Hello from Europe.

I've been lurking the ftm part and thus decided I should join the party aka forum for some more interaction with people.

The trans topic was around me for the last 20 years (so from teens) but well, due to some reasons it's now the time when I'm trying to identify myself. No childhood stories, as I mostly don't remember that time (luckily!).

I know I'm somewhere on the spectrum, just don't know where exactly. I have doubts and can't believe my own judgement for now (this doesn't mean I ask you to label me). I was using the label transgender, lately even "not-woman". I didn't identify as a woman until I decided to be the woman (complying to the wishes of my then-bf and family) started speaking like one and threw away all my male clothes. I tried for better or worse to live as a woman for 8 years, hearing how I "don't behave like a woman should" on one hand (family) or getting "wow, what a surprise" when I did something womanly (from some of my friends). This life lead me into the feminism and I started speaking about myself as a woman (since the body is...) Only to continue writing about, roleplaying tg or male characters (and be furious when I couldn't).

A month ago by chance I came out first as tg biased towards male. I came out as a male to some of my friends and I feel happier now. I'm planning to go towards more unisex look for now (damn G-cup) and loose some fat. And get new clothes.

And here doubts kick in. What if it's the same fake as when I tried to be a woman? I know that when I'll come out to my toxical hypocritical fakely pious family, they will try hard to prove me that I'm being brainwashed (it's RPG/fantasy fault) etc. and I don't really think that. My doubts will just make the situation worse. I know I'm lucky to have friends who will support me.

I do plan to seek proffessional help, but I'm thinking maybe it's too fast for now. Ill just try to lurk at the forum and chat.

Anyway, nice to meet you all. Happy holiday.

Those doubts were with me a long long time too although oppositely, MtF.  Talking to a professional does help a lot to alleviate those doubts and what ifs as long as you can find one that knows what they're talking about.  Hanging around these forums helps a lot too as you will invariably run across many with those same doubts and fears, some having overcome and others still in the process.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and welcome to the forum.  :-)


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Thanks. Good to know.

Hi Belial 

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Welcome, Belial. I totally understand what you mean by doubts. I'm still trying to figure out if I feel totally FTM or somewhat non-binary. Whatever word you use to describe yourself, just remember that despite the doubt, you know your own identity best.

That being said, I think talking to a professional is a great first step to help you talk through how you're feeling and explore the options of what that might mean for your life. I've just recently started seeing a therapist to talk about gender and general life issues, and it's definitely been helpful already.

Happy holidays!

Quote from: vanderpn on December 23, 2015, 02:14:53 PM
Welcome, Belial. I totally understand what you mean by doubts. I'm still trying to figure out if I feel totally FTM or somewhat non-binary. Whatever word you use to describe yourself, just remember that despite the doubt, you know your own identity best.

That being said, I think talking to a professional is a great first step to help you talk through how you're feeling and explore the options of what that might mean for your life. I've just recently started seeing a therapist to talk about gender and general life issues, and it's definitely been helpful already.

Happy holidays!

FTM, non-binary, or non-binary ftm etc. It's just too much in my opinion.

What kind of specialist did you go to?  How long are you going there?

I'm now waiting for a psychological consultation to be scheduled after the new year. Can't imagine that yet. I can't see the end of the road.

I've been at this for over a year and I can't see the end of the road either.  But that doesn't matter at all.  Today is better than yesterday and what little road I can see continues upwards.  That's what matters.  One step and one day at a time.


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Quote from: Deborah on December 23, 2015, 03:43:35 PM
I've been at this for over a year and I can't see the end of the road either.  But that doesn't matter at all.  Today is better than yesterday and what little road I can see continues upwards.  That's what matters.  One step and one day at a time.


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Sounds promising and giving hope. Thanks.

Quote from: Belial on December 23, 2015, 03:38:36 PM
FTM, non-binary, or non-binary ftm etc. It's just too much in my opinion.

What kind of specialist did you go to?  How long are you going there?

I'm now waiting for a psychological consultation to be scheduled after the new year. Can't imagine that yet. I can't see the end of the road.

I just started seeing my therapist a couple weeks ago. He isn't a gender specialist, but he's trans-friendly and does referral letters for HRT. Officially, his title is "Psychologist, PhD HSPP," which means he's licensed in my state for the diagnosis and treatment of mental and behavioral disorders. There are probably other terms depending on where you're from.

I found him searching Psychology Today Therapists. You can enter your location and then refine your search based on a variety of criteria. Obviously, this will only work if you're from the US or Canada, but there may be similar resources out there.