I have a lot of questions, I tried seeing a counselor, that didn't work, so looking for a new one that I can see in stealth.

what I'm wondering is I've been male my entire life...and during this time, I have been on anti-depressants, and anxiety medicine for a lot of it. every time quitting it because I got tired of the "fog" of it.  my entire life is FULL of *signs* and *examples* that in my mind with out a doubt someone would say...wow you are transgender. AND I dream of being taken by a man as a woman... I also dream of being with women as a woman(all the time), and I get aroused by lesbian scenes, not because of the sex, but because I imagine I'm one of the woman.

*sigh*

I didn't figure this out till about 3 years ago... and kept this revelation/secret in a deep hole. and now it eats at me.  Now that I know...I can't go back.

I truly believe I'm a female in a male body.

BUT....I'm scared to DEATH of what the reactions will be and the chaos I Will cause if I come out. I'm sure my partner won't tolerate it at all, they are anti-transgender. At least when it comes to me.  I tested the water by telling my sister (my partner does not know I told her) and my sister was cool with it, unconditional love there for sure. Yet I'm SURE my brothers will be like "WTF is wrong with you, see a psychologist" and I'm sure my partner will say "get the @#%# out, why did you ruin my life and waste the last X years?" In fact I'm sure of both of those, happening, which means, if I come out to any of the people close to me, I will be exiled... I will be on my own. And there WILL be pain, and expenses, and splitting the stuff, and more.

So I'm stuck..be a good man and stuck...or be real, and literally burn everything I have built to the ground. I just don't know if it is worth it. Yet I see all the beautiful people who have had the courage to come out and be genuine, and I ask my self "why can't I be like these people?" and the voice in my head says back "because your situation is different" and then my mind says "is it really?" and so on and so forth. Ugggg....

I would literally give all I have to be able to come out AND not hurt anyone and be accepted, but as my partner would say "you are in fantasy land"

so I listen to "let it snow" and "firework" and it makes me feel good, but sad.

would it be crazy to come out in January? the holidays are over... maybe that's the time to just do this if I'm going to do it. Spring will be after that and things will eventually heal.

Coming out is something you do when you are ready. I have helped teenage kids come out and I have worked with adults with teenage children. They just felt the time was right for them to stop fighting the feelings and become happy for once in their life. I would like to be able to tell you the others will come around and some may but you may also lose some people along the way.

I reached the point of suicide before I came out and it was a very dangerous thing for me to do. I was able to fight it off and was able to end the pain without ever using medication other that what was needed for the transition. It took a while to be accepted but even if I wasn't, it was the only option I had.

Hopefully you will come out before it reaches the point that it did for me. You might want to look for a gender therapist and have a few appointment before coming out because you may receive some help on handling the family. Just remember that this is something you need to do for yourself and the others may never understand the pain you have had to live with all these years.

And yes, January is as good of time as any other. If the coming of spring has a special meaning to you then it's the right time for you.

TBH, the way you characterized your partner makes it seem like you're kind of wasting your time with them anyway. If they are really that hateful, they can't be terribly fun to be around.
Your brothers are going to react in some way, they might think you're gay, or not believe you or blowup or they might surprise you and accept you as you are. I've heard from people who dreaded coming out to a relative and had the relative respond to their coming out with a shrug and "We always figured it was something you'd get around to telling us in your own time..." Life isn't always as climactic as we expect or fear it to be. It's kind of unfair to preemptively reject people in your life though, so maybe a good therapist and a solid plan will help more than anything else.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Like anything in life, your life choices are up to you and you alone.  If you feel this is what will make you happy, why not strive for happiness?  Surround yourself with those that will provide the support and love you need, and for those that don't... well, you get the picture.

Also, this will always vary person by person, but I JUST came out to my parents like 2 days ago.  My sister and wife knew, as did my wife's sister.  I was worried that my mother may take to it fine, but my father would erase me from his life.  Turns out, everyone is accepting.  They don't understand, and that's going to be a long process to try to explain how I feel about it, but they do accept me for who I am.

I really hope everything works out for you mickey.megan, I really do; we all deserve happiness.  If this would be yours, take it.

The key is what makes you happy by all means strive for. You need to find a therapist that is a good fit for you. It is extremely common for most, if not all of us, to be scared of what will happen once we come out and start moving forward with our transitions. My concern was more over the area I live and my neighbors reactions. To which end, I slowly over a month went from going out as a male to andro to female until I was living full time as female. On the most part my concerns turned out to be nothing. Sure some of the local kids who didn't understand said a few words, but I left it at that and moved on. Your right the holiday's isn't the best time to come out, but whenever is best for you is when to do it. Hugs
Mariah

I generally ascribe to the "If you think you are, you are" rule for if you are transgender.

The Trick, the really hard and most important question is WHERE on the spectrum you think you are today? Or even know what the options are. Without spending some quality time sorting it out with the help of a for real gender therapist or a TG Support grout to talk things out to/with you are playing basketball in the dark.

Comming out before you have a clear idea of the future will likely turn into a disaster. The safe bet is to figure your world will end as you know it. Your SO, your family, your friends, work mates, will all see you in a different light once you drop the T-Bomb. Which there are no Do-Overs. You cannot easily change how others will feel. Especially if they are not willing to change how they feel.

Quote from: mickey.megan on November 25, 2015, 06:09:55 PM
I'm thinking January for coming out... I want to avoid the holidays and the turmoil, I already drink enough, don't need to add to it. :|

*hugs* maybe someday I'll be a real girl

You already are, your body just needs some help catching up to your mind. Remember that nobody is perfect, and don't let anyone make you feel ashamed for who you are.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Here's a joke:

http://www.amitransgender.com

But only you can decide. Therapists and psychiatrists can help but they can't make a decision for you.

Quote from: mickey.megan on December 02, 2015, 06:12:46 PM
I know... I just don't know how to do it and not break peoples hearts... and I can't :--(

You can never control how other people think and feel and react. It's part of the bargain we make as social beings. Once you've accepted lack of control, you can rely on the trust and your faith in people that has developed over time.
As long as you can find a way to be completely real some of the time, it makes it easier to wear a mask sometimes. Living with that mask on was my problem, and I rarely let people get too close because of it. I lived my life for the other people around me until I couldn't handle being fake any longer. I transitioned because I wanted the people I love to meet me, not what I showed people to make them happy. Yes it was hard, and there's no easy way to get through transition and coming out, especially when you've been abused by someone you loved. But if I can do it, I honestly think most of y'all that are standing on that precipice can too.
If you break someone's heart for being true to yourself and wanting to be 100% real with them, then they didn't love you, they loved your fictitious role, the idea of you. Those that truly care about you will probably resist you transitioning initially because of ignorance and fear for your safety and happiness, but they will be there for you when you need them. The true friend is the one that helps you move, sometimes you need to move on with your life and leave the people that don't help you behind. If you feel like going back for them when you're stronger and more confident in yourself, it's much easier to do then than when you're still figuring out your identity.

     Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: mickey.megan on December 03, 2015, 12:59:44 PM
that hit home real close to home for me. I know my wife loves me...but I believe if put to the test..she is the later part of that. and thats something that I'm fearful to put to the test.

I don't think you should think of it as a test, but be open to options in the future. Your wife may take your stuff personally, she may become your best friend, she may go all the way with you and adapt with your changes, she may already suspect something. The thing is that you don't know what will happen and you don't want to lose the things you cling to.
I can't make this decision for you, and I doubt it's going to get any easier over time. The way I was raised, if you love them you have to set them free. Give them the chance to return to you. The tighter you cling to your perceptions of their perceptions of you, the harder it will be for your relationships to adapt and evolve to the rigors of real life.
"You can't truly love someone until you can love yourself..." I could quote lots of things for days, but how are you going to be open and trusting in relationships when you don't openly communicate things that are deeply important to you. "Let it go..."
Find some constructive and positive way to be true to yourself in the meantime. Find a gender therapist, find a couples counselor with experience working with the trans community. Make the steps necessary to freeing yourself of this burden when you're ready. The first person you tell should be a trusted friend or relative, not your wife. Once you have told one person and realized the world didn't screech to a halt and throw all of mankind into space, the next person and next person will be easier. This doesn't mean you have to transition or have a plan to do so, it's just so you know they have your back in the future if you do.
Don't give up on the people close to you without giving them a chance, it's kind of a jerk move. We're not meant to sacrifice ourselves for other people, nor will we be thanked for doing so. Everyone is a little selfish, it's healthy, think about what you want and make a plan. I made my 1 year plan, 3 year plan, 5 year plan and 10 year plan as I waited for the opportunity to come out over the December holidays a few years ago. Also, don't tell them every single thing you plan either. Just the next couple steps, otherwise it's a bit overwhelming for them and they'll worry more.

     Hugs,
- Katie
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My wife always knew of my "gender issues". She also knew that prior to her I had experimented with transitioning, twice. At that time, some 30 years ago,  I was self described CD. Transitioning was not in my future. Aint for me. She was and still is a self described "Sexist".

I dropped the T-Bomb on her 7 years ago out of a clear blue sky. Today we are still together, and I can GUARANTEE you that it is not because I still live and present primarily as a male. It is because we have a deep love for each other and... I got healthier.

There is plenty she is not thrilled about, beyond the unknown future for her, for "Us". I still hear "I did not marry a woman". Yet, the pluses far outweigh the minuses. I had become a lifeless, soulless, and "angry" person over the years of fighting with all my might to lock Joanne away. I live in constant fear of ever becoming that person again. As does my wife.

Transition, to me is "To Change". Not just on the outside, which is the easier part. It is also changing the insides. Shedding the negative behaviors, learning and doing the positive ones that make you more like the person you want to be. That changing as as a person, that "Transition" is why my wife and I are still together. If I didn't odds are good one, if not both of us would be dead today besides divorced/separated.

I needed to make that leap of faith for myself, for the US, that becoming a better will pay off one way or another. To date it has in countless ways.

I never asked, nor can I ever expect my wife to stick around. Asking her to, making her, would be akin to killing her and thus me. Dropping the T-Bomb is something that will totally redefine the marriage. There is no Do-Overs. There is pain, there is tears, there is fear, there are PLENTY of unknowns. At the end of the day no matter what you may want or hope or dream, all comes down to her actions which you cannot control.

Wow I feel for you both. I can understand your part as it ripped me up inside till I finally came out and did it. I also understand how she my feel. She married a guy that she love and you loved her. But then out of the blue we sidewind them with this. I would say you are very lucky that you are both still togeTher as when I came out my other half fly like a. bird. It is a very hard thing to do hopefully you will be blessed and stay together if that is what you both want I wish that was what happen for me but it didn't I will be praying for you big hugs.  Lyndsey[emoji173]️[emoji126]


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Have you considered seeing a gender therapist who does couples therapy?  It could be something that helps for sure.

Here are a few resources that could help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901


Some peple additionally say they will be like their male/female twins... with still the same sense of humour...

I'd say take your time... think a bit what you might say... envision a positive outcome...


*hugs*

Coming out is unpredictable but you will be able to do it best if you have worked through all the arguments and understand as much as possible. Thumb through both Links and Wiki on this site as there is a fair amount of information. The coming out letters can be a resource as well and my letter was designed for hard cases. If you have questions about something you don't understand, we will teach you what you need to know. Often it goes far better than expected and sometimes the initial reaction may be bad but after time passes, people come back and will accept you.