, while I was about 18, I found myself crying angrily because I couldn't be a girl, cause I thought it was so unfair that this was "chosen" for me. But I thought I was just exaggerating over a strong fetish I had. I know, it sounds stupid, who would think that? Something was going on with me clearly, but apparently at the "young age of 18", I was not able to see it.

And it all comes to these days. In which I've been so desperate to find a solution to this, that I called a therapist one morning, after not being able to sleep during the night, because I was worried with this thought that invades my mind. I arranged an appointment that's in about 2 weeks. My mom knows, but she doesn't know exactly why I need it. I currently don't work or study because of other issues, that might be related to this in the end. I mean, my personality and my likes rarely match others'. Almost every time I go out now I feel uncomfortable, when I go to the supermarket for example, because I feel this is not how I'm supposed to look, to talk, to walk, I feel ugly and just awkward sometimes, I don't like how I am, I don't like my voice, and how it sounds when I speak and say things to other people, I feel forced to talk manly to fit in some situations talking with friends and stuff. Sometimes I don't feel bad about being dressed as a guy, but it's mostly because I'm distracted with something else, but then there's those moments when those thoughts invade my mind, those moments in which I'd just like to be a girl walking down the street when I'm walking somewhere, or sometimes when I listening to music in the PC, and I feel really comfortable and good, but this thought of "one thing's missing here for it to be perfect, you're not okay." I wouldn't exactly be the most common girl out there, or the most feminine one maybe, my personality would even be quite unique for a girl too, but that's another thing.

Like I said, I have just a handful of friends, I've isolated myself from them in the last few months because I'm tired of their activities, I don't want to do what they do anymore. I don't want to play soccer (eventhough I like it), I don't want to just get together and drink and do man things anymore, I'm tired of talking about <Not Permitted> girls. I must admit I'm a virgin, but I feel pretty confident that that doesn't blind my judgement. It's plain boring, most of the things they do. I have a very childish attitude and humor, I don't really fit with them. I met new friends through gaming online and I chat daily with them through skype now, and they understand me. I even confessed these feelings to one of them, and he understood and accepted me. He said that he'll be my friend no matter what, that he liked my for my personality, so he'll support me no matter what. That's a light in the dark these days, otherwise, I'd be a lot more desperate. We even met a few times because he lives kinda close.

I just want to play videogames and watch k-pop videos with friends, laugh together about cute things, I like having an opinion on everything, I'm quite open regarding music, and many topics, eventhough I don't consider myself an expert in anything. And in the end, I just want to be happy that way. Not only is it hard to find people with the same personality, but it's also hard to deal with these doubts, these thoughts that I have now. I feel like things are now more complicated that they ever were. I really needed to say  all of this somewhere. The previous post in the other thread wasn't enough. Somebody out there has to know what I'm feeling. Not only because this is happening to me now, but because my personality alone was already being a problem in the social aspect. I feel alone. One friend is not enough, this one person I trusted my secret with, he is a great person, but I can't depend on him alone. So that's what I told you my story.

So now the question. You don't necessarily have to answer them, any response to my post will be appreciated. I just want to know your opinion, I want to know what you think of me by what I said. I am not asking you to diagnose me, or to give me a professional answer. I just want an opinion, which I guess is okay. What do you think of me? I won't ask you what you think I am, that's too much even for this long ass text. But, given what I said, is there any chance I might be right about this? Could this be more than just a bunch of coincidences in some points of my life? I am afraid times goes on and I do nothing about this. I am also afraid of going to the therapist, because I'm afraid he/she might tell me that all this was in vain, that I really have nothing to worry about. It's gotta mean something. My mind is fixed on this now, on the thought that maybe I'm not really a "guy", and that is where all this nervousness and discomfort has been coming from through all these years. What do you think is going on with me now? Am I doing the right thing? Is there anything I should do that you could recommend me to find answers, besides visiting a therapist?

Thanks in advance, really. And I'm glad I found this place. Sorry for writing a bible, guys!

Mod Edit Language

What do I think of you?  First the disclaimer:  I am not a shrink, and this is not a professional opinion.

With that out of the way, the fact that you got sad when you no longer had the opportunity to dress like a girl, is one of the big "tells" for someone being transgender.

So that, taken together with a lot of other things, makes me think you are MTF transgender.  If you read enough around this forum, you will find that your life experience pretty closely fits the "typical" narrative, if there is such a thing.

But no matter what you are, you are among friends here.

It does sound like you are a trans woman. Of course that some of us feel sexy when putting on pretty clothes. Who wouldnt? But if you picture yourself doing ordinary things like washing the dishes or taking your dog for a walk at the park in full female mode then you probably are.

Im not a therapist and i would advise you to get diagnosed by a professional, but for me, my wife is a therapist and she asked me: if everyone you know would be ok with you coming out, if you could keep me and your job, would you want to be a woman? I remembering smiling big and being like: of course

I knew this is who i wanted to be. I feel happy and free for the first time in my life. And dont worry about your age. Dont worry at all.


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I could've wrote most of that, in fact, prolly did somewhere...

I had a similar experience as you. I always thought I was a boy. I wished from a young age I wasn't but I thought of myself as one. From a young age I was trying to be like my mom. I would steal her stuff, dress in private. After a certain age, I too got the same thrill u did out of it; first time i ever umm, played with myself, was while dressed.

As you said, nobody's gonna tell or you be able to tell you if you are trans or not. I spent quite awhile looking for that, hoping someone would tell me one way or another until I guess I kinda got over it.

For me, I've always kinda been heading in this direction, one small baby step at a time. I didn't really realize even..I never thought about it, I didn't even there was such a thing. But, that'd be my advice to you. Take things slow, find out what makes you feel good, comfortable, happy, and do it/try it.

Thank you all for your responding. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on November 18, 2015, 01:02:41 AM
What do I think of you?

[...]

But no matter what you are, you are among friends here.

That's a hard question to answer. I mean, I could answer you know, but I get the feeling that it would be an incomplete answer. For that I meeting with a therapist soon. So yeah, thanks a lot for your advice, and I'm glad I found you, and as you said, I'm among friends .

Quote from: LivingTheDream on November 18, 2015, 04:29:26 AM
I could've wrote most of that, in fact, prolly did somewhere...

I had a similar experience as you.

I guess I found the right place to talk about this. I'm glad. Thanks for your response, LivingTheDream. I will wait for professional help like I said in my post then. And I'll start working it out from there. Thanks a lot.

Quote from: clarabrown on November 18, 2015, 04:27:10 AM

Im not a therapist and i would advise you to get diagnosed by a professional, but for me, my wife is a therapist and she asked me: if everyone you know would be ok with you coming out, if you could keep me and your job, would you want to be a woman? I remembering smiling big and being like: of course

I definitely will, Clara. I'm getting professional help. Thanks for answering, by the way. I think that if everything would be okay with me doing this, and I would have no job problems, etc. I would answer the same! Thanks for your advice.

Dear SNgurl;

I won't specifically say you are trans, but from your write up, my own life experiences and from reading other stories on here, I'd say it was in the category of possibly. You'll need time to fully adjust and you are on the right road by speaking with a professional.

As has been mentioned, you are among friends here and won't get ridiculed for anything that you may ask. I was told the only dumb question is the one not asked so don't be afraid to ask questions. It took me some 58 years before I could fully accept myself. Like you I had years of doubt, repressed feelings, thoughts and questions I couldn't fully answer. Seeking professional help was just not in the cards when I was a youngster and how would I have even broached that subject to begin with?

Your feelings inside are not unusual, especially in the early stages, but I am sure you'll sort things through with time and assistance. Just because you feel this way does not mean you'll want to fully transition or even need to at all. Each of us has similarities to other stories yet we each have our own journeys to travel.

There are many people on here who have walked in your shoes and are just like you.

Love,
Clare

Hey! Thanks a lot for your opinion and your advice, Clare. I really needed words like these. I needed to know I'm not alone in this feeling. I feel a bit more patient now. I do get anxious about it sometimes, but it's less frequent now. I'm 2 weeks away from the appointment, I'm trying to be calm and not be desperate about it, and it's been okay so far.

Dear SN:

Whee, a bit of a read but I get it and can relate.  In my opinion you are questioning and possibly questioning the obvious for reasons only you and a therapist can get into.  Also, I suggest without any attribution that you meet up with a support group.  They are a great way to explore and experience a pretty broad slice of the gender spectrum.  And finally, 22 is a great age to be questioning!!!!

Take good care and stay in touch here,

Rachel

Your life is very much like mine in many ways. I am still a virgin, I don't enjoy most male activities, I wanted to be a girl at age 13, I cross dressed, I came out at age 23 and I had many doubts. I am 33 years post surgical and deciding to go through surgery at age 30 was the best decision I made in my life. You are transgender and I would venture to say you might be transsexual but only you can tell us for sure. I have heard this story many times before over the years and it is very common among us. There is nothing wrong with you and entering therapy will be your first move to happiness. Most any issue you have living as a woman can be overcome however the biggest issue will be you. You will need to commit to doing everything you need to in order to make it happen. We will help you with the information you need but you will need to see it through.

If you haven't already seen it, go to youtube and request "the transition channel". This is a series of videos that may help clear up some of the doubt that you have in your mind. The information contained in the videos is right out of my therapy group 35 years ago and are the same questions I ask myself when I was transitioning.

Now I have found this thread, feel free to ask me any questions you might have. I am very open  about my past and my feelings.

Dear SN,
     You are at that place where we all have been. Is this real? Is this me? Am I the only one this way? Truthfully I could have written your post word for word 25 years ago. I did not begin my own transition until early this year. All of you fears and doubts you expressed I lived with for 37 years. You truly are not alone and will always be among friends here. You are definitely taking the correct step by seeing a therapist. Remember, be truthful, be honest, and do not sugarcoat anything. They are there to help you. I am not "qualified" to diagnose you so I will not. That being said I feel that you have made the correct decision to seek help and because of that you will be much happier with the outcome. It is most unfortunate that there is no "magic" pill. But with time and commitment to yourself I know you will receive the outcome you desire. Always be true to yourself and you will reap all of the benefits of your journey. Good luck to you and try to remember that you really are worth the effort it will take to see this through. The most invaluable resource is most definitely a support group and/or a local LGBT center. Take care, Joanie Evelyn.