The main reasons I think this does happen to me quite often (like on friday ) are because of the assigned name of birth and my voice, which although it is quite deep for being born biologically female its still noticeably non-male by many.

What do you guys do to cope with this? I already know what I need to do to help solve this but no, I am on a very limited budget and lack the finances to have my name and gender marker changed across every form of legal documentation out there and I do not have the letter from my therapist yet to begin T (yeah, last week's appointment was rescheduled yet again due to me having a miniature meltdown at home I guess, but unrelated to this topic). 

What I want to know is, "What things can I do right now to help me deal, cope, or get through this misgendering that happens pretty frequently at times?" Who else experiences this and what do you do to deal/cope/manage with the internal pain (dysphoria?) it often brings along with it?

Thanks guys.

I do small things throughout the day to stay in touch with my true self, and I stay self aware during the day and night to ensure that any high testosterone moments / depressed moments / or times when I am around people who don't use my female name or who are directly vibing off my male energy and presence.. I just remember that these are only moments.
I know that the majority of the time I know exactly who I am and where I am headed, and when I feel lost or misgendered (which I unfortunately am) it just helps to focus on loving myself and nothing else.
Sounds vague.. and its so much more complicated but those are some coping mechanisms.
Also am I able to discuss a drug experience on this site? Just 2 days ago I decided to face myself with psychadelics and experienced debilitating and suicidal levels of dysphoria however I kept my notepad close and pushed through it, and a small part of me was reborn afterwards which was incredibly fulfilling.
I did a lot of poetry and writting to get through it and found some insightful thoughts on the subject of transitioning to a female as a male.. Something that is incredibly crazy to me but oh so right..
Im rambling. Soz.
your amazing xx

I think if its getting you down you really need to get some vocal training or train your voice with youtube videos (and singing).

It's a brutal world out there and if that's the issue - solve the issue as much as possible. It will take time and effort though.

It's awkward but doesn't bother me. I correct them and move on.

As longs it's no one I know doing it after me telling them a number of times everything is cool.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

What if they continually do it? I'm starting to feel like 'buddy' from a particular individual is partonising or provoking, because they should know by now that it hightens dysphoria to hear male pronounds.. Some people inparticular use my full male name and say it slowly and drawn out and it drives me insane. This is like my problem of the week lol.. Stupid identifying names giving me grief >_<

I set goals and reached for them.

Right now I don't get misgendered at all but it took a good bit of planning and execution to get there, and I still have a ways to go if I want to be where I finally want to be.

Voice is absolutely #1. The voice I think switches the gender switch in people's heads and it takes a lot of other stuff to override it.

Maybe get a men's haircut if you haven't gotten one already.

Style of dress. Pre anything you cannot really expect to be addressed properly if your dress isn't strongly on the gender you want to be addressed as. That's not to say you have to dress completely masculine (or feminine) but it has to lean more to the side you want it to.

Mannerisms. How you address people goes a long way. You don't have to be rude but you don't have to be gentle either.

These are a few things I've come to realize.

In terms of actually coping with it? If you have a somewhat clear plan, just look to the promise of the future and that should help a lot. Keep your eyes on the prize, to use a common cliché.

Kate's advice is solid. To add:

Do things that make you feel manly after the fact, and correct anyone who misgenders you in a polite but firm way.

Thanks for the replies guys.

But I already dress as manly as I know how. I also never had a whole lot of effeminate mannerisms even before realizing I am actually male. The only things that really get me in trouble, as I said before, is my voice and my assigned name at birth.

I agree with Kate too about training my voice. I need to really make time for it and do it when my dad isn't around. I was for a little while but just stopped like I do anything else I try to work at.

When people who never seen me before approach me, they always address me as a man. Not to brag, but I feel like I wouldn't even need to medically transition just to get people to see me as male, if my name and gender marker reflected my true self as well. In fact, I have read posts by medically transitioned transmen who still get read as female quite frequently. I feel like for me to medically transition would purely be to help me feel more male, not solely to let others know that I am male because my appearance looks so much like a cisgender black man.

I dress very urban (or 'gangsta' as black folk like to call it ). Even when I dress nerdy, people who approach me think of me as a man if they have no idea what my registered name and sex is. My haircut; half high-top fade mohawk just screams 'man.'

Hey Squire.

Yeah, I love to sing. Singing male-only parts or the female bass/tenor parts of some songs would surely help. I know, cause I did this for a while.


Guys, I don't mind bein' manly to help dysphoria but not if it doesn't reflect who I am on the inside. That's not what expressing your true self is all about, you know? I saw some people say that. I guess it does help sometimes though, especially in extremely dysphoric moments.

Hey I don't know how this would work in your community, but tell people they are misgendering you. If they refer to you by your birth name, correct them. Wrong pronoun, correct them and if they ask explain. Many people are involuntary about this, and want to be nice.  I am still working up the courage to do this, but in my city it is pretty easy to correct people on like misgenderment. If you do choose to do that, you are SOOO brave!

If it's a friend, family member, or colleague, I correct them and move on. If they do it consistently just to make me feel bad, they become an ex-friend or family member. If it's a colleague doing it consistently, I remind them politely that I'm in the process of changing my name and that I would appreciate their cooperation. If they make it clear that they do not wish to cooperate (and I've only had this happen with one person thus far) I try to reason with them, and if that fails, I remind them that I have the right not to be bullied at my job, and that I have rights. If it's someone in a shop who ma'am's me, I just ignore it. I'll get there. I have to believe that right now.

How have I coped with it in the past? Cried my eyes out lol.

It doesn't happen as often anymore,l definitely not in everyday life but whenever I get dressed up or in costume sometimes I get people asking if I'm man or woman....as if that's ok to ask. So annoying.

Hoping FFS will help. Voice was prob one of the best things I ever did for myself though.

Quote from: purplewuggybird on December 13, 2015, 09:21:58 PM
Hey I don't know how this would work in your community, but tell people they are misgendering you. If they refer to you by your birth name, correct them. Wrong pronoun, correct them and if they ask explain. Many people are involuntary about this, and want to be nice.  I am still working up the courage to do this, but in my city it is pretty easy to correct people on like misgenderment. If you do choose to do that, you are SOOO brave!

I guess I really am "SOOO brave" cause I do that already.

And to top it off, I even had the courage to go into the men's restroom at my local public library last week. That made me feel like the ultimate bad a$$.

Quote from: WorkingOnThomas on December 14, 2015, 03:53:09 AM
If it's a friend, family member, or colleague, I correct them and move on. If they do it consistently just to make me feel bad, they become an ex-friend or family member. If it's a colleague doing it consistently, I remind them politely that I'm in the process of changing my name and that I would appreciate their cooperation. If they make it clear that they do not wish to cooperate (and I've only had this happen with one person thus far) I try to reason with them, and if that fails, I remind them that I have the right not to be bullied at my job, and that I have rights. If it's someone in a shop who ma'am's me, I just ignore it. I'll get there. I have to believe that right now.

I wish this were as easy as you make it sound. 

No offense, but it really isn't especially with my father, who I currently live with. So I am working on moving out and will cut him off soon enough. But not out of hatred or spite, but because I am finally beginning to selflessly love me. He interferes with that, most days.

Quote from: Debra on December 14, 2015, 08:00:49 AM
How have I coped with it in the past? Cried my eyes out lol.

It doesn't happen as often anymore,l definitely not in everyday life but whenever I get dressed up or in costume sometimes I get people asking if I'm man or woman....as if that's ok to ask. So annoying.

Hoping FFS will help. Voice was prob one of the best things I ever did for myself though.

I don't like to cry. Don't know if its internalized sexism or what. But I hate to show those kind of emotions cause they make me feel very weak. Not saying in relation to "actin' like a girl" or any dumb stuff like that. Just the act itself has always made me feel very weak long before realizing I am actually a dude.

But if I really can't hold back the tears or just need that instant release of built up emotions, I try to do this in private for a limited amount of time and then move on like nut'in happened. Don't know if that is considered as bein' manly or mechanical, but that is how I see it. Fo' real do'.

Quote from: King Phoenix on December 14, 2015, 02:23:02 PM
I wish this were as easy as you make it sound. 

No offense, but it really isn't especially with my father, who I currently live with. So I am working on moving out and will cut him off soon enough. But not out of hatred or spite, but because I am finally beginning to selflessly love me. He interferes with that, most days.

I didn't say it was easy. It isn't. And I'm not in your situation. I don't live with my family; in fact, I live on the other side of the planet from my family. Even so, cutting some of them out of my life is hard. 

Dear godddd I know but in the persuit of self love and respect, and boundaries for what you do and don't want out of this beautiful experience.. Sometimes you just gotta have a long think about it and see where your heart takes you 

good luck and much love xooxox

Somehow at the moment I can ignore it, because I know I have a plan. When I have a plan in my head I know I'm going to execute, I'm halfway there, and I can deal with the little things easily knowing they'll soon be gone. That, and I suppose it's been my reality since day one people didn't know or were unaware of what they were dealing with when dealing with me. It'll be the same after transition too - there's a hell of a lot they will never know, or will always be ignorant of, and that's just how it's gonna be.

Quote from: WorkingOnThomas on December 15, 2015, 02:24:02 AM
I didn't say it was easy. It isn't. And I'm not in your situation. I don't live with my family; in fact, I live on the other side of the planet from my family. Even so, cutting some of them out of my life is hard.

Oh, sorry about that. I suppose I misunderstood what you were saying.

Yes, the thought of cutting someone as narcissistic as my dad off is even hard to me also. He is the only family I do live with. Other than him and a brother I have, I feel like they all I got.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on December 15, 2015, 07:37:56 AM
Somehow at the moment I can ignore it, because I know I have a plan. When I have a plan in my head I know I'm going to execute, I'm halfway there, and I can deal with the little things easily knowing they'll soon be gone. That, and I suppose it's been my reality since day one people didn't know or were unaware of what they were dealing with when dealing with me. It'll be the same after transition too - there's a hell of a lot they will never know, or will always be ignorant of, and that's just how it's gonna be.

Hey man.

You sound like you've had such a hard life. I guess no one has it easy, but I feel like some of us struggle even more than others.

I think what you're saying here is that what really helps you with dealing/coping with being misgendered is acceptance of self and tolerance as well as acceptance of other's ignorance.

For that, dude, I highly commend such adult/mature decisions on your part.

For me, I'm still learnin' how to do that. I'd figure when I reach your level of self-acceptance, I'll be a whole lot better off mentally and emotionally.

And thank you, everyone, for your replies.

Quote from: King Phoenix on December 16, 2015, 09:42:55 AM
Oh, sorry about that. I suppose I misunderstood what you were saying.

Yes, the thought of cutting someone as narcissistic as my dad off is even hard to me also. He is the only family I do live with. Other than him and a brother I have, I feel like they all I got.

No worries, dude. We're cool.

I don't want to cut people out of my life, especially my family. Even living as far off as I do, I've always been close to them emotionally. Rather too much so, if truth be told. But the fact is, they're abusive. Perhaps not always intentionally, but it is what it is. And my life is hard enough right now without having people I love continually undermining my efforts to find happiness and start to love myself. i don't need extra helpings of self doubt/self loathing.

For me it helps to have people that I know wouldn't misgender me, it started with one of my friends and now its a group of people. With some it has been a struggle to get them to understand, but when they finally did it was a good feeling. Helped that one of my counselors was good with it too, and since I saw him for a year before he had to leave school it was a safe place I could be myself at but not by myself, if that makes sense. My mom was conflicted with the idea and then when she came and visited me and saw the group of friends I made being comfortable with using my male pronouns and name it helped changed her mind for the better and that was really important.

So takeaway is don't go at it alone if you can. If there is no space where people are fully accepting, then build that space little by little, with one friend after another. And when misgendering happens think back to it and draw strength from it to recover.