Hi all,

I'd love to hear your experiences of coming out and talking to your significant others about being trans. Here's a little background on my situation:

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We love each other very much. We're best friends.

About a year ago, I told her I was starting to really struggle with my gender identity. She wasn't ready to hear me at that point, and I didn't have the confidence to talk about my feelings around gender. I felt a lot of shame around my gender and about my dysphoria. Not sure why... stigma I guess. Anyways, after that initial talk, we ignored it and never spoke about it again

Until...

Fast forward to about 3 months ago. I brought the topic back up with her because my gender struggles were getting unbearable. I cut my hair and bought a binder and started presenting in a more masculine way. I started going to therapy and attending a trans* support group in my area. She was very uncomfortable and we got into a lot of arguments. She said some hurtful things. I had no idea how to respond.

We acknowledged how difficult it was for us to communicate about my gender identity. Things are a bit better now and she is starting to accept it. I think she's grieving the loss of her "girlfriend" but the issue remains: I have a really hard time talking with her about it. Maybe it is because I'm scared of her judgement or that she'll leave me? Maybe it is because it is really hard to put into words and it makes me feel dumb?

Most recently, we had an argument because she feels like I need to talk to her more about it (I totally agree and realize I'm making a potentially horrible mistake by not communicating with her effectively).

Does anyone have any advice on how to casually bring my transness into conversation with my cis girlfriend? I'm not sure why it feels so unnatural for me. I guess I've been hiding it for so long that my default reaction to my transly thoughts are to tuck them away and stay silent.

all you can do is be open about it, and honest. you need to tell her what you're feeling and what she could possibly do to help ease dysphoria or make it easier for you. communication will always be key. you also need to listen to her. she is also struggling. not only with the loss of a "girlfriend" but maybe now her own sexual orientation. if she's bi or pan, it might not be an issue but if she identifies as lesbian, and now she's dating a man, you can see how it can also take a toll on her. a lot of people in that situation don't want to lose their lesbian identity, etc. it's hard. you need to listen to each other.

best thing to do to make someone who is cis understand: tell them you don't like how your body looks, etc. they can relate to this because they also feel those things (eg. they think they need to lose weight, or gain weight, etc.) it helps. you can also use things like chocolate bar examples if you decide to start hormones or just generally changing how you usually dress/look. "the wrapper just changes, not the chocolate bar inside" kind of thing. there's tons of things you can do to make it easy for some people to understand. i get it's hard to put into words but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

you guys have been together a long time so even couples therapy (with a gender therapist) may help. also, trans support groups tend to have nights for family/friends to come. do you have a PFLAG where you live? if so, you should check it out and you two go together. it helps A LOT when there's people who are going through the same things there to support you. you'll have people there going through what you are and she will have people she can talk to as well.

in the end, if she leaves then that is also fine. it happens but ideally, you wouldn't want her to be with a man if she isn't attracted to men and it be dragged on and you wouldn't wanna be with someone who doesn't like you for you. there would be no sense in continuing something you know wouldn't work out but don't give up until you've tried everything, imo.

I know it's hard to tell people you love things like this but I think invisiblemonsters did bring up some good points.
First of all I would recommend trying to figure out why it bothers her so much, weather that be through asking her, thinking about it, trying to help or a little bit of all. Sounds like your also having some trouble getting her to understand why you are transitioning. I hope you can work through this because you seem you care a lot.
The first person I came out to was my SO of sorts. (We have a weird relationship but we still consider each other together in a way) at that point I simply came out as androgynous. He is a bisexual man and I was glad to make sure to have a good understanding of where his sexuality and gender lie before I came out to him so I would have a good idea of how he would feel. Just recently, I told him I'm going to transition. I always make sure to really just say everything to him and give him lots of time to talk to because I know it must be hard or at least kinda weird for him. He's been great and so supportive of me all this time and I hope that maybe you can gain something like this too. Relationships mid transition are very hard. Just try to talk about it more often so it isn't such a taboo topic and maybe you will start getting somewhere soon.



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My S.O. and I have been sharing close space for almost 10 years now.

It is never an easy topic to discuss, particularly because he is still attracted to me as a female. Which is tough for me to deal with, but I suppose no more of a pain in the ass than it's always been in my life so far. I'm pre- transition you see, and once the ball gets rolling I expect he will start to lose sexual interest and then it won't be a topic that is so uncomfortable, or maybe a topic that I won't need to discuss much anyway because that conflict will no longer be there. I will just be a man to him then.

My SO is not gay nor bi, so this is pretty much the end for sexual relations for me unless of course he decides he still sees something in me or wants to be adventurous, but I am not holding my breath. The topic is so hard to bring up with him precisely because he still feels that he is mourning a loss, or that there is a stake in the matter for him that is at risk, and I suppose once that loss has been accepted it won't be so bad. I'm fine with a platonic relationship after this so I don't feel as though I am afraid of losing something. I know he will not stop being my friend, nor stop living with me, although it will of course be uncharted territory.

I haven't found any easy ways to raise the subject with a person who is obviously upset and hurt that they are losing something they really wanted. So I have decided not to raise the subject, and that it is not my SO's duty to bear the burden of dealing with even more information about it. It really is a personal matter and there's very little my SO could offer in the way of understanding and empathy on it anyway. Kind of the opposite situation to you. To raise it with her I would suggest this: tell her you feel difficulty putting it into words, so if she wants to speak about it or know more about it, tell her you are most comfortable with her asking the questions and you answering. That is a much easier way to break down the subject and talk about it when words don't come easily. But if you say this you'll have to be ready to speak about it when she wants to speak about it. One thing you need to let sink in is that you can't postpone someone's judgement on this matter when they know about it. If anything, leaving people to stew on the matter without your input is what has led to people forming misled conclusions in my experience. Her wanting to speak about it rather than ignore it might be a blessing. I wish my SO were much more ready to speak about it.

One thing I have noticed about females in relationships is that communication is important. If you have been asked to communicate about something, try to do it. It could be as important to her as it is to you, and if you cannot communicate you may eventually lose her anyway. You don't have much to lose at this point - she already knows and is thinking about it. If you withold information from her it could well be detrimental to the relationship you want to preserve.

I try to avoid talking about the emotional side of it too much, partly because i always end up distressed and that makes him distressed, partly because I've already said everything and he just needs time to process what I've said.

i do talk about the more practical side - i told him when i bought my binders, i complain when they're uncomfortable, i don't go into a different room to change into them, etc. I don't know if it's making things better but I'm trying to demystify and normalise the situation. I also keep him updated on my GP/ psychiatrist appointments and things. I've been introducing things gradually and asking for advice and opinion, not necessarily approval - more like 'can you still see my breasts' 'does this shirt make me look like a nob' 'can i pull off this hat' 'is packing worth it'.

I am pretty lucky in that he was never attracted to my clothes though i guess, and he was prepared for my chest to disappear because the whole time we were dating I was covering or hiding my chest when naked, or talking about how much i wanted a reduction.

If you approach the subject with the idea that you're not talking about IF this will happen, you're talking about HOW or WHEN, and you're open to advice or valid concerns, you might be able to have productive conversation. Before you talk to her you could work out a (loose) timeline of your transition plans - if there are things that you think are off the table permanently, you should tell her so that she's not worrying about things that will likely never happen. For example (and maybe tmi) i realised that i needed to make it clear to my boyfriend that I'm not interested in certain prosthetics or any of the places i could put them... also it's important for people to know how sudden changes will be, and what they can expect to happen.

things in relationships do change though, and people change - i could have pointed out that as i age and my hormones settle down, my chest would naturally loose a little mass, and since i lost weight it has shrunk. those are changes he might have had to deal with regardless of my gender. Transitioning just seems more terrifying because we tend to think of it as a chunk, with a label, as if it will all happen overnight, when really it's gradual. My dress sense already flipped from tomboy-ish to femme and then back to full boy while we've been dating and he never noticed the first change...

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. This past weekend, my girlfriend and I had a really open and straightforward talk.

She admitted that she wasn't able to empathize with my situation because I hadn't talked her through my thought processes. I tried my best to explain things in metaphors.

I explained that I was having a hard time because I had a fair amount of shame and guilt surrounding the whole thing, much like she had experienced when she came out that she was attracted to women.

Before this weekend, she was completely opposed to going to a support group for the the partners of trans and gender non-conforming people. After this talk, she says she is open to going and that she thinks it would be a good idea.

The future is still a little unclear, but I feel a great burden lifted now that it is out in the open.

Thank you all!!

Sounds like a step in the right direction :)