Hello, exceptionally well written post!  Well here's my opinion, of course taken with a grain of salt if you will!  I believe your girlfriend had some form of validity in saying that you wanted to believe what your friends and family were telling you was true as opposed to what she said. However while either of you could be entirely or half right, I believe (keyword "I") that we (those of us that were assigned a "traditional" gender but found out later in life that gender didn't quite fit right) mentally construct a safe place for ourselves, many times unbeknownst to us. This safe place may include the thoughts and hopes of our loved ones acceptance in the form of telling us what we want to hear regardless if the comment or sentiment was genuine or not. This is why I said you or your girlfriend may be half right or fully right. I personally have been in uncertain states of limbo, when I wasn't sure what to classify myself as. But the fact is there are countless states in between traditional male and female.  She may not have meant to offend you, however it would seem that she certainly shook and not stirred your martini. I've learned to classify myself as a m2f non-binary, male and female presenting, "woman-loving" multividual. Yes something of an unusual mix of uncertainties indeed, However I have found that I am not alone and that there are many others that think exactly as I do and there are people that share the same, exact same issues as you, probably minus the peculiar nuances that are unique to your life but you get the point.  However I say if it is not immoral, illegal, or does not harm you or anyone else then do what makes you happy in your mind, your heart, and in your soul.  God bless you on your journey, and may you find peace and the answers you seek along the way.

Quote from: Debra on December 17, 2015, 09:05:31 AM
You may think so but your story is not unique. Neither are your doubts.

We all come from some kind of similar pivotal point where we started to realize something was going on. And we all have doubts along the way.

I didn't realize things until I was 27 but like you, after going through a lot of my past in therapy , I was able to see the little indicators which I hid growing up....things I covered up and forgot about.

For me, it was a webcomic. A silly, stupid webcomic about a guy getting changed into a girl. It stirred up feelings deep inside myself I had hidden for so long....and it began my exploration.

I transitioned at 28 and here I am at age 34, married to the man of my dreams, with a great job, living a female life.....an authentic life. That being said, I had to leave my conservative bigoted family, ex-wife, and inlaws behind.

Why am I telling you this? Because you are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just know that nobody else can tell you who you are....if you are male or female or whatever. Only you can do that.

Thank you for saying this. Every time someone shares their story, it helps a little bit.

It's just such a confusing roller coaster, this 'deciding' phase. One day I feel like I could handle staying exactly the way I am, one day the thought of not passing makes me feel terribly sad, and one day no answer sounds right at all. Sometimes the phases last a week or more, and the only constant is the feeling that something is wrong, and that, given a hypothetical choice, I would rather press the "girl" button than the "boy" one.

Quote from: Rp1713 on December 17, 2015, 11:21:51 AM
So well stated. I fully agree that it helps to think this way. It has definitely opened me up to finding the real me that's in there somewhere. I just hope I someday get the courage to let that person shine outward. Right now this mindset helps me see no shame when Im alone and I look in the mirror. When I'm dressed up or wearing makeup for once in my life I see I smile looking back when I look in the mirror, I feel like I've never had that before. Or when I take comfort in little things in public like painting my nails clear or wearing my panties under my clothes. I suppose the first step to other people accepting you is loving yourself. This is the step I'm working on right now. Still so many ups and downs but I think overall I am becoming more comfortable with who I am slowly but surely, and becoming a better me because of it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah, for me it's the same. It feels fine and normal (and even nice) when you're alone, but the thought of doing it in front of people is where the shame and fear come creeping in. Small, incognito steps definitely seem to help dip your toes into the public side of it.

Quote from: HourGlass2B on December 17, 2015, 01:24:47 PM
Hello, exceptionally well written post!  Well here's my opinion, of course taken with a grain of salt if you will!  I believe your girlfriend had some form of validity in saying that you wanted to believe what your friends and family were telling you was true as opposed to what she said. However while either of you could be entirely or half right, I believe (keyword "I") that we (those of us that were assigned a "traditional" gender but found out later in life that gender didn't quite fit right) mentally construct a safe place for ourselves, many times unbeknownst to us. This safe place may include the thoughts and hopes of our loved ones acceptance in the form of telling us what we want to hear regardless if the comment or sentiment was genuine or not. This is why I said you or your girlfriend may be half right or fully right. I personally have been in uncertain states of limbo, when I wasn't sure what to classify myself as. But the fact is there are countless states in between traditional male and female.  She may not have meant to offend you, however it would seem that she certainly shook and not stirred your martini. I've learned to classify myself as a m2f non-binary, male and female presenting, "woman-loving" multividual. Yes something of an unusual mix of uncertainties indeed, However I have found that I am not alone and that there are many others that think exactly as I do and there are people that share the same, exact same issues as you, probably minus the peculiar nuances that are unique to your life but you get the point.  However I say if it is not immoral, illegal, or does not harm you or anyone else then do what makes you happy in your mind, your heart, and in your soul.  God bless you on your journey, and may you find peace and the answers you seek along the way.

Thank you for your words of support. (And for the compliment; I'm a writer, so it's always nice to hear good things about something I post.)


As far as my situation, the way I see it, there are three basic possibilities:


1) This is some kind of screwed-up phase that I'm in, for whatever reason, and eventually I'll go back to the way I felt before

2) I'm somewhere in the middle/on the third branch of the gender spectrum, and this is the manifestation of years of not doing much to express it - feeling unacknowledged, in a sense.

and 3) I'm transgender.


Going by instinct and raw feeling, I notice that the 'middle' option makes me uncomfortable. It doesn't appeal to me, it doesn't feel right, even if it's a less drastic realization, even if it seems to 'make more sense' as a progression from my prior self. (I felt like something other than a boy for years before this, it's just that the eruption of dysphoria has made it that much more powerful and real.) But going back to the thought experiment of the magic buttons, let's say we're each presented with three buttons: the first erases your dysphoria, leaving your physical self exactly the same, essentially making you the cisgender form of your assigned sex, while the second transforms you into the opposite gender, erasing your dysphoria and making you a perfectly 'normal' cisgender member of the opposite sex. If we add a third button, where pressing it will allow you to transform into whatever mix of gender traits/sexual characteristics you might fancy - the 'third option' button, essentially - then whatever button gives you the most immediate feeling of longing or appeal ought to tell you something about your identity.

For me, it's definitely the the second one. Given the choice to rid myself of dysphoria in any of these three ways, instinct and emotion pull me towards "cis girl". Which, as people have pointed out to me since I started talking about this online, may be exactly why I might seem biased toward that outcome, you know?

Mod Edit:Language

Hi to Everyone on this Thread:

It's great to hear each of you share and support one another, and in doing so to find understanding and relief that you aren't alone or bizarre.  Quite the contrary, you are terrific people on a journey of discovery and exploration that fleshes out your being in the face of a mysterious and almost magical gift.

It has been over a decade since I've had those feelings you are encountering and yet they are still so accessible.  Which reminds me that I found the world is not generally geared to help "us" understand and sort out the noise from the soul's message to our brain.  That I still have doubt so close to me says tons . . . but in my doubt and you in yours there is a winnowing out of the noise as we share and seek out others to share our journey with. 

From my vantage point I see several wonderful people sorting it out, making sense out of the noise, and moving further along their appointed path.  Know that the world awaits the real you.

Why would I even post this - it's obvious, right?  Well maybe but often not so much.  I really encourage you to keep the conversation alive (not necessarily this thread only) and continue to explore and share.  In doing so you will find yourselves in your that special place in life much sooner and with less pain and anguish.  For that I speak from much experience.

Sent with much joy and love for you all,

Rachel

Quote from: Qrachel on December 17, 2015, 08:02:19 PM
Hi to Everyone on this Thread:

It's great to hear each of you share and support one another, and in doing so to find understanding and relief that you aren't alone or bizarre.  Quite the contrary, you are terrific people on a journey of discovery and exploration that fleshes out your being in the face of a mysterious and almost magical gift.

It has been over a decade since I've had those feelings you are encountering and yet they are still so accessible.  Which reminds me that I found the world is not generally geared to help "us" understand and sort out the noise from the soul's message to our brain.  That I still have doubt so close to me says tons . . . but in my doubt and you in yours there is a winnowing out of the noise as we share and seek out others to share our journey with. 

From my vantage point I see several wonderful people sorting it out, making sense out of the noise, and moving further along their appointed path.  Know that the world awaits the real you.

Why would I even post this - it's obvious, right?  Well maybe but often not so much.  I really encourage you to keep the conversation alive (not necessarily this thread only) and continue to explore and share.  In doing so you will find yourselves in your that special place in life much sooner and with less pain and anguish.  For that I speak from much experience.

Sent with much joy and love for you all,

Rachel

Rachel,

your kind words bring such a smile to my face, and give me strength and hope for my future. Ever since I joined Susan's place it has been amazing to have other people to talk to, read about and share experiences with.

It's indispensable to know that other people have gone and are currently going through what I'm going through, or at least their own version of it. It's amazing how I've felt accepted as a part of this community since day 1. This is an extremely special place that we can all come to better understand ourselves, with the help of others. When you tell me I'm wonderful, I truly feel wonderful! As are all of you! Thank you again!

Ry


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Wow. I'm really not alone then, and so many people seem to be where I am now. Also, that "third button" above might be what I'd do. I'm thinking I may want to do every step of transition (get rid of body hair, grow breasts, alter my voice, etc.) but stop short of SRS because I'm fine with what I have down there, and was thinking maybe I'm not really trans because of it; I was uncertain of the "if you could be permanently female" question because of that factor as well.

Quote from: Debra on December 17, 2015, 09:05:31 AM
You may think so but your story is not unique. Neither are your doubts.

We all come from some kind of similar pivotal point where we started to realize something was going on. And we all have doubts along the way.

Yes. For me, it started last summer when I decided to try shaving my pubic hair. I'd always hated it and had been wondering about getting rid of it for a long time, yet when I finally did, I had another thought that maybe it would be better to shave my chest hair as well. The rest of my body hair soon followed, but after I had done that and had been doing it regularly for a while, the sense that I could do better didn't really go away. I thought of finding ways to be more androgynous and had thoughts of wanting to present as female occasionally to experiment. Eventually in late October I found myself asking "If you could have any type of body you wanted without any social consequences, what would it be?" The answer came to me almost immediately, and it was not the one I had always assumed. All the memories of wanting to be a girl when I was 13, my interest in gender-bender stories, all the little unexplainable inconsistencies in my life came into focus then. That was my pivotal moment.

The thought that maybe I would feel better about myself as a woman than as a man was (still is) one that I have been having real trouble accepting, and there was nobody IRL who  I felt comfortable discussing with. I joined the forums here a couple days after that moment in order to find answers, and all the advice I'm getting is great. I don't know what I'd be doing without you right now.

Quote from: Qrachel on December 17, 2015, 08:02:19 PM
Hi to Everyone on this Thread:

It's great to hear each of you share and support one another, and in doing so to find understanding and relief that you aren't alone or bizarre.  Quite the contrary, you are terrific people on a journey of discovery and exploration that fleshes out your being in the face of a mysterious and almost magical gift.

It has been over a decade since I've had those feelings you are encountering and yet they are still so accessible.  Which reminds me that I found the world is not generally geared to help "us" understand and sort out the noise from the soul's message to our brain.  That I still have doubt so close to me says tons . . . but in my doubt and you in yours there is a winnowing out of the noise as we share and seek out others to share our journey with. 

From my vantage point I see several wonderful people sorting it out, making sense out of the noise, and moving further along their appointed path.  Know that the world awaits the real you.

Why would I even post this - it's obvious, right?  Well maybe but often not so much.  I really encourage you to keep the conversation alive (not necessarily this thread only) and continue to explore and share.  In doing so you will find yourselves in your that special place in life much sooner and with less pain and anguish.  For that I speak from much experience.

Sent with much joy and love for you all,

Rachel

This is a wonderful message. I think my favorite part is this:

"...you aren't alone or bizarre.  Quite the contrary, you are terrific people on a journey of discovery and exploration that fleshes out your being in the face of a mysterious and almost magical gift."

That's so beautiful. It refocuses my thoughts on what is really at the essence of this whole struggle: peace, joy, and purity to our selves.

Thank you.
<3

Quote from: a-glass-brightly on December 18, 2015, 10:51:06 AM
This is a wonderful message. I think my favorite part is this:

"...you aren't alone or bizarre.  Quite the contrary, you are terrific people on a journey of discovery and exploration that fleshes out your being in the face of a mysterious and almost magical gift."

That's so beautiful. It refocuses my thoughts on what is really at the essence of this whole struggle: peace, joy, and purity to our selves.

Thank you.
<3

Very much agree with her positive perspectives.

Hi All:  I'm just glad to be here and sit on the sidelines and listen, smile, remember and wonder . . . thank you for the kind words.       Who knows for even my journey goes on and on like for Bilbo, Frodo and company.  Hmmm, Susan's as the Shire - now that's an interesting thought!

Rachel