I never had a problem getting an erection but after four months of hrt on and off I can't get an erection.
I also have a very low libido at this stage.I am of hrt for about a week and a half and still nothing. It is sort of freaking me out because if I can rescue my screwed up marriage then I am afraid that I won't be able to function as a man anymore. I never really hated my body or hated my penis. I don't know if the testosterone returns if it will go back to normal but this may pose a serious problem. Can it be because I have almost no libido?

I know hormones is not something you play with I am so indecisive of what I want to do split between my putting my family first or doing me. At this stage I hope that I can safe my marriage. That is why I want to hold of hrt until I signed a divorce paper.

Still this little hurdle is just freaking me out

Is there anyone that had the same experience and recovered from it managed to get things down there back to normal?

Yes. It will come back.  Just give it some time.  Stress may also be a problem for you right now.


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Sorry for my earlier abbreviated response.  I was in a hurry getting ready for work.  My direct experience is this.  I had previously been on DIY HRT for longer than you and then stopped.  I don't remember exactly how long it took for full functionality but I think it was about a month or so.  Additionally, T levels returned to normal.  I have no idea how long that took because I didn't have them tested for several years.  I also don't know what my original T levels were.  However, last Jan at my first endo appointment they were tested at 826 which an outstanding level for someone my age and a very good level for a male of any age.

I only mentioned stress because that is a well known cause of ED and I realize how much stress you have been feeling lately.

So, stop freaking out.  All will be well.  Just be patient for a little longer :-).


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Hi Amoré,

Before you destroy your health from "on again, off again" HT, I think the important issue at hand is; What are you going to do about yourself if you are able to save you're "screwed up marriage."

Saving your marriage is one thing, saving yourself is something totally different. Sadly, you can't have both. It's either one or the other, or a compromise neither of you are satisfied with. Which ever way it goes, your feeling on gender aren't going to go away. Ignored, they will just ascend to unsustainable levels which may result in events you didn't want.

I know you've spoken in the past about your wife holding out on you by way of divorce, and I think you've also mentioned your therapist not helping you much in this situation. That being the case, it appears the choice is up to you.

Sorry I couldn't be more uplifting, but it's getting to a point you may not be able to make responsible decisions.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're coping

Huggs
Catherine

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on December 22, 2015, 08:56:40 AM
Hi Amoré,

Before you destroy your health from "on again, off again" HT, I think the important issue at hand is; What are you going to do about yourself if you are able to save you're "screwed up marriage."

Saving your marriage is one thing, saving yourself is something totally different. Sadly, you can't have both. It's either one or the other, or a compromise neither of you are satisfied with. Which ever way it goes, your feeling on gender aren't going to go away. Ignored, they will just ascend to unsustainable levels which may result in events you didn't want.

I know you've spoken in the past about your wife holding out on you by way of divorce, and I think you've also mentioned your therapist not helping you much in this situation. That being the case, it appears the choice is up to you.

Sorry I couldn't be more uplifting, but it's getting to a point you may not be able to make responsible decisions.

Keep in touch and let us know how you're coping

Huggs
Catherine

Hi Catherine

What am I going to do about myself if I can safe my marriage is a very good question. I really don't know is the answer I am trying not to ignore my gender issues but I am afraid you are right about saving myself. I can't have both and I fear my wife are scared that I will only flip out in the future again. I feel as if I can cope at this stage but I don't know if testosterone levels return to normal.

Hey Amoré

I'm only writing this so you don't get too down on yourself if it happens.  When I was doing DIY the dysphoria was reduced to a very manageable level.  I stopped due to being scared for my health since I wasn't being monitored but also because I thought at the time I had it all under control.  As my body normalized back to its original levels over a period of a few months it all came crashing back as bad or worse than before.  To me, the worseness was magnified because I then knew from experience that there was a solution to it all.  So I am here now doing it again except this time under a psychologist and Dr.

As for making your marriage work I really hope you are successful.  Here are some pitfalls I went through that you may need to look out for.

If the dysphoria comes crashing back you may unconsciously feel resentful to your wife.  That happened to me and the result was that I was getting really sarcastic and mean over silly things.  I was never physically abusive but verbally I was lashing out every day.  Of course none of it was her fault but while my marriage was visually intact it was emotionally a nightmare for both of us.  For me the only way out of that deepening pit was going back to HRT.

So just be aware of what might be coming.  I do think though that you probably need to do what you are doing now so that you don't live with a giant "WHAT IF" hanging over your head for the rest of your life.  And there is also the chance that it might all work out as you both want.

You might also want to stay in touch here to help with any hard times as long as being here isn't too triggering.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts here and wishing you the best!


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Hi Amoré

Quote from: Amoré on December 22, 2015, 09:36:38 AM
....... What am I going to do about myself if I can safe my marriage is a very good question. I really don't know is the answer I am trying not to ignore my gender issues but I am afraid you are right about saving myself. I can't have both and I fear my wife are scared that I will only flip out in the future again. I feel as if I can cope at this stage but I don't know if testosterone levels return to normal.

You indeed are quite a remarkable woman. From what you have said in the above, I feel, proves the fact you have the answers to your dilemma. You simply need to analyse what you've said, put it into your context and work out the appropriate solution.

This is not an uncommon situation for most people. Everyone knows their situation far better than anyone else. We also know ourselves far better than anyone else, even if we don't admit it. The reason we ask questions and put hypotheticals out into our circle of influence is to simply test our already conceived solutions. Questions we ask are simply a litmus test to our own understanding.

Have a think about everything you know about your situation, including the advice you've received, then dig down deep within any you'll find your solution. Nobody else can. This is your life. Not your wife's, not your children's. it's your life.

As they say on every flight you take, make sure your oxygen mask is attached and working before you attempt to help anyone else.  We all need to transfer that attitude to our own lives before we attempt to help any one else.

Huggs
Catherine

That is the thing that "what if" moment that I am going to lie in my bed one night and have that what if I staid a man. Would it have worked out and those type of thoughts. I already have a lot of those moments. I think I want to give it that last push and see what I can handle. I don't really want to transition if I can have my family with me. A lot of me is starting to think that it would be better to turn around and walk away from my marriage. Not that I put transition over my family but I am starting to think it would be maybe better for my wife and me to go our separate ways.

She told me yesterday she had to walk away so I can be free and she can be happy

Hi Amoré,

Again, you have the solution. Irrespective of what "What If" scenario we come up with, the one constant that we all know is; these feelings of gender identity will not go away. Regardless of how well we try to hide them, they WILL continue to return UNTIL we deal with them.

Your wife too, is exercising her ability to find her solutions. She is prepared to offer you your freedom, for her happiness. From her perspective, that sounds like quite a win - win solution.

Huggs
Catherine

The problem is the solution hurts me and causes me a lot of pain I love them so much and would not in my life choose transition over them. It does not really matter to me what pain I have to live with. I know the pain of dysphoria and that it does not go away ever. I could manage it fairly well with being metrosexual and used it as an excuse to be feminine but everyone knows I am transgender now.

She is making it obvious to the whole family also that we are through with the way she treats me and is acting around me and is making the distance obvious to them and to me. We went to her parents house and I had to sleep in a different room still like at home she does not sit next to me there is no more kisses not even hugs. But still she did not file for divorce yet.

She is pushing me to accept that we are getting divorced and that I must move on and forget about her and do what I want to. She said she moved on but I can still see her hurting. I don't know what to do letting go of them is the hardest thing I ever had to do. It feels like I am betraying them.

Amoray,
She IS hurting. So are you. That is ok to accept it and embrace it as a step.


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It sounds like you're both in the midst of a lot of confusion right now. Maybe she is trying to protect herself by some of the things she is saying. She could also not believe that you'll be able to repress these feelings and not leave her in the future, so she is trying to convince you and herself that she is over it and has moved on already.. but maybe she hasn't. She probably also doesn't want to hold you back and might feel that you'll resent her eventually or she might feel guilty about holding you back from this. I think she cares, and you care... I hope somehow you can both reach some kind of compromise. 


With regards to the ED. There are some studies using pycynogenol and L arginine (see pubmed link below). But your brain from the hormones and anti androgens would likely have changed how you respond to simuli and there could also be a psychological components from increased anxiety of the situation... I think you'll return to normal soon assuming you don't go on hormones and blockers again, so don't worry over it.

Treatment of erectile dysfunction with pycnogenol and L-arginine.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12851125 

After 1 month of treatment with L-arginine, a statistically nonsignificant number of 2 patients (5%) experienced a normal erection. Treatment with a combination of L-arginine and Pycnogenol for the following month increased the number of men with restored sexual ability to 80%. Finally, after the third month of treatment, 92.5% of the men experienced a normal erection. We conclude that oral administration of L-arginine in combination with Pycnogenol causes a significant improvement in sexual function in men with ED without any side effects.

Hi Amoré. Saving your marriage can only happen if you can live with yourself  and your wife can back away from controlling you with such things as divorce threats. Please keep this in mind as you go through these struggles to determine your path forward. All of us will do whatever we can to help you find the right path.

Love,
Denali

Well you are right we both are confused My therapist asked me the question if I was not married would I transition my answer was I would go all the way! But having someone you love is different it makes you love sick and make you sacrifice things for that person it changes you life. I think I will be able to live with myself I know dysphoria now better than ever and how it works with me. I basically identify as a woman I just happen to own a male body. It sucks in a way because I really don't want to be this way I actually want to be female and always wanted to be. I always wanted an female body and genitals. But this is the state that I have to be in to be with my family. That I made piece with. If I sign the papers then I would not think twice about transitioning. But that what if is really hanging over my head. No matter what body I posses I know I am a woman inside!

at this point, by the sounds of it, your wife has already checked out. She is probably hurting too, but now that the trans cat is out of the bag, I don't think she can ever trust completely that feelings wont return or that you won't go through this all again in the future. you can't go back to pretending everything is as it was or could ever be how it once was.  You will eventually resent her, whether you realize it or not, and she wouldn't trust that you could keep your gender identity suppressed long term. 

Quote from: DuckyAlexis on December 23, 2015, 04:13:15 AM
at this point, by the sounds of it, your wife has already checked out. She is probably hurting too, but now that the trans cat is out of the bag, I don't think she can ever trust completely that feelings wont return or that you won't go through this all again in the future. you can't go back to pretending everything is as it was or could ever be how it once was.  You will eventually resent her, whether you realize it or not, and she wouldn't trust that you could keep your gender identity suppressed long term. 

I can see the signs of the checkout. I hope things don't go back to the way they was but rather evolve into something more true. I don't expect her to trust me fully as when she divorces me I plan on transitioning fully. I also don't suppress the feelings really I just try to understand them and cope with them. I know that they are part of my life. They will always be but if I try to burry them they will hit harder. I don't know yet how I am going to cope with them if they get really strong.

I really really would be female if I could but to leave them to do it just does not feel right I fear I will regret my decision then for the rest of my life. If she don't want me anymore then it is another case I guess.

Quote from: Amoré on December 23, 2015, 06:23:42 AM
I really really would be female if I could but to leave them to do it just does not feel right I fear I will regret my decision then for the rest of my life.

I understand that completely.  One time my wife told me to just leave and do it.  But in my head if I had been the one to walk that would have been killing myself every bit as bad as continuing to suppress it all.  It becomes an impossible choice.  Fortunately, in my case it got better but it took a long long time.


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Well I hope I did the right thing. She wants to divorce and is dragging it for 5 months now that she is telling me she want to divorce me. I told her now there is nothing more that I can do because the more I ask to get together and work things out the more I get emotionally abused and told she is going to divorce me she already made her choice. She is telling me I can't respect her choice and that is one of the reasons she is divoring me.

Well what can I do but agree to get divorced then and give her what she wants. I offered her that we go to a lawyer in the new year and I will pay the divorce fees. I don't know what else to do anymore then than set her free. If she wants to come back she will come back.

Quote from: Amoré on December 22, 2015, 05:31:30 AM
I never had a problem getting an erection but after four months of hrt on and off I can't get an erection.
I also have a very low libido at this stage.I am of hrt for about a week and a half and still nothing. It is sort of freaking me out. Can it be because I have almost no libido?

I know hormones is not something you play.
Is there anyone that had the same experience and recovered from it managed to get things down there back to normal?

I don't know if this will help, but I was on low dose HRT a few years ago for a few months and then had to stop due to housing/work circumstances. AA and E. But being unable to get an erection was part of it and when I stopped that lasted for a while. I don't remember how long it lasted, but the thought did come into my mind that maybe it was permanent. But eventually, my hormone levels went back and I was able to get erections again. Now, as far as getting erections while on sustained HRT, I don't know.

My sex drive also took a dive at first. A whole lot. I did find that it came back a little bit, but, comparing my sex drive on estrogen (again I was on a low dose for a short time frame, i don't know how a full dose and a longer time frame) vs T, it's no contest. I felt like on E, sex drive was more oriented towards moods, feelings and mental stimulation, where as on T its more about physical and visual. That could have been in my head, but it could be related to maybe part of your low sex drive are some of the issues with your wife in relation to moods, feelings, etc. I don't know. But good luck.

I know your dilemma well. I've been on/off low dose HRT over the decades. Usually on for a month or so until.... until things started taking a hit below the belt. Definitely in direct conflict to the "Prime Directive" of being a 'Normal'(ish) guy. So I stopped. On the plus side the HRT always gave the much needed brain reset, lessening the intensity of the GD

Now, the real underlying issue... the wife. As far as I can tell for 5 months now she has been saying and doing everything imaginable in order to get YOU to initiate a divorce. But why you if she is dead set on it? Tactical advantage maybe? Legal or other. Seems odd to me in this day and age. Manipulating you to 'Normalcy'?  Well that ship sailed with dropping the T-Bomb. No Do-Overs there. Or, begging for forgiveness? Admitting you were an idiot?

A funny thing about my wife, and even me to some extent. She grew up in a dysfunctional home. As in flying turkeys on Thanksgiving Day followed up by knife or broken bottle fights. Me, well there was also some 'friction' in my very young days because of my dad's drinking. One trait we share is never wanting to see that happen with us. Followed by never wanting to stand between the others happiness.