not been on these boards for a while as i spent a few weeks in hospital after attepting slit my wrists,had pychiatric evaluations but i know that i will try again and hopefully sucsees,the dream of becoming a woman is now over,my hair has become so bad that nobody would ever be convinced that i am not a man,no i will never consider wigs,i kniow that spiro and avodart work for you girls but for me it has accelerated my hair loss and yes i did see a dermotoligist who confirmed it is MPB not anything else,no every minute of every day things keep going round in my head like first god put me in the wrong body,then started losing my precious hair and to be honest although i have always felt female having such fantastic hair as i had ,sort of made up for gods mistake and i could sort of live with being in the wrong body because i always knew as peoples opinions abpout transexuals became more tolerant then for the rest of my life i could lead the life that should have been mine in the first  place,but foe some reason the drugs don't work i take spironolactone and estrogen,i hope you girls are doing better than,i wish you all thae best 

I have an understanding of where you are at. There was a time when I stared death in the face on a daily basis. I thought death was my best option and after a certain point it felt like it was my only option. It is a terrible and painfull place to be. I'm not going to give you a sermon on why suicide would be the wrong thing to do. It is not easy to go on when things seem hopeless,but do know that THINGS CAN GET BETTER.  I know you can't see this from where you are now. I've been there and I know how excrutiatingly painful it can be. I can't pretend to have any easy answers. I don't know that there are any. There is no way of knowing precisely what the future will hold. It is a great unknowable. There is no way to tell how things will be in six months or a year or two. Alot can change in that amount of time, things you can't concieve of in your darkest hours. At the very least please give yourself some time. Allow yourself the opportunity to find out. I truly hope thing get get better for you. Do take care, you are not alone.

Abby

Dean,

Many of us have been in a similar situation.... having survived a suicide attempt or two.

Life can be so painful.  There are answers Dean.  I don't know which yours will be but I encourage you to seek them out.  Once you can get past these problems that we share, there is a wonderful world to enjoy.  Believe me, it is there.  You just can't see the forest for the trees.

My best to you.  I'm glad that you are here.  Continue to post and share with us.  There is some relief in that.

Cindi

Quote from: abbynormal on December 18, 2007, 02:36:23 PM
I have an understanding of where you are at. There was a time when I stared death in the face on a daily basis. I thought death was my best option and after a certain point it felt like it was my only option. It is a terrible and painfull place to be. I'm not going to give you a sermon on why suicide would be the wrong thing to do. It is not easy to go on when things seem hopeless,but do know that THINGS CAN GET BETTER.  I know you can't see this from where you are now. I've been there and I know how excrutiatingly painful it can be. I can't pretend to have any easy answers. I don't know that there are any. There is no way of knowing precisely what the future will hold. It is a great unknowable. There is no way to tell how things will be in six months or a year or two. Alot can change in that amount of time, things you can't concieve of in your darkest hours. At the very least please give yourself some time. Allow yourself the opportunity to find out. I truly hope thing get get better for you. Do take care, you are not alone.

Abby

You took the words right out of my mouth, Abby. I was in that exact same place for a very long time. But things have improved a lot in the last few months. I still have my bad spells, but now I can get past them, it was not that way before. I would lay on the couch and think about death constantly, however, after things began to happen (such as starting hrt) then the clouds finally lifted. But, it sure was a bad, bad time for quite awhile. I thought that things were never going to get better, but here it is just over a year and a half after I began facing my gender issues head on and things are better than they have EVER been in my life. You just need to have faith that things WILL work out, even if it seems quite bleak at the time. Hang in there okay, dean? 

Dean,

I had to reply as I too have faced that despair and the thought that life is not worth living. I will pray for you and I believe God put each of us here for a purpose, "a life to live" that belief has kept me from giving up. Believe me the pain has been great to the extent of sorrow in the depths of my soul and still is sometimes, but if I give in then the dysphoria has won.

Someone told me once that the world is a better place because I am here and it would be a worse place if I wasn't. We don't know the lives we touch, a bit like the old film "Its a wonderful life."

Dean I know that even though I don't personally know you I know that you are here and because of it the world is a better place.

Big hug

Nigella

I hear ya dean, this time of year is the worst.  I can't wait until the holidays are over. 

But you have to realize hair doesn't make a woman.  Sure, we all wish we popped out of a shampoo ad in a magazine, but you are far from the only one suffering from this.  And the anti-androgen drugs are not hair fertilizers but there are other alternatives.  There are many women that get by with less hair.  And it should be pointed out it isn't that uncommon that genetic women also have thinning hair.  If in the end, if you find that you have a make a choice between being a wig-wearing person and a dead person, is that really the choice you want to make?  Over hair?

One of my good friends wears wigs and she is one of the most unashamed, life-loving people on earth.  I wish you could meet her, she is very inspiring, but not because of her lack of hair.

You were given a unique opportunity to live this life; you are a very rare and lucky person, despite the suffering you may feel.  And be honest, every day is not so bad.  Get through the winter, I'm confident things will get better.  Spring is right around the corner.

xo,
Suzie

p.s. if you went by a name other than dean, it might make you feel a little more feminine, and a little better about yourself.  just a suggestion.

Quote from: Suzie on December 19, 2007, 01:18:07 PM
p.s. if you went by a name other than dean, it might make you feel a little more feminine, and a little better about yourself.  just a suggestion.

like Deanna

The times I became suicidal, it was never triggered by feeling sad. I seem able to bear unlimited amounts of sadness as far as that goes. What made me suicidal was another, far bleaker thing altogether: the feeling of existential despair, that it would just not be possible for me to exist in this world, that no matter what I did to continue my existence it was bound to fail. I can deal with sadness and go on existing... but I have no defense against despair of my very existence. I also suspect this was a depression associated with chemical changes in my nervous system, but I don't know that for sure. It just felt like an altogether different sort of beast than everyday emotions. Once I got on HRT, that demon went away and pretty much left me alone. Estrogen is my elixir of life. So my suicidal depression may have had a chemical cause.

dean1972 if HRT isn't keeping it away then I guess your problem is of a different origin, or maybe you need to get your dosage reviewed, I don't know... What do you think would help?

Hi,I know how you're fealing, My hair is starting to go and I'm only 17! That is extremely depressing, I hate looking in the mirror and seeing this and, yes it has made me feel suicidal many times. Sometimes I think everything would be better if I just killed myself, then it would all be over, no more receding hairline, no more facial hair, no more penis and no more man body altogether.

But this is not my dream, I don't dream to just not have this man body, I dream that I will one day be woman. that's what keeps me going. My reciding hairline can be fixed by a transplant, it might be expensive, and it would probably take a few years to pay off but it's better than being dead. After hormone treatment and various other procedures I will one day become a woman, That is my ambition, my dream and it is what makes me want to live, this is my goal in life. You only live once so you may aswell give it a try and one day you can live out your dream.

Good luck, I hope you can live your dream and becom the woman that you are

Suicide is a permanent answer for temporary problem I'm sure heard that before. If you can hang in there long enough your situation will change. You probably feel can't overcome this obstacle but make sure you leave your option open.  Just remember a lot of hair treatments take a while to work under consistent use. This is what worked me folic acid, E-vitamin, T gel shampoo once a week, Minoxidil 5% 3ml twice a day, and a soft hair brush to exfoliate the scalp. A warning about the Tgel shampoo I lost hair first couple times using it  and it strips the scalp and hair my dermatologist recommend because I had some kind of build up that would make my hair fall out patches when I was 14 year old I'm 33 now. Have you tried progesterone? Like Tamarasaid said hair transplants. I would try everything at least go down fighting. So you know that you gave it all to be a woman that want to be.


Quote from Joe versus the Volcano
If you have the choice of killing yourself and doing something your scared of doing. Why not take the leap and I do thing your scare of doing.

Take care
Anna

Hi Dean,

   I have felt the same as you.  for a long time I couldn't get past the baldness.  I wanted to kill myself too, but I didn't because I didn't want that to be the reason for me to perform such an act.  It took a long time, but I realized that my hair issue was a fixation that was keeping me from doing what I had to in order to finally feel better.  Like you, I refuse to wear wigs.  In a way, I got lucky because once I was able to get past the hair fixation, I was able to determine better how I felt overall in terms of my gender identity and how I am going to live with GID.
   Whatever you do, don't allow that one fixation to block you from finding a way that works for you.  There really is a lot to feel good about in everyone's life.  Sometimes people like us forget about the good things.  I had to remind myself of the positive things in my own life.  Eventually, I didn't have to work at finding those good things.  My life got better.  Your life can get better too.



Love,

Rebis

Dean.  I have a question are you on micronized progesterone.  When spiro and dutasteride with estrogen does not to the trick adding in progesterone also helps.
I have god awful hair to.  I am 29.  I bought the wig and got over it, and believe it or not I don't run into any problems and I don't even think about it most of the time, as supposed to before I wore it regularly where I would used to obsess.  Most people (like 99% or more of the population) can't tell I am wearing one.  Last I checked to, I am consistently (as in all the time) being called miss or ma'am and its not people just being nice, its how they see me. 

Yeah my hair is nowhere near passable, but I found out this is the easiest thing to cover.  Soon I will get a scalp advance because it is starting to come back to that point I can do it.

Plus this is long term prospect.  It took 5 months for my hair to noticibly start to come back.  Micronized Progesterone in 10 days has accelerated it.  This is not something for the impatient.  It takes awhile.  Things may keep happening until you are at female  levels for androgens. 

iv not been all the way to suicide... i thought about it when i was younger. i was so desperate once (before i learned how srs worked) that i once tried to rid my self of "frank and beans " with rubber bands.... crazy....the things desperation will make us do.  i think that we were all dealt a tough hand to start with. what has helped me is God. this isnt supposed to be "preachy", but this is what has helped me. feel free to apply it to your self if you wish. i know that he loves you.
god is more interested in your soul, your character then he is about your flesh. not that god has no interest in your body, it is just that the soul is going to be around for a long time. gods plan for human development seems to follow the same path. every great biblical character had a hard upbringing and difficult trials. you proably wont here this in church... i believe that christ is the best example that we have for the T/S community. im not saying that he had gid, but according to christian theology christ WAS god in human flesh. i have a problem that my soul dosnt match my body... christs body didnt match any part of his true being. and  i fully believe that christ fully understands the male and female parts of humanity... if not before the cross then surely after when he lives inside of believers in the form of the holy spirit.  when christ was on earth he was always with the every day people.and despised the religious right.  i fully believe that god/christ fully understands and cares for and loves the t/s person. god loves you. so why would he make someone t/s?  there so many possible reasons that it wold be impossible to list them all... but here are some that i have found in myself. that i actually care and appreciate how wonderful it is to be a woman... that i dont take it for granted. it allowed me the opportunity to learn many cool male dominated subjects(high performance car building, house building, im definitely a tomboy). it allowed me to help my mother when she was terminally ill. i was physically strong enough to take care of her and i had no family of my own(no wife or kids because of the gid) that would have limited my ability to help her.   there are so many ways that this has been a blessing in my life. but none of it has been easy. 

hang in there girl! there is still so much left to learn and do. god loves you, just give him a chance to complete what he has started.

sorry if this offended anyone, sorry if it dosnt make sense... it is way past my bed time.

love, beth

Like Beth, what kept me from killing myself was a sense of some benevolent spiritual power sustaining my existence. I had to experience my worst rock bottom of despair before I found that something at the core of my being would not quit being positive. From there I rebuilt myself hopefully stronger than before. Beth found Jesus, for me the experience was of the Goddess, but I think a spiritual insight could be interpreted any number of ways, depending on what's meaningful to an individual. It could have been just the built-in self-preservation instinct of my own being, whatever that is. What matters is that you find something that keeps you going.

Hum,

Sadly suicide is a topic I know a lot about from both sides of the equation...I have personally lost a number of friends over the years to suicide and every time I wonder how I missed the cries for help, but then again my own cries for help have also gone unnoticed by others too.

I have personally attempted suicide 5 times in my life...luckily I must really suck at it. Often I have noticed that those who have been there before are better at understanding the feelings of completely hopelessness that can lead someone to even consider taking their own life. The path of transsexual has got to be the hardest thing in the world to follow and often times things look like they will never get any better...but that is our depression and hopelessness talking to us. So long as we are alive we have a chance...it's taken me a long time to come to that understanding myself and I would be lying if I said there still aren't days I stand in the bathroom with the medicine cabinet open...looking at what's in there and thinking...which ones???

I can understand your feelings on wigs and believe it or not...there are woman with hair loss too. Have you exhausted all the possible hair replacement methods out there? Not having problems with hair loss I am unfamiliar with what is available out there in this area...but never give up hope! Giving up hope is the beginning of that downward spiral into depression and often leads people who are predisposed to suicide to become suicidal.

I wish you the best....

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

I've dealt with the suicidal impulses feeling that things will "never work" .. and I also have extensive hair loss. (I was born in '68, so I am at about the same stage in life, and the hair just has disappeared.) That is one of the things that makes me very sad, because I'd love to have the freedom of "real hair." I don't think I can recover a normal head of hair by any currently known routine, and what I could recover probably would cost me far too much money that is best spent on other surgery.

Many of the hair systems out today seem to be excellent, though. They are about as close to "real hair" as you could get, you can wear them for a few months (in the shower, to swim, etc.) before replacing them or even taking them off, from what I understand. Yes, it will cost you.. but if it's important, then you find a way to pay for it. They also look very real, from what I've seen, since they are often made from human hair or a mix of human and synthetic.

Not to downplay any of the OPs feeling's -- goodness, no. Not having my own head of hair is one of the saddest disappointments of my life, I think. But again, it is just the hand I have been dealt. So either I let it be a roadblock, or I find a way to accept it and find happiness. Hair is ultimately just hair.

I usually am the most messed-up when I have to keep facing the people I'm hurting by pursuing this route, because I never wanted them to have to suffer for me to be happy. My darkest nights usually happen when I feel like someone gets hurt no matter what I do, and I don't see a way around it. But if you have got people who love you and support you and stick by you, well, the hair issue can be dealt with even if it's not the ideal outcome.

I hope you can research some alternatives and work through the crushing disappointment to see what positives you can still find in life regardless. There will be some things you cannot fix perfectly, but happiness is partly a commitment to finding it.

Quote from: Hypatia on December 25, 2007, 01:38:39 PM
Like Beth, what kept me from killing myself was a sense of some benevolent spiritual power sustaining my existence. I had to experience my worst rock bottom of despair before I found that something at the core of my being would not quit being positive. From there I rebuilt myself hopefully stronger than before. Beth found Jesus, for me the experience was of the Goddess, but I think a spiritual insight could be interpreted any number of ways, depending on what's meaningful to an individual. It could have been just the built-in self-preservation instinct of my own being, whatever that is. What matters is that you find something that keeps you going.

Beautiful!

I so TOTALLY agree with this. The top of my journal says, "Faith. Trust. Believe," as I KNOW this is what I was meant to do. It's not just a "medical condition" for me, and never has been. It's the seed which became me, and which has always guided and coloured everything I do and see. I *am* GID, or whatever you want to call it. It's my diety, my raison d'etre.

And finally accepting that, finally just surrenduring to and embracing my destiny is what gives me the strength and fanatical determination to Just Keep Going. Every time I encountered what seemed like a frustrating and hopeless roadblock, it ALWAYS ended up being a necessary course-correction. Every situation which seemed impossible to face, ended up being a wonderfully validating spiritual experience. I KNOW I'm being guided, helped, taught and shown miracles... and my "mission" is to notice and appreciate every last drop of it.

But without that faith... I don't think I'd make it.

~Kate~

I too have scars on my left wrist from one of my first serious attempt in 94 when i was first diagnois with GID.

My last attempt was in 2003.

A presence came and said "your not going to die" i remember being defiant. Lonliness and despair descended on me. (They worse i ever felt). That drove me to go to an AA meeting. I wanted to die around people and not like a dog on the freeway.

Something happened. I'm still here 4 years later.

I have MPB and im on HRT. Planning on getting a Lace front wig for my bald spot. Planning on Living as a Woman. I have great hope to be just me. ROBIN..

Quote from: Robin_p on December 31, 2007, 07:32:46 PM
I too have scars on my left wrist from one of my first serious attempt in 94 when i was first diagnois with GID.

My last attempt was in 2003.

A presence came and said "your not going to die" i remember being defiant. Lonliness and despair descended on me. (They worse i ever felt). That drove me to go to an AA meeting. I wanted to die around people and not like a dog on the freeway.

Something happened. I'm still here 4 years later.

I have MPB and im on HRT. Planning on getting a Lace front wig for my bald spot. Planning on Living as a Woman. I have great hope to be just me. ROBIN..

when my time comes, i think i could really go for dying "like a dog on the freeway."

though, because i have a few loved ones, i suppose i couldn't really do that. they get in the way of everything!

Quote from: ell on December 31, 2007, 08:03:20 PM

Quote from: Robin_p on December 31, 2007, 07:32:46 PM
I too have scars on my left wrist from one of my first serious attempt in 94 when i was first diagnois with GID.

My last attempt was in 2003.

A presence came and said "your not going to die" i remember being defiant. Lonliness and despair descended on me. (They worse i ever felt). That drove me to go to an AA meeting. I wanted to die around people and not like a dog on the freeway.

Something happened. I'm still here 4 years later.

I have MPB and im on HRT. Planning on getting a Lace front wig for my bald spot. Planning on Living as a Woman. I have great hope to be just me. ROBIN..

when my time comes, i think i could really go for dying "like a dog on the freeway."

though, because i have a few loved ones, i suppose i couldn't really do that. they get in the way of everything!

Good Luck with that. There is a lot of pain involved right before that moment. Maybe it will turn out like it did for me.  Hugs,