I was wondering how you all deal with ignorance when you run into it?

I'm pre-transition and so no one of course knows I'm trans, some people do comment on the more feminine displays such as my jewelry or painted toes, but no one knows.

The only person I've told is my wife, and she's not really supportive. 

So the other day we're over her friend/hairdresser's house.  She had on Keeping up with the Kardashians.  A show I never watch, but it's her TV so whatever goes.  She was talking about the women's styles on the show and had commented on Caitlyn Jenner and how she received FFS.

My wife follows that with a comment of "some people take it way too far", which really bothered/bothers me, probably more than it should.  I didn't say anything, let it go, because there wasn't much I could say that wouldn't out me, or cause a scene, and with the kids there (my daughters, 6 & 3, and the friend's sons, 7 & 4) it just wasn't the time.

I find it's still weighing on my mind, and I'm really trying to let it go, but having difficulty.  I'm not in a great mental space the past few days anyway, so it's not helping.

I would have countered with "how far is too far"? Just because one person does something does not mean everyone does it and if it's available, then why not? People have taken advantage of surgeons for almost every type of surgery so why not do what one wants to look how one wants?

For truly ignorant people, there's no educating them no matter what you say.

Love,
Clare

I wouldnt take it to heart, my wifes said sone thing that at first knd of offended me.

But now we joke about it openly in our house and it makes it a much more comfortable subject to talk about in general.

Humor can be therapeutic laugh it off and move on, everyone has their own perception especially when it comes to elective surgery.

~Shan~

Tommi
You have such a journey ahead of you if you decide to transition.  One filled with a lot of learning.. mostly about ourselves...and then we always want to know.. why? 
I have come to the point that I just AM... who I AM. 
You will run into two different types, the willfully ignorant.. don't even try.. they will never understand and they don't want to.. for many reasons.
Then you run into the ignorant.. not that they are dumb.. they just don't know a thing about it.. and thats ok
I like to be open and honest with them.. more than some trans people .. but I like to answer questions..  because.. I have all the answers except.. how did this happen.

You will too.  You know how you feel, how you have felt.  Therapy will help you so much.
Your wife is losing the dude.. nothing you can do to make her like it.. she never will.. even if she loves you and you maintain a relationship.. My ex whom I love dearly and she loves me cries every week.. we both do.
The main thing to do is not take it personally if someone does not get it.. or is unwilling to let go of who you were.  In time you can learn this.. but for me.. I found it my challenge to get validation from others.   I do not do that now.. in fact I distance myself from anyone who makes me feel bad.
Good luck... Your young..that is on your side.. and as far as the kids go... they will be ok.. despite what others may say.
Keri

Unfortunately / fortunately (depending on what way you take it) everyone is truly unique and has their own opinions about things. Think of something you really disgusted by, someone else might think its perfectly normal, it varies from person to person.

I would say I don't mind ignorant people as long as they don't try to belittle me / harass me or I don't lose out because of someone's ignorance, if that is the case then that annoys me but at the same time thats just the way things go.

If it was my family member it would be different, of course I don't expect my family to just instantly accept it, though they actually kind of did, but I would expect them to still support me.

Short answer, how do I deal with ignorance? Try to educate them, if not then ignore them

Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on December 09, 2015, 02:11:53 PM
Tommi
You have such a journey ahead of you if you decide to transition.  One filled with a lot of learning.. mostly about ourselves...and then we always want to know.. why? 
I have come to the point that I just AM... who I AM. 
You will run into two different types, the willfully ignorant.. don't even try.. they will never understand and they don't want to.. for many reasons.
Then you run into the ignorant.. not that they are dumb.. they just don't know a thing about it.. and thats ok
I like to be open and honest with them.. more than some trans people .. but I like to answer questions..  because.. I have all the answers except.. how did this happen.

You will too.  You know how you feel, how you have felt.  Therapy will help you so much.
Your wife is losing the dude.. nothing you can do to make her like it.. she never will.. even if she loves you and you maintain a relationship.. My ex whom I love dearly and she loves me cries every week.. we both do.
The main thing to do is not take it personally if someone does not get it.. or is unwilling to let go of who you were.  In time you can learn this.. but for me.. I found it my challenge to get validation from others.   I do not do that now.. in fact I distance myself from anyone who makes me feel bad.
Good luck... Your young..that is on your side.. and as far as the kids go... they will be ok.. despite what others may say.
Keri

Keri,

I worry more about my 16 yr old son than the two girls.  I think they would be very accepting, but he, much less so.   

And I truly wish I had tried to face this truth earlier, when I was younger.  I don't feel very young at 41. 

Tommi,
I get it.. he will have a hard time dealing with it.. I am 56 or 57 cant remember lol.. anyway, my son is 30 and he misses his Dad.. but he wants me in their lives.. and he gets it now.. he was one of the first in the family to truly get it.. he did research.. he also see's and dislikes all the hatred out there.. he may surprise you one day..
Keri

Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on December 09, 2015, 02:44:58 PM
Tommi,
I get it.. he will have a hard time dealing with it.. I am 56 or 57 cant remember lol.. anyway, my son is 30 and he misses his Dad.. but he wants me in their lives.. and he gets it now.. he was one of the first in the family to truly get it.. he did research.. he also see's and dislikes all the hatred out there.. he may surprise you one day..
Keri

Now I'm crying. 

Thank you all for your comments and help, and most of all your support and acceptance.

Oh, I hope I did not upset you ...I know how hard this is.. just get the right therapy.. and take your time. Its not your fault you feel this way.. you are not alone.  There is nothing to be ashamed about. 
Keri

Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on December 09, 2015, 03:33:48 PM
Oh, I hope I did not upset you ...I know how hard this is.. just get the right therapy.. and take your time. Its not your fault you feel this way.. you are not alone.  There is nothing to be ashamed about. 
Keri

No, I was already upset!  It just touched me that maybe there is hope with my son where I don't believe any lies.

Therapy for sure. Unfortunately it seems like careless comments of that sort come from all sides at some point. It generally is a communication of the person's own insecurity.

Could it be that your wife senses some of your feminine leanings (nail polish etc.) and is strategically dropping comments like that in order to see your reaction or keep you in the box?

The good news is that the more you become your authentic self, you are often more able to deal with that sort of thing and let it go. Also, i have found for every person that is insensitive or dumb, 2 or 3 are supportive.

Tommi
I want to share what my son wrote.. after I had been transitioning for awhile.. he has since finished it in color..

PM me anytime..

What David wrote..:

I drew for you. I haven't done any artwork like this in at least 10 years so my skills aren't perfect, but this is my representation of your struggle and strength to go fourth with your transition. To me it represents hiding and turmoil in the middle like a black hole in your soul hiding, but then keeps courageously reaching out to the outside wanting to find peace and beauty. So then you finally get out to sunlight and bud into a flower, but sometimes the flower dies when you were unsure about budding. But then there are the seeds in your soul you can't deny so they grow and won't let you deny them anymore and become buds. More buds and flowers are created until you turn into a new flower and embody the person you really are inside. If I completed this drawing to show your whole transition there would be really nice pretty flowers all around it but I felt it was more important in this case just to show your struggle and strength because this large part of your life should be recognized as a reminder of how hard you fought for it. I'm proud to be your son and I love you so much.

Quote from: RobynD on December 09, 2015, 03:57:54 PM
Therapy for sure. Unfortunately it seems like careless comments of that sort come from all sides at some point. It generally is a communication of the person's own insecurity.

Could it be that your wife senses some of your feminine leanings (nail polish etc.) and is strategically dropping comments like that in order to see your reaction or keep you in the box?

The good news is that the more you become your authentic self, you are often more able to deal with that sort of thing and let it go. Also, i have found for every person that is insensitive or dumb, 2 or 3 are supportive.

Robyn,

Throughout the years, (almost 20 years together) she has known of my feminine tendencies.  I've strictly worn panties for most of the years we've been together, I shave my legs, pits, and groin religiously, and my chest and arms at times when I can't stand it, and I've told her of my other crossdressing in the past as a child/teen.  On a number of occasions she has accused me of wanting to be a woman, which I always denied.  However, she doesn't really approve of anything noticeable by others, such as my jewelry as of late, or my toe nail polish, or shaving my arms and chest.  She says I keep pushing the envelope.

I finally accepted the truth, that I am trans, at her demanding I acknowledge it.  However, with that, she says if I want to live as a woman I will lose her and likely the kids.  So I can "compromise" which means staying within her comfort zone, and keep the status quo, or I can rock the boat, and likely lose everything.

IMO, the comment regarding "going to far" is a reflection of what she feels I am doing, and/or will do.

Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on December 09, 2015, 03:59:58 PM
Tommi
I want to share what my son wrote.. after I had been transitioning for awhile.. he has since finished it in color..

PM me anytime..

What David wrote..:

I drew for you. I haven't done any artwork like this in at least 10 years so my skills aren't perfect, but this is my representation of your struggle and strength to go fourth with your transition. To me it represents hiding and turmoil in the middle like a black hole in your soul hiding, but then keeps courageously reaching out to the outside wanting to find peace and beauty. So then you finally get out to sunlight and bud into a flower, but sometimes the flower dies when you were unsure about budding. But then there are the seeds in your soul you can't deny so they grow and won't let you deny them anymore and become buds. More buds and flowers are created until you turn into a new flower and embody the person you really are inside. If I completed this drawing to show your whole transition there would be really nice pretty flowers all around it but I felt it was more important in this case just to show your struggle and strength because this large part of your life should be recognized as a reminder of how hard you fought for it. I'm proud to be your son and I love you so much.

That is beautiful and touching.  Thank you for sharing that with me/us. 

Tommi that makes perfect sense and i am sorry she is reacting that way. Less than ignorance, it is her willful communication of what her desires/limits are in her world. Sometimes people hide these things in talk that sounds ignorant.

People saying things like "nobody would put up this" or " what do you expect me to do?" are ways of letting themselves off the hook. As though their reaction to all of this is the only viable one. But as you point out it is her life, and her choice on how to live it.

Therapy can be invaluable for all. Sometimes people learn in therapy that their reaction to things and their attempts at manipulating outcomes are not the only viable and workable strategies, and that new ones help everyone move forward.

i deal with it by educating. It feels like sometimes im always educating people. but it has to be done

The best way I've found to deal with any pointed questions, and off colored comments is with grace, a touch of wit, and always with a smile. It's difficult to rebut anything that you reply with if you're seemingly unphased by them. They will either get infuriated and look like an ass, or they'll quickly lose interest when their closed mind struggles to keep up with the conversation. Either way, never let them see you sweat it, and you'll always win.

Ask yourself; What would Audrey Hepburn do?

Initially I would challenge everyone on FB who posted the transphobic stuff but lately I pick my battles and just deal with people close to me.

Quote from: iKate on December 10, 2015, 01:16:07 PM
Initially I would challenge everyone on FB who posted the transphobic stuff but lately I pick my battles and just deal with people close to me.

This is so important Kate..glad you brought that up.. there are plenty of haters out there.. we could wallow in pity all day long if we just google something negative about trans people...and see the hate.
My son see's it and it hurts him and he is my son..
Good point girl.
Keri