Hey everyone, I hope you all had a merry Christmas, or enjoyed whichever holiday you observe. My name's Dominick, and I'm finally ready to transition— not only from female to male, but also from self-destruction to self-acceptance. After years of uncertainty and unhappiness, this past year I've finally been able to accept that I'm a transdude.
I was always boyish as a child, and although many people probably just thought I was emulating my big brother, I always knew that I outright disliked being a girl. Throughout my life, referring to myself as a girl or woman out loud always made me feel embarassed and uncomfortable. I came out as a lesbian around age 16, but I had a lot of internalized homophobia because I used to overhear girls in my high school saying how "disgusting" they felt lesbians were. I still have a deep sense of inadequacy, and I now realize that the reason I didn't transition sooner was because I was convinced that girls wouldn't want to be with me, and I'd be considered a freak and end up alone forever.
In my late teens and early 20s, I tried to heal my issues with inadequacy by delving into the BDSM scene— the thought that women didn't want me sparked an interest in bondage and the idea of being "owned" by my partner, because what says "I want you" more clearly than tying someone up, putting them in a cage, or keeping them on a leash, right? I was involved in that community through my time in college, but nearly all the relationships I was in were abusive (mainly emotional abuse, but I was also sexually assaulted by my "mistress"'s boyfriend), and when I was about 23 I dropped out of that scene. I threw myself into my career as a graphic designer, hopeful that financial success and a nice apartment would make me appealing to Miss Right.
In 2008, shortly after I signed the lease on a 1-bedroom in a trendy neighborhood of Brooklyn, NY, the economy collapsed. I was nearly evicted and had to go to housing court, began shoplifting groceries to survive, and started drinking to excess every night as a way of self-medicating my debilitating anxiety. After a couple years, the economy recovered, but my dependence on substances in order to function and treat my PTSD only got worse. I started using prescription painkillers as a cure for my loneliness and shattered sense of security, and then in 2012 I finally graduated to the IV League— heroin.
Heroin was the best girlfriend I ever had (yes, that's an OitNB quote, but it's also truly how I felt). I finally felt warm and safe— the best way I could describe the rush was "it feels like falling in love with someone who loves you back." Then I experienced the withdrawals, and realized I'd ended up on the wrong end of a leash in the hands of Lady H. Anything less than total devotion to her, and I would experience a world of hurt. I ended up losing everything I'd worked so hard for, and was forced to leave NYC and move back in with my mother, near Boston, Mass. Terrified of the agony of heroin withdrawal, I ended up struggling with my addiction until January 3, 2015.
When I finally got clean nearly a year ago, I slowly came to realize that I had sacrificed my own happiness in an attempt to make other people happy. Accepting myself as a transman was crucial to living an honest, fulfilling, serene, and whole life, and when I rejected my true self because I thought it would prevent me from finding a girlfriend, I condemned myself to a life of unhappiness and self-loathing. I decided to wait one more year before finally setting out on my journey as a transman, because it's suggested that people avoid making big decisions or life changes during their first year clean and sober. Now I'm excited for my first anniversary celebration on January 3, 2016, and I've already begun dropping hints and coming out to a few close friends. I've been wearing men's or gender neutral clothes for about a year now, and I am positive that I AM a man, and that I must transition to find happiness.
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for January 26th, and I'm excited and nervous. I'm wondering if the nurse practitioner I'm seeing will start me on T right away, or if there will be some hoops to jump through first. I feel like I've waited so long already, the thought of having to wait any longer is almost unbearable!
Anyway, I apologize for the lengthy post, but I've had a pretty insane lifestory so far, and I wanted to share the highlights and low points, haha. I have a lot of questions about becoming FtM that I'm hopeful I can find the answers to here, but mainly I'm just glad to have found a place where I can be myself, make some new friends, and distract myself from the long wait until I see my doctor. Thank you for reading, I'm looking forward to getting to know you all!
