Greetings Everyone,
I wanted to share a personal essay I wrote about my being transgender a few years ago. It was part of the materials I had sent to my family when I came out and I hoped they would be able to gleam a little bit of understanding of what I had been going through and dealing with all my life....
* * * My life is a lie * * *
My life is a lie. Not just a small lie, but a lie that lies at the very core of my being, a lie started so long ago it's impossible to distinguish between truth and the lie. A lie started at a time before I knew what a lie was or how to perpetrate one. A lie my very life has been built upon; a lie that threatens all I am.
At the same time the lie has been necessary to my very survival, to the protection of my very being. A lie needed to cover one of the greatest injustices of the universe, a lie to cover one of the greatest hoaxes to be played on a mere mortal; a lie that means living life or being cast aside by it. A lie that, if discovered, would shatter my whole world; a lie of duplicity; a lie of necessity. A lie I am not alone in committing, a lie that is not under my control.
What is my lie? What could I have done so heinous, so deplorable, so disreputable it could ruin my enter life?
My lie started at birth, well before I understood the concept of lying, of being deceitful or of protecting one's inner being. Actually, I believe my lie started before birth, most likely at the moment of conception, or perhaps before that by some all-powerful being that was having an off day. The lie started the moment I opened my eyes, took my first breath of life, and the doctor proclaimed to my parents they had a new baby boy.
Boy? Boy? What could the doctor have meant? A boy? No! No! That's not right! There must be some mistake! I am not a boy! I am a girl! This doctor has gone to years and years of college and he can't tell a boy from a girl...my parents should demand their money back! This doctor is a
quack!
At that moment my lie was born (funny, so was I). From that day forward my biological body was how people would see me, know me, and understand me. From the very moment of birth my life has been a life of duplicity, of two selves inside one body. The moment of my life's struggle, the moment things had to have gone terribly wrong, the moment my life was shattered for the foreseeable future; the moment I would give
anything to be able to go back in time to change.
So there you have it in a nutshell, my lie. While I may be biologically male, I am anything but male on the inside; but for some reason biology seems to win out in this particular area. From my birth forward any time I've filled out a form and listed my sex as male has been a lie; anytime I've presented myself as a male to the world has been a lie; anytime I have introduced myself by my male name has been a lie; my entire life has been based on this lie.
Unfortunately, it is a lie which must live with for a bit longer. I am taking steps in correcting this lie; the emergence of my true self is well underway...
Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre
