Hello everyone!

My name for this form will be Colette, and I am a 21 year old female (MTF) going to university in California. I came out to myself as trans at 19 and began taking HRT in February of 2014.

I have been trying to live a stealth life and since coming out in Freshman year of college in my queer dorm, have presented myself as cis to any other friend and guy I have dated since. I have a lot of depression and body image issues which have led to many issues of suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, and social anxiety that waxes and wanes from time to time; I have a terrible hatred of my looks and body size and often feel paranoid that everyone can tell I am trans and that I am merely deluding myself thinking I pass.

In May of 2015 I had GRS (bottom surgery) with Dr. Marci Bowers after which I have had (and am still dealing with even now) a very painfully tight vaginal canal and intense granulation tissue that has come back even after 5 silver nitrate excisions and even a secondary surgery (which happened in October and seemed to help a bit, but still tight from a lot of scarring and I am noticing some persistent granulation tissue returning yet again). This has continued to erode my body image and make my disregard for my body increase even more--it feels like it merely conspires against me whenever I try to fix it...

Most recently I just had Breast Augmentation with Dr. Miguel Delgado in San Francisco the week before Thanksgiving, and am still healing from that but everything in that regard seems to be going well.


Now as to why I am here...I have always been averse to seeking any kind of trans support group in the past and still feel uncomfortable doing so in person, but have from time to time read posts here seeking advice before, and thought I would finally take the leap and make an account so I can ask my questions.

So here is what I need: I am planning on doing FFS sometime in the first half of 2016, maybe even take a semester off from school so I can get it done sooner than later; I just hate how I look so much and am tired of seeing such a manly face in every reflection and photo I take. I have decided to see Dr. Zukowski and have a phone consultation with him on December 21st. However, I am not exactly sure where to begin in asking what I should have done--I want to say "the works" but I know that is impractical and I certainly cannot afford it, I just want to look as feminine and beautiful as possible--find out where my point of diminishing returns kicks in.

So I cannot figure out how to post a profile pic of myself (though, since I try to live stealth, that may not be the best idea for me) so I would like to maybe attach one instead, except I don't know how to do that either. Input is welcome!!

Best,
C.A.W.


P.S. I know this is both an introduction and a question all in one, and I apologize for the question part being in the wrong area of the forum.

Hi Colette and Welcome to Susan's,

So sorry you having issues with your GRS, I hope they resolve soon.

Bing stealth is quite difficult in this day and age but I'm sure you are aware of that. Anyhow there are lots of people here, some in stealth and some (like me), no way!

You can post an avatar as explained in the in the links below. We have a requirement for 5 posts to ensure new members are not spambots etc.

You can upload photos before that by using a third party server such as photobucket etc and linking to them.

Lovely to have you here and nice to meet you!

Please check out the following links for general site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

A pleasure to meet you too, thank you for the tip. I will look into photobucket right now!

If you have a problem just let me know. BTW to get rid of pics from the site you just remove the link to the photo bucket and preserve your privacy.

Of course, there is no real privacy on the internet.

No, it doesn't link.

I would be very cautious in linking to social media, there is a great risk that someone may find the links you are using and harass you!

How about these??

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9XYbWLmXTdxTDRhZExENlYxM1k/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9XYbWLmXTdxS3ozNkpSdDRWazg/view?usp=sharing

That works and you are ........gorgeous!!

Congratulations!

Thank you for the kind words, but trust me there is work to be done! As for suggestions...what do you think would be best to focus on, like on an a la carte basis, in terms of procedures to bring up in my phone consult with Dr. Zukowski? Thanks!

I really can't comment on FFS. But I am sure others shall.

Do be aware that we have posters who are linked to FFS units and their advice may not be unbiased.

Hi Colette 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Colette and welcome!!  Have to agree with Cindy wholeheartedly

Quote from: Cindy on December 12, 2015, 01:34:40 AM
That works and you are ........gorgeous!!

Congratulations!

Love your smile and wish I had hair like yours!! Take good care of yourself.....
Kirsty xx

Quote from: Colette on December 12, 2015, 01:41:01 AM
Thank you for the kind words, but trust me there is work to be done! As for suggestions...what do you think would be best to focus on, like on an a la carte basis, in terms of procedures to bring up in my phone consult with Dr. Zukowski? Thanks!

Since you asked for opinions, here's one. You are talking about changing the bone structure of your face. You alone will have to live with the outcome for the rest of your life. Worry about making you happy, and only you. If you want an another opinion you have a beautiful smile and I am pretty sure that the people around you feel you brighten up their day. Never lose sight of the little things. That's what makes a woman, a woman to remember.

I can tell you what I did for FFS, but what difference does it make? I can also tell you I did mine in 2 separate sessions because of the cost so I feel (or rather felt) your pain. That was my decision and my plan. I got the blue plate special price and thought to myself, how am I going to afford this. So I did it in steps. It was the only solution for me.

When it comes to surgery, don't let doctors and past patients oversell the outcome. But definitely get an opinion. I did, multiple times. That's how I knew I was comfortable in making a very very expensive decision. It will always be a very personal thing. Everyone on here could be thinking "holy cow you are a drop dead gorgeous woman (and you are by the way!)" and despite all of that, you still have one teeny weeny thing, that no one else can see and yet it bothers you. Been there done that. Unfortunately, despite all the surgery and no matter how pretty you end up (and all the attention that goes with it), you will still be irked by a plain old ordinary woman standing in the checkout line in front of you. That's the cards we have been dealt in life. It's still a good life though. I wouldn't trade being me for all the tea in China. I guess what I am trying to say is just worry about making you happy. If you have 3 things that bug you, then put them on a scale or something and then knock them off the list when you can afford it. Trust me, I've been around enough women long enough in my life now to have heard it all when it comes to looks. That's why cosmetic surgery is such a huge money making scheme in this country.

Sorry to hear about your complications from your SRS. It's a pain in the butt operation, in more ways than one. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

Thank you so much for the opinions and input! A more piecemeal approach just might be the thing, because their certainly are orders of magnitude to what I dislike most about my appearance, and it's so easy for me, a shopaholic in many regards, to just want all "the works" done to me, because everything I see of myself is tainted in a way.