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Deborah:
Okay, we're about the same age so we can understand each other as contemporaries.
Good for you to not rush when you are still not certain - you can always undo the reversible but not the irreversible.
You posted that you were certain at age 15 - an age when I already was 'scheming' how to transition though I had no idea about definitions nor the hows considering I resided at a small town that had its sole purpose as a bedroom community and civilian population to a remote military base.
I, too, dressed but did not consider it 'cross-dressing'; I wore my older sister's clothes since age 3 - both privately and publicly. I am female and I wear what females wear in my culture.
My parents were divorced when I was in early elementary school. Later (as I began my 7th Grade) when my sister went to live with our mom and I was retained by my dad, that allowed me to come home from school during lunch and change clothes while I ate; I resumed after school and evenings (my dad did not come home from work until after my bed-time). I took my dogs for a walk in the evening dressed in my sister's clothes; I have no idea whether the neighbours saw me as my male predecessor, or as my sister, or as Sharon because they did not approach me. That ended when we moved to Europe when I was in 10th Grade; my dad read me the riot act if I dared too much feminine protesting overseas. My long hair became our quiet, un-spoken confrontation.
I tried some serious suicide as a child - they were among my life's biggest failures, obviously. Plus, I saw several school-mates (including Paul, Terry, Kim, John) from elementary through high school, succeed and I gradually realised that I did not want to be among them. I did try a few times later but they were more or less half-hearted transitory efforts during lulls in my successfull transition or when I failed to see the long view of the big picture how life was right in front of me and in my grasp. One idea, the last, was when I was post-GCS and I thought now would be a great time for my family to collect my corpse and find Sharon rather than my male predecessor; then I realised no one would come for the body anyway so there was no point to that idea. Why would I choose suicide when I achieved what I wanted for a lifetime?
I recently had a short-term association with a gender counsellor who is F-M. He was great, one of the best I have had in my long string since 1978, and I'm likely to go back every once in a while. Yes, Deborah, he knows how a transsexual feels.
My self identity is female - I am a woman. It matters not what I wear. For 'dressing', I do not need to get all 'dolled up'. I am female totally naked in my female body as well as wearing sleepwear, jeans and a sweatshirt, or a skirt / dress outfit. I rarely use face make-up except for times when I want to make an impression; even then it is subdued to just a hint.
You are self-satisfied, calm, at peace with yourself, lacking identity crisis. Your three factors, to me anyway, tell me that you are here. Sometimes life's results are not all sudden, Earth-shattering jolts with a bang; transition does not require fanfare and a big parade. Many moments and events are but a mere whisper and a soft breeze, they take over gradually and imperceptively; we do not see them right before our eyes because we are in them, and they are us.
You wrote that you expected a quick timeline. Look at mine - 11 years; not that I ever had indecision, that's how long it took as an adult and that's not considering since age 3 when I first recognised something was different inside my persona. 'Fear'? I, too, was filled with fears of all the possibilities. But all those possibilities do not happen, only one happens and I decided on each one as they came along and I advanced one step at a time at my pace.
Regrets? Only that I did not take advantage to do things better. Hey, transition is mostly a one-shot deal as each act is as losing your virginity - it happens only once, you get one chance at each point, you take it, and you move on. You can only do a 'first time' one time.
My biggest regret was not taking advantage of my 'male fail' when it began; I would have been at least two years ahead of where I eventually landed and would have forced my employer to make a different decision as they began the process to fire me as a F-M transsexual ('We can't have that here,' my supervisor told me). I did not take this opportunity because my counsellor was a novice in transsexuals; I was residing at Utah, was his first, and he told me that I was the only one around.
You wrote that people identify you as female and that you are pleased when people call you 'Miss' because it fits your identity even when you attempt to present as male and when you dress in male attire. That, Deborah, is another sign you are there; your 'male fail' same as I recognise it when it happened to me during my last two years or so of transition. Well, actually, I wore what I considered uni-sex female attire - jeans, tops, etc. As my appearance re-feminised, that uni-sex female attire re-inforced my female presentation rather than allow me to cover it in my own self-perception. Looking back, people around me who worked with me for years no longer saw my male predecessor but saw the female me yet I was unaware of that 'male fail' in me. Perhaps the final clue for me as 'male' was when I was in a men's room a man entered, saw me, addressed me as 'Miss', and quickly departed thinking he saw a woman in the men's room.
There is a late stage I call 'Passing the 'Passing' Test' - a vague period during late transition when you may or may not be full-time, or part-time, or no time at all, and others now perceive you as you are and not as you were. It's somewhere around 'male fail' for M-F. Once you get beyond PPT and 'male fail', that is the stage that preceeds when you are now female (or male as the case may be to our F-M friends) and you are essentially done. You may have had your final epiphany or it may not happen for years; I was ingrained such that it took another decade to finally flush out traces of the old.
Your web-site picture is clearly that of an attractive woman. I still see female of you in your car.
So if you see yourself as non-binary, then that is who you are. Unless that bothers you, go for it.
Maybe I do recognise you; of course I'm hanging out here at Susan's enjoying the topics and posts and adding my two cents worth of cyber space with our fellow travellers.
Gee, 1000 words. I thought you were just getting started. I am wide awake, not growing tired, and could read more of your story.
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iKate:
To your point I fully agree. I do not awake for the day and consciously ask myself if I am female. My being IS female, 'I AM', and that's all there is to it. I look back to before I attained adulthood and officially began transition, I now see that people perceived me as female by my presence and they abused me for it because I tried presenting as a male that did not fit my presence.
I had an experience yesterday at the department store. I saw a woman whose hair-style looked fabulous. I took a few minutes asking her about it and where she got it done - maybe I would try it. While I am a bit fluid in my orientation, my sole interest was her hair style.
Good luck and the best to you as you pursue your FFS. I think you look fine but it is you who must make that ultimate decision. I can't wait to see the new you. Keep us up-to-date of your progress.
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JoanneB:
You second the point about transition, ERT, and advancing. ERT is a sign that we passed an initial medical review, we passed an initial psychological review, and passed another medical review through an internist or endocrinologist, who sends us back for additional counselling. ERT cements the fact that we made one more step on a journey no matter whether we continue stepping forward or taking an occasional step backward.
Our therapists and physicians help us become aware that yes we are at peace with our self, we accept who we are, we overcome any guilt foisted upon us by outsiders, and we find our calm.
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Cindy:
Thank you for re-opening this thread. It bears discussion; I hope my words make a postitive contribution to this.
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