Just thought i would recommend this documentary, its about twin brothers growing up together and the struggles they went through as they discovered their own unique identities.

I watched it this morning since i woke up and couldnt get back to sleep and think i cried a bit for the first time in a few years as i reflected upon their struggles and my own.

Repression is a powerful defense mechanism for the brain and is it just me or as i continue on this journey those walls just keep crumbling down around my inner thoughts and memories bringing flashbacks of memories at the weirdest of times.

Im really contemplating starting a journal to track and make note of these triggers and the memories to enhance my first therapy session on the 28th.

~Shan~

Where were you able to find the full version of this doc? It sounds very interesting to me and the repression is something I've been dealing with in particular. This has always been one of my strongest defense mechanisms, and even now as I try to face what I think has been repressed for most of my life I find myself at times trying to repress it further. To quote the poet R. Kelly, it's like "my mind keeps tellin me no... But my body keeps tellin me yeah". I mean this in the sense that thoughts run through my mind like, "could you really want this?", "you're not just making his up?", "aren't you just creating more pain for yourself?", "people will not accept you", "better to just stuff it back down until it goes away". But I feel as though this is just my brain trying to throw the walls back up.

On the other hand my body (and obviously at the end of the day my brain too) says yes! When I wear any of my womens clothes, even just underwear, when I see my nails painted or see myself with makeup on. I also feel like a few mannerisms that I tried to delete when I was a teenager because they came off as "gay" or "too feminine" have started to surface again, and I remember before I became self conscious of what people would think I liked these mannerisms. I even find myself practicing my walk occasionally, pretty much subconsciously. I've also worn underwear under my male clothes to work a few times and it somehow makes me feel better or more centered.

Have you had any of these experiences?


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I found it on qbittorrent's search engine after looking up trans movies on imdb

~Shan~

RP1713. Yes, I had the same feelings you do. My heart saying yes and my brain saying no. I managed to keep them at bay for years but it finally came to a point where I could no longer do that and the flood gates opened and everything came pouring out.

I sought out help and with professionals, became the woman I am today. Looking back, it all seemed so long ago and as a result I feel so much better inside. No yes/no struggles. I can look at myself and see only one person in the mirror now.

I enjoyed the little feminine things I did like paint my nails, wear some clothes even under dressing for work. I know I felt so much better but at the time didn't really understand why.

As I said, eventually I couldn't do it any more and began my transition. Now your story may not turn out like mine nor does it have to. Your destination and speed is in your hands but you aren't alone with the feelings you have.

Love,
Clare

I do wear womens underwear or try to lol it can be challenging to keep everything in place, ive found shapers that work well.

I also wear unpadded bras or lightly padded sports bras to work and conceal it pretty easily with a hoodie or loose sweater, i have a small b cup 37" under bust and 41" over bust naturally.

I have also begun to wear a light amount of makeup mainly CC cream, coverup and blushes. Nothing crazy but i get compliments on how young i look all the time and get aged around 20-25, and considering im 31 in january it feels great.

I like to wear nice clothes to work functions ie our xmas party i pulled off a dress shirt with a argyle vest with my unpadded bra underneath, i dont think anyone noticed but i bet some were left guessing lol plus it feels great bumping my boobs with my arms giving myself a kind reminder im wearing a bra.

In non formal events i typically wear buffalo jeans that i tuck in easily they also show off my bum nicely, check your local buy and sell pages like varage sale or kijiji i picked up most of my name brand jeans for $10-$20 a pair when they retail up to $200.

The best part is mens and womens name brand jeans are nearly identical so no one really questions it these days unless you get the ones with flashy back pockets, which i dont.

~Shan~

I also get away with casual 3/4 length sleeve shirts, i dress fairly metro sexual.

If i was a cis woman id definitly be a tom boy lol.

~Shan~

The nwxt step for me is growing out my hair here are some of the styles i like, my wife says only older women have short hair styles lol but i like them and theyre gender neutral imo.








~Shan~

Dear Shan:

My, my, loved the pics!

Also, keeping a journal is a great way to work through stuff and do some self-discovery.  If you are so inclined, I'd say go for it!

Take care,

Rachel