I'm not inclined to use the word hate, though on many days I do still hate my body.  I've been on HRT for over 3 years and I still am at odds with it.  My levels are normal for a cis woman I get them checked all the time, I've had obvious changes, but I still (mostly) don't look like a woman to myself.  I know that the issue is bone structure, it's just too big and male obviously.  Many many women's clothes still look ridiculous on my body and if they don't look ridiculous they just make me look male.  Very rarely do I think I look ok.  And I'm almost never correctly gendered.  However, in queer circles, like amongst trans women, I'm easily read as female, even if obviously trans, and many think I'm quite cute.  This never really translates over to main society/cisociety tho.  I honestly don't even care too much about passing...but blending in would be nice and not sticking out like a sore thumb and I tend to because I'm built so big bone wise. (and I'm only 6 feet so it's not my height)  People say it's all in my head and I've measured every aspect of my body and yeah things are bigger but not outside bigger taller female ranges...like I have big ankles that are 10 inches but it's not like I've never met any other trans women who don't have that, nor do I expect it doesn't exists with a few bigger cis some  here and there.  But despite all of it I'm just overall very big...I hate it and I hate how awkward and male it makes my body look...I'd even rather be a few inches taller and just have a much more andro or femme frame to work with.  I just want to be able to like my body, to be able to see myself as me and I still mostly don't, even if it is a little better than before transition, it's still never even close to as good as my body peace was before puberty.

I've been on HRT for 11 months and I like my body.  Sure, I wish I was more petite, shorter, smaller boned, etc.  But those are things I cannot change so I don't agonize over them. 

Something I have noticed looking around is that women, like men, come in all shapes and sizes and range from the very attractive to the not so much.  Seeing that and seeing myself I fit.  Hopefully with more time I'll fit even more.

Also I think self perception is more than just what you see reflected in the mirror.  That certainly helps, and maybe helps a lot.  More than that though it is what you see reflected in your mind.  In the past year my mirror reflection has certainly changed, but not to the point that I am unrecognizable from before.  But my mind perception has changed 180 degrees.  What I am wearing or doing or how I am looking has nearly become irrelevant to that mind perception.

Will I still feel the same after three years if HRT doesn't keep pace?  I don't know but I hope so.


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Lemon's, this is a constant theme for you. I hope you understand that HRT will not change your bones and certainly your body will never be like it was before puberty. It just isn't biologically possible. HRT only ever gets you a fraction of the way in transition, the rest of it is up to social presentation and self-acceptance. At a guess you have not just dysphoria about your body but may have dysmorphia as well. Like the fixated body builder who is "never" buff enough or the anorexic who is "always too fat", there is a disjoint between reality and how the mind processes that information. You should talk to someone who can help you sort that out otherwise you could go on for years feeling miserable and unsatisfied with your body when you could have been living your life to the fullest instead.

I know HRT only does so much, that's why it's depressing.  I started out with a very masculine body and I feel so alone in that, most people I know even after puberty have a more "neutral" body or have one or two distinctly male cues like wider shoulders or bigger hands but it's not everything.  For me it feels inescapable, I feel like most people present femme alone even before hormones and can look ok most of the time, but I know this isn't true for everyone who goes through male puberty...there are just some AMAB people who would look horrible in women's clothes...how can it be so many people transition successfully then if I don't know any who did this before puberty or during? (all after)

Yes, that is all true. That is why you need to deal directly with your feelings about it, change the way you look at yourself - it is possible and you can do it. Would you rather let it depress you for the rest of your life or do you want to enjoy your life? Like I said you should see someone who can help you with your body perception issues.

Sorry, but this is something you have to learn to accept about yourself; people need to be realistic  with what they will be able to achieve when they transition.  It's awesome  to have trans role models, but you have to consider your starting point, and everyone has a unique physiology, so some trans people will have dramatic changes from HRT alone, and others will not; HRT is somewhat of a gamble, whereas you have no idea how your body will react to it unless you get treatment, and If your body doesn't feminize as much as you hoped it would after a few years, then unfortunately the only thing you can do is learn to accept yourself as you are and/or have surgery, but you have to be realistic about that also.

Just ask any woman if they like their body and see what answer you get.   For lots of women, hating some part of their body is just a fact of life.   Sounds to be like you are just another one of us bitches who just aren't satisfied.   Sometimes life is just how you look at it.   Women come in millions of shapes, just look around you.   You are just one woman in  billions and a good number of them can't go anywhere without worrying about how they look.   Worrying about how you look, it could be the hormones talking.

Me I have size 15 women's shoe size.   I constantly worry about my feet giving me away just because people must think that no woman has that sized feet.    Nothing can change my shoe size.   Long skirts make my feet less noticeable.  Not much else I can do.

your dealing with nature, everyone on the planet deals with nature . I don't need to tell you how many people have very unfortunate body issues. You need to accept yourself and move on. I'm sorry for your pain , but tell your problem to someone born to grow only 4 ft tall . at some point you need to face it. I doubt you rank any where below the 50 % mark of people who feel they have problems with their body. I bet a great number of people on this planet would trade their physical condition for yours in a second. I'm sorry , but your the only one the can help yourself by accepting your nature. I want to be a cis female , that's not going to happen no matter how much I dwell on it I am what I am.

Yeah i totally get wanting against odds to be more feminine. My facial structure is great, my athletic maleish shoulders not so much. My legs are nice but i'd like to have thinner thighs etc. The list goes on. I never thought i was bad looking as a guy, actually to the contrary and i looked in the mirror and thought " hey im pretty handsome". Still, i did not recognize myself until i began to feminize. It was like i was a 3rd person looking at the guy in the mirror.

One way i have dealt with my changes is just as others have said here, focus on what i like about myself and be as happy as i can be. There are times i sort of like my athletic look, although i know it flies in the face of what many people consider feminine. But hey.... i have boobs, i have feminine skin and a decent face, i like my hair and it is getting long enough that i actually have to cut it to get it where i want it to be. What i am saying is i actively program myself to look at the positive.

I haven't been on hormones yet a year i know, but my best advice is to get therapy to help you look at yourself in the best light. I am a huge therapy fan.

Hi Lemons
Every person that I know that has transitioned M to F has some kind of issue that they are worried about. But I think a lot of it is state of mind. If you feel like a women and you put your mind to that and gain some confidence you will find it a lot easier to be out in public. I don't even think about it anymore. I just feel and not think i just am being that women that I always have been. I use to look in the mirror and see a man now when I look in the mirror I only see a women.

Hugs
Lyndsey

I don't like how a very large part of the trans community sugarcoats things.  I'm hearing so much of the same: "Women of all shapes and sizes, I don't like this one or two things about my body and that's common for all women.."  Here's the skinny.  I don't like a good 80% of my body.  That's pretty much some aspect of every feature.  It isn't just my shoulders, it's how square they are, it isn't just my ankles it's how big they are, it isn't just....etc.  Almost everything looks off and male to me in the mirror.  There are also no women my size.  My height?  Sure, plenty.  And taller.  But not my size.  I'm thick boned....thick, very thick with not much leeway and I have never seen a woman with my sized build.  I just haven't.  So it makes sense a lot of women's clothes are going to look absurd on my build.  It's just a bad masculine skeletal structure, period.  And it isn't like hormones didn't work for me either.  They did about as much as they could.

But somehow almost everyone (or at least the loudest voices) in the trans community seems to think almost anyone can succeed at transition and pass.  That's just not true.  Testosterone is ruthless.  Some get by and are lucky.  I see so many successful transitioners going full time even before hormones.  I could have never done that.  I was just too masculine.  Am I missing something?  I talked to therapists at the hospital I get my hormones at and they said it just isn't true...the trans community loves to see things in a vaccum and not face the truth so only those that are successful are the most vocal...everyone else just hides in the shadows or never speaks up....except for me apprently, who seems to be the only one who has the guts to.

Success in transition isnt measured in passing...

Quote from: Lagertha on December 21, 2015, 07:01:12 PM
Success in transition isnt measured in passing...

I guess blending or at least being ok enough in your body.  Most are able to achieve that much.

So to be honest you can either detransition  or accept the limitations placed on the human being and move on doing the best you can to achieve your goal of looking how you need to look. I'm really sorry I have no answers for you . I try to look the best I can considering I spent 63 years of my life soaking up testosterone. I wish for myself I could reverse the 60 years of damage , but I can't . All I can do is try my best and move on. I feel good just being on estrogen and anything else that happens is a plus for me. I truly hope you can somehow find peace. The only thing I can think of that can help is therapy because really that's the only reason I'm still alive.

Quote from: stephaniec on December 21, 2015, 07:10:55 PM
So to be honest you can either detransition  or accept the limitations placed on the human being and move on doing the best you can to achieve your goal of looking how you need to look. I'm really sorry I have no answers for you . I try to look the best I can considering I spent 63 years of my life soaking up testosterone. I wish for myself I could reverse the 60 years of damage , but I can't . All I can do is try my best and move on. I feel good just being on estrogen and anything else that happens is a plus for me. I truly hope you can somehow find peace. The only thing I can think of that can help is therapy because really that's the only reason I'm still alive.

I only spent about 10-11 years with T in my body (age 13-24) and I still look worse.

I transitioned for myself and not anybody else. I changed the things I could and accepted the things I couldn't. Most of the time I can pass but if I don't, I don't worry about it. The whole point of the transition was to find a place where I could be comfortable with my life and my body. If you are having difficulty reaching this point in your transition, you need to work this out in therapy because unless you resolve this you will never be at peace with yourself.

 
Due to a TOS 9 and 10 violation in the thread and the fact it will almost certainly reoccur. Thread Locked.

Lemons, I'm sorry but I have to do this. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find peace with whatever option you choose. I know my first go around at transition I was over thinking things and focusing on things that only made it worse for me. End result was de-transition to start over again several years later. Hugs
Mariah