My days have been bouncing from good to bad for the past week, but lately whether or not my day was good or not, I find I'm always enjoying some old school music. I don't mean Elvis or Michael Jackson, I mean like the big four of metal (Slayer, Trivium, Metallica, and Megadeath). I've been listening to a lot more of their work considering I can find a meaning in their music (not saying other music genres don't have any). I've grown accustomed to listening to these songs while growing up, but now the words and sounds seem to be warping for me, but not in a bad way. They've been changing in way that encourages me to transition. Even now while writing this, I always have something playing. Not only has it inspired me to transition, it's making want to play more as well. Being a guitarist, this is a major breakthrough (or so I think).
I've been reading these past few days instead of writing in hope that I could feel better about transitioning because lately, I've been getting more lectures about my nails (my aunt went on a rant while our neighbors said to just be me. Also, I don't even feel as if I'm "transgender". Is this normal? Like, it's still my first and last thought of every day, but I just don't feel the anxiety anymore, like I just feel the way I used to about it. I'm still into all the clothes and going by my new name, having my nails done, etc. Is this just me finally accepting me for being transgender or have I exasperated all the energy I could on the matter and have just moved on?
Going with the posts I read, some of them scare me so I'm questioning if I should transition because I'm scared of them happening to me. I know no one can predict the future and that any and all outcomes may be affect me. What would I do if I got denied anything? What if something goes wrong with HRT or during surgery and I get permanently affected (not in a good way)?
These are some of the main things that I think about every day. But since I've combined my regular music playlists with some more older or "emotionally stronger" music, I've been feeling more... in thought? I space out a lot more than usual, and that's saying something because I'm very quiet. Is all of this to blame on my music? Being 18 I know I'm still growing, but is my mindset in the right place? I'm I asking the "right" questions? I feel as if I'm missing something. Have you guys found inspiration? I'm on the borderline for deciding whether or not my music is being a positive influence on this situation anymore or if it's causing more than helping. What do you guys think?
Rachel
