I was inspired, better known as dumb luck. Go and read the following thread.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,200759.0.html

Quote from: Dena on December 22, 2015, 10:28:54 PM
I was inspired, better known as dumb luck. Go and read the following thread.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,200759.0.html

What an interesting coincidence. This post was started just 3 days after I joined Susan's. Not only that but I am also from the Boston area. I found the radiolab interview that they posted quite interesting. I felt able to relate to it, but at the same time it also made me feel like bigender or multigender might be a better way to describe what I'm going through rather than fluid.

Though I do sometimes feel different in certain moments I also don't see it being so abrupt of a Change with me, and could potentially almost be more of a conscious or subconscious "choice" about how I feel or want to express myself or present at any given time. Perhaps gender fluid fits for me as well because over time my feelings on how feminine I want to present and how I feel about hormones may change or fluctuate over time. It's tough to decipher because there is so much variation amongst trans people but I feel as though I'm at least narrowing it down some.

I also think after doing some more research about T blockers I'm not sure that is a step I would like to take right now either. I understand the effects are less permanent but terms like impotence etc makes me think it wouldn't be right for me at this time. I also kind of feel on a personal level that if it were to "level me off" into either feeling more masculine or feminine depending on the effects it has on me, that it would almost be like avoidance for me. I feel like I owe it to myself to figure out what's already there, and give myself an opportunity to sort it out in my own head some more before I start messing with chemically/ hormonally altering.

I think this feeling would be part of my potential gender fluidity as well, because I could see myself someday later in life wanting to give hormones or blockers a try. This could come someday once I've had the opportunity to start a family and have taken some more time to discover myself more. I think I can start to combat the feelings of dysphoria by being less afraid to express my feminine side, and to learn how to be less afraid of doing so in public, and worry less about what other people think. I've spent far too much of my life trying to make others happy and comfortable, and haven't given myself enough of this same compassion. I think I can start to find my true self through exploring a more feminine, but androgyny based lifestyle.

Thank you again Dena. You are truly assisting in helping me find more clarity on my situation.


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I understand your desire to have a family but there is one other thing to consider. The TG feeling does't get any better with time and tends to get worst. The blockers are given to young teens to stop puberty because the results reversible. If the child wishes to remain in their birth gender, they only need to stop the blockers and normal development will return. If you are going to have children, that is a long term commitment and your partner should be aware of what the future might hold. If being on the blockers causes you to settle into a feminine state, you should inform you future partner of this as you might wish to transition to escape the confusion of your current life. You would only need the blockers long enough to see the effect they have on you and then you could discontinue them and attempt to resolve your issues by other methods.

I suspect after this little session you are going to have plenty to talk about at your next therapy session. Good luck with it.

Quote from: Rp1713 on December 21, 2015, 07:37:15 PM
Every time I think things are starting to become more clear for me as to who I am or what I want, it's followed by confusion and self doubt hours and sometimes moments later.

I feel trapped in my own head. My mind is consumed with thoughts of dressing and feeling like a woman, but at the same time opposing thoughts of doubting that this is what I really want at all. Im searching for a connection in every little thing. Some connection that will reassure me that deep down this is what I've always wanted.

But why would these strong feelings not come out until I'm 25? Why weren't there signs to myself early on? This is what makes me feel like this is all just something I've built up in my head. Then I think of how sensitive and caring of a person I've always been, and how that has made me feel almost weak in comparison to the other boys and men around me. Feeling like I couldn't live up and was just some little pussy (sorry this is just what comes to mind as to how I truly felt about myself), like I couldn't live up to what I was supposed to be.

Then I think even harder. To when I was no older than 9 and I would sneak into my moms underwear drawer constantly when I was the only one upstairs... Wear them under my clothes, put plastic cups inside a sports bra just to see what I would look like with something underneath there.

Then at the same time I think, "but I never hated my penis, and I don't now", "I never hated my body, but I'm starting to the more my mind runs with this idea... But maybe it's just because I let myself go, forced myself to stop caring about weight gain or body hair or even to an extent what clothes or shoes I wear" could I have done all this just because there was someone else inside of me that was too scared to come out?

As I wrote this I had a flashback to how when I was 5 I had an imaginary friend named Lucy. At this age, right around when I started going to school and meeting all the "bad kids" that taught me how to swear and talk about girls, women... More or less sex.... I told my mother that Lucy died. That she got struck by lighting. Completely out of nowhere! Is this the moment where my repression truly began? Had I figured out that the boys at school wouldn't accept me, and the girls would never like me if I stayed this sensitive little boy that hung out with Lucy and played with my dolly Phillip?

Was I Lucy? Was this my attempt at such a young age of killing off this other side of my personality, or perhaps the real me altogether? I have no recollection of ever truly feeling like I wanted to be a girl or a woman, but could it be that I started repressing at such a young age that these memories couldn't even form?

I know it's impossible to "know that your transgender". But I continue to feel lost as I try to find my own personal answer to that question I'm sure many people here have asked themselves early on... "Could I REALLY be transgender? Me? But where were the signs? Who am i?!"

I'm sorry This is starting to feel like a rant. It's something that been building up in me in general, but particularly over the last few days. I want so bad to fee happy and normal, but I keep coming back to this confused state of depression as I wonder whether or not I'm heading down the right path. Thanks for taking the time to read.

Love you guys,

Ry


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You think your the most confused person on this forum, I am (and I don't say that proudly.)  My history is very complicated and I have so many complicating factors that I have been in a sort of whirlwind for the past 8 years, including many vicious cycles.  I have been torn with a similar doubt to you.

A trans person told me this recently and I believe it.  See whatever you can do to get a therapist that is specialized in transgender issues.  And I say this as someone who has tried to figure it out for 8 years to no avail.  It is likely too complicated for you to deal with yourself.  I have at least 30 or more separate factors I have to deal with.

Also, I feel especially pissed off now that I've let my mind repress my female self to the point that I can't access my female feelings easily anymore, and I at times so badly want to feel as feminine as I used to.  I don't think its worth it for any transgender person to repress their inner gender or inner feelings, because repression IMO only harms your mental health and emotional wellbeing and is not worth the cis-privilege.  It's better to figure out how to get the inner strength to be yourself in this world. 

Katelyn, the best thing to do is imurse yourself in it and and just things flow and come naturally and in time those feelings will come back. It takes time and we spend tons of time repressing things so we don't feel them. Also therapy can help bringing them out again. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Katelyn on December 24, 2015, 04:27:46 AM
You think your the most confused person on this forum, I am (and I don't say that proudly.)  My history is very complicated and I have so many complicating factors that I have been in a sort of whirlwind for the past 8 years, including many vicious cycles.  I have been torn with a similar doubt to you.

A trans person told me this recently and I believe it.  See whatever you can do to get a therapist that is specialized in transgender issues.  And I say this as someone who has tried to figure it out for 8 years to no avail.  It is likely too complicated for you to deal with yourself.  I have at least 30 or more separate factors I have to deal with.

Also, I feel especially pissed off now that I've let my mind repress my female self to the point that I can't access my female feelings easily anymore, and I at times so badly want to feel as feminine as I used to.  I don't think its worth it for any transgender person to repress their inner gender or inner feelings, because repression IMO only harms your mental health and emotional wellbeing and is not worth the cis-privilege.  It's better to figure out how to get the inner strength to be yourself in this world.

I don't necessarily think I'm anymore confused or have any more of a complicated situation than anyone else. I was just having an especially bad night as far as pain and self-doubt. Just from reading and talking through some stuff on this thread over the past couple days I've started to become more comfortable with my situation... Granted not actually comfortable by any means. But I'm ready to just try and become more myself. At the end of the day I'm really the only one that knows who that is. I've always been a loving and compassionate person, but I subconsciously started to resent people and become filled with more anger and contempt towards everyone because I now feel like I was never allowed the room to grow into the person I could be at a young age. Exterior factors caused a shift in my brain to push towards being the "man" I'm supposed to be. I see now that all this maleness is just an illusion created by society. No one has to live up to these societal standards if they don't want to. Someday I may want to go full female, who knows. But right now I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that I sometimes feel more feminine than others, but that that's okay. That I've always been very sensitive, and that's okay. That I enjoy the way that some women's clothes the scent of women's deodorant, lotion etc makes me feel. That I like looking in the mirror when I have make up done and smiling because I feel pretty, or even just more like me. I always saw guys like billy joe of green day with eyeliner and painted finger nails and thinking it was cool, but I was too afraid to be pegged as "Gay" some freak. Now that I've had the courage to try makeup in my own time I realize I just like the way I look beyond a little black eyeliner. And that I love looking at my hands and seeing any sort of color or sheen.

I still feel like I have to in public, but I'm tired of pretending I'm this tough guy like all these other men I see day in and day out. Some day I'll get the courage to express more of my true self in the world. For now I'm just working on being a nice happy person out there, by admitting to myself who I am mostly just at home for the time being.

I had a friend that once described themselves at gender fluid tell me they don't identify that way anymore. That labels and pronouns just mess with your head and that its okay to just be you. For me, I don't know what that label is right yet, but I'd like to find something that suits me because on a personal level I think it will bring greater understanding. At times I think I have focused on that aspect way too much and it was driving me crazy. While its still on my mind quite often and I don't plan to just let it go, I'm trying to let myself go a little, and give myself a break from the hysteria. The dysphoria, anxiety and depression are enough to drive you crazy, there's no point in driving yourself crazy too. I know how hard it is when you've repressed quite a bit, but perhaps try spending some of the time you do worrying about where you stand, what labels suit you, and all the different factors you're dealing with, you should just give yourself some room to breath. Seek out those things that you've stopped yourself from liking and partaking in just because you felt like it wasn't okay. Just let the real you shine through. I'm sure beneath all your confusion and anger there is a sweet happy person just like I know there is within me.

Lots of love your way. We will get through this.

Love,

Ry


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