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Living as a transman without T...anyone else?

Started by 2legit, November 28, 2015, 01:19:01 PM

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2legit

After much inner reflection & talking with other transguys, I decided to hold off on starting T for quite awhile, maybe even permanently. I have too many hesitations that outweigh my dysphoria, although this could change in time. After I realized who I was my dysphoria has been consistently diminishing, although it's always there in some form.

I will be getting top surgery soon but the issue is I don't pass at all as a man, my face is kinda femme so it's a give-away. I identify as a straight male although physically one would never guess.  After surgery I will look like a girl w/ no breasts which will make me more on the sides of society, plus I think dating & socializing would be more challenging as I'm in between genders physically although mentally identify as male.

Making this decision to hold off on T may make my life more challenging, not sure. Anyone else in this situation & how has it affected your life?
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Arch

I'm not in your position, but you might check out the nonbinary and nontransitioning boards. A number of people are in situations similar to yours.
"The hammer is my penis." --Captain Hammer

"When all you have is a hammer . . ." --Anonymous carpenter
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2legit

Thanks Arch but my gender identity is exclusively masculine so I don't think I would fit in with non-binary.
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Alexthecat

I think you will find that after surgery you will get to the point of maybe wanting T. In my case it has been almost two years since top surgery and it really does help with the dysphoria. Come the new year I am thinking of getting a shot or two to see if it magically makes my brain feel at ease. Top surgery was a must and everything else after that is icing on the cake.

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2legit

I've thought about that too Alexthecat, we'll see what top surgery triggers. I let my feelings flow so if after surgery the need for T develops then I'm game. :)
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Bimmer Guy

Quote from: 2legit on November 28, 2015, 03:57:34 PM
I've thought about that too Alexthecat, we'll see what top surgery triggers. I let my feelings flow so if after surgery the need for T develops then I'm game. :)

I think that this is a good approach.  I did top surgery, thinking that perhaps social transition (including T), wasn't necessary for me if I had top surgery (I am 45 years old and very deep into my career).  I found a year later, that T was necessary for me, as was social transition.  I have never been happier.  I was cautious, doing low dose first, just to make sure.

I know that you told Arch that the non-binary board wasn't a fit for you, but you might want to check out the non-transitioning board, which is a child board under Transgender Talk (click on community conversation to find it).
Top Surgery: 10/10/13 (Garramone)
Testosterone: 9/9/14
Hysto: 10/1/15
Stage 1 Meta: 3/2/16 (including UL, Vaginectomy, Scrotoplasty), (Crane, CA)
Stage 2 Meta: 11/11/16 Testicular implants, phallus and scrotum repositioning, v-nectomy revision.  Additional: Lipo on sides of chest. (Crane, TX)
Fistula Repair 12/21/17 (UPenn Hospital,unsuccessful)
Fistula Repair 6/7/18 (Nikolavsky, successful)
Revision: 1/11/19 Replacement of eroded testicle,  mons resection, cosmetic work on scrotum (Crane, TX)



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Arch

Quote from: 2legit on November 28, 2015, 01:34:15 PM
Thanks Arch but my gender identity is exclusively masculine so I don't think I would fit in with non-binary.

Well, I suggested it because some of those folks do not medically/hormonally transition, so I thought you might find some support or some tips there. But the other board should be useful to you.
"The hammer is my penis." --Captain Hammer

"When all you have is a hammer . . ." --Anonymous carpenter
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aross1015

Quote from: Alexthecat on November 28, 2015, 02:36:24 PM
Come the new year I am thinking of getting a shot or two to see if it magically makes my brain feel at ease.

I advise against this unless you are going to go on T for 6 months to a year.  It takes at least that long for your moods to stabilize and your body to adjust to the hormones.  Getting a shot or two isn't going to do much if anything and is merely going to be a waste of time and money. 
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Alexthecat

Quote from: aross1015 on November 29, 2015, 11:39:52 AM
I advise against this unless you are going to go on T for 6 months to a year.  It takes at least that long for your moods to stabilize and your body to adjust to the hormones.  Getting a shot or two isn't going to do much if anything and is merely going to be a waste of time and money.
Those that I have talked to at my support meetings have been able to know after a shot or two. It doesn't hurt to try it.

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aross1015

Quote from: Alexthecat on November 29, 2015, 12:51:47 PM
Those that I have talked to at my support meetings have been able to know after a shot or two. It doesn't hurt to try it.

I don't suppose it would hurt to try, if you have the time and money for that.  Perhaps you may be able to tell after a shot or two, perhaps those people truly were able to tell and weren't just experiencing the placebo most experience in the first few weeks of starting T. 
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2legit

Thanks for the input Bimmer Guy & Arch. I will check out the non-transitioning board as I'm sure I will find more peeps like me :)
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Arch

#11
Bear in mind that many of us have lingering uncertainties about some element of medical/surgical transition. Most of us seem to start the transition path with testosterone. Because it's the first step and because so many of its changes are irreversible, many of us go through agonies of doubt and delay before we actually start--and then some doubt often remains.

Some are reluctant because they do not want to lose their hair or become hairy on their bodies or experience some other T-related change. Some still have doubt because they are worried about how loved ones will respond. Some have other medical issues that complicate their choices. Other people have other reasons for lingering uncertainty.

In my case, the doubt sprang purely from my fear of losing my relationship. In fact, that one element was the single most important factor in my decision NOT to transition, year after year. To help people sort out what is what, we sometimes say, "Okay, you can see the future, and you know that nobody will be put off by your transition or stop loving you. Would you still hesitate to start T?" If the answer is yes, you would still be unsure, then keep thinking about it. If the answer is no, you would definitely want to proceed, then chances are very, very good that T is right for you and that you are being held back by fear of other people's reactions.

My answer to this question would have been, "No, I wouldn't hesitate. Bring it on!" I had wanted T ever since I'd found out it was a possibility--twenty years earlier. I just didn't want to lose my partner. (ETA: I didn't want to get a hairy body at that point, nor did I want to lose head hair, but these aspects had no real bearing on my decision.)

The thing is, those reactions from family, partner(s), and friends can still be too overwhelming for some guys. I was friends with a guy who decided not to transition until his mother died. He had come out as a lesbian years and years earlier and had gone through a lot of upheaval with his parents, and the result after (apparently) years of struggle was a strong and supportive mother and father. He wasn't willing to risk their love and support over something even more...oh, radical, I suppose...than lesbianism.

So sometimes the question helps, and sometimes it doesn't. Maybe it will give you some perspective.
"The hammer is my penis." --Captain Hammer

"When all you have is a hammer . . ." --Anonymous carpenter
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Zeno

A lot of people who are FTM don't start T, don't worry about it. As long as you're comfortable and you don't think you need T then good for you. :) I'm only 15 so I won't be starting T for a few years, although I know it's definitely something I'll consider later in life.

As long as you're happy with yourself then I'm happy for you. :)
16 - FTM - UK - I'm cool
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2legit

You had some solid points Arch & I appreciate the perspective. I have asked myself many questions & hypothetical scenarios to arrive at my decision. For me, the fear is I just don't think I'm mentally/physically ready for the changes T will bring, but I also know it will happen when the time is right. I think having top surgery will launch certain feelings forward, maybe not, who knows.

And spot on Zeno, thanks for the support! I'm in no hurry & such a massive decision like this can't be rushed. Best of luck to you on your journey :)

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Arch

My non-transitioning friend is apparently looking to get top surgery nowadays, even though he has not taken any other steps to transition. It happens a lot these days; at least in the U.S., we aren't locked into what some so-called expert thinks is the right process. "One size fits all" usually doesn't fit many people very well!
"The hammer is my penis." --Captain Hammer

"When all you have is a hammer . . ." --Anonymous carpenter
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