Hey,

So basically, two weeks ago I met up with my transgender friend Alyssa for the first time at her house. It was nice to finally meet her and have another transperson to talk to face-to-face. I travelled as a guy and left as a guy but when I was there I dressed up as a girl, for the first time infront of anyone else.

This was nice at the time and then she had to go to out so I went with her (stayed in the car) dressed up fully as Hannah. So that was my first time outsdie as Hannah, despite not leaving the car at all and it felt pretty normal - I felt less self-conscious than when I went to school in fancy-dress on my last day!!

Despite this, since that day I haven't felt the need to be Hannah at all. Not once. I even deleted all my Hannah photos and removed my Hannah twitter account from my phone. And naturally, this has caused me to massively doubt whether I'm transgender or not

I know that everyone will say I need to talk to a professional and I agree but I'm not in a financial position to do so right now, so I just wanted to know if anyone here had any ideas or any personal experience that I might be able to relate to? Or any personal opinions?

Hope to hear back from people soon!! x

Hello Hannah,

There are many people here who can describe years of purging their clothes and their attempts to come on outta the closet.  For some, the closer we get to our goals the more scary it seems.  Lots of us have experience with failed attempts to come out, transition or accept ourselves.  20 years ago I tried to transition, got scarred, felt humiliated and then tried to "man up" by repressing the truth and distraction.

For most of us being transgender is not something we can simply turn off.  My girl self lived in the shadows and waited until she could be free.  We are quite capable of repression, denial and self delusion but what do we have to show for that but relief when we stop denying ourselves.

I don't know you but if you are transgender SHE will be back.  Be ready to smile and welcome her home:D

Best thing would be to follow your heart. If you are enjoying your boy time thats perfect.

I was genderfluid for the longest time. Id be very masculine some days and then id switch. One day i switched to girl mode and i never went back

You will only find out how you feel over time


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It sounds like "purging" which is pretty common for many trans people along the way.  If you aren't trans then the feelings may never come back and there will be your answer.  If you are trans they will be back soon, probably within weeks.  And then there will be your answer once again.  I wouldn't be too concerned either way if I were you.  What you are going through is a common experience.  Many others have purged many times through their lives thinking its all been put behind them only for it to return as strong as ever.  In my opinion, it's all part of a charade like defense mechanism constructed in the mind to put off the inevitable. 


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I went cold turkey for 20 years thinking I had fought off the demon that kept coming back since I was 4. She finally won.

Normal activity...

Just take some advice from us who have been there

DO NOT THROW OUT YOUR GIRL THINGS!

you will want them again and its a expensive process, not to mention the embarrassment of going to buy them again
Thats if you have that problem too.... I know in the beginning it was hard for me to buy girl things as I thought I was being judged, that gets easier over time tho.

Just relax, do what you feel each day and one day you will want to be Hannah again....
I actually deleted hundreds of digital pics of me taken over a years span and Im so sorry I did that.
and Ive purged clothes/makeup 3 times, the last costing me hundreds of dollars, if not well over a thousand. I vowed to never do that again.

My purge happened around 13... Not that I had anything to purge except my transness... I knew I wanted to be a girl, but I knew I wouldn't survive high school unless I crafted some sort of workable male persona. So, I did just that. I became this stoner/slacker/rockstar type, and it worked for me. I ended up blocking out my previous feelings and desires and literally forgot I was transgendered. But of course things started to creep in. I grew my hair longer, experimented with eye-liner, got my ears pierced, all the while telling myself that other rockstars did all that and more and they weren't considered girly, and that's what I was aspiring to become. Tried my best to exhibit some swagger and attitude. But I never quite got the hang of being a guy, never felt like 'one of the guys' even though I had groups of guy friends. And then 20 hit, was out of my teens, and I made this deal with a friend of mine that involved cross-dressing. It seemed innocent enough but it flipped a switch in me that brought everything I had suppressed out into the open... I knew I couldn't forget again, couldn't bury it anymore. So I chose to transition, and I don't regret it at all.

While I agree with most of the posts regarding purging and denial, this sounds a little bit different.  I never purged but have backed off transition at various times.  Letters from purgers that I have read and my own failed attempts always included bad feelings; shame, fear, guilt, etc.  Hannah didn't express any of that.  I suspect (my opinion) that with the current "hipness" of being trans that there may well be a lot of "trans curious" feelings out there.  Nothing wrong with that.  Dress up a couple of times and get it out of their systems.  I have seen several shows recently that had segments where men did things from applying makeup to wearing various articles of clothing in order to understand what women go through.  It wasn't done in a mocking way, and the men expressed greater appreciation.  Perhaps this was a growth experience for Hannah and she will end up as a supporter of those of us for whom the feelings are much deeper and more fundamental.  Now she may in fact have those deeper needs.  If so, go for it.  But lets face it, for most of us, if we didn't have to go through it our lives would be easier, cheaper and less confrontational.  At least mine would have been.   

I think I have to agree with Cindy.  It doesn't sound, to me at least, like typical purging, not as I remember it anyway. 

Questioning is no bad thing, better that than to rush one way or another and then regret it later.  Just go with what feels comfortable to you for a while and see how you feel. It could be that you lean more towards genderfluid and have boy days and girl days.

You could be trans. Instead of binary trans woman, you could be genderfluid or bigender. You could also be a crossdresser. There's nothing wrong with any of these possibilities.

When therapists are diagnosing gender dysphoria they are typically looking for a persistence of the trans-desires that lasts at least six months. Moreover, the desire is typically very intense.

How long have you been questioning your gender? How often do you dress in feminine attire?

I agree with people: do not throw away your girl stuff. You will probably regret it.

Questions that might be helpful for you to think about:

-The magic button question: if you could press a magic button and have a feminine body would you do it?

-Can you see yourself living happily as a guy for the rest of your life?

I have also purged my stuff in the past, and yes, keep coming back to it.  I feel ashamed, and upset with myself for not being manly enough, try to embrace my masculinity, yet always come back to the feminine.  Lots of ups and downs in this road...

Hi All
I had hidden all my feelings and was stealth for 30 hard years I'm a father of three and a grandfather of six at this time. It was a very hard decision for me as I was burning up inside. I was seeing my therapist for 3 years before this and told her of my intentions, So i came home from work one day and said that is it I'm going full time.My family had known for a long time that i didn't know. they told me after that they were wondering when i was going to just come out. I had started growing my hair long for a while and my mother and other family members would ask me when i was going to cut it.LOL little did they know that this was the start for me to become full time. I guess that i was the lucky one as I have a full head of hair unlike my younger brothers. The conclusion to my thought is you only live once and know one can make that decision but you. I will say go with your Heart. and you will have my Blessing no matter what you choice is.

Hug's
Lyndsey