I will preface this by saying I'm not as glamorous as some of you. I actually keep a plain appearance as I'm a busy gal, but occasionally doll it up.
Anyway from the beginning. Me at 4 years old. I had long hair. I was happy:
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2FA0A90650-F12E-4527-940D-C6E5B72B2891_zpsapdonajz.jpg&hash=37547041388668cd493931dfada18c8cfe448e0c)
This is me at 8 or 9. Disneyworld and EPCOT
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2F54CBFCC4-C191-4B90-B706-0410DF37DCCF_zpsv8beksit.jpg&hash=dc08aa504dad36efb0e11144a35bc9d07b5496aa)
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2FEE51F7EB-22CF-401A-9AD7-0AF58C06AB3A_zpsqmxpz9j4.jpg&hash=31b8a547cd0ad6abbbe52c3d380e7693c5a588ce)
At home. Mom had just come back from Toronto Canada.
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2F16582EE6-BBD1-4FAA-9244-92CC5504F379_zpsqon7sahw.jpg&hash=151ee7c32b57631f556405fadc7025a4a9939572)
11 years old. Puberty. I cried a lot. I hated myself. But I had some happy times.
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2FF9385FF3-5D54-4B0D-88AA-9F907461E08E_zpshpui2apm.jpg&hash=b0b38c0f25aafb3dcce7b9d85ac2a70bb2b82564)
I hated the camera so I have basically zero pics of me in high school. There are one or two from the year book which I just left back in the old country.
I hated myself so much I attempted to take my own life numerous times. All unsuccessful.
In 2001 at age 22 I met my first wife and we got married. I moved to New York from the old country. I spent many hours on the net looking at transition but I was afraid I wouldn't have any of my own biological kids. So I just buried it and tried to make the best of it as a married man.
And lots and lots of drinking.
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2F6011D07F-EF37-4BB7-A46A-C7BADA73E56F_zpsxoxprji5.jpg&hash=6e33157b024567cd630926bbaceade80b39d0b8b)
It gets kind of sketchy from there. I get divorced and married again. Had kids. Joyous but a reminder of what I will never be. I basically let myself go.
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2F8BBF7D4B-DF82-43B0-91C1-BDCBBB9F718E_zps2mi0wtzx.jpg&hash=e32d04395b110766c662d010ed6bb0577ed98742)
Then I got fed up, realized that I couldn't hide who I am and broke down and started transition.
Very early into HRT like less than a month. I'm changing.
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2FB5566663-033E-4DAD-8261-FAF4D9C2D94D_zpschodryzp.jpg&hash=4a1f3b651193b05ba07cb14cd801b74188e5df36)
Then 6 months or so. Boom.
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2F34621D3D-1EE7-4A8B-A417-D8ACCDAE530C_zps9cugbbh1.jpg&hash=de97a71a7be5d91258942ee3c4b42a3a5dc57f11)
Went to court to change my name in October. Dressed for the occasion. 10 months HRT.
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2FF6507B10-360F-490C-8153-2970BB50D377_zpskskd9los.jpg&hash=87b2090d3afea62d06b2174c98cac8359bc4c7b8)
And today:
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2FBCBDF4B0-4B76-47F5-BB3B-462173BAAFFC_zpsnpfirnqu.jpg&hash=92b7e2beddc12ebbc7a0af778aa606210226447d)
![](https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1188.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fz403%2Frjairam%2F24CB32A4-2F3C-47C6-BC7C-C1B24E0DF060_zpsgvw6sa3r.jpg&hash=e40d4a46cd1bc3c595d1321e3ce9c754fd39156c)
Hope you enjoyed.