Molly,

I have to urge you now that I read this last post of yours, to come out to your wife as soon as possible. She is hurting! She is confused! She is doughting herself now too! Don't put her through this any longer. Get the letter finished and do it quickly. I agree with Melissa the longer you wait and the more you put her through from the night you found her crying on, the harder it will be for her to forget you left her drawnding in this terrifing lake of questioning and confussion and didn't throw out the life raft to save her from her wildest imaginations. Do Molly... Tell her soon!

Sincerely,
Peggiann

Quote from: molly on February 02, 2006, 07:28:00 AM
I am pleased to see that so many SOs were supportive.  More than I thought there would be.

When I came home from my support group last night, I found my wife sobbing and it looked like she had been crying.  She was upset with me for being out, not knowing where or who I was with, and said she thinks I might be having an affair.  I asssured I was not having an affair.

A couple of days ago I asked her if it was OK for me to go the support group and she was OK with that, so I was surprised with her emotional state last night.  She knows I am in therapy and I have talked about the support group with her in terms of how it works, not what is said, and I have never even thought of having an affair.

I tried to reassure her, she knows I am writing a letter to her and plan on sharing why I am in therapy and feel the need to go to a support group.  I ended up sleeping on the couch last night and this morning is feeling awkward.  Bottom line: I am beginning to feel like she is not going to be supportive and that my life as I know it is going to dramaticallly change.  I am very sad this morning.

Molly

Hello Molly,

This is one of the very real dangers that you are going to face by coming out, therefore you need to weigh the consequences of coming out to her very carefully.  You have to ask yourself... Is coming out what you want and or need, will you be able to live with the consequences, what will you do if she wants to leave the relationship.  You are not going to be able to reassure her, as although you are not having an affair, you just might of well have been after you reveal to her what this is all about..  You seem to have put yourself in a position where you are going to have to explain what the support group and the therapy is about.  By doing that you don't have to necessarily "Come Out", rather could tell her that you are seeking answers to some of the confusing feeling you are experiencing.  This is not a compete fabrication as that is what the therapy and support group is about.

If you plan to continue and you are willing to chance loosing her, you will have to come out to her.  This cannot be a knee jerk reaction but plan it through, and select a time and place that will afford you both some privacy and the time to discuss what you are going to reveal.  Be prepared for the worse, and be happy if it doesnt occur.

Steph

P.S. The letter I wrote to my mom can be found here...

Molly,

Don't jump to conclusion on how your spouse will react, but do be prepared for the worst. There is a whole gambit of reactions and emotions you might expect. You may get initial relief it is not an affair, followed by questins of why you didn't tell her sooner, how long have you known, how can you tell strangers and not me. This is how the news can be just as bad, Either way she may see it as an act of betrayal. This is very shaky ground.

I agree with Steph you should not tell her as a knee jerk reaction. You might assure her that you are having to work out some personal issues which have nothing to do with how you feel about her and that you will talk to her in detail about it soon. You should tell her that you are sorry if it seems like you are keeping things from her but that you need to work some things out before telling her all the details of what it is you have sought out therapy about and that the support group is part of that therapy.

Tell her that you want and need to tell her and that you will need her help and support and once you have disclosed everything you would like her to come with you. These are some things you can do with out haveing to give full disclosure before you are ready. Most importantly you should not come clean while she is angry, You will most likely be throwing gasoline on a fire. Be careful. I have said this before and I will say it again preparartion and timeing are key if there is to be any hope of understanding and support from your spouse.

There are of course no gaurantees that with proper preparation and timeing that she will react positively, but your chances will be greatly increased.

Good Luck,

Cassie

Molly,

Cassie and Steph make very good comments and the advise for how to tell her is very well worded. I would have felt so much better so much sooner had I been told even a little like they have worded issues so wonderfully.

I think it show compassion for how your wife feels and That you have every intention of including her when you are ready and feel you know where you stand yourself on matters.

Smiles,
Peggiann

I would like to thank everyone for the good advise regarding coming out to my wife.  I took it all into consideration and believe it did help me in drafting the letter and picking the right time and setting to have the best possible outcome.

My coming out was out of necessity and not in anyway a reaction to my wifes emotions.  I am at the point in my life where I have to do this, but I want to work through the compromises necessary to gain my wifes acceptance.  She is very special to me and she is my best friend, so I am hopeful this all works out.

Molly

I also hope it works out for you.  I wish you luck in life.

Melissa

my wife was in shock.... she did leave for about 2 year.s.. when i tried to transition... but came back when i could not do it... her take on things now are... if you must... but i dont want to see you.. fully dressed

How did my wife take things?  strange; - initially accepting ( with reservations) and then deeply unhappy, for a while it did look like our marriage was on shaky ground - then things on hold, and our relationship seemed to have improved greatly.

We seemed to come to an arrangement without actually stating it that nothing was to happen until after children left home - this has happened, but nothing has moved forward - rana is here, an invisible presence and I have come to the realisation that the hold up is me.

I am torn in different directions here. I like the situation as it is now, I dont want to rock the boat, I dont want to appear foolish - I am a passable man but sadly I will appear a unpretty woman - and I hate to admit this, this disturbs me.  I dont know what I expect of myself

At a certain level I am deeply unhappy and I dont really know what to do about it

I came out to my ex and she was supportive.

Staying the same and being miserable isn't a great way to build a lasting relationship.  At some point, many TS, if not most, look down the barrel of the gun or look at the pile of pills in his or her hand.  If it gets anywhere near that point, choose life.

You are Number One.  Your spouse is Number One.  Sometimes that means the realtionship has to end for each to not only survive but to blossom.

Non-supportive

Supportive, as in "I love you and am happy you have shared this part of you with me".  Not supportive as in if I decide to transition the marriage is over.

Well, at first it seems she didn't understand exactly what I meant by I have these gender identity issues and don't identify as male. It wasn't until things between us had fallen apart that she finally understood that I meant that I was planning a transition, and then her response went from apathetic to supportive.

Of course, I don't know exactly if you would call that a success, but at the very least her cheating had nothing to do with me being transgender, so I guess that isn't bad on that. I know this sounds odd, but I wish I had really done this years ago, I might even have been able to salvage things. I think fear kept me from putting myself in a position of strength to tell her, and that caused us both too much grief.

She is not supportive at all.
Infact she offen outs me in public.
Sometime I think the person she is outing me to thinks she is crazy.

My current SO has always been supportive. He has known I was trans since before we started our relationship again, but often he pushes me to be myself more than I push myself.

I told my wife about myself (best I knew then) before we were married '84. There were many phases we were to go through before 2010, when I finally started getting help for this....

My transition has been a long road for both of us, and she is with me today, with love.

C -