It's so weird. I've been dealing with dysphoria pretty heavily over the last couple months. Really struggling and trying to figure out how I feel and what I want/ where I belong and "fit" on the gender spectrum. Though I am still curious about where exactly I fit, I feel a sudden change from how Dysphoric and out of place I felt in past months. Though I've had room to experiment with who I am over the last couple months, wearing women's underwear under my clothes 3-4 days a week, girly scented lotion and deodorant and so on.

Over the last probably week I've really started to feel some progress with my search for answers. I'm still semi-clueless but I've pretty much decided I 100% fit into some non-binary space in the spectrum. I discussed this more at my last therapy session Monday and I got really emotional for the first time since my first session about 2 months ago.

Well I woke up Tues in some of my female clothes, but for some reason still felt excruciatingly male in comparison to how I had felt at all over the last few months. At first I didn't like it at all,  but it also still felt kind of natural a few hours into the day I guess? Anyways, I haven't worn any of my feminine or androgynous clothes or done makeup or anything in a couple days now and I'm surprisingly okay with it and less dysphoric than I have been when feeling forced into feeling or being male in months.

It's just interesting how it almost feels like I'm starting to recognize my gender fluidity more. When I originally came out to my girlfriend I told her I thought I was "gender fluid or something like it" but was so unsure at the time. I'm wondering if even with just the little bit of research I had done I subconsciously knew that I was some kind of gender fluid, and that I wasn't just saying it so that I wouldn't scare her away by using the word transgender. I use the term freely around her now and she's fine with it, but at first I definitely felt this fear.

I'm just curious if anyone else has ever had these types of feelings or "switches" following long periods of Dysphoria, and maybe where it progressed for you from that feeling.

Happy New Years all!

Much love,

Ry


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Yes.  I have had those varying degrees of feelings in the past.  In my case at least I'm not sure it indicates gender fluidity in one way or the other. 

At times, sometimes for long periods the dysphoria was really bad, mostly physical rather than social dysphoria but some of both.  Then it might fade away for a time, sometimes months.  But even during those non dysphoria periods my mind didn't really shift.  I didn't walk around thinking how great it is to be male.  I just walked around without a crushing dysphoria constantly pressing down.  In my mind though, if I stopped to think about it, which I often did laying in bed before sleep, my identity was fully intact.

It's all very confusing to figure out.


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Quote from: Deborah on December 30, 2015, 09:21:11 AM
Yes.  I have had those varying degrees of feelings in the past.  In my case at least I'm not sure it indicates gender fluidity in one way or the other. 

At times, sometimes for long periods the dysphoria was really bad, mostly physical rather than social dysphoria but some of both.  Then it might fade away for a time, sometimes months.  But even during those non dysphoria periods my mind didn't really shift.  I didn't walk around thinking how great it is to be male.  I just walked around without a crushing dysphoria constantly pressing down.  In my mind though, if I stopped to think about it, which I often did laying in bed before sleep, my identity was fully intact.

It's all very confusing to figure out.


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Indeed, it is quite confusing. It's not even so much that I feel that it's great to be male. I am still just so sick of the white male privilege that runs rampant in our patriarchal society, definitely still feel I live outside of it and see it for the sham that it is. It's just the last couple days I have felt okay in my own skin more than I have in awhile. I still feel elements of femininity throughout the day and my mind still wanders to trans thoughts but I'm sort of okay with all of it in a way.

Its like not even so much that I feel "male" or "masculine" necessarily, I just feel more like me I guess? It's a really strange feeling. But I was explain to my therapist that when I feel just like me, in this case meaning not necessarily male or female, these are the times I feel best about myself.

At the same time I can't wait to get out of work and paint my nails for most of the weekend [emoji13][emoji140]

I find it comes and goes over time. I'm not even sure what male and female means to me half the time, but I don't think I'm non-binary. I have no need to dress in female clothes but I'm having issues with my breasts not being big enough and I can't do without estrogen.

Its a bit puzzling, but I find it best not to worry about putting a label to it or trying to conform to any stereotype. I just accept whatever.