I was viewing a tape about a trans girl showing her vagina to a gay guy. It was two people that had two different YouTube shows and she was showing his reaction to seeing her created vagina. The thing is she's very pretty and her body , face and voice are beautiful. I was watching and started going into my normal mental routine of getting mad at myself for taking so long to find the path to transitioning. Then while that is going on in my mind the other things start creeping in . Things like never being able to look as good or sound as good. I mean I'm happy that I'm doing this , but darn, looking at these girls makes you go insane. Then for me the added curse is my time left to be myself on this planet. It's like 1 step forward then 1 step backward. Do you let other transitions affect you or do you have the ability to ignore and move on.

I try to find inspiration in everyone's stories. I have loved watching your changing profile picture over this past year. You are so beautiful and seem to be so free and happy, you also ask so many interesting and deep questions. They and the responses they elicit have helped me along my path. There is no hope in what could have been, but so long as there is a future there is a possibility for joy in being.

" Wow , thanks so much. I really am thankful for the   kind words. I  really love helping in any way I can. The thing though is that if it wasn't for Susan and her great Idea I'd be floundering in a sea of confusion. This place has helped me in countless ways ." -stephaniec

Yeah, I definitely washed up on these shores last February scared and alone. Y'all welcomed me in and helped me from the get go. I meant every word, although our posts seem to have merged, that kinda makes sense. I wasn't just being kind, that was honesty.

Thank you so much , I really truly appreciate it. I love helping when I can. I think the big thumbs up goes to Susan for this great idea she created. Susan has given me a much needed platform to help in a small way and I thank her for that Plus I would of been wandering in solitude if I hadn't found this place.

Knowing that I had the chance to fully transition when I was 24 and didn't until another 24 years went past I try to avoid any opportunity to throw myself a pity party, that includes comparing myself to other transwomen.

I think I made of boo boo.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 29, 2015, 11:30:48 PM
I think I made of boo boo.

I was trying to figure out how that happened!? I tried to make it clearer...

It might have something to do with the void between universes

 Yay! Reaching into the void and finding a friendly hand.

I avoid it, at this time it deepens the GD with a factorial growth.

The causes are on my end. The root cause is that I am going to be held for year(s) before I get into HRT, let alone surgeries. All I want is a fair shot to develop my own beauty and I don't have that privilege. It is the system here that makes it incredibly slow.

If I had a humane access to HRT and other treatment to know I am getting all help that is available, I wouldn't mind. Once I get HRT, I won't celebrate. Everything about health care for transgenders here has a very bitter taste.

What if I had?

Is a statement I hear often from my patients. What if I hadn't worked asbestos, what if I hadn't smoked, what if I hadn't etc etc. Would I still have contracted cancer?

No idea.

What I do know is that what if doesn't change the past or help with the present or the future.

What if Stephanie had transitioned at an early age and lived her wonderful life?

I would not have met her. She would not have helped all the people on the Forum she has helped. She would not have inspired another person to take a step to change their life.

She would not be receiving this post!!

Love you Honey.

Don't worry about what if, think instead of;

I'm alive, I have friends who love me, I am a really important person who has done a lot of good in her life.

Cindy

Thanks Cindy, I had a wonderful experience last Friday. A member of Susan's from California was visiting her girl friends parents and made it a point of treating me to lunch. First real live person from Susan's I ever met and it was great. If it wasn't for me transitioning now I would of never searched for a place like this and am totally grateful  for all the wonderful people I never would of known.

Nothing makes me hate myself more than seeing a trans woman who is completely unquestionably cisnormative in voice and appearance, having the unchanged voice and cute childish facial features that I've always longed for so much.

Where people comment on her videos and are like "you're TRANS? What?" People who never have to worry about being "passable" or not, never have to question whether people see them as a woman or not, they simply are, and can enjoy their lives body-dysphoria-free.

I'm so sick of having to deal with that particular mental battle, and I'm overwhelmed with jealousy when I see someone who doesn't.

Honestly... I do not feel envy for cisgender women. I feel pity and miserable for myself but theres no point in hating people who have never done anything to me.

I cant get inspired by something someone was born with; beauty. Maybe thats why I idolize Marilyn Monroe because shes all hocus pocus and make up tricks and illusions and smoke mirrors. Maybe its her tragic tale? Maybe its because she never found love... And all she wanted was to be a housewife and have babies... I dont know.

I had a pity-party-make-myself-happy weekend. I binge, felt like crap, vodka, salty bloody mary, suicide thoughts pop in, and now the bloated truth is in the mirror. I look at myself really well.... Well...

Im not going there right now. Maybe after the bloat.

Im alive... And thats about I can do right now.

....

It does no good to compare yourself to other women. Even cisgender beautiful women deal with this.... Theres always a new better younger version.

I feel like we got an ugly hand dealt at life... But its no different than cancer victims or other suffering people....

Oh yes, I'm a big bowl of giggling jelly, lol. I got a wig recently in the mail, and it is very nice, but I look more like Kevin Sorbo in it than a cute girl, lol.

So yeah, I get a lot of fear, and worry that is hugely demotivating. Those perfect transgirls though, almost certainly don't see themselves that way, and also have worries, and often only see what they think to be their flaws when they look in a mirror too. They almost always (I think) aren't as sure of themselves as I am sure of them when I look at them.

I don't care though, nearly as much, about being seen as the hottest girl in the world, as I am about just being seen as a girl.

I have some good qualities though, I have small slender hands, that I've heard many times look like girl's hands, so I doubt that anyone would pick me out for having big hands at least! Lol.

I think that you easily pass, stephaniec.

thanks

It's wonderful and motivating.
Unless she has a piece that should totally be in my closet instead 

Am I allowed in this topic?

If I compared myself to other trans women that are younger/prettier/wealthier/luckier than me then yeah, it would bother me a lot. It's certainly not too hard to think of examples of those kinds of people.

But I choose not to do that. One of the life lessons that I have learned is that life is not fair - there will always be people that are better off than me, and there will always be people that are worse off than me. My time is far better spent enjoying my life as best I can and being thankful for the things I have been given, and not worrying about the things that I can't do anything about.

One of those things I could regret is when I transitioned. When I was about 20 I was far more petite than I am now, and more feminine looking too - it would have been the perfect age to transition. But I didn't have the knowledge that I have now, and the times were different. I transitioned when it was right for me and that happened at 51, not 20. Ce la vie

Comparing myself to others that I consider better off than me only leads me to a bad, dark place. It's better simply not to dwell on such things.

I find it to be inspiring. I have the chance to get the inside information about what they did, avoiding the same mistakes they did, and adjust my schedules accordingly. It's only making my own journey easier.

I wouldn't be of mind to compare myself to them. Envying their life and luck would do nothing for me. Behind every transition, there are more hardships than I'd care to endure in the "grass is always greener" scenarios.

I have found that if I look back objectively, there's a lot of good things and life experiences that I'd miss out on from trading places. Just as I've had more life experiences than I would have, had I transitioned earlier. They made me who I am; for better or worse.

I cherish my history and friendships more than I covenant their money and looks.