As opposed to my more recent excitement in life and feeling as if I've taken my first step to transitioning, my days of being dysphoria-free are over. Today marks the first day (out of a week) where people finally started to comment on my nails being done and it meaning something to me. Oh I still remember how hot my face felt, the pain it brought to my stomach, the pain that had returned. Growing up, I always felt as if I was a part of the "normal" society, but I caught myself liking a lot of things that other boys didn't, so I kept quiet about it. Then hitting middle school, I heard chatter of "gross" and "unwanted" people. These people being cursed with the title of being gay, lesbian, trans, etc. I say cursed because it's the way it was portrayed to me, and it bothered me when they so cruelly judged someone like that because I hate seeing people being hurt, even though I'm prone to having a short temper. This was when I was about twelve years old... Roughly. Since then, the thought of these curses became intriguing. I found out what being a transgender was and realized that's exactly what I was. I didn't want to dress as a girl, I wanted to be one! At that moment I knew I was. I did strange things for the next few years, watching other girls closely, seeing how they acted, how they moved, how they reacted to certain things, everything I could to learn. Finally, two years ago we took a trip to see some family in Germany. I was fine until the second or third day when the dysphoria kicked in. I remember the exact moment too. We went to a small store to pick of a souvenir or two and there was the girls clothing section. It wasn't even underwear or a bra or anything. It was a shirt. A bright pink shirt with a massive black skull in the middle. I got really depressed and when we made it back to where we were staying, I came out to my friends. From there on, I've gradually improved myself to letting them play with my hair, do my nails, all the fun stuff, but only on the rare occasion and with a select few people. Now I encourage people to do it because I just love the feeling. It's weird, but having people play with my hair is one of the best feelings for me, I'm not sure why. Back to improving though, I've changed pronouns, I've been getting my nails done for going on two weeks now (getting them painted), and soon I'll get makeup. Everything was going great, until someone in one of my classes made a nasty comment and embarrassed me. It didn't surprise me because he was part of that group that does and says whatever they want and no one does anything about it. Then it clued in that growing up, that was the group I was in before I realized just exactly who I was. Now I can't get all the bad memories of all the insults they through around and the negative reputation that they've given trans people out of my mind. The hate is so string in this world. Even if someone wants to be happy, even if it doesn't concern them or affect them in any way possible, they always have something negative to say. I guess what I'm trying to say is, why does everyone stick to the mainstream ideals when they know it hurts people? I don't feel as bad as I normally do, but this is the stage where I know it's about to hit and my stomach will get really heavy and I just won't smile or do anything for weeks. I try to remain happy, but I just don't have control over this stuff anymore and I'm just confused and alone. I should mention that my friends are all on the other side of the country since I moved and I have two friends here. I can't even enjoy my music like I used to without me getting depressed and just wanting to sleep forever (not in a death kind of way, although the thought has crossed my mind multiple times). Is there anything else I can do to help make things better on my own? I can't see a therapist or do anything like that for a long time, so I guess I'm just looking for a scapegoat for all my feelings. Thanks for reading if you made it to this point,

Rachel

I don't know why people so easily hurt others Rachel. Sometimes it's just ignorance, sometimes it's because they're insecure and just want to fit in; it's better for them to tease someone than be teased themselves for sticking up for people that are different, either way it's sad. There's a lot of meanness in the world, but there's also a lot of amazing caring supportive people. Just hang out with the good ones and ignore the mean ones as best you can.

I didn't come out as queer or trans until I left high school. No one in my high school came out. It was the most boring hetro-normative and cis-normative and white school ever. Of course after we graduated I found out that there had been trans and queer and gay and lesbian people in school all along but we were all too afraid and we had no support or community. It gets much better once you are out of school. In my experience anyway.

If you feel like you are heading into a sad or depressed phase that's okay, there's nothing wrong with being sad, it kind of makes sense when you look at the state of things and if you are an empathetic person. Just let your friends and loved ones know you are in a low patch, it's better not to pretend that your feeling happy when you aren't; it takes up too much energy. Hang in there lovely, sometimes it's hard but it keeps getting better. xxx

Hi Rachel...

Many folks are brought up in a very bigoted environment, they hate people of other nationality, religions or sexual orientation... totally indoctrinated, they get a high in leading and goading others into their hatred. But for many they just don't understand, how can they? however there is no real reason to be spiteful, at the end of the day we are all human, we have feelings, we breath we hurt.
Acceptance has come a long way, I recall at school and through my early work life, being picked on for being effeminate, school was pure bullying, work was harassment, but there were no laws then... so we became very secretive and reclusive.
I would suggest these same bigoted people drive frenzied actions, like war and other horrors. Where they are not born leaders they resort to the actions we see and hear about from time to time. FWIW we are not the only group types to get picked on and harassed...
Pure evil at work?

For what it is worth

hugs

Katy xxx

Dear Rachel,

Oh I know what you mean.

First the feeling good and then falling back. I compare transitioning to running into a brick wall. You feel great while running and then wham. You hit that wall.

But every time you hit it, the wall gets weaker, it takes time but everytime you hit it a brick falls out. One day you burst threw it. One day it crumbles to dust and then you think, What wall?

So keep running at it.

The haters. Lovely people aren't they! Have a look around in any society, you will see them. They hate and insult because it is easy. They are weak, they can hide behind hate because it hides their emotions. They can act as they are important. They aren't they are the weakest.

In psychiatric terms they are classed as axis-2 group B. Google it and you will recognise them. They have nothing to add to anyone or anything. They are hurtful noise and losers to boot.

I know this is hard but don't let them get to you because they rapidly fail in life and at worse total life failures and at best a bad example.

They are the losers in the world.

You are a sensitive and intelligent young woman. The sort of person people want to be friends with. It takes time.

I remember the people that bullied me when I was young, I went back and found what they had done in life - nothing. I think some of mine are sitting in a jail cell looking at the walls for 23 hours a day.

I feel sorry for them. Because you and I have or will have happy productive lives, and people like us and seek out our company.

No one seeks out theirs.

The early days of transitioning are hard. I know. But it gets easier and then it is just wonderful.

Hang in there Rachel and remember you have lots of friends from all around the world.

The haters have no one, not even themselves.

Cindy

First of all I want to say I'm proud of you for even taking that step. I could never even imagine doing something like painting my nails in high school. So much so that I didn't even know that I wanted to until about 3 months ago, other than a fleeting thought of painting them black or coloring them in with sharpie back then. It impresses me you were able to identify what you wanted so young, for me the hints were there but I didn't start to really crack the code until late in college because I was so concerned with others opinions and of making everyone around me happy. High school can be a cruel and unforgiving place, but know that you're stronger than all those people. They're afraid to face who they are, and handle it by making fun of and hurting other people that are putting in the work to find themselves. It's tough but try not to let them get to you. ->-bleeped-<- the haters! You like what you like, you are who you are and that's okay! You'll see someday how little high school matters. It feels like it will never end now, but someday you'll look back and wonder why you gave a ->-bleeped-<- about what any of those people think.

Especially don't let them get in your head when it comes to your music. You told me the other day how much music means to you and it's important to have that passion, keep that fire burning. You deserve to have that outlet in your life. If you haven't already I encourage you to listen to transgender Dysphoria Blues. The full album is on YouTube. That album gets me through when I'm really struggling with dysphoria. Know that you're not alone, and that you are a brave soul. Haters will continue to hate, but the world will continue to spin with or without their approval! You have plenty of time to be who you are and make yourself happy! Stay strong and do you!

Love and hugs!

Ry


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Rachel, I know it is hard to look past all the negative and mean things some people in the world do. It hurts all of us and it is hard to look past I know. I also know it is hard to ignore and forget too. Many do such horrible things out of pain without even giving thought to as to how they are treating others. Unfortunately it is there choice to do that where as our choice to have a positive affect on the world. As Cindy said, they are just noise. I would tune them out and move on. Focus on those who are worth tuning into like yourself and all the positive things you have done to move along in your transition. Hugs
Mariah

Doing me... I'm not sure how I can do that. I mean, experimenting with different ideas sounds great and all, and since I now have a means to shop online without anyone else knowing ( got my own debit card), but I know I'd get caught because my grand parents are the ones who deliver everything to and from our house, they work for the post office, so I know they'd find out. I'm to the point where I can't even wear any of my clothes anymore because I feel they're either too revealing or not "girly" enough. Even at night, I used to go shirtless, but now I have a tank top that I can't sleep without. Seems my only solution is waiting until I move in the summer, but it's so far away and I really can't wait anymore. If my emotions don't tear me apart, my mind will. I'm open to different ideas, but I'm really not sure how I can attempt to be the real me when I can't even experience anything without everyone finding me out and blowing this whole situation all around. I really just want to move away and run to a place I know is save  and transition there, but like before, it's so far away and it requires me pretty much dropping connections with my family, which isn't a pleasant thought or thing to feel... *sigh. Any ideas?

For some people its hard to live this way. But for me it is going to be a slow transition to my end goal. Right now I revel on small accomplishments like going to work 5 days a week with my nails painted clear, using female deodorant and lotion. I know it really hurts in some moments to be anywhere in public when you feel like you're not really being you. For me explaining what I'm feeling right now is even more difficult and anxiety producing.

At this point, I just try to find anything that makes me feel better that is subtle, but makes me feel more feminine in some way. It really depends on a personal level what that might be for you. You've already taken the step with the nails, people have already tried to put you down, it might be a good idea to keep doing what you're doing, and maybe just slow down with the steps you take, calculate, and make decisions based on what is best for you in both a personal and social perspective. You might continue to catch criticism, but PLEASE just trust me when I say that what people say in high school TRULY does no matter. I wish I knew that when I was there.

Now that I'm a full 7 years away from that I realize that I only talk to 1 or 2 people that I still care about and that care about me. All the rest aren't your friends, nor are they people that have any bearing on who you are as an individual. Those lines get blurred by social pressures and social media, but you'll see it in time. It's okay to feel the way you do, but just know that it will pass. You will be happy again. Let the music guide you.