I'm sure some of you will relate to this. Its been 18 years since my divorce. She couldn't see me as a man, even though she knew I was a transgender two weeks into dating. Two years of living together and seven of marriage. part of it is my own failure to admit what was going on and stop making excuses for her comments.

Anyway, I find that even after all this time, I can't seem to leave the anger behind and regain enough trust to start again. At 52, I'm not that old, and I miss not having someone to grow old with. I have some fairly serious health issues, but its really the distrust that is holding me back.

I've thought about counseling, but can't find someone who will work pro bono and my insurance doesn't cover it. I barely make enough to pay for my insurance, which, with the number of meds I'm on and bloodwork every three months, I can't give up.

Has anyone found themselves in this position? If so, how did you deal with it? Every time I think I'm over it and have forgiven her, I find that there is still feelings of anger and guilt. I have a grown son in college, and he was almost three when I asked for the divorce. For the first three years after the divorce I had a good job and had no trouble making the  child support payments. When my health went and my income dropped to less than half of what it had been, I continued to pay the same amount against my lawyer's advice with the understanding that the extra was for his college tuition. When he was ready to enter college, my ex admitted that she had spent the extra on herself. Over the years, that extra amounted to over $20,000. During my years in college, we both lived on my student loans, but I'm left having to pay them back myself.

Sorry, that was a little long. Any advice from like minded souls?

sam1234

Speaking from my own experience it is better to turn the energy of that anger into something more productive that will make you a happier, more successful person. How anyone does that is, I guess, a matter for them but the bottom line is that anger and resentment just hold you back from being yourself and moving on. The simplest thing I've found is to thank them - you don't have to do it to their face. Just say "Thank you, X". I use this every time I feel the anger and hate build about certain @$$holes from my past - yeah they did something that really hurt me but I found a way to move on and be better than them, so thank you @$$holes, I'm happy with where I am in my life right now and I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

I had some bad things happen to me when I was young. I still have dreams of it. I use to think of it several times a day when my mind was tired and I had some free time. I did gestalt therapy and that helped. I forgave them and  that helped. Still, they were there. I realized that I would always ask why and how could they. For each of the three people I came up with a reason. That really helped. Every time it comes to mind I bring into the thought the reason. Dreams, although infrequent, are of the actions and I am defenseless. There are no reasons and alternate endings, just actions.

You are hurt and only you can free the negative energy that has a hold on you. Nothing positive can come reliving the pain or questioning why or how could they. You need to find a way to free yourself of the pain.

I'm angry at many people in general lately. I used to believe in loyalty (I still do), put great faith in friendships, and in being a good person. I supported family members (some of whom are abominable people) because of their troubled pasts, but they still don't care about me and see me as some kind of tool for them to use or are just outright disrespectful; friendships I spend years cultivating just fall away because the other people can't be bothered to stay in touch - even with all the "amazing new technology" that makes staying in touch as easy as breathing... and relationships - whew. How I helped those people when no-one else would, only for them to turn around and not have 5 minutes to listen to my issues, or even just to "be there" for me as a supportive or romantic figure. To be loved by someone the way they want or think they should love isn't necessarily to be loved in a way that is at all good for you. It's been a long and painful lesson to realize NONE of these people are good for me. They actually harm my health with how stressful they make life.

So yeah, I understand the distrust, and anger. I don't feel any more that I will find the time or the energy to bother again getting close to someone in the way that I require - i.e. a careful process of establishing trust. Nobody's ever managed to "screw me over", but I'm wary of it all the same and just feel like my last relationships were wasted time and tears. Only to realize perhaps I am better off alone, even though I'd rather not be.

To deal with it, well, I've set myself some aspirations to achieve. One thing I always wanted to do which relationships always prevented was to go live in a certain country, learn the language fluently, and experience it properly, as a working person, not a tourist. Perhaps stay for life if I like it (there's nothing keeping me here where I am, that's for sure). Continue my art business over there while doing a different sort of job - maybe teaching, for a change; learn a new culture, traditions, change my name... start over with a different life. Sounds big but I'm already on the road, getting my qualification that'll allow me to do it. I'm not all that young, either, but where there's a will there's a way. Even if I don't manage it I need the goal.

I find with so much to do and look forward to in that way, I'm not bothered about being by myself. Maybe I'll meet someone out there who'll be different. But hopefully I'll be content enough following my dream and not needing someone.

So, maybe take your mind off it by setting a goal. Do something you always wanted to do. Why not? Really ask it. Why not. And why does happiness have to revolve around a romantic partner. There is a lot of life to be lived without being joined at the hip. I notice that I found romantic partners in life when I was never really looking for them. I was busy doing other things, and they found me then. So take care of the other things you need and they'll likely take care of you.

Sometimes months go by where I think I'm over it, then it hits again. I get the dreams. One recurring dream I have is that for some reason I have agreed to try the marriage again and realize that I'm going to have to go through all of the mess again.

Part of the reason it has come up again is that my ex and her fiancé have bought a nice house in the country in an expensive area. She has been dating the guy for years, and I've always told myself that I hope she is happy now and has what she wants. Its not so much that they have the new house as it is that I took her emotional abuse for all those years, tried to be gracious and be a good father, and now, while I have no financial or family security and am losing ground physically, she has a family, financial security etc. I know its not true, but I feel like I've been punished for trying to do the right thing, while she is rewarded for going out of her way to make my life miserable. Anyone who has gotten a divorce and has kids knows that you can't just walk away from the marriage cleanly.

I just want to put it behind me. When I catch myself thinking bad things about her, I catch myself and remind myself that its over and I need to move on. Its easier said than done though. When you divorce and there is a kid, if they move out of state, you lose the option of making any decisions that regard their lives. We had always agreed that we would tell our son that he was an AI baby. I don't know if he knows that or not.

I guess I thought I'd be over it by now. My son will turn 21 at the end of the year. Until he was 18, I would get at least three letters a year from my ex either blaming me for something or asking for more money. I suppose the fact that the contact was prolonged has something to do with it. When you have a kid far away and get a letter from the mother, you have to open the letter because it could be important.

sam1234

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 06, 2015, 05:07:08 PM
Speaking from my own experience it is better to turn the energy of that anger into something more productive that will make you a happier, more successful person.

This is important. Someone explained emotions to me (especially negative ones) as comparable to a room you´re in, with the light switch turned off. As long as you are in the emotion itself, it´s going to be hard to see what´s outside the room.

Quote from: sam1234 on December 07, 2015, 08:11:36 PMI just want to put it behind me. When I catch myself thinking bad things about her, I catch myself and remind myself that its over and I need to move on.

Yep. But (and this is my opinion) in order to move through certain emotions you need to process them somehow. I´ve made the mistake in the past of trying to box my negative emotions and shoving them somewhere in my subconscious - it didn´t go well, they tend to come back up eventually. Counseling would be a good option, does your insurance not cover any type of counseling?

The dream seems to indicate that you want to solve the problem. Otherwise (in the dream) you wouldn´t agree to the marriage again - we tend to repeat things so we can process them.

Forgive yourself. You acknowledge all the things that went wrong. All you can do is deal with what's in front of you. There's a lot of life ahead of you, and good things at that. Anger and bitterness will only blind you to that reality. Keep us posted on your progress.

My insurance does not cover counseling. I've looked in the area for pro bono or cost adjusted therapists, but there aren't any. Its kind of a mess because I can't change insurance policies. Mine was purchased years ago, and with Obama care, my policy is no longer offered. Since I already had it, it was grandfathered in, but if I drop it, I can't get it back. With all my health problems and medications, its the only one I've found that will cover all my needs. That being said, it is $1,000 a month out of pocket. Since I can only get into work one half day a week, that is my entire month's wages. (If I didn't own the business, I'd be out of work). I've been looking into Medicaid, but it may not cover what I need it to.

I used to take long walks to work out my feelings, and that is no longer possible. Forgiving myself is something I have to work on. I've always tended to take the blame for everything, and part of the anger is directed at myself. Why didn't I listen to my instincts that my ex wasn't going to come around, why didn't I call off the wedding the night before when I had serious doubts.................on and on.

When I first transitioned, it was like being reborn. My self esteem rocketed, I got my life in order and started to be more of an extrovert etc. When I look back, its like the seven years of constant passive aggressive abuse beat that back down an inch at a time. I have never regretted my decision to transition, and would rather die than go back to being a female, but all that pent up crap has done a number on me. In the summer, I go for long wheel chair "runs", and that helps some. They do make wheelchair rollers for indoors, but they run over $1,000.

I do believe that it is never too late to fix things in your life that aren't as they should be. I guess I'm still a work in progress.

sam1234

I realized quite early on that therapists or counselors could not do anything for me, because I wanted action. I wanted my life and its scenery to change, not to be told everything wasn't as bad as all that, or forgive myself. So I don't think they're worth the money if you desire things to happen for the better rather than just to be told things. That can only come from you taking small steps forward now with the intent to get yourself out of the rut.

Anger really is a destructive emotion, but mostly to the person feeling it. It's kind of like a disease that alters one's mind state, a bit like how love can do as well... make you do and say crazy things. Plus unlike love, anger really isn't worth the bother most of the time. You won't get anything from it, other than to feel worse and worse yourself. I feel the same recently toward my mother. She basically ignores me like I don't exist, and the context of my anger is that I feel everything she does and says is unfair. I supported her emotionally all my life, she doesn't think she needs to support me; I tried to understand her, she flat out refuses to try to understand me; she makes excuses for her drunken violent behavior but thinks everyone around her should accept it. I've wanted to put her head through the wall quite a few times lately as she's become more and more offensive and brat-like but - it just isn't worth it. I just have to accept she's a selfish, sadistic individual who cannot see past her own nose and never will. I will never have the family I want, or be loved by her. She probably never wanted me as a child. Life is cruel. This took a LOT of accepting and it was difficult to do, primarily because she raised me with a sense of fairness, and mutual respect, and all those things she now contradicts. But after finally deciding I've had enough and she's like a cancer to let into my brain, I feel better for letting go. Most of my angst came from the fact I felt mistreated. Well, I can start not being mistreated right now by not associating with her anymore or letting her get into my head. I said to myself "I have no mother" a few times, let it sink in, and I do feel better about it lately. I don't dwell on it. It sucks, but hell, what am I missing? Not much. Not much except the imaginary ideal in my head that she wasn't living up to.

You will just have to let go of that anger at some point and move on. You'll feel better.

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I have done much the same as others posted - I forgave and moved on.  Forgiveness cleared my conscience knowing that I did everything I could and knowing that only through their own effort will they change.

Both parents are deceased refusing to know the real me.

Most immediate and extended (adopting) family are elderly now - those who knew me both 'before' and 'after'.  My sister disowned me and refuses to correspond with me; I don't care, I send postal letters to her anyway but don't hold my breath for her replies.  As Grace posted, I certainly have this better life that I have now without them in it to drag me down.

Having no known biological family nor any adopting family in my life puts that 'alone in the world' feeling into reality.  The loneliness hurts to the core, but I learned as a youth that I always have had one 'best friend' - my 'self'.  She has been with me for 59 years, I trust her with my life, and she is the only person who will never leave me. 

Have you tried a local government-based or non-profit counselling program - sometimes they are run through your county health system and charge on a sliding scale.  I had that during pre-op, peri-op, and occasionally now and it is affordable.  Are you eligible for MediCare?  There is an Obamacare program that pays for my meds and my monthly MediCare charge as a low-income household.

Sounds as though we had the same issue setting up a college fund.  During my better days, I gave $10.000 each to my nephew and niece when they were born.  That money was to provide for a college fund.  I obligated both my sister and her husband to secure that money in a protected, designated college fund account.  So much for their assurances; my sister wrote to me more than seven years ago and admitted they spent it all and had no money for their children's college.  The onus for that loss was on them, not on me.

TKGW:  I am an American who resided at Greece during 10th Grade and 11th Grade when my dad taught at an American international school.  I learned Greek and European cultures and spoke more than 10 languages.  There's your teaching possibility - teach at an international school where you'll meet other teachers and students from around the world.

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