I want to quit this transsexual stuff. I might go back to being a girl only because this is no better. Sometimes even worse. Guess I wasn't cut out for this after all even though I felt male since forever. But as long as I have a vagina and breasts, people only see a 'girl' and a 'girl' is all I ever will be even if its not what I want, among other identities that were forced upon me since birth.

I don't even know what to do anymore. I wish I had the money to order an XL box of Pizza Hut and some Bud Light just to throw myself a lil' pity party and drown in my sorrow. Nobody gives a crap anyway, right?

We care.

Transition is awkward at best. What others see and think is not what I dwell on. Being able to be myself in a safe environment is key for myself.

Transition is a marathon not a sprint.

Whatever you decide to do we support you. 

I wish I could transition into an animal, like a wolf, and run off into the forest. I hate living and I hate dying. I am afraid to live and afraid to die. I hate people. I am afraid of people. I hate the world. I am afraid of the world. I hate myself. I am afraid of myself. I want to fly away to another dimension somewhere. I can't take it anymore....

Sounds to me like your pops is the worst influence in your life.  Seems to me that if you can tune him out or move out of the house, your life will turn around.

This stuff is super hard.  I think it's pretty normal to want to quit.  Hell, I've tried to quit two or three times.  It works for a day or three, but then the dysphoria comes screaming back.  I mean, look at Caitlyn Jenner -- she tried to transition a bunch of times, and she's finally in a place that she can do it... and she's (increasingly literally) made of money.  Lots of people here have tried to transition several times in life, and put it off or gone into denial for various reasons.

And of course, we don't hear much from people who think they're transgender, start to transition and then detransition and go on to live a happy life.  I'm sure they exist... but they just don't have much need for a transgender support forum.

Hey. I've been in the same situation pre T. I never thought it was possible for me to make it through therapy and get on hormones, but turns out I'm stronger than I thought I was. Which seems to be the case for all trans people. You can make it and you look too handsome to go back to being a girl (I saw your blog). Pm me if you want.

I agree with Cynthia, its a slow and self accepting process, I wanted to come out and start to be me so many times, then backed off, suddenly (maybe its my age now) the lights all came on and I said to myself what the heck, I am coming out and doing electro and will do the rest because I want to, not because others need me too, not sure if that helps. It will be hard yards, but it is worth it IMHO xx

Whatever you choose to do you are always welcome here and we all still support you, you have your choices and life to lead.

Love Katy xxxx

I have read most of your posts Phoenix, and I agree that there are a lot of influences in your life at the moment. Some not as good as others. It is a large struggle, and understandable to feel that it may not work out.
I can assure you that if the only reason you feel that you wont be able to transition because of these outside influences, it is just a passing come through here. You will be able to transition through all the turmoil and be who you were meant to be. Maybe now is just not the time for transition, maybe you need to press on just for a little while, until these influences pass, then the crossroads will open again, and that will be the time to transition.

Like a phoenix, you will be reborn, and eventually be happy!!!

Kate <3

don't give up bro! you give up and you only prove them right and you know they aren't. You know that you are a man and like all guys it takes time to become a man. Just consider this like your awkward teen years or something! I haven't transitioned yet but you give hope knowing that yeah everyday is a struggle but it's all worth it knowing one day you will be who you truly are. So don't give up! we are men we are strong!

Whatever you need to do. It took me a life time to get here

Dont give up on being you. Im a girl becoming myself more and more. It's one day at a time and ya I felt like awhile back that Id just give up but it was hurting me to not be me. In the last months, Ive transitioned in steps at what I feel right. There is no right or wrong for becoming you, it's whatever pace works for you. Ive noticed as Ive been transitioning, Ive become even happier to.

Hey man,

I've only been on here a short time, and already reading your posts have often been the highlight of my day. Even when you're having a tough time, you're still supportive and ready to stand up to anyone for any of us. Wish I had that kind of energy. I really admire you. But I know that everyone hits low points, and you're certainly entitled to yours. Don't give up. Other people may see a girl, but they are simply *not* in possession of the facts. Have a pizza and some beer anyhow, sometimes a little pity party can be a good thing.

Thomas

The way I see it, even if the hope at the end of transitioning is a long way off, it's still there, which it isn't if I stand still or go back to being a girl. I know it's harder to be positive on your own behalf than for others but, even if we don't progress at all each day, maybe saying 'I'll stick with it' for another day is enough of a win. Don't give up, everyone will miss your posts!

If I were in your shoes I don't think it would be possible to throw any towel in. It doesn't feel to me like there is any kind of choice to be made whether to be a woman or a man - instead the choice is whether to live my life feeling unexpressed, or live it expressed and the way I want it. Now that a very real choice anyone could make - but I could never go back to being something I never was in the first place, if you see what I mean.

I had a ton of WTF am I Doing meltdowns early on. Still do occassionally. What keeps me going is thinking about how much better of a person I am today, the joy I am able to feel compared to the past, the hope OF a future vs simply existing.

Being trans is difficult no matter what. Even allowing yourself to entertain the thought of transitioning is scary as heck. Trying it is like climbing Mt Everest.

I think most here will agree, NOT doing anything is far worse

bro I really hope you do not give up you have support here!

Dear King:

You get a lot support here.  It's not family or physically close friends in the traditional sense but it is still very cool and invaluable.  Of course, you know this.  So as someone in that community I'm going to talk to you in pretty unvarnished terms . . . "bad to the the bone," as the song says.

You can throw the towel in and really everyone here will get it, but you do know that everyone here represents <0.10% of the population.  The rest of the world cares about their sh_t, not ours.  Small we may be in size, but we are mighty in spirit and love and we care, really care King. 

So please hear this: Know that throwing in the towel won't do anything to create a life for you that you want and truly love.  All the reasons you are where you are on this journey will still be there, only you won't in a place where you can do anything about them except have them gnaw on you, eventually eating your soul away.  Many of us older dudes and dudettes have had such lives with deep emotional scaring (even attempted suicide) and many regrets to show for it.

I'm not suggesting anything wild here for you to do; in fact, quite the opposite.  If you need to slow down or take a break - man, that's cool and do so!  That ain't throwin in the towel; that's managing near-term expectations and your well-being in the moment.  Throwing in the towel is walking away expecting to never look back.  The truth is with GID is there isn't a viable strategy to do that if your dysphoria is very acute, and in this case Your Mileage Won't Vary!

Take a rest if you need it.  Slow down if that'll help.  However, take it from someone who lived nearly six decades in self-enforced denial . . . it really sucked everything out of me leaving only a shell while permitting at best maybe two or possible three decades to be Rachel.  I'm truly blessed that I crossed over when I did, and I'd do so again in heartbeat if need be.  Looking back, what a lousy trade-off.  There's nothing to do for it and I've moved on.

All our journeys are uniquely peculiar and challenging as well as life giving and fulfilling.  I support you for who you have become and ultimately will be.  Please use the towel to dry the sweat and tears away and take just one more step and then the next day another.  For in fellowship with your community (that includes Susan's and so many others) you/we can have lives unimaginable and hopefulness with blessings untold . . . Surely you know we need you as much as you need peace and a beautiful life.

Yours in Fellowship,

Rachel

Quote from: Qrachel on November 26, 2015, 12:18:36 AM
Dear King:

You get a lot support here.  It's not family or physically close friends in the traditional sense but it is still very cool and invaluable.  Of course, you know this.  So as someone in that community I'm going to talk to you in pretty unvarnished terms . . . "bad to the the bone," as the song says.

You can throw the towel in and really everyone here will get it, but you do know that everyone here represents <0.10% of the population.  The rest of the world cares about their sh_t, not ours.  Small we may be in size, but we are mighty in spirit and love and we care, really care King. 

So please hear this: Know that throwing in the towel won't do anything to create a life for you that you want and truly love.  All the reasons you are where you are on this journey will still be there, only you won't in a place where you can do anything about them except have them gnaw on you, eventually eating your soul away.  Many of us older dudes and dudettes have had such lives with deep emotional scaring (even attempted suicide) and many regrets to show for it.

I'm not suggesting anything wild here for you to do; in fact, quite the opposite.  If you need to slow down or take a break - man, that's cool and do so!  That ain't throwin in the towel; that's managing near-term expectations and your well-being in the moment.  Throwing in the towel is walking away expecting to never look back.  The truth is with GID is there isn't a viable strategy to do that if your dysphoria is very acute, and in this case Your Mileage Won't Vary!

Take a rest if you need it.  Slow down if that'll help.  However, take it from someone who lived nearly six decades in self-enforced denial . . . it really sucked everything out of me leaving only a shell while permitting at best maybe two or possible three decades to be Rachel.  I'm truly blessed that I crossed over when I did, and I'd do so again in heartbeat if need be.  Looking back, what a lousy trade-off.  There's nothing to do for it and I've moved on.

All our journeys are uniquely peculiar and challenging as well as life giving and fulfilling.  I support you for who you have become and ultimately will be.  Please use the towel to dry the sweat and tears away and take just one more step and then the next day another.  For in fellowship with your community (that includes Susan's and so many others) you/we can have lives unimaginable and hopefulness with blessings untold . . . Surely you know we need you as much as you need peace and a beautiful life.

Yours in Fellowship,

Rachel

Thank you, Rachel. This reply really made my day and even turned some of my negative thinking around. In fact, thank you all for your replies. I don't feel deserving of them, but thank you so much. You're all awesome super stars. I'm gonna stay strong and keep going as who I am. Who I truly am. I am a guy named Phoenix. Its not going to be easy. I think what happened the day I began this topic was a "dysphoric meltdown," as I like to call it. I'm slowly coming back though. Thanks to you all here at Susans.

Hope ya'll have a nice Thanksgiving too, by the way.

Love ya King, Love ya   

Glad to have you back! We are here if you have those moments again or if you just want to talk

Thanks haeden. Feels good to be back. Even though things are still tough, I got ya'll to back me up in times of hardship! Love ya'll!