I've been thinking about everything too much lately, and I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I feel like there's so much that I need to do, and I don't even know where to start. I've come out to a small handful of friends and family members. The thought of telling the rest of my family is terrifying, but I know I'll have to eventually, and I'll probably feel better once I do. I'm 99% certain that some of them will cut ties with me completely, but I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter... the ones who really care about me will be supportive. I just hate the spotlight being on me, so to speak. And it definitely will be when I tell everyone.

I feel like I'm not making much progress, and I'm wasting too much energy basically hiding from everything and avoiding unpleasant situations. I've been depressed a lot these past few years, and my anxiety has gotten worse until recently, there have been days where it's almost unbearable. There have been a few times at work where I've had to leave my desk and hide in the bathroom for a bit while I had a panic attack. I've gotten better about forcing myself to go to work when I wake up feeling terrible. I've been fired from jobs in the past for taking too much time off due to my emotions completely controlling me. Of course it would just make the anxiety worse, because then I'd be thinking "oh man, they're gonna be so mad at me for taking the day off!" I've had my current job for about 6 months and haven't taken any sick days, so I think I'm able to fight my anxiety a bit better now. Still sucks being miserable as hell most of the time. I don't like waking up wishing that I'd just cease to exist.

The only other progress I feel like I'm making currently is that I've started exercising regularly. I'm overweight (which just adds to the dislike I have for my body) and I tend to binge-eat when I'm stressed. Trying to curb that, though... and I am feeling kinda better about myself for actually going out and trying to make a change in my life. Besides that, though... I just feel like I'm sitting here watching time pass. I feel like I'm not doing enough, and that I'm wasting time, and I'm just playing a role pretending to be this person I'm not. I don't want my life to be like this anymore, but I've got no idea where to even start.

You have not said whether you are MTF or FTM.  However my one suggestion would be that you buy some clothes and start dressing as your preferred gender.

This can help with the diet and exercise as well.  Trying to fit into particular types of clothing can motivate you to change your diet and curb the stress eating, and wearing exercise clothes you like will motivate you to stay on the treadmill or the weight machine longer, because you will mentally associate exercise with functioning as your preferred gender.

If you start seeing a gender therapist, sooner or later you are going to be told to come in presenting as your preferred gender, and building a whole presentation from scratch in only a week or two is a huge stressor in itself.  So now is the time to get used to wearing what you really want to wear and getting comfortable with it, as well as developing sources for the kind of clothing you like.

I totally agree with CarlyMcx about exercise and clothes.

I came true to myself when I tipped the scales 25 pounds heavier than I wanted to be.  My focus was to lose the weight to be the woman I know I can be.  I lost the weight and actually feel pretty good about myself now.  I feel even better when I'm wearing tights and a skirt (or something similar.)  Those two things alone helped me survive the past 6 years.  You seem to have some support from your family - ask them to help.  There is no shame in admitting you need help and that's what family is for.

Go slow on the weight loss, you will have set backs.  Think to yourself - you CAN do this.

Good luck.

As you are FTM, you have a number of things you can tackle.
Binding
Working on a lower voice without T
Therapy
Haircut and dress for male appearance
Watch mannerism
Gasses if needed
Weight
When you are ready, Top surgery, T, legal paper work.

If you are not sure how to address any of these items, somebody here can provide help but the best way to do this is start with a few items and work your way through the list. Don't plan on doing everything at once.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on November 23, 2015, 07:32:45 PM
You have not said whether you are MTF or FTM.  However my one suggestion would be that you buy some clothes and start dressing as your preferred gender.

Whoops, sorry about that. I'm FTM.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on November 23, 2015, 07:32:45 PM
If you start seeing a gender therapist, sooner or later you are going to be told to come in presenting as your preferred gender, and building a whole presentation from scratch in only a week or two is a huge stressor in itself.  So now is the time to get used to wearing what you really want to wear and getting comfortable with it, as well as developing sources for the kind of clothing you like.

Is it really just a week or two before they usually ask you to do that? I've been planning to get some clothes, I'm on kind of a tight budget right now though, so I'd wanna make sure I had enough time to save up and get some stuff ahead of time.

Quote from: pj on November 23, 2015, 07:44:33 PM
I totally agree with CarlyMcx about exercise and clothes.

I came true to myself when I tipped the scales 25 pounds heavier than I wanted to be.  My focus was to lose the weight to be the woman I know I can be.  I lost the weight and actually feel pretty good about myself now.  I feel even better when I'm wearing tights and a skirt (or something similar.)  Those two things alone helped me survive the past 6 years.  You seem to have some support from your family - ask them to help.  There is no shame in admitting you need help and that's what family is for.

Go slow on the weight loss, you will have set backs.  Think to yourself - you CAN do this.

Good luck.

That's awesome, I love hearing success stories like that! Good for you, I know it wasn't easy. I'm definitely focusing on getting in shape right now. I absolutely hate exercise (unless it's something fun like hiking or riding my bike) but lately I've been pretty good about just pushing myself to do it. It's starting to get easier, woohoo!

Quote from: Dena on November 23, 2015, 07:55:25 PM
As you are FTM, you have a number of things you can tackle.
Binding
Working on a lower voice without T
Therapy
Haircut and dress for male appearance
Watch mannerism
Gasses if needed
Weight
When you are ready, Top surgery, T, legal paper work.

If you are not sure how to address any of these items, somebody here can provide help but the best way to do this is start with a few items and work your way through the list. Don't plan on doing everything at once.

Therapy and binding are definitely top priorities for me right now. My voice isn't super high-pitched as it is, but the lowest I've been able to go at this point I still sound like a prepubescent boy. I mean, that's a start hahaha. Do you have any tips about lowering my voice?

Quote from: Zachary on November 24, 2015, 12:23:54 AM
Therapy and binding are definitely top priorities for me right now. My voice isn't super high-pitched as it is, but the lowest I've been able to go at this point I still sound like a prepubescent boy. I mean, that's a start hahaha. Do you have any tips about lowering my voice?

For a FTM, voice lessons consist of two things. The first is when you speak, you need to relax the muscles above the larynx. We do the reverse to raise our voice and most women speak with these muscles tense. If you are into music, this is known as the chest voice. There are limits to how low your voice can go without T but this might push you low enough to have people use visual clues to gender you.

The second thing is men talk slower in a much more mono tone voice so you need to show less emotion in your voice when you speak and slow your deliver a bit if you talk fast. You don't want to go completely flat but you do want to reduce an expressive voice.

Just a tip about clothes - you don't have to spend tons of money. Thrift stores usually have at least some men's clothing (not as much as women's, I guess us guys tend to wear our stuff till the end of time) and certain basic items never go out of style, like blue button downs and pull overs. You don't have to spend a million bucks to build up a decent wardrobe. Also, if you know a transgirl looking to clean out her closet and get rid of the guy's stuff, a swap can be arranged if you're close to the same size. I've bought some stuff new (more than I should have, actually) but I've gotten a lot of things second hand too. Not my boxers or socks, but those are pretty cheap.

Thomas