TRIGGER WARNING - maybe? Idk, there's some sex stuff, but it's not explicit. This might not be the right spot for this post.



So after months of wondering if I was transgender, and a life-time of wondering what I was at all, I finally just realized that I am in fact a woman!

The biggest doubt I had about all of this has been the sexual component. Namely, my interest in "sissy" culture. I figured if I was into that, then surely I must just be a sissy, and all of this other trans stuff was a farce. But I wasn't sure.

So, after my family left me all alone, with the house to myself this Christmas Eve, (long story, but believe me, I was cool with it) I made an ad on Craigslist looking for a man to explore my sissy self with. We emailed for a while, I repeated all the stuff I saw on Tumblr. And then he called me so we could talk before he came over. And we started talking about all the sissy sexy stuff (I won't be explicit, but it was a lot of degradation/humiliation). And I realized just how much I wasn't actually into ANY of it. And most importantly, how much it offended me AS A WOMAN!

I know it seems weird to base a realization like this on a phone call, but I had SO much clarity about everything at that point. I hung up and just beamed with excitement!

Disclaimer: I wouldn't necessarily call myself a dead-set binary woman. I still identify as non-binary, with a definite leaning towards the female side. But to just know, now, finally, with certainty, and happiness that I am in fact transgender is so amazing. I would say the only thing I really ever liked about sissy culture was the fact that it was the only thing I ever saw that I felt represented me sexually. And if there was anything I liked at all about the emails/phone calls it was the fact that I was finally being acknowledged as a woman. All the degrading stuff? No thank you.

Well, I know that this happiness is short-lived since the road ahead will NOT be easy at all, but for me, it's a Christmas miracle!

Actually it makes a lot of sense.  There is a huge difference between living inside your own head, and actually interacting in your real gender.  This is why when we get new folks here who are wondering if they are transgender, or vacillating, I try to advise them to try to put aside all the internal conflicts and try dressing and interacting, because this is the one test that will tell you who you really are.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on December 24, 2015, 11:30:40 PM
Actually it makes a lot of sense.  There is a huge difference between living inside your own head, and actually interacting in your real gender.  This is why when we get new folks here who are wondering if they are transgender, or vacillating, I try to advise them to try to put aside all the internal conflicts and try dressing and interacting, because this is the one test that will tell you who you really are.

Good advice. I've been feeling guilty about going to LGBT events as female and asking to be treated as such because I didn't deserve it or would be "wrong" to do so. But you're right; it would be good to try it in order to work out how I feel about being female. And I suspect any trans people there who I'd be afraid of offending probably experimented the same way at first.

Quote from: J-Sada on December 24, 2015, 11:12:38 PM
TRIGGER WARNING - maybe? Idk, there's some sex stuff, but it's not explicit. This might not be the right spot for this post.



So after months of wondering if I was transgender, and a life-time of wondering what I was at all, I finally just realized that I am in fact a woman!

The biggest doubt I had about all of this has been the sexual component. Namely, my interest in "sissy" culture. I figured if I was into that, then surely I must just be a sissy, and all of this other trans stuff was a farce. But I wasn't sure.

So, after my family left me all alone, with the house to myself this Christmas Eve, (long story, but believe me, I was cool with it) I made an ad on Craigslist looking for a man to explore my sissy self with. We emailed for a while, I repeated all the stuff I saw on Tumblr. And then he called me so we could talk before he came over. And we started talking about all the sissy sexy stuff (I won't be explicit, but it was a lot of degradation/humiliation). And I realized just how much I wasn't actually into ANY of it. And most importantly, how much it offended me AS A WOMAN!

I know it seems weird to base a realization like this on a phone call, but I had SO much clarity about everything at that point. I hung up and just beamed with excitement!

Disclaimer: I wouldn't necessarily call myself a dead-set binary woman. I still identify as non-binary, with a definite leaning towards the female side. But to just know, now, finally, with certainty, and happiness that I am in fact transgender is so amazing. I would say the only thing I really ever liked about sissy culture was the fact that it was the only thing I ever saw that I felt represented me sexually. And if there was anything I liked at all about the emails/phone calls it was the fact that I was finally being acknowledged as a woman. All the degrading stuff? No thank you.

Well, I know that this happiness is short-lived since the road ahead will NOT be easy at all, but for me, it's a Christmas miracle!

That's so great to hear! I totally get what you mean, I also feel like feminine non-binary more than full blown female. I was also sort of into the sissy stuff but more in porn, and I also cruises Craigslist, but don't think I ever really wanted to follow through on it. It was just more a way that I could release the feelings I had and didn't understand. I realized in that both with the Craigslist scenario and in porn I was trying to see myself as the trans person. I also realized this is why the first time I ever looked at porn it would only be lesbians or pictures of women, and even once it progressed beyond that I was always so focused on the woman. I've realized I actually have often times seen myself as a lesbian in one way or another.

The crazy part is, ever since I came out to my girlfriend and started having the room to discover myself more, I have hardly looked at porn at all, nor have I wanted to really (at least not nearly as much). And I have had 0 desire to do the craigslist thing. It's crazy to me because it was such a huge part of my life since I was a teenager (the porn that is), and I've sort of come to realize it was just another way I was coping with being trans all along.

It's wild the way these realizations come to manifest differently in all of us. So glad you had this moment! Merry Christmas indeed!

Much love,

Ry


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think that lots of us start out thinking that it's some fetish or another.  Lesson learned!

Quote from: Rp1713 on December 25, 2015, 02:02:31 AM
That's so great to hear! I totally get what you mean, I also feel like feminine non-binary more than full blown female. I was also sort of into the sissy stuff but more in porn, and I also cruises Craigslist, but don't think I ever really wanted to follow through on it. It was just more a way that I could release the feelings I had and didn't understand. I realized in that both with the Craigslist scenario and in porn I was trying to see myself as the trans person. I also realized this is why the first time I ever looked at porn it would only be lesbians or pictures of women, and even once it progressed beyond that I was always so focused on the woman. I've realized I actually have often times seen myself as a lesbian in one way or another.

The crazy part is, ever since I came out to my girlfriend and started having the room to discover myself more, I have hardly looked at porn at all, nor have I wanted to really (at least not nearly as much). And I have had 0 desire to do the craigslist thing. It's crazy to me because it was such a huge part of my life since I was a teenager (the porn that is), and I've sort of come to realize it was just another way I was coping with being trans all along.

It's wild the way these realizations come to manifest differently in all of us. So glad you had this moment! Merry Christmas indeed!

Much love,

Ry


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

That is crazy because that's exactly what happened to me in a way!
I've been out to my fiancé for about 2 years now and ever since I started hrt I have had zero interest in looking at porn. Her and I are closer I feel now than ever! Granite it isn't easy on her she is having a little difficult time with coming to terms with everything(she's afraid she won't be attracted to me anymore) but she is telling me to continue the hrt because she wants me to be happy.

A therapist that you relate to can be a great asset for you with where you are now.  You have questioned and found some answers.  You can get an objective point of view on your thoughts and feelings.

There is no "trans is 'this'" anymore.  There are various places different parts of YOU (emotion, eros, self ID, etc) will fit on the scales of Fem/Mas and some that will not fit at all.  Finding the place where you are comfy with you is the fun part!

The road is hard at time, sure.  It is also well worth the exploration once you have your heart headed down it.

Good for you!

Although I wouldn't completely say the sissy culture thing being wrong or not-trans either. Just because it isn't your thing, doesn't mean it doesn't work for someone else, shrug.

Since coming out, I've learned to keep a much more open mind....even with things I don't enjoy or understand personally.

Quote
Good for you!

Although I wouldn't completely say the sissy culture thing being wrong or not-trans either. Just because it isn't your thing, doesn't mean it doesn't work for someone else, shrug.

Since coming out, I've learned to keep a much more open mind....even with things I don't enjoy or understand personally

Yes. I should point out I don't mean to deride anybody in the sissy community. I really do want to accept everybody.

For me it was a source of relief due to the fact that personally I wasn't too thrilled at the idea of being a sissy, whereas the idea of being more "standard" trans made me quite happy.

Which in hindsight should've really told me all I needed to know. 

Funny how we arrive at our conclusions sometimes.

I was merely crossdressing and didn't think much of 'being a woman' at the time until someone in a trans circle / chat room joked about crossdressing being the gateway to it. It was a joke but after I looked inside myself deeper, I realized it was true....I couldn't just be a crossdresser.....I needed to be me.

I always wonder about the sissy fetish*.  It made me feel pretty uncomfortable even when I thought what I was doing was cross dressing.  Some people derive a huge amount of sexual gratification from shame.  While my "cross dressing" caused me to feel shame when I identified as male, that didn't do it for me.

One plausible explanation I've come up with is that some portion of sissies are transgender people who are male-identified, internally transphobic, and possibly in deep denial.  An aroused, male-identified, testosterone-soaked person will endure any amount of hardship on the promise of a single orgasm.  By leveraging shame to produce sexual gratification, such a person can derive large amounts of pleasure from staying in the closet.  For some, this is preferred over confronting one's gender.  For anybody who can make this work, it's a lot less effort and heartache than coming out as transgender.

* I try to avoid the word "fetish" to describe other people's sexual interests.  It's a judgmental term, and if this were anything else, I might call it 'sissy play.'  However, my understanding is that shame fetishes only work if the person perceives it as taboo.  Trying to normalize that description is actually counterproductive to their enjoyment.

Quote
I was merely crossdressing and didn't think much of 'being a woman' at the time until someone in a trans circle / chat room joked about crossdressing being the gateway to it. It was a joke but after I looked inside myself deeper, I realized it was true....I couldn't just be a crossdresser.....I needed to be me.

I had a very similar experience a while back. I was browsing sissy stuff on tumblr when I came across a caption that detailed the progression of male to sissy to transsexual. It was fairly eroticized and didn't really capture my experience at all, but it was the first time that I thought, "Huh, maybe I'm transgender." And that proved to be the so-called "aha" moment that really kicked all my questioning into gear.

QuoteI always wonder about the sissy fetish*.  It made me feel pretty uncomfortable even when I thought what I was doing was cross dressing.  Some people derive a huge amount of sexual gratification from shame.  While my "cross dressing" caused me to feel shame when I identified as male, that didn't do it for me.

One plausible explanation I've come up with is that some portion of sissies are transgender people who are male-identified, internally transphobic, and possibly in deep denial.  An aroused, male-identified, testosterone-soaked person will endure any amount of hardship on the promise of a single orgasm.  By leveraging shame to produce sexual gratification, such a person can derive large amounts of pleasure from staying in the closet.  For some, this is preferred over confronting one's gender.  For anybody who can make this work, it's a lot less effort and heartache than coming out as transgender.

* I try to avoid the word "fetish" to describe other people's sexual interests.  It's a judgmental term, and if this were anything else, I might call it 'sissy play.'  However, my understanding is that shame fetishes only work if the person perceives it as taboo.  Trying to normalize that description is actually counterproductive to their enjoyment.

I came across a ->-bleeped-<- post a while back (can't find it now) which basically posited the same thing. The user saying that in their research, they seemed to find that a lot of sissies were just closeted and self-hating transfolk. There were a LOT of sissies jumping up to assert that they were in fact sissies and for them the only thing that interested them in presenting as femme was the sexual component. But there were also quite a few transwomen who said that it was the case for them until they were able to accept themselves. So, as always, to each their own.

Quote from: J-Sada on December 26, 2015, 04:09:10 PM
There were a LOT of sissies jumping up to assert that they were in fact sissies and for them the only thing that interested them in presenting as femme was the sexual component. But there were also quite a few transwomen who said that it was the case for them until they were able to accept themselves. So, as always, to each their own.

Yeah, this is why I was careful to say "some portion."  I don't think that my characterization is true of every sissy.  I've read something that seemed to say that most male-assigned transgender people be happier if they were into CD play and left it at that... that our puritanical culture makes us deny the sexual motivation for our gender.

In summary:

"I'm right about my decisions and I assume that you're just like me, so you're doing it wrong!" -- The Internet