My name is Ashley, or at least I want it to be. I really need to be able to get my thoughts out, so I'm sorry if my beginning posts are a little long. I'll break it up into smaller posts so I can come back to it and continue when I'm able. Here goes nothing.

On the outside, I'm a 36 year old masculine male, married to a cis female in a hetero relationship that has lasted 8 years, no children. I've only just come to figure out that the negative self image, sense on non-existence, dissatisfaction with seeing my picture or hearing my voice, and just general feeling of numbness toward life that I've carried with me for 30 years is a form of dysphoria. I've been questioning my sexuality and masculinity for 20 years but always just assumed it was a by product of fetish and porn use, accompanied by the usual acquire/purge cycles. It was the strongest ever this past year, culminating in my wife finding my Trans porn, sex toys, and pics of me in lingerie/wig/makeup.

Once that happened, I panicked, blamed it on porn addiction, and began convincing myself, my wife, and my therapist (who I don't care for and is ineffective) that I'm straight and happy being in a monogamous marriage. That lasted for a month until familiar feelings crept back, but I was finally ready to explore them for real. The more I delved, the more I figured out that I'm straight alright, it's just that I'm a woman and I like cis men. So I'm here, and need lots of advice. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, happy all at the same time! I think life finally makes sense, and it's right over there, but that last bit of the journey is terrifying! That's enough for now, thanks for listening.

Welcome to Susan's Place. Often when I read initial post I have a pretty clear idea why a person is coming here but you your case it's a little bit cloudy. I think you are at the right site but it's not clear where I should tell you to look so I will give you the basic lecture. There are two questions you need to answer and the only important one is the first one.

1. Gender identity - who do you want to go to bed as.
2. Sexual Preference - who do you want to go to bed with.

These two questions are not related and there are 8 different combinations. The first question has two basic answers but some people for reasons you may latter learn are unable to answer it.

The second question can be answered man, woman, both or neither.

I am a very post surgical transexual but how I answered the second question had no bearing on if I should receive surgery. By the way, my answer to the second question was neither.

You need to see a gender therapist who will help you sort this out, but for now, go to youtube and request "the transition channel". This is a series of videos that may help you understand your feelings so you can better explain them.

Feel free to post any questions you might have on this thread and I will respond to them as soon as possible.

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Hi Ashley 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hope you can get yourself sorted

Hugs

V M

Hi Ashley, and welcome. I hope you find some comfort and fellowship here.  Are you still seeing the therapist?  A good therapist can be a real godsend, a bad one can be very frustrating.  You may want to consider seeing someone who specializes in this area. 

Quote from: Dayta on December 10, 2015, 08:22:14 AM
Are you still seeing the therapist?  A good therapist can be a real godsend, a bad one can be very frustrating.  You may want to consider seeing someone who specializes in this area.

^^ this!

A good gender therapist is worth their weight in gold while a bad therapist can do irreparable harm - it is always better to work with a therapist that has experience and insight into our special needs. A good therapist can and will advise and help you through the inevitable bumps that will come in your transition.

Susan's is an invaluable community - there are lots of resources and years of accumulated wisdom here. Please feel free to ask questions and look around the forum and make yourself at home 

Hello Ashley-Marie;

In the beginning I think we have a lot of confusion as to where we want or need to go on our journey or even who we are at times.

It isn't easy trying to sort these things out ourselves and you have come to the right place. I don't think anyone will try to "brain wash" you to become who you are because it isn't for everyone nor does everyone need to transition to find themselves.

A gender therapist has been mentioned by others. A very good starting point because as I have said, sorting things out is difficult and sometimes we need help in doing that. No shame in seeing a therapist, I've done it. It sure helps!


There is a section on here for family members to post and look over. Maybe that might be of help to tem to try and understand things a bit better?

All the best to you.

Love,
Clare

Aww, thank you so much everyone, you're all really sweet! I'm really glad I'm here and finally talking about these feelings in a positive light.

I agree that therapy is really important, I've been contacting a gender therapist, and I meet with her next week so that's exciting. It's tricky though, because there are complications. I'm on my wife's insurance, so she would see any new claim that was made. I feel it would seem suspicious to change therapists, especially to one that specializes in gender and Trans issues, so I made up an excuse to not see my old therapist for a few weeks, let the new one know this plan, and pay cash for a couple of sessions just to get started. I wish that I would have more fully realized these things about myself when my wife caught me. I could have admitted them to her then, ripped the band-aid off so to speak, and moved on. I was scared and confused, and I do care for her emotionally, so I said what I had to to maintain status quo.

Dena, thank you, those are some insightful points. Introspection isn't really a strength of mine, but I need it now more than ever. The truth is that the thought of being a female is one of the most comforting thoughts I've ever had. These past couple of weeks when I've been putting the pieces together, this is the happiest I've been been that I can remember. I actually want to wake up in the morning, because I know I'll learn even more about myself. The reality of my current situation and how difficult it will be creeps in, but it doesn't feel as bad as finally discovering my true self feels good. I do know how different sexuality and gender are, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate otherwise. I guess for me, in my situation with my wife, I feel it's important to talk about, because while digging deep to recognize my gender difference I'm also discovering that I buried my sexuality as well. I don't know that I could to stay in this relationship even if she would be accepting of my womanhood (she wouldn't).

Enough for now, sorry it's so long!

No insult taken. Often I don't know exactly what a first poster knows so I provide belt and suspender information so I have the maximum impact in the first post. Some people are ready to come unglued and they need information fast. Other have done a fair amount of research but don't provide enough information for me to feel where they are.

As for you staying together, the odds run about 50/50. The best way to preserve the relationship is to come out as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more it will damage the relationship. Even if the relationship won't stay together, there is the friendship that may remain afterwards. Couple separate but still encourage each other in their new life. I don't have a clue what will happen with you wife, but burn as few bridges as possible.

Hello:)
I'm a SO (or I was) feel free to read my posts. I agree with Dena to come out to your wife and be as honest as possible, with respecting all parties feelings. Good luck:)


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Hi Ashley and welcome!!

Wise words:

Quote from: Dena on December 12, 2015, 06:58:26 PM
The best way to preserve the relationship is to come out as soon as you can. The longer you wait, the more it will damage the relationship. Even if the relationship won't stay together, there is the friendship that may remain afterwards. Couple separate but still encourage each other in their new life. I don't have a clue what will happen with you wife, but burn as few bridges as possible.

Quote from: jamiej on December 12, 2015, 07:06:10 PM
......I agree with Dena to come out to your wife and be as honest as possible, with respecting all parties feelings. Good luck:)

You will find plenty of advice and experiences here although only you will be able to work out what is right for you so I wish you all the best.   You owe it to yourself to be happy in life.

Kirsty xx

Quote from: Dena on December 12, 2015, 06:58:26 PM
I don't have a clue what will happen with you wife, but burn as few bridges as possible.

This is just good advice for life in general, thank you Dena!

Quote from: jamiej on December 12, 2015, 07:06:10 PM
Hello:)
I'm a SO (or I was) feel free to read my posts. I agree with Dena to come out to your wife and be as honest as possible, with respecting all parties feelings. Good luck:)

Thank you, Jamiej. I started reading about your situation and it's heart-wrenching. I have to be aware that this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I control what "worse" is on the spectrum. If I may ask, as you were trying to cope and learn about the situation, were there any resources online that you found to be particularly helpful/not helpful/harmful? Unfortunately there are no shortage of opinions/pseudoscience regarding trans issues, and any argument presented can either be bolstered or torn apart depending on which sources one sites.

Again, thank you ladies so much! I'm really happy I came here. I'd like to get more involved in other discussions here, and I will definitely update once I've had my first gender therapy session this week.

Hugs,
Ashley

Thank you, Jamiej. I started reading about your situation and it's heart-wrenching. I have to be aware that this is going to get worse before it gets better, but I control what "worse" is on the spectrum. If I may ask, as you were trying to cope and learn about the situation, were there any resources online that you found to be particularly helpful/not helpful/harmful? Unfortunately there are no shortage of opinions/pseudoscience regarding trans issues, and any argument presented can either be bolstered or torn apart depending on which sources one sites.

Hi Ashley:)
I can honestly say to you, the sooner you be honest with your wife the better. It's very hard as a SO to realise that there has been allot of secrets during the relationship. I mainly read up on the SO resources on this website. I found talking to other transgender people very helpful. I personally would of stayed with my partner right to the end of life, I wanted to grow old together, regardless of if he transitions or not. I had learnt to get my head around him being a her (I loved what was inside) You may be surprised in your wife's reaction. Times like this are very very hard. You're correct, you control what happens on your Spectrum! If you love your wife, figure out if sexuality really matters, will she stand by you as a her (you might be surprised) love runs much deeper then who you "think" you want to go to bed with. Don't burn bridges:)
I still love my ex with all my heart. Good luck:)
I'm here to support you or your wife in anyway you need or that I can:)


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