My wife and I had a conversation this morning that was one of the hardest since we have been together. I have been going to therapy about my desires to cross dress, and it has taken me these last 6 months to truly know that there is nothing wrong with me, but to my wife there is and with her beliefs I know that I can never change her mind otherwise. She is a good woman with good Christian values, and I hold no grudges about her feelings.

With that being said, I came out to her with my desire to continue to dress, as it is a part of me. I tried to explain it to her like it this... my cross dressing is like her smoking, we can quit, but eventually we come back to it. She understood the analogy, but still isn't going to accept that her husband likes to dress in women's clothes. She is also worried about the kids, as am I, and what they will think when this happens. I promised her that I would keep my dressing from them until they got much older, as I wouldn't tell anyone she doesn't want to know. I have already caused her enough pain, I don't want to embarrass her too. I also think that the lack of intimacy in our marriage is also to blame, as we haven't had sex in over 4 years.

During our discussion, we pretty much came to the conclusion that I would need to move out. We had just moved to the apartment we are in now, and I don't want to disrupt her and the kids again. Like I said, she is a good woman, and I have caused her enough pain and heartache. Now I just need to find a place to go by the end of the month, and as I plan on taking care of them the way a father and husband should (even a displaced one), I won't have a whole lot of money for an apartment. Other than Craigslist, does anyone know of a website that I could apartment hunt that would be able to handle my lifestyle choices and be cheap? Thank you for any and all your help.

Hugs to all,
Bobbi Anne

My kids were great.  I was destined to live my life.

Be careful wasting your life, whilst teaching your kids that it's expected that they pretend to be someone else to satisfy other people.

Eventually you will need to let go of your guilt. You can't blame a cat for being a cat or a dog for being a dog.

Just a thought.

You could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197754.msg1758880.html#msg1758880


*hugs*

Thanks Laura,

You are right, but it is just that I hurt right now. Time will heal all wounds I hope.

Hugs,
Bobbi Anne

Hi Bobbi,
I am from New Zealand so can't help with advice as to accommodation.

I am unaware of your children's ages but for me I would not hide it if possible. I think at an early age it is easier for them to accept. The only issue is if they pass on that information to the people you do not want to know.

I have one son (19) who is fully accepting of my needs and another (21) who has stated very strongly that if I was he would disown me. That said I think he would accept me for who I am in time.

I agree with the decision you two have made and it's the best thing for both of you to find true happiness.
My wife is still struggling to come to terms in accepting me and she does not find me sexually attractive when I am even partially dressed. We have not been intimate for 4 months now and I am hoping this will change in time. I am trying not to put any pressure on her and let her find her way through her grief of losing her husband. I love my wife but if she one day decides she can not accept me then we will part our ways but I know we will always be very good friends.

As you have said time does heal all wounds but there is always a scar of some sort. Later looking back you will be glad of the decision you have made.

I wish you all the best and I admire your strength.

Hugs

Sue

If divorce is imminent, get a divorce attorney NOW and fight for everything that is yours.  Don't let her clean you out over this.

I don't think what you need to do is a flaw because I believe you were born the way you were but a good christian would forgive the flaws that others have. I think your wife may not understand this and she needs to attend therapy to learn more about you. As for the children, the younger they learn about this the more accepting they will be. By waiting until they are much older they may feel that you have abandon them. If you are determined to move out, you might look for a LGBT center where you might find a more tolerant roommate to share expenses with.

Hi Bobbi Anne, you are in a tough place just now but sounds to me you are making some choices for you as well as what you think is good for your kids. Don't forget yourself in all this...you have done nothing wrong...you are who you are...You wanting to wear women's clothing is something you need to express, as you have said it always comes back.  Supressing this will only make it harder on you witch will make it harder on your wife an kids.

I understand you not wanting to hurt your wife but if she is going to be hurt, these feelings and emotions belong to her and not you. You cannot control how others will react, you can't be responsible for how they are feeling. These emotions belong to them.

Are you going to try and keep your marriage going? If not ,then I would suggest onwards and upwards to a better future. If you are planning on keeping the marriage going then I would be inclined to keep the lines of communication well and truly open and take it slowly with her. You sound to me as though you love her and whilst she may not be comfortable in seeing or being around you when you are dressed then maybe there is a compromise you can both live with?

Sarah T

What Jill said !!!! One more thing, don't move out until you talk to a lawyer. Some places may view that as abandonment and put you on shaky legal ground...... anyway , best of luck.

Quote from: lostcharlie on October 19, 2015, 10:03:38 PM
What Jill said !!!! One more thing, don't move out until you talk to a lawyer. Some places may view that as abandonment and put you on shaky legal ground...... anyway , best of luck.

1000 times this! Since your relationship is on shaky ground don't make a move until you hire a lawyer and find out what you should and should not do - an hour or two spent with a lawyer now is gold - it can keep you from making horrible legal mistakes. LostCharlie is correct - in some states moving out can put you in a world of legal hurt because they see it as abandonment. The lawyer can help with protecting assets and can help protect you legally. Too many people go through this and get taken to the cleaners because of making bad decisions.

This does not mean that you have to tell your wife about seeing a lawyer either. I'd keep that to myself.

This might help in explaining:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197598.msg1757491.html#msg1757491


hugs

Bobbi Anne, you must truly love your family to express the feelings the way you have. I applaud you for being a stand up person with the kids, while staying true to yourself. I wish you well in everything

hi,maybe the best move now is as others have said,,not moving..perhaps you can ask your wife and therapist if she can ,either at the same time as you,or alone,,go to the therapist and let her try and work out what is best for you and your children's futures as well as your wife's.don't make a rash decision based on guilt because of who you are and your feelings of shame and guilt over it..you did the right thing when you could and spoke to your wife and let her know..perhaps you can get better advice in a safer environment at the therapists office with your wife..maye in time she will be less shocked and more understanding and ,honestly you do not need forgiveness form her..you are who you are..you should never feel guilty or ashamed or even seek forgiveness for being your true self..children...well that is a tough one..i myself would wait to tell the children as well or at the very least talk to the therapist about in time and at what age to tell them..it is difficult for adults to grasp..it may be even hearder to lay that on them at their ages..others may disagree..and that is their option..but the therapist will give you sound,as well as a legally correct way to approach those issues.best of luck and i hope you can work things through.

and a therapist can even help with the separation issue i believe,that way it cannot be looked at as you abandoning your responsibilities to your wife and children which may be used against you by an attorney in a divorce court case..use your wits,even as much love and respect that you have for your wife..you need to protect your rights as well now..and talk to a lawyer as soon as possible...even if it is a pro-bono one..maybe this site has a link to lawyers or advocates in these matters...again best of luck

I did not leave and made her leave with the kids and during that time i spoiled them and made one hell of a relationship with them. Got the kids on my side and pointed out her flaws, actuallyshe proved herself to be a bad person through her anger. Still lost custody,  but the kids love me tons.

When it comes to games play well my friend.

P. S.  Get the attorney ready aka pay the retainer you WILL need it.

 I told my wife about my desires to be feminine and my closet dressing while on a weekend getaway in 2011.  The marriage fizzled from that point for another 1.5 years, no intimacy, no sex, the discussion of the subject was not tolerated.  At the time I felt I had lost so much, my home, my adult children, my best friend of 30 years, and all the family I had in the world.   Other reasons were given for the split at the time, the kids still do not know of my "habit" to my knowledge, but my ex and I do get along and are not enemies.  It was a crazy time and I was not sure what to do, I called lawyers, I scoured the net looking for advice, I came very close to making mistakes such as declaring bankruptcy and hiring an expensive lawyer to handle the divorce.  I admit I should have started the divorce proceedings sooner but letting things cool down and working with my ex throughout the divorce process not only saved me a ton of money it allowed me to get my head back on straight and make a plan to move on with my life.  I tell you my story so you know you are not alone and that things will get better. 

Take care

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