It's been an emotional night for me, especially with the holidays and this being the first year I'm alone for them. I've spent a lot of time reflecting about my life so far and the emotional pain I've dealt with all these years.
I started transitioning about six months ago. At the time, I truly believed it would magically solve all my problems. My body issues would be gone, I would be able to express myself, I'd have friends, and life would finally seem worth living to me. Well, here I am now and I still feeling depressed, I'm still lonely, and I still feel fearful of what others will think and say about me.
I'd spent the last week listening to all the old bands I use to listen to as a teen and crying my eyes out about all the missed opportunity. Wanting to express myself with colorful hair in rebellious styles, dressing how I want, going out and partying, having fun, and being social. Wishing I had thought about my major instead of choosing one just because my dad encouraged it. Exploring the interests and hobbies I dismissed because I wanted to fit in with other boys.
I kept contacting some of my internet friends, the ones who live more of the party lifestyle and I kept asking them whether I'll still fit in at 24 when I'm finally out there or is everyone going to be growing up and leaving me feeling out of place. There answer was always the same, "don't worry about what other people think, if you wanna dress a certain way and party, then do it." This just made me more mad. Nobody was giving me the answer I wanted. Nobody was reassuring me that I won't be alone and there is still time to be able to experience that phase of my life.
Then suddenly everything clicked into place. My entire life has been based around not wanting to disappoint those I care about and valuing my own self worth based on how others saw me. I've altered my personality, given up my sense of expression, convinced myself to like things I had no interest in, all for the sake of trying to gain acceptance. And despite doing that, I've learned the hard way that no matter how many people tell you that you are hot, how many people tell you that they wish they had your life, how much people tell you how proud they are of you, etc...it doesn't help. It just makes you feel more hollow and depressed because it still doesn't fill that void of self loathing that prevents you from being happy.
Transitioning was the first thing I did for myself knowing it was going to upset a lot of people and make things harder for me. But I did do it for me, and I know with all of my heart it was the right choice to make. However, I understand now that transitioning alone isn't going to make me happy. I need to learn to be able to express myself without worrying about how others will see me. I need to put myself out there and meet people and let people like me for who I am and not who I pretend to be. My goals should be things that make me happy, not ones which will make others envious or are based on expectations others have of my life.
Anyway, thanks for reading and maybe it will inspire someone else or something. >.>
I'm on the verge of passing out from my xanax, so ta-ta and have a wonderful night~
