So, yesterday, I already went through this mess, only to be told that my levels look good. I hate going to hospitals more than ever, now. Not that it was better before I knew I was trans, but now that I know I am its a constant misgendering, privacy breaking fun fest for all the medical staff.

Because of the mishaps yesterday, I ended up having to skip my dialysis treatments and already am feeling its horrible effects. I am beginning to feel short of breath and a steady chest pain on my left side.

I am too nervous to ask for help again, only to be rudely addressed by my assigned name and gender even after requesting that I be addressed in male pronouns and referred to as Phoenix or Mr. (insert last name here).

I don't want to spend another $600 to $800 out of my insurance money for yet another trip to the hospital with very rude paramedics again. I don't want to be admitted into the hospital just to be called painful things like "sweetie," "honey," "miss," "ma'am,""(insert assigned name at birth here )," ""pretty," the list goes on. Its like the universe is trying to prepare me for returning to living as female. Like it wants me to give up and succumb to its ruthless desires of me being a woman as society really seems to want. I mean, the more I go against this mechanical monster known as society, the more worn down, stressed out and hurt I feel. I would rather remain sick when I think about this, but at the same time, I know if I do I'm going to be in serious trouble with my physical health.

Since all of my friends are in my head, I don't know any real people outside of my head who can transport me to the hospital. I don't want to go through what happened yesterday again. I swear I don't. All I want to do is sleep. I have no motivation to move forward. Its like whatever schemes the spiteful, foreigner techs had against me was devised to purposely make me feel this way so I would go to another facility. They are celebrating now because they know they screwed up my usual routine. And they know that if they do that, they screw me up. Everyone wants to see me blow up and make a scene so I can be sent into the mental hospital. It really gets them off. I don't know.

Do one of two things, call a cab to get to the hospital or call the dialysis office. You may be building up excessive fluid and that can be dangerous causing lasting damage. It is possible they can work an appointment in for treatment or suggest a way to buy time. Also you should stop your fluid/food intake until you get some input from a medical professional as to what you can consume until your next appointment. You need to get help now because the amount of fluid they removed last time is a balancing act and you need to adjust for the missed appointment.

Quote from: Dena on December 20, 2015, 09:20:59 AM
Do one of two things, call a cab to get to the hospital or call the dialysis office. You may be building up excessive fluid and that can be dangerous causing lasting damage. It is possible they can work an appointment in for treatment or suggest a way to buy time. Also you should stop your fluid/food intake until you get some input from a medical professional as to what you can consume until your next appointment. You need to get help now because the amount of fluid they removed last time is a balancing act and you need to adjust for the missed appointment.

Hello Dena. How are you today?

Thanks for the swift reply and great advice, as always.

However, calling a cab would not suffice in my case, because I don't have any money. I am broke 96% of the time and I am broke right now. And the dialysis office I go to is closed. In fact, they all are. I suppose I should at least try getting in touch with an after-hours nurse and see what they think I should do. But I might end up having to call for an ambulance yet again.  Why does the divinity of this universe wish to see me suffer so much before I die and am cast out into nothingness?

Call the nurse and mention your money issues as well. If nothing else, the nurse may be able to squeeze you in for an appointment as soon as the office opens.  You still have the card of the cabbie that liked you, maybe he will let you pay him back latter. I know the problem but possibly somebody would provide the amount of the cab fare.

If you can, I think in the future you need to set up an emergency fund to be used for things like this. Whenever you can, slip a few dollars in it so you don't always have to rely on somebody else.

Thanks for your help, Dena.

That cab driver, I disassociated myself from him long ago. I feel like he only wanted to know me so he could possibly take advantage of me sexually, like most cis guys do. He sent very inappropriate pictures to my phone the very next day and we haven't spoke ever since. I wasn't shocked because I was already expecting that.

I have no money.

Don't know what to do but just eat myself to death with the little food I have around here.

Call the nurse, or your social worker. Perhaps one of them can help.

Dude, listen. To prepare yourself for being a man, you're going to have to thicken your skin. Think of it as practice at not giving a darn and not showing how you feel, because you're probably going to have to do this at some point in future. And I don't just mean thicken your skin because male, but because it's healthier in general not to be upset at lots of small things all the time. By all means be upset and angry at very important things, things that truly matter and need attention, but these people are not important in your life. They are background noise. And there is too much background noise to listen to constantly. 

Misgendering is gonna be a reality until you put your transitional plans in motion, you can't really blame other people for that, and some people will always be jerks even if you ask them nicely. This is just how it is. All my experience of the male brain and males I know in general is that on the whole, they know it too... and the only way forward is to prioritize what exactly is worth getting upset about and what isn't.

Personally I've always loved a male character in a movie or a game or whatever who was able to let insults aimed at him slide off his back. The guys who get angry and pissy because someone called them whatever and start posturing look so small compared to the guys who just level their gaze at whoever's talking and have this facial expression that reads like... you and your words are so not important I am not even going to waste the energy of a comeback. That's all they are, words.

you have only two choices as far as I know from the info you have given., call the nurse or the ambulance

you need to do this ASAP

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on December 20, 2015, 10:14:07 AM
Dude, listen. To prepare yourself for being a man, you're going to have to thicken your skin. Think of it as practice at not giving a darn and not showing how you feel, because you're probably going to have to do this at some point in future. And I don't just mean thicken your skin because male, but because it's healthier in general not to be upset at lots of small things all the time. By all means be upset and angry at very important things, things that truly matter and need attention, but these people are not important in your life. They are background noise. And there is too much background noise to listen to constantly. 

Misgendering is gonna be a reality until you put your transitional plans in motion, you can't really blame other people for that, and some people will always be jerks even if you ask them nicely. This is just how it is. All my experience of the male brain and males I know in general is that on the whole, they know it too... and the only way forward is to prioritize what exactly is worth getting upset about and what isn't.

Personally I've always loved a male character in a movie or a game or whatever who was able to let insults aimed at him slide off his back. The guys who get angry and pissy because someone called them whatever and start posturing look so small compared to the guys who just level their gaze at whoever's talking and have this facial expression that reads like... you and your words are so not important I am not even going to waste the energy of a comeback. That's all they are, words.

Yeah. I want to be this way. Its so hard though. I know I make posts where I might seem like a "thug," but I'm the softest plush teddy bear ever. 

I am a huge empath and will cry at the most unimportant things. I don't know how I can become invulnerable to this, but to be honest, I think I am slowly getting better at it. Its just gonna take some time.

I agree that the bigger man is the man who shows resilience when in the face of an insult and things of that nature. Almost reminds me of the dude from Road House that Patrick Swayze (R.I.P. Pat ) played as. He remained so calm, cool, collected and composed (as I like to call, The 4 C's of Peace) throughout the entire film. Though I honestly hated this movie, I did like the way the main character was portrayed to an extent.

I know it was just a movie, but I think people can really achieve this level of subtlety. I remember as a kid how a substitute teacher (who was also the counselor) from my elementary school days, had the students do an exercise where two kids would walk side by side down an isle of other kids who were asked to say hurtful, teasing and annoying things to purposely push those kids' buttons who walked down that "Isle of Hell." I didn't understand its purpose then, but as an adult, I do now.

I am going against what I preached. I mean, I told one fellow on here basically the same thing you are telling me, T.K.G.W. I don't know what's causing me to feel so defeated, but I think I better call emergency and ask for admission so I can get dialysis as soon as possible. I'm gonna use your words as a shield against the cruelty of misgendering. Like you said, this is just background noise and should not be allowed to get in my way of getting treatment.

Thanks, man.

Thank you too, Dena. 

Quote from: King Phoenix on December 20, 2015, 10:36:03 AM
Yeah. I want to be this way. Its so hard though. I know I make posts where I might seem like a "thug," but I'm the softest plush teddy bear ever. 

I am a huge empath and will cry at the most unimportant things. I don't know how I can become invulnerable to this, but to be honest, I think I am slowly getting better at it. Its just gonna take some time.

I agree that the bigger man is the man who shows resilience when in the face of an insult and things of that nature. Almost reminds me of the dude from Road House that Patrick Swayze (R.I.P. Pat ) played as. He remained so calm, cool, collected and composed (as I like to call, The 4 C's of Peace) throughout the entire film. Though I honestly hated this movie, I did like the way the main character was portrayed to an extent.

I know it was just a movie, but I think people can really achieve this level of subtlety. I remember as a kid how a substitute teacher (who was also the counselor) from my elementary school days, had the students do an exercise where two kids would walk side by side down an isle of other kids who were asked to say hurtful, teasing and annoying things to purposely push those kids' buttons who walked down that "Isle of Hell." I didn't understand its purpose then, but as an adult, I do now.

I am going against what I preached. I mean, I told one fellow on here basically the same thing you are telling me, T.K.G.W. I don't know what's causing me to feel so defeated, but I think I better call emergency and ask for admission so I can get dialysis as soon as possible. I'm gonna use your words as a shield against the cruelty of misgendering. Like you said, this is just background noise and should not be allowed to get in my way of getting treatment.

Thanks, man.

Thank you too, Dena. 

In whatever way is possible for you at this moment, please go to the hospital and have your dialysis.

The way I was able to become not as bothered of individuals' opinions, was to work very hard to towards defeating my gender dysphoria and other issues, by becoming a person I would love. As a result, I still have incessant gender dysphoria, but I went from someone who wished they were invisible, to now having half of me always feel like I am never good enough, but having the other half see my point of view as more valuable than those around me. Unless you are very aware of your nature and find love along the way, this can be miserable state, but if you are not born into secure environment, it may be the only way for you to eventually find security.

Use role models you admire, like Patrick Swayze's character in Road House, and emulate them, but constantly be aware of your shortcomings, so you build a foundation you viscerally trust and do not become a caricature. Eventually, when you juxtapose yourself against others, you will see how much more Patrick Swayze like you are than them, and then you will value your point of view more than theirs.

Be skeptical of my advice, because I still oscillate into periods of depression (primarily because I need to sacrifice transitioning for the near future), but I have gone from being the most ostracized student in my high school and chronically suicidal, to no longer having social anxiety, being capable of effortlessly establishing relationship, and doing so while keeping my outer and inner selves aligned.

Quote from: King Phoenix on December 20, 2015, 10:36:03 AM
Yeah. I want to be this way. Its so hard though. I know I make posts where I might seem like a "thug," but I'm the softest plush teddy bear ever. 

I am a huge empath and will cry at the most unimportant things. I don't know how I can become invulnerable to this, but to be honest, I think I am slowly getting better at it. Its just gonna take some time.

I agree that the bigger man is the man who shows resilience when in the face of an insult and things of that nature. Almost reminds me of the dude from Road House that Patrick Swayze (R.I.P. Pat ) played as. He remained so calm, cool, collected and composed (as I like to call, The 4 C's of Peace) throughout the entire film. Though I honestly hated this movie, I did like the way the main character was portrayed to an extent.

I know it was just a movie, but I think people can really achieve this level of subtlety. I remember as a kid how a substitute teacher (who was also the counselor) from my elementary school days, had the students do an exercise where two kids would walk side by side down an isle of other kids who were asked to say hurtful, teasing and annoying things to purposely push those kids' buttons who walked down that "Isle of Hell." I didn't understand its purpose then, but as an adult, I do now.

I am going against what I preached. I mean, I told one fellow on here basically the same thing you are telling me, T.K.G.W. I don't know what's causing me to feel so defeated, but I think I better call emergency and ask for admission so I can get dialysis as soon as possible. I'm gonna use your words as a shield against the cruelty of misgendering. Like you said, this is just background noise and should not be allowed to get in my way of getting treatment.

Thanks, man.

Thank you too, Dena. 

No problem.

Nothing wrong with having a soft side (I have one too), but kinda like how you don't want your innards on the outside where they'll constantly be damaged, you want a skin or some kind of barrier to protect you from feeling too much all of the time. I used to have problems with feeling too much, feeling more pain for some of the friends I was trying to help than they were feeling when they were having problems for example, or just carrying the weight of all the screwed up stuff in the world on your shoulders... you don't need to do that. It's not something you should have to carry, and even if you did, just carrying it and feeling it still doesn't help anyone else, much less you. It's not some responsibility that you're bound to. I'm not saying be an unfeeling jerk or be selfish and insensitive or anything - but just to accept that even if we worry about every injustice we hear about... unless we dedicate our lives to fighting it, worrying about it a lot is just pointless. I can't dedicate myself to fighting it because I'm just trying to get by and make a modest living myself, but I will help out others if I can. But feeling too much all of the time was just bad for my mental health.

So dealing with it is a matter of justifying that you don't deserve to feel so bad all the time by these things since it isn't serving a lot of good for you or anyone. I donate to homeless shelters, and Wiki and animal charities and disaster relief and so on if I can afford it, but I still have my own problems and my own life to worry about. And that's fine. Look after #1, because if you don't #1 won't be able to look after anyone, much less himself. You gotta get yourself in shape, body and mind, and then you'll be able to take on the world, as it were. Or start helping out others and sharing in their problems and issues. Make sure you are ok first, then then you can be the change you wanna see in the world.

With the role models, well we all need those sorts of inspirations; I've had plenty of them from all kind of sources, real life, history, movies, books, people I know, etc. You really can work toward whatever person you want to be - although yours will be a unique take on it and not some copy of an archetype. A person can have many layers, anyway. They might be tough on the outside, softer on the inside, tough sometimes, not so tough others... or a whole bunch of things. You can be whatever you want to be. At the moment I still feel a bit more than I would like to - I sure wish I could flip a switch and shut off the "FEELINGS" department of my brain when it's not something I wanna deal with, but for now I just remember that it's not fair to beat myself up with emotions about things. And if I see something that really disgusts me about humanity - I go find some examples that show people can be just as good as they can be bad. Gotta keep it balanced. 

Misgendering can be cruel, especially if its intentionally done, but I think I would just keep offering preferred gender to myself at this point so that it couldn't be used as a weapon against me. If I felt vulnerable about it, I'd keep it close to the chest while I was feeling down or raw. There's also the perspective that misgendering can make us feel bad, but there's a lot worse that could happen to us than that. That's not an ideal thing to say but it's still a perspective that helps, I think.