More venting / updates. My relationship with my brother is now officially over.
Because my mom kept pressuring me, I attempted for the third time to contact my youngest brother (I have two brothers) to invite him over for a conversation about myself and me being transgender. He replied with "Hey, I would love to talk to you some time! Though I hope you don't want to talk about your transgender thing or something. I prefer to ignore that completely". I was stunned and I briefly didn't know what to reply to this... In a few reply messages I explained to him why it means so much to me to be able to have this conversation and explain to him why I feel the way I do and why I cannot be happy with myself while living as a man. His reply: "I'm not interested in having a conversation with you when you already made up your mind about it". Again, I was just stunned. Suddenly it hit me: he didn't have any interest to talk about me. He only cares for himself, as evident by the fact that he thinks this is something he deserves to reason or negotiate with me. I also wrote to him that me being transgender is NOT a question, but an announcement. This went ignored.
After even more replies in which I told him that this was NOT about him for once, he replied, saying "I hope you get a good psychologist that will talk you out of your extreme ideas". At that point, I told him to drop dead. I proceeded to tell him the truth about him, and that I think he's always been a rude, and arrogant excuse of a brother and that I've only ever contacted him on mom's request. I haven't lied a single word.
I really do not know what to feel any more. I feel like my family has betrayed me, and turned against me for trying to be something else than their shallow projection that they have always cast upon me. I also feel jealous, because I see a lot of people who DO have supporting parents and family, who would never treat they child / siblings like this even if they came out as transgender. I don't think I've ever known such a situation during all of my almost thirty years I've been alive. I don't think I've ever known a loving family relationship. I talk to people who say they've regularly played games and video-games together with their parents and brothers... My family would never even THINK about doing something like that, as they would be more preoccupied with important things. Anything that doesn't involve me. To them, I'm just a weirdo with mental problems who doesn't deserve any attention.
I really, really, really, REALLY wish I was born as an only child. That would have at least made my life more eventful. I just feel like a huge prick because whenever people bring up how much they love their brother(s) in conversations, I cannot say the same thing, and by GOD I wish I could... The truth is that if my brother really would drop dead any second, I honestly wouldn't care. I just wouldn't care. I wouldn't care because he's like a stranger to me. Except he's not a stranger, he's an arrogant douche that just happens to be tied to me because of my stupid bloodline.
One other interesting thing happened though... My dad actually messaged me, asking me to talk to him. Just to clarify, I asked him what he wants to talk about. He told me he will call me next week. If it turns out that he doesn't want to talk about me, I'm not going to have a conversation with him of any kind. If he can't be bothered to listen to his child about something that means so very much to me, he's not deserving to be in contact with me. For my own sanity and (already bad) self-esteem, I have to do so. I just can't take the negativity and transphobia anymore, and I certainly can't trust my family anymore. That much I have come to learn over the past week. It actually saddens me very much to see it go down the drain like this... My depression has reached an all-time new low now.
