I shaved off my beard for the second time (the first time was back in July), and, just like last time, I'm repulsed every time I see my face in the mirror.

I think it's a combination of:

1.  I unconsciously felt that the beard hid my face, so I didn't have to see how awful it is, and
2.  In the 40+ years that I've had it, I've learned to look at my face without actually seeing it.  Now that it looks different, I have to relearn seeing without seeing it.

Objectively, I know it's not bad, and last night, when I went out to a dance, a number of the women there said I looked better without the beard.  But as far back as I can remember, I've always felt repulsed by my body, which is probably why I usually prefer to wear clothes that cover as much as possible, and the beard did it for my face.  Like with a lot of other things (e.g., gender dysphoria), I've gotten through life so far by telling myself that I can't do anything about my repulsive body so just don't think about it.

When I shaved it off last time, I grew it back as fast as possible.  However, I plan to transition, and I would not want to have a beard while living as a woman.  So I guess I'll just have to get inured to it, the way I have to the rest of my body.  The "life sucks, and then you die" approach.

It really sucks, though.

I have the same problem, including the part where I wore the beard as a shield. I shaved my beard off last Summer when I started therapy, because it felt way too weird to be talking to a gender therapist while sporting a big, grey face full o' hair. I still don't like my face much, but after the shock of shaving wore off, I got used to it. Now I feel about the same without it as I did when I had it. It's kind of nice to feel cheek skin once in a while.

 Asche, Your post struck a cord and I thought I'd share my thoughts about the whole beard , mustache thing. For most of my adult life I sported a really big mustache ( I mean REAL big ). Over the years I shaved it off a number of times when the desire to be the real me became overwhelming. These early attempts at presenting as the true me were pretty much failures, mainly due to the guilt and shame I felt at the time. The mustache was always quickly regrown. About 10 years ago at a really low point in my life both professionally and personally, one morning I just shaved the darn thing off. I haven't had the desire to regrow it since.I think it was a very early step in admitting to myself who I really am. I'll admit it's taken another 9 odd years to finally get my butt into therapy and really accept who I am.
I've come to realize the mustache was part of the ultra masculine persona I'd carefully built my whole life to hid the girl from the world and from myself. I don't think it ever had anything to do with hiding facial features that I might have felt were too masculine. I do understand your comment of looking at your face but not really seeing it. I've done the same thing for a long time. Recently I've had a mini revelation that has calmed that down considerably. One day looking in the mirror while doing my makeup it suddenly occurred to me that I have a lot of the same facial features as my mother and her sisters. With the exception of my nose which I inherited from my grandfather a lot of the features I've always thought were very male are actually the same features my mother had, go figure.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is maybe the beard hasn't been so much about hiding what you don't like as it is a way of hiding the real you from the rest of the world ?
 

Up until a few months ago I would grow out my beard for months At a time, and if I did shave I would just Trim it to a short beard or at the least leave a goatee. I think it was for the same reason lostCharlie states. I wasn't ready to accept who I was so I used it as part of my masculine persona, almost like a mask, and I would keep it because other guys I knew would tell me how "sick" my beard was. This made me feel like the man I was expected to be. The few times I did shave it clean I would look in the mirror and hate what I saw. Just some baby faced boy that hated himself. Now that I'm starting to accept some of my feminine qualities I'm starting to like being able to see my face more, especially when I do makeup. I haven't shaved it down clean to the skin yet, just an electric razor, but I've been keeping up on it way more than I have basically since I started growing facial hair and for once in my life it's starting to feel good to see my whole face and sometimes even makes me smile. Seems like it's all part of the journey to have this type of dysphoria, but keep at it, it will get better!

Much love!

Ry


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i grew a mustache to hide my girly face and it defined me as male,when i clean shave i look like my middle sis and mom..my wife loves the mustache,so in between times of full dressing i grow it out,she hates me shaving it off more then having problems with me dressing,she don't mind the dressing,she just doesn't like me shaving the mustache off..while she has been away i cut it off and told her,she blew her top..lol she knows i been dressing more since she has been gone which she doesn't mind though..weird how some people can get attached to something...like my wife keeps telling me she didn't marry a woman,and i tell her in a way she did..lol

I understand you very much when it comes to facial dysphoria. It's a common issue for many trans people. If you want to pass as female, beard isn't the solution. Yea, you cover your face, but no matter you have a masculine face or not, beard wouldn't help you. You would look more feminine clean shaven than with beard even with masculine face. I know you wouldn't have it post-transistion. But before transistion, you can still look a bit more feminine with a bit styling, so you can be a bit more comfortable in your skin. Maybe wear some clothes you like and have a haircut you know you will love. If you like makeup or extra things, you can use it. I want people to be comfortable in their own skin. But if you're really comfortable and love your beard, I respect you for that. I just came with some tips.

Quote from: lostcharlie on December 19, 2015, 09:52:30 AM

Recently I've had a mini revelation that has calmed that down considerably. One day looking in the mirror while doing my makeup it suddenly occurred to me that I have a lot of the same facial features as my mother and her sisters. With the exception of my nose which I inherited from my grandfather a lot of the features I've always thought were very male are actually the same features my mother had, go figure.

I too did the beard and mustache thing for most of my life, for the exact same reasons. At one stretch I kept a full beard for almost 20 yrs.  I don't miss it though and electrolysis has been my friend of late.  If that statement is even possible.

lostcharlie: Your comment about your mother reminds me of how I never knew how to react to people who would say "you look just like your mother."  She was a beautiful woman and my dysphoria would tell me "maybe I should have been a girl" I am one of 10 - 5 brothers and 4 sisters & the only one who favored her. I wonder now that I have transitioned if I will look more & more like her as I age as a woman.  And I'm already "old"

Hugz,

Joi

I understand it can be hard shaving and having a beard, but personally I look forward to it every day 

I didn't grow a beard to appear more masculine.  In fact, I've never wanted to look masculine.  In the past, the only reason I didn't want to look feminine was because I expected, based on childhood experiences, to get harrassed or worse for it.  (I'm now transitioning to female.)

My reasoning for a beard:

1.  I hate to shave.  It's a pain.  I now think the fact that it's a mascuine ritual put me off, too.

2.  The "5'o'clock shadow" look comes across more masculine to me than a proper beard.  Since those childhood experiences left me with an aversion to all things masculine, I am grossed out just by the idea of looking that way.

(Of course, that could all be just an elaborate rationalization.)

I've never really liked my beard.  Of course, I've never really liked any part of me.  It has always been just one of those things that I have to put up with, like male pattern baldness.  And now I'm getting rid of it for good: I've done about 6 months of electrolysis, and hope to be done in a few years (my estimate, the electrolygist won't give an estimate, except to say "years.")

I think lostcharlie has a good point about "hiding the real you from the rest of the world."  It's not exactly about hiding "the girl within," because I've never had a sense that my inner self had any gender at all.  But I definitely have the feeling that if people knew the real me, they would want nothing to do with me (heck, I wouldn't have anything to do with me if I had a choice.)  As it is, I always imagine that people sense how awful I am inside and only tolerate me because social rules forbid them to show what they really think of me.

Quote from: Asche on December 19, 2015, 05:30:31 PM
I didn't grow a beard to appear more masculine.  In fact, I've never wanted to look masculine.  In the past, the only reason I didn't want to look feminine was because I expected, based on childhood experiences, to get harrassed or worse for it.  (I'm now transitioning to female.)

My reasoning for a beard:

1.  I hate to shave.  It's a pain.  I now think the fact that it's a masculine ritual put me off, too.

2.  The "5'o'clock shadow" look comes across more masculine to me than a proper beard.  Since those childhood experiences left me with an aversion to all things masculine, I am grossed out just by the idea of looking that way.

(Of course, that could all be just an elaborate rationalization.)

I've never really liked my beard.  Of course, I've never really liked any part of me.  It has always been just one of those things that I have to put up with, like male pattern baldness.  And now I'm getting rid of it for good: I've done about 6 months of electrolysis, and hope to be done in a few years (my estimate, the electrolygist won't give an estimate, except to say "years.")

I think lostcharlie has a good point about "hiding the real you from the rest of the world."  It's not exactly about hiding "the girl within," because I've never had a sense that my inner self had any gender at all.  But I definitely have the feeling that if people knew the real me, they would want nothing to do with me (heck, I wouldn't have anything to do with me if I had a choice.)  As it is, I always imagine that people sense how awful I am inside and only tolerate me because social rules forbid them to show what they really think of me.

I just misunderstood you, sorry. Even I'm transgender too, I'm not used to this case. Cis girls with hair at their legs and with facial hair do shave. Then I believed women hated their own facial hair and would shave it off no matter how they looked and how pain in the ass it is. I know only cis women. In fact, shaving isn't a man's thing. In the society today, women shaves as well. I knew a old lady who shaved her face, because facial hair. So don't worry so much about the shaving thing. Many cis women shaves.

In my option, long beard and full beard can be more masculine than stubble. Not always, but often. By the way, everybody has some good with them. It can be talent, personality trait or something else. Anyway, we hasn't only negative sides with us. I'm pretty sure you has something positive with you too. Not every strangers in our society would look down at you. It would always be somebody who like you no matter what. We're all difference and likes difference things. There are some ally in the world. If you feel very depressed and think it's a dark time in your life, you can try to look at the bright side. Maybe look forward to your transistion or something fun you're going to do soon. That may help you.